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[ablushingbambi]

my AO3!

the “soft ruben pallister” tag on AO3 is where i live tbh.

pronouns: she/her. age: 20’s. minors DNI. writing hurt/comfort is my bread and butter. that’s all for my intro post ♡

[boo-kei]

Stuart...

[ablushingbambi]

this is just my personal headcanon about ruben’s past abuse via his father and how it could impact his first time with niall: because his father was the first person to touch him, ruben doesn’t let anyone touch his cock, but that doesn’t impede his sex life because he controls the situation by being the dominant one.

when they’re young and doing mushrooms at the pond together, maybe the high makes a ruben a big softie and he kisses niall’s cheeks and forehead and nose and says he’ll miss him so much when he goes off to uni next month. and then he finally kisses niall cause he knows his bambi wants him so bad, and when niall is getting hard and panting out little breathless noises, ruben gives him what he’s too shy to ask for, and his hand on niall’s cock is gentle and slow and trying to be non-overwhelming as possible because he remembers the first time his father gave him a hand job and it was scary and rough and mean. each time niall whimpers or sheds a tear, he kisses niall’s cheeks or nuzzles his nose or cheek and reassures him.

“you’re doing so good, bambers.”

“that’s it, you don’t have to rush. i’ve got you, bambers. you’re all right.”

he helps niall come, softly, in his hand. kissing away niall’s overwhelmed tears and making sure niall’s all right. that niall enjoyed himself. the sweetness of it all surprises niall, and niall wants to take care of him too, and ruben tries to remain composed and unaffected during the hand job until the point he can’t anymore. and he’s whimpering around a half-stifled sob, realizing his body is reacting in a shamefully familiar way: his bladder giving out because it was one of the only ways he could sometimes get his father to stop. when he pissed in his hand. it had become second-nature; survival instinct to get through those moments he doesn’t like to think about. for the first time in his life, he’s scared of what niall might do or think of him. if he’ll laugh. if he’ll be disgusted and shove him away. if he’ll hit him like his father had.

[ablushingbambi]

an unorganized ramble incoming about soft ruben because that tag in fics is so precious to me.

forever crying over ruben’s vulnerability in 1x02 when they’re dancing together in the flat and he brings up his father. only for him to (presumably) forget about it until niall brings it up later on. he probably felt so much panic about what he might’ve said when under the influence. wondering if he’d spilled his heart out about the abuse he experienced as a boy and how he’s worried sick about his dad doing that to another defenseless child.

ever since episode 1x06, i haven’t been able to stop wondering how the reveal would’ve gone if they had been younger (either high school or when niall was in uni or episode three). they could’ve opened up to each other and been there for each other as boys and finally felt seen and understood as their full selves. though i do think it would’ve been even more devastating (and that’s saying something, because the reveal of ruben’s abuse right after niall’s coming out scene in episode 6 was already so devastating) if we had gotten a version where young ruben opened up to young niall about his abuse via his dad. i know i’d be sobbing for ages. because at that point, ruben is still basically a boy. an adult, yes, but still so young and carrying that pain around.

if they hadn’t been interrupted when dancing, he probably would’ve kept talking. or maybe he wouldn’t. maybe niall would’ve asked more questions and realized this was ruben trying to open up to him (and having to be high to feel comfortable doing so). maybe he wouldn’t have known the perfect thing to say or do if he had learned about ruben’s abuse as a boy, but he probably would’ve done his best to be there for him. because that’s his older brother in a startling, fragile state. the thought of young niall imagining an even younger ruben being abused (even though they both were still young at that point in their lives) is so heartbreaking to me. and it’s also heartbreaking to think about how, right after dancing together in the uni apartment, ruben had to leave and was probably high as a kite wandering around all alone before riding off on his motorcycle. 😭

i feel like such a mother hen about high-ruben in the flat in episode 2 and also vulnerable ruben in episode 3 when he’s in his floral robe, and the pub scene, and the woods scene. in episode 3, as a viewer you can’t help but notice how lonely ruben must be and how badly he’s missing his dear bambi. he was probably so excited to go to niall’s graduation and support him only to not be invited. probably spent all day thinking of niall, and then when niall stopped by he brushed it off like it was no big deal to miss such a big moment for niall. even though he probably wanted to go so bad because that’s his bambi. ruben bustling around his apartment in that floral robe was truly the cutest thing 🫶🏻 niall’s heart was probably pounding out of his chest when seeing ruben in such a soft state. also the woods scene when ruben tells niall he’s scared, “proper scared,” obliterated my heart. poor baby ruben (i say that jokingly btw because some people might think i’m excusing his behavior that got him to that point). it’s easy for people to only focus on his violent actions that lead him to that point, but he was probably scared he wouldn’t be able to ignore the traumatic memories brought up if he were to ever be sexually assaulted when locked up. and he would end up feeling like that defenseless boy again. and on top of that distressor, he wouldn’t have his bambi around. his bambi he’s revolved his whole life around for the past couple years. no longer having niall around when he was already missing him so bad was probably the scariest possibility in the world to him.

[ablushingbambi]

rubambi fanfic prompt requests are open!

i am dying to write more soft ruben and soft niall & their vulnerable traits (think sick fic, whump, ruben’s childhood abuse & trauma causing him to be triggered, age-regression, ill-timed erections, accidental stimulation). i can only write their young versions because their older versions are too heartbreaking for me to write, knowing there’s even more turmoil between them as they age. any prompt can also include smut 🫶🏻

[ablushingbambi]

1x03 whump where, as a result of his father’s abuse, ruben suffers from rare but debilitating psychogenic non-epileptic seizures (but niall doesn’t know): one day niall visits ruben at the community center because ruben wants to grab dinner afterwards and niall agrees because they’re both missing each other even though their relationship is not quite the same as it used to be. maybe this takes place days after their argument in the field and the moment niall tells ruben “he groped you” that final time later on that evening, cementing that he would be on ruben’s side. there’s a few days before the trial and niall is feeling anxious but considers spending time with ruben might take his mind off what’s looming upon them. and so he goes. he’s sitting in a chair at the community center, watching ruben interact with the children and he can’t lie; seeing this sweet side of ruben warms his heart. how gentle ruben is with each and every one of them. for a time, everything is going well until the door opens and in walks ruben’s dad with what must be ruben’s half-brother.

niall expects, when ruben turns around, for ruben to start yelling and getting angry. not for ruben’s face to fall ashen. not for ruben’s hands, trembling and clumsy, clutching the desk behind him for stability. not for ruben’s chest to stop rising and falling as if he’s holding his breath. not for ruben’s eyes to keep flickering from between his dad and young half-brother. ruben’s half-brother starts playing with the other kids, and ruben’s dad steps closer, starting to walk up to ruben. niall is about to step between them but another worker does instead, telling ruben’s dad he’s not allowed to interfere with ruben’s work (because he’s tried talking to him before) and that he shouldn’t return until it’s time to pick his son up. niall moves towards ruben anyway, speechless and staring because ruben is frozen. glassy-eyed and barely blinking. the moment niall’s hand brushes ruben’s shoulder, ruben flinches and whimpers and soon there’s a puddle of piss forming beneath ruben’s shoes. his legs give out. body crumples onto the floor and niall isn’t prepared for this: his brother seizing. trembling. crying out. biting down on his tongue so hard blood trickles from his slack mouth. these airless whines shaking out—like he’s about to sob or scream but his lungs won’t let him.

niall watches over ruben the entire time, and distantly registers the voice of one of the workers saying they’ll call ruben’s mom. by the time the seizure stops, ruben is covered in sweat, his chin and cheeks covered in spit and blood, his chest heaving, his limbs finally ceasing their spasming. niall strokes a hand through his hair, tries using one sleeve to wipe up the mess on his face, tries talking to him in a voice that’s gentle and fraying with concern. because niall’s never seen ruben’s eyes struggle to open up and gleam with so many unshed tears. without any warning, ruben’s features crumple and he’s stumbling over his words. trying to say bambi. but all he can manage is the first syllable. the sluggish bee-sound, in a voice that sounds too childish, too clumsy, too afraid and then he’s lurching forward and puking. his hands flailing because he’s trying to cling onto his bambi for comfort. but he’s too weak and uncoordinated and struggling for breath around a mouthful of vomit. eventually, the vomiting stops and niall sits there, stunned and speechless as ruben tries curling up into his lap, seeking comfort. he’s shaking and stumbling and limp-limbed and sagging against niall’s chest with a sob that pierces right through niall’s heart. because he sounds like a child. a boy craving reassurance. and niall’s never seen him look or sound so small, still trying to pronounce the word bambi. like he’s scared niall might abandon him. like he’s terrified his dad will wrench him away. all niall can think to do is hold him, keep him upright because he’s still weak and shaking, a whimpering, tearful wreck in niall’s lap.

niall carries him to the car and ruben clings to him the entire car ride, and when niall and their mums get him inside his apartment, he doesn’t let go of niall. he clutches niall’s hand like a boy. like he’s scared of being left alone with anyone but him. so niall stays even through the undressing, when mayra wipes down ruben’s body with wet wipes and changes him into his floral robe. ruben flinches the moment his piss-soaked pants are unbuttoned and unzipped, trying so hard to say “bambi,” that he’s nearly wailing, but his speech is still impaired by the seizure. and niall cradles his tear-slick cheek, telling him he’s okay. that they’re gonna clean him up. by the time ruben calms down enough to fall asleep, with niall stroking his hair and his wiping his face clean, maura and lori finally tell niall the reason for ruben’s seizure and state of mind. about his childhood abuse. how whenever his dad is in proximity, his mind can’t cope with the stress. but he sometimes doesn’t remember the seizure or the event that triggered it. so niall stays with him that night. holds ruben close and gives him water and feeds him crackers and niall’s his heart breaks even more because ruben in a regressed state of mind is one of the most heartwrenching things he’s ever experienced. still trying to say that nickname. bambi. but struggling. whimpering a tiny breath into niall’s neck and clinging onto niall like a scared child.

[wulfhalls]

he was in love with his brother here.................

[ablushingbambi]

i wrote a 1x02 fix-it fic where niall learns about ruben’s past childhood abuse and they figure out how to be tender boys together in niall’s dorm bed ♡

[ablushingbambi]

cannot stop thinking about what would’ve happened if in a fix-it twist of fate, niall had realized how lonely ruben was in episode 3 one night after ruben calls him up, drunk and revealing he misses his bambi so bad. how close they once used to be. how he misses sharing a bedroom together. and he practically begs niall to come over and spend the night just once. so they can feel like brothers again. the brothers they once were when everything felt a bit easier. and it’s the first time ruben’s ever been vulnerable with him, so he goes and he finds ruben in that precious floral robe fixing together a meal for them because he’s so excited to have his bambi back. when drunk, ruben is more touchy and expressive and his eyes are so soft the moment he opens the door and sees his bambi standing there; he can’t fight the teary little smile when pulling niall into a hug that lasts for ages. his cheeks and eyes are puffy and his nose is red and there’s no denying the fact he must have been crying within the last hour before making the phone call. niall goes to use the bathroom, and inside ruben’s hamper, there’s clothes that smell of fresh urine. he doesn’t ask about the soiled clothes, assuming ruben simply drank too much. they eat on the couch and settle in for a movie neither of them are really watching, and ruben is curled up on the couch beneath a blanket, facing niall with his cheek pressed against the couch, and it’s the smallest and softest he’s ever looked beneath low lamp light. he says: i really needed you tonight, bambers. my dad… he was banging on the door for hours. didn’t know who else to call. and niall doesn’t wanna consider either possibility: ruben waking up scared enough he wet himself or ruben unable to move a muscle even when the pressure in his bladder became unbearable, and he ended up wetting the bed because he was too scared to leave the bedroom and use the bathroom when his father was outside the apartment.