Shai's diary

They\them. Hiding away from you

[abluekidsdiary]

I feel like it's me who has to teach them how to behave in this place. I feel that now I have to use my experiences to take care of them, and many times I feel too angry because of this, because I don't feel prepared and almost always this idea ends up overwhelming me.

What makes my blood boil the most is when they tell me that they were never in charge of doing anything at their father's, that everyone took care of them.

I asked a question to find out what they truly thought about me and their answer shook me to my core. Here's what I said: Now that your father is not here, the task of taking care of you from the world has passed to me, right?

They nodded and smiled and innocently answered with a yes, that thanks to my experience with bad people I am able to teach them about the dangers of the world.

Many will wonder who am I talking about, well, that person is actually the woman who have birth to me a few years ago.

[abluekidsdiary]

Do I hate them too? I mean whenever I look at them I can't see anything else but all the damage they couldn't stop from happening. Like were you really THAT blind to not realize?

[abluekidsdiary]

Damn, hurting the one you love just because someone who hurt you threatens to come back, ah yes very classy

[abluekidsdiary]

The urgent need to delete myself hahahaha

[abluekidsdiary]

I said I looked like a twelve year old boy from the back and everyone just stayed silent. Im gonna delete myself.

[my2life]

[enamouredpoet-deactivated202205]

morgan harper nichols

[furiousgoldfish]

Did anyone else experience abusive parents telling you how ‘lucky’ you are that you’re still a kid because you have it easy now, and things are about to get much harder for you once you grow up, because people still ‘coddled’ you because you’re small but once you’re adult you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone, and will have to work much harder to get by? And it would instill complete terror in you because you were barely surviving as it is, things were already so impossibly hard and painful you wanted to end your existence, and by telling you things are about to get harder, you were actually told “you aren’t going to live for much longer“ and it was a big part of why you never expected to live to grow up

[abluekidsdiary]

Absolutely, and then when I became an adult, got no contact with my abuser everything became so easy.

[abluekidsdiary]

Did I just get triggered because someone who is like 5 inches shorter than me weights 20 punds less?

Most definitely I did

[abluekidsdiary]

I told myself I would only have black coffee for today's meal. Now my head is hurting like shit. I hate being this weak.

[abluekidsdiary]

Just don't ever come at me again saying how bad you feel for not noticing

[abluekidsdiary]

And then she's probably going to tell me how sorry she feels for being so blind and never noticing what I was going through as a child...

[abluekidsdiary]

Well damn I just asked her if she's gonna turn the blind eye whenever I have axiety attacks and she just straight up said YEAH! Like it was no big deal

[abluekidsdiary]

I want to look girly and delicate for fucks sake

[abluekidsdiary]

Did being confused about my gender actually manifested into making me a formless blob?

[abluekidsdiary]

The way I look from the back is so disgusting I literally almost threw up watching my pic. That's probably why everyone finds me disgusting aswell.

[abluekidsdiary]

Why do I always return here whenever I'm having a breakdown...