A Bothered Mind

A Place for me to write my daily thoughts fears ideas

[abotheredmind]

Nothing much has changed.

I continue on a mundane somewhat quiet life. Small burst of autonomous conversations with everyone. nothing with substance. I often wonder if i have anything to offer the world. All my interest seem to be of solitary delights. Things i find interesting seem to be noise to others. I don’t know if i make things up in my mind or if everyone has been accepting me and I’m just closed off to the world and everyone in it. I find the people i want to talk to are my secrets and I want to shield them from others, perhaps to spare their own humiliation.

Am I insane.

[abotheredmind]

I sit here. Watching a movie about friendship and having someone to rely on. People you can trust and never worry if they will defend you when your not around.

I feel alone. So alone.

I tear up and feel this wave of loneliness hit me. I’m trying so hard not to grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and guzzle it to feel the instant numbness. I get up walk away from the images of friendship that I suddenly feel alien too. I start to clean and put away dishes to change the channels on my mind to something obsessive compulsive.

To forget.

[abotheredmind]

Another excerpt from my abandoned acct on tumblr

Writing again...

To make it stop....The pain.

The pain of loneliness that I feel on a daily basis. Trying to connect to whomever would listen.

When i was young I found that writing pen to paper helped me to express my feelings. Cry on paper so to speak. With the mere act of throwing away that piece of paper made me feel better. It was like getting rid of emotional garbage that I no longer wanted to hold onto. I cant remember if it ever worked or if I ever got any better. I sometimes wish I could go thru those pieces of paper to see how much I’ve grown... Or even if I had grown.

The world has changed so much since then. Here I am writing to your readers in a realm of infinite possibilities. Where my emotional garbage can be read, saved or critiqued by just a couple of people... or millions. Where, with a click of a button, it can virtually be thrown away and shredded to million kilobytes of virtual confetti. *grins* Times have changed.

I sit here drinking a bottle of Jack Daniel’s alone.... Again. Im actually trying not to cry as I type, since emotions want to rip me apart because I opened up to someone. Someone I feel i fell in love with. I don’t think I ever wanted to admit to feeling alone. i don’t think anyone EVER does. I want to believe its just all in my mind and i’m creating this for some unexplainable reason.

I live in a house with my wife and two children. I love my little girls with all my heart. I would do anything for them and THEY are the reasons I do anything here..or stay.

No. Im not suicidal...Just hurting. Wondering why its taken me this long to come to this realization. Realize why I’ve allowed myself to just be so...unclear. I had so many aspirations. Why was i so unclear? Age? Despair?...Fear? ...Of what, I will never know. One day i just realized I had enough. Enough with just settling.

When we got married I was so unsure. Was i really ready? I half expected to run away on the day. I told myself I still wasn’t ready and often wondered if i actually wanted to stay. I chalked it down to marriage jitters and lived my life as it were. Over time I let that idea go and loved her the way a husband was supposed to love their wife. But that too soon waned as the years went buy. i tried to reconnect…make her see that I do love her but she showed me constantly that other things matter more.

Her Family lives next door. Literally the house next to us with only a mere five feet of distance. I did my part and let things be since I wanted to keep relations between us to be mutual. I soon realized that I was just the hired help, or at least thats how they all made me feel. If i was there I’m usually forgotten, barely given a glance or attention. Over the years that got excruciatingly painful and i was at a loss as to why.

I know many of my readers will think Its all in my head but i know it not to be. It took 18 years to see. I fucking hate myself for allowing that. ~ November 28th 2017 @ 10:22PM

[abotheredmind]

An excerpt from my other Tumblr account I apparently abandoned.

August 21st, 2017 @12:50 AM

A Tumultous Mind

I dont know why i write things down when i hurt. Perhaps some theraputic need to see what my feeling are on paper, or at least for now, on screen. She is still on my mind. Even after i ended things to see if my marraige was worth salvaging. She pops into my mind whenever i feel lonely, want to talk to someone or plainly miss holding her. I cant say for certain if she even feel the same for me, but i cant deny what I felt when we were together all those times.

This was a young woman I met during a yearly Halloween party I went to with old high school friends. She was young fun sexy and actually liked my old ass. Lol. Over the course of a few years we got too know each other and started meeting secretly at different karaoke events. We got serious and sex was amazing. She was easy to talk too and we talked everyday and felt things for each other. But I started to see that I was too old for her. And she needed someone to be with constantly. By this time in my marriage I was already giving up and felt trapped. I feared losing my children so I stated seeing her for my own need. I was found out and I broke it off. She deserved better than being in love with an older man. Me and the wife went to therapy but soon after the cracks resurfaced. I could see she was going to keep her family a priority over me. I don’t care if anyone thinks that’s selfish, but I was alone, felt utterly alone living in my own home with her and her family.

[abotheredmind]

[abotheredmind]

Music has been a muse for me for a very long time. I can’t express how inspiring it is to be sitting somewhere comfortably with my music and my thoughts start creating a world with characters and places. Music seems to bring out my inner director. The images form and coalesce into a montage of ideas, feelings and expressions. My first initial thoughts seems to be what i want to write and express in some way but i always end up re-listening and reforming those thoughts and try to come up with a coherent story. Most of the time i don’t write anything at all. They stay in my head and i regret, much later, that i didn’t put the idea down on paper. I’m learning, albeit a bit late, to write, dictate, or draw those ideas now. I don’t want to have moments of forgetful disappointments when the idea becomes fresh again and i realized the amazing details of that idea are no longer there. We have all been there. It’s very disappointing.

Try it yourself.. Listen to the song... close your eyes.. Let your mind wander and think about how the song makes you feel. What do you see in your mind’s eye? How does that story make you feel? Do you feel the story? Write it down. I hope i can help to inspire someone else in this form of meditative creative thinking.

[abotheredmind]

February 2rd, 2021

New Year. 

Coming to the realization a month behind. So many ideas in my head. So many little ways i’d like to share them. I have stories, pictures, videos, business ideas ETC. all locked up in my little brain at the moment and i don’t know how to make them come to life. What do I do with this new year beside trying to survive a pandemic and stay indoors? How do I lose those last fifteen or one hundred pounds? It’s already driving me insane with the depression and sheer loneliness. 

But! I know i’m not alone.

I am sure many of you readers feel the same. Chugging through daily trying to figure what to do. Losing motivation due to the depressing feeling of isolation. Many of us are still getting out there, whether it’s work or pleasure, just to feel....well ...anything. Some of us struggling with fears that, may or may not be exaggerated by main stream or social medias, the pandemic will find and kill us at a moments notice. 

We all struggle with something. I believe we all can overcome whatever it is that you struggle with by keeping it simple.

Keep moving forward

Keeping focusing on what you want. keep a schedule. Keep in contact. You may be helping someone else with their own struggles. Keep being a better version of yourself and stop being in your head all the time. 

and now..

I need to implement everything i just wrote into my own life. I’m still learning just like you.

[abotheredmind]

February 1st 2021

So I am here still. After a rather long period of silence my heart still hurts. Not because of a love that shows little or no sign or I didn’t get that promotion. A depressed heart that feels like It’s alone most of the time. A silent cellphone that never rings with a friendly voice but only with robotic solicitations. Busy teenagers who rather have a good time with their friends though their virtual worlds in this insane world we live in at the moment. a busy wife who seems to find everything else more interesting than me.

Depression really really fucking sucks!

In my mind’s eye I’m knelt in the open field as it pours over me and I’m screaming up to the heavens in defeat.

A year and three months now without work. I work hard and never have trouble keeping a job. The trying times at the end of 2019 and Covid-19 during the most of 2020 have kept me a prisoner so to speak in my home. Findings work outside of my local without telling another place of business what I do is hard unless I lie or get paid cash. They cant see putting on a person who can suddenly decide to quit or go back at a moments notice. I did some work in photography made a few dollars here and there. I worked as a UPS personal delivery driver for a few weeks. I tried at least. Luckily working in my local left me with a rather large security fund to keep me a float for the time being.

And so people I thought I could relay on just haven’t come through for me. In my local. I figured with all my hard work within my local, Political events, Alumni Association, finance board member, I would be able to keep getting work here and there. Times must be real tough I guess and it makes me question the validity of it all.

With new things happening in the horizon I hope it works in my favor.

[abotheredmind]

Hurt

I sit here wondering why i’m never enough for anybody. I always give people my best my love my mind and i’m last to be considered or never a priority. i’m so sick and tired of being hurt by friends, family, lovers. I sit here crying inside barely able to concentrate on any task. I want to run and disappear and recharge. remake myself. i’ve given my all to everyone and i have nothing for myself.

[abotheredmind]

She did. That’s why I will always love her.

[abotheredmind]

There’s Only Me

This song, that follows, makes me think about her. I love her tremendously and she made me feel like i became just an option.

You're all I want You're all I need You're all I've got All I see It won't be long 'Til suddenly You'll find he's gone And you'll turn around and see.

There's only me For whom there's silence in your heart There's only me Waiting patient to the last You wait and see One day your love will surely start You'll turn around You'll find when everyone departs

There's only me You walk in the room You take your seat You don't turn around You don't see me I'll make him go You'll find one day he'll disappear You'll turn around And find that not a soul is here There's only me

-There’s only me - Rob Dougan

[abotheredmind]

A Bothered Mind

So Here I go. Again trying to capture my daily events in a journal. Capturing in writing form as a away of getting it off my mind and digitally derezzing that thought, like crumbling up a piece of paper and throwing it away to feel better. I Admit I have tried writing in on paper in a book but I cant trust people from reading what I wrote. I can be odd I can be emotional and I can be sinical. I’m just looking for a place to write.