I'm more than my scars

Hi, I'm Dez (she/her). I'm a doula and birth podcaster in Utah, a mom to two fantastic kiddos, and married to a freaking amazing partner. I am halfway out of the closet as bisexual and polyamorous, so updating this tiny header is another baby step to coming out. I love books, cars, and musical theater. 

[above-the-cuts]

Things that suck (skip if you don't wanna read mad whining)

-Working so hard to learn material, putting together a kick-ass curriculum of things everyone should know and having nobody show up. -Raising my prices because that's "how to be successful" and being told I cost too much. -Offering mad discounts and still not being hired. -Having a partner that is amazing at the things she prioritizes... but not having the business be a priority. -Always having to be the optimistic, upbeat partner when all I want to do is scream in frustration. -Knowing that I offer a service that is unique to every other doula in my area... and not knowing how to sell myself. -People who don't hire a doula at all and end up with traumatic births. -Feeling like I'm supposed to become a midwife and fighting that feeling so hard... because I really don't want to sink more time, money, and energy into another thing to fail at. -Wanting to help all the families and attend all the births and being ghosted by potential clients. That shit ain't cool. -Investing 150% of myself into this business but still having to work part time to get by. -2 clients a month would enable me to quit my part time job. I average 2 clients per year. -Feeling an extension of being the weird kid at school... only now I'm that weird doula. -Anxiety. That shit sucks. -Imposter syndrome... ish. Is it still imposter syndrome if I'm not actually successful either? -Having to whine to tumblr because I don't want to burden everyone else. Bleh.

[above-the-cuts]

I’m BAAACK

I deleted the tumblr app because it was killing me on data on my phone. Well, I’m back! I’m still working as a doula and teaching classes and being a mom! Check out what I’ve been up to at newrhythmdoulas.com 

[aeqo]

Here’s your mid-week reminder to forgive yourself if you’ve had a crappy/tired/unproductive day/week/month/year. You are doing the best you can. Look after yourself, do what you need to do. And it doesn’t matter what time of day/week/month/year it is, it’s never too late to make a fresh start. 

[wannabe-pharmacist]

Oh god, I needed this so badly. Thank you.

[michellekpoems]

Teach your children not only how to love but how to be loved.

Michelle K., Teachers. (via michellekpoems)

[rubyreed]

Bless these women and bless this article. Read/see more here. 

[ofthecrown]

I’m not even going to lie, up until this instant I thought something was wrong with me (maybe that i was the ‘ugly kind of fat’?) because I didn’t think plus sized models were retouched so much. I know that sounds stupid, but I have never considered the reality that even the models of fat women are heavily doctored. 

Same shit, different numbers.

[heyitsharding-deactivated201601]

Hey look it’s my catsuit!

[sailorstoner]

not only are plus size models heavily retouched, but they also have to wear padding to make their curves curvier so that we hate ourselves for not having exaggerated curves on our beautiful lumpy bodies.

[mother-of-faeries]

That and the clothes the models wear in the photoshoots are tailored to them specifically, so obviously they’re going to fit them more perfectly than the mass produced stuff you buy in store, online, or from a catalog.

[breastforce]

“Particularly prone to serious procrastination problems are children who grew up with unusually high expectations placed on them…or else they exhibited exceptional talents early on, and thereafter “average” performances were met with concern and suspicion from parents and teachers.”

Holy SHIT

[t-ycho]

WELL THEN

[appropriately-inappropriate]

Yep.

They actually tested me for a learning disability in high school because I was consistently failing math.

They discovered that I actually scored in the 80th percentile in that sort of learning.

Problem was, in every other subject, I was in the 99.8th percentile.

I had never learned how to study because I never needed to—and then, when something proved to be even the slightest bit challenging, my brain went

“LOL nope this is impossible abort”

Meanwhile, this entire time I’m scraping by in subjects like English. The assignments I did turn in, I’d score top marks—but I’d avoid turning in projects I didn’t think were “good” enough.

Essentially, my brain had two settings: “100%” or “0%”.

This sort of Baby Genius shit makes kids and adolescents neurotic and self-destructive.

[andthepotters-blog]

               The first Christmas Eve after The Battle of Hogwarts.

Mrs. Weasley getting carried away while decorating because it’s such a welcome distraction from thinking about the loss after the war.

Andromeda coming to the Burrow with a baby Teddy for the first time, and he’s never seen this many people with ginger hair and that’s how his hair turns Weasley for the next 12 weeks.

George bringing Angelina with him because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get through the day without Fred or Angelina, and Fred’s very unavailable, being six feet under.

Ginny hiding out on the roof, because she can’t go downstairs with Fred not there to perform dumb practical jokes and make her laugh, and she just misses him so much and it hurts so bad.

Harry coming to find her and the two of them spending hours just sitting on the roof while Ginny tells stories about her big brother and Harry listens with his elbows propping him up against the roof.

Mrs. Weasley setting the table for an extra person who never comes and nobodies really sure, but she maybe set a spot for Fred and couldn’t bring herself to take away the plate.

Ron and Hermione holding hands underneath the table the entire dinner while everyone pretends not to notice. 

Harry dragging Ginny downstairs in time for desert, and she runs to George the minute she sees him and holds him like he might disappear too. 

Nobody wanting to leave, because it might have been a sad Christmas but they were all there and the fear of loss is in them all.

Fleur and Bill announcing their expecting a baby, because for all her faults, Fleur knows when Molly needs to hear good news, and even if its bittersweet, she wants her to know.  

Molly crying for a half hour on Fleurs shoulder, because Grandchildren. 

Somebody getting out photo albums, and it hurts seeing Fred everywhere but they need to hurt for a little while.

Ginny coming alive again and telling stories about her brother and George having even more, and Molly crying while she tells stories they were all too little to remember but have heard a million times before.

The older brothers staying up with Angelina and Fleur in the living room, talking about whats next and remembering what happened last.

Harry sleeping in the same spot on the floor in Ron’s room he always used to, even though they have their own flat in the city now, for old times sake, and Hermione rolling her eyes and hauling a tired, sad, Ginny up the stairs and into bed.

Molly falling asleep happy for the first time in a longtime because her kids are home and safe. 

[momma-taye-deactivated20160229]

We had a Relief Society activity tonight. It was such a sweet theme too. We were supposed to bring something that reminded us of Christ, and share about it. When it got to me, this is what I shared:

“I brought my son with me, because he goes everywhere with me. He doesn’t specifically remind me of Christ, but he does remind me of the Atonement. I have done a lot of bad things in my life. I’m not going to go into specific details, but I was a drug addict, homeless, and I used to steal for money. I felt worthless most of the time, and even tried to end my life because I didn’t feel worthy of it anymore. Every single time I look at my son, I’m reminded of the atonement because my son has given me a second chance at life. Because of him, I can do good things, and perhaps someday be with my Heavenly Father again.”

I started crying during the middle of all of this, of course.

I’m not quite sure I even believe in Christ, or in any particular church, but I know someone created me with love. I believe in the ability to “atone” for our transgressions. I didn’t feel worthy of my Creator’s love (whoever that might be), but my son changed my mind about all of that. (:

[momma-taye-deactivated20160229]

sweette27 My entire family, as well as my husband’s, are LDS, but we aren’t, ha

[above-the-cuts]

Gotta love Utah where everyone is LDS. Went to church with my brother a few weeks ago since N adores going to nursery and heard "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" in Relief Society. I've been struggling with postpartum depression and most days feel like I'm the worst mom ever. But there's a verse that says something like "he lives to silence all my fears, he lives to wipe away my tears, he lives to calm my troubled heart".

Not sure what I believe. But it felt good thinking that maybe God can take away some of my anguish and suffering.

[raisingwildlings]

Ok its really gross that you taught your young child "vulva". What if she starts saying it around other kids, other parents aren't going to want their kids around yours! Why don't you wait until she's older before starting the sex ed talk. Ugh

Yes so gross my child know the word for her genitals so she can tell me exactly where it hurts if she falls and if she comes home calling it a cupcake I will know someone who is not her parent is talking to her about genitals. And I’m not giving her a sex talk, I taught her the right word for her genitalia sorry I believe in science and not lying to my kids.

Innocence is not ignorance, it is the ability to trust with all your heart and enjoy life in simplicity. So berry sorry I am raising a child who is educated and am giving her the tools so she can help me protect her actual innocence from predators. Milo also knows the word vulva and the word penis and le gasp! My breast fed children say boobie!

If you like lying to kids and giving child rapists power feel free to let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.

[above-the-cuts]

Wow the things people get touchy about! I taught N to use anatomically correct terms, and yes it was weird the first time I heard her little two year old mouth let me know that she'd wiped the pee from her vulva but we're used to it now. I'm teaching her words that she'll use throughout life, including her body parts!

[littlemamabird]

[above-the-cuts]

Pumping down the highway

Went to meet a mama for a milk drop off (her baby needed supplemented for a feeding watch). I figured it would be easier to have fresh milk than to have to thaw a bag, so I grabbed my hand pump and pumped 7 oz on the hour drive down. You get some funny looks when people glance over and see you with your boob hanging out and a pump hanging on to it!

[friendlyangryfeminist]

reactions to single dads: wow so great, so brave. i hear he even brushes his daughter’s HAIR by HIMSELF

reactions to single moms: idk don’t you feel like you’re destroying the very fabric of society

[above-the-cuts]

Yes! Pisses me off so much. Mind you, it is actually really cool and rate to see a single dad in our society, but I think any single parent is kick ass! I know I wouldn't be able to do it alone.

[themidwifeisin]

Hey! Cat admirer here. Thought of a question that is really really random. So, I have this weird fear that i will one day be stuck on an airplane with a person who goes into labor and I'll have to deliver it. Unlikely, yes, but I'm only a CNA, so I don't know how to birth babies yet. I know it's a natural process, but if myself or anyone somehow gets in that situation, what are the bare basics of how to assist the person giving birth? Weird, I know, but hey, who knows who this could help? Thanks

[atx-nerd-mom]

When it comes to the “mommy wars” (a term I loathe), the common thread for all mothers in their various permutations of working and stay-at-home motherhood is that they feel like they’ve made a hard, unpopular choice, they’re sacrificing important things to raise their children, and they’re working their butts off and are not only undervalued, but are actively being judged and looked down upon by pretty much everyone. All of this anxiety and insecurity is book-ended by a never-ending parade of “EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING IS WRONG, AND YOU’RE GOING TO DO SERIOUS PERMANENT DAMAGE TO YOUR CHILDREN” media that scares us into constantly questioning and doubting ourselves, our ability to parent, and our worth as mothers. Even when you know you are doing the right thing–perhaps the only thing you can do for your family–there’s still this constant low hum of doubt in the background, being fed by the media machine that knows there is nothing more important to people than their kids and stirring that pot is a good way to get people’s attention and dollars.

I just want to say, I see you moms working your rear ends off at home, at work, wherever, to make life better for your kids. I see your sacrifices, and I know how much you’ve given up to be a better mom, and your kids do, too, and they appreciate all you do for them. I see the efforts you’re making to be a good parent, and I respect and admire how much thought and effort you put into parenting, even when we don’t do things the same way. You’re a good mom. And your kids love you, appreciate you (even if they don’t always show it), and they are going to be just fine.

[above-the-cuts]

Thank you thank you! I was raised by a SAHM and I judged a bit at first when I learned that my MIL had worked from the time my hubby was 2 weeks old. I've since figured out there's no one solution that's right for everyone. I'm not my mom. And I'm not his mom. I'm me, and my solution is to work part time. I'm making that leap (N is 2 1/2 so I've been at home for a long time) and it's scary!

[milkandhoneyxx]

[mama-and-mancubs]

And I’m doing it right now!

[gabssk-deactivated20241109]

Maybe I’ve been living under a rock, but I wasn’t aware breastfeeding was a huge deal.

First, let me start by stating that breastfeeding is BY FAR one of the most natural processes the female body was created to do.

Second, it’s not “dirty/sexual/inappropriate”, etc.

Third, I do think women…

[raisingwildlings]

Lol you do realize babies aren’t chill passive creatures right? You are much more likely to see my entire boob if I put a blanket over my toddler because they will whip that right the hell off and probably run off, leaving me 100% exposed. Nursing without a cover really isn’t this baring all strip tease you all seem to imagine it to be, you subtly pull your boob out and its quickly gobbed on, the entire process takes 5/seconds and unless you are craning to see, the whole thing is obscured by a big ol baby head.

[thechroniclesofyarnia]

especially when you consider that most women who are going to nurse in public wear layers, which covers top boob, while baby’s head covers the rest. but i literally show more of my boob wearing a v neck than while nursing without a cover, even without layers.

now, if i used a cover…. oh MAN would you see my whole boob. Emery would rip off, fling the cover off, groan and arch, and my entire boob would be out for a significant period of time while i calm her down.

[mama-to-my-mooshy]

I wouldn’t compromise my childs comfort for the comfort of people I don’t even know. Js.

[nobottlenomess-justbreast-deact]

<3

[above-the-cuts]

Wow yeah I definitely show more when I attempt to cover! And mine is only five months at the moment. Ha even as a newborn nursing with a cover just didn't work.

[positivedoodles]