A Brunchin Biologist @abrunchinbiologist - Tumblr Blog

Day 1479

It's been an interesting year. I fell into infatuation again after the breakup. I ended that when this past winter I got scarily depressed. I caught Covid, then got over it. I got real data for the first time since I started and spent a semester analyzing it. I got more data recently - we might have found some epistasis. It's exhilarating and scary at the same time. I love what I'm doing and yet at moments I also feel wildly insecure in my future.

I suppose this is normal. The swings have started being less severe, and the amount that I care about my standing in the universe I think has waned. I'm excited to (finally) take a dance class next week, despite that having been on my post-breakup list... a year ago. It's fine. We're getting there. I switched medications, so maybe it's anxiety instead of ADHD. I started dating again this summer, and I've found myself actually loving getting to know different people in different ways. I think most of my thoughts this weekend - and subsequently why I've chosen to actually write again - have been swirling around the wild truth that every person does contain multitudes, and that one can only get to know parts of that over time. I've had several dates with a new guy who I really like. He's kind and consistent, shares a lot when asked but mostly does the asking, is cute in an understated way and confident quietly. I'm surprised at how much I like him, and I might have fucked it up the other day. But I think the prospect of losing him is what makes me think. With some people, surface level is all we get to. I know them on paper, and we decide it won't work without even really getting to know one another (which ultimately is fair given the millions of people on these apps).

I'm deeply fearful that at my core, I'm not really worthy of anyone actually getting to know me. On paper I might seem great, but this insecurity is what ends up driving a lot of my awkwardness, my thoughtlessness, and actually gets in the way of me being myself. The self-fulfilling prophecy works as long as I focus on it; once I regain my curiosity, when I return to work or friendships, it wanes again. Perhaps this is the lesson to continue with as winter approaches. That and to use the sad lamp that a friend gifted this summer (bless her). It's easy on dating apps to take the shallow approach, given that everyone is a potential mate and one may as well limit the infinite search to attractive and smart people within a very small radius. But then again, everyone is so different, and maybe finding this one not-shallow and genuine guy in the crowd is making me rethink this phase I've fallen into.

Day 1,152

It's been a while, but I think I say that every time.

The pandemic has gone on but we're vaccinated so the height of mortal insecurity has passed. My boyfriend and I broke up after ~4 years. A month and a half later, it feels nice to be on my own again. I've had the time to connect with friends who can just hang out without spending the time to schedule. It's freeing.

Part of this is made better also by knowing (at long last) that my ADHD brain is a real, diagnosable thing. I only put it off for six months before going for neuropsych testing, and lo and behold, executive functioning and memory are not my fortes. No one I have talked to has been surprised. I suppose twenty eight is not too late to know!

It's been strange thinking of my life like a fish finally seeing the water. Everything comes into focus in a different way, and I am so much more aware of when I fail to dispel thoughts. Most often I notice the extremes, when I fixate on something good or am held hostage to anxiety. If I could just let go of those thoughts, what a dream that would be.

My science has started working, which is terrifying and awesome and exciting. I'm almost afraid to hope again. Could it actually work? Could I actually do this? It's so much scarier when there is a real answer at the end of the slog. Everything stops being theoretical. In a way, this is good, because it means I won't fixate on the ambiguous. I'm working on not freezing, to let myself continue through life without retreating. Retreat seems so comforting and easy, but that's what I did for four years in a comfortable relationship and breaking out has been so exhilarating that I also feel addicted to this recklessness and change. My two conflicting desires - comfort and thrill - are creating a fun storm much like how a hot and cold stream will mix into a tornado. My mood is spinning rapidly and I can only hope that logic prevails so that I don't end up ruining what should be preserved.

I feel both at the top of the world and woefully inadequate. At the end of the day, the thought that's fixed itself in my psyche seems to be the failings of not having put in the effort in... every possible topic. I need to be everything to everyone, or I am not enough. This is bullshit but it has really taken hold. I only wish I wasn't so worried about it. At least it has fueled my motivation for learning and doing. I suppose I'm surprised at how amorphous I can be as a person, and that who I am seems to change every time I'm tired of my old self. My dad used to talk about reinventing oneself throughout life, and I should ask him about that sometime. My greatest fear at the end of the day is that I'll return to the unhappiness - that that's my constant. That's the only thing that ever makes me think that life isn't worth it. But if I can change so easily, maybe it's not all bad. But then who am I?

Day 529

Well last semester came and went without a post, so I suppose I should catch up on that. Maybe I will another time, but I have more to say on the present.

I was thinking the other day that when people struggle in the PhD, it’s not because of the science. I think many times it’s the social pressures of failing in front of peers, being judged for a lack of excellence, being thought of as lesser or being unable to accept the opposite as true. My science hasn’t been working particularly well, but it’s the lack of conversation in our lab, the impatient asking of updates by a teammate who has no helpful suggestions but then asks if I need help “getting it done” because she wants to finish up the project, that get under my skin. It’s that every day that she is rude to me when I don’t have results that I believe a little bit more that she has a reason to be. And it’s not that everyone is nasty or mean - my department is lovely, but one person who is positioned close to you can make it feel like the entire world hates you. So I’m struggling in my PhD not because of the science itself but because I feel lonely and like I’ve failed. If I don’t have friends, am I a good person? If I’m not a good person, what does anything I accomplish even mean?

When I was five or so, my mom got my report card and read that I was “friends with everyone”. She was so proud, and told me over the years how important it was to be inclusive and open to friendships regardless of how different we on the school yard could be. I’ve been trying to live up to my five-year-old self my whole life. I will say though that the friends I do have are quality, and I wish I had the mental energy to show them how much I appreciate them more often. Maybe that’s a perspective shift that I need this new year.

#phd life

Day 345

I have finally realized that reading textbooks is the easiest way to get up to speed on the entire field. Wow.

#grad school #phd life

Day 261

What am I doing and also why. That is all.

#phdlife

Day 254

I passed quals. I didn’t believe it at the time, and may have cried a little when my committee broke the news, but it’s done. I’m in the program.

I didn’t realize how much the uncertainty of being an unconfirmed student stressed me out, but now even lab decisions and a 5-year commitment pale in comparison to the stress of the last year. Also, having read my own posts again for the first time in a while - wow, I was stressed. That’s the first year for you.

Right now, I have time to read new papers and start formulating what I want to work on for the next era of my life. I’ll chill out in Disney World this weekend, I’ll fly back to NYC to start work, and we’ll see where the PhD takes me! Maybe I’ll even have time to go to brunch.

#phd life #post quals

narrativerehearsal

I’ve just remembered the time I told someone I was a PhD student and they said:

‘Oh, that must be great, lots of holidays, huh?’

…I’m pretty sure the sound I made was the ugliest snorting noise I’ve ever made. Quickly followed by me informing them that we look forward to undergrads going on holiday so we can actually get some damn work done.

abrunchinbiologist

*Snorting intesifies*

Day 248

I had a meeting with a professor today, who had graded me rather harshly and whose lab I still hoped to join. She said no.

I realize that I’m not used to rejection. I tend not to stick myself out there for things that I really want, I tend to not try for things I know will be difficult to get, and I tend to beat others to the punch when I see rejection coming, ending things too soon and running away. This mattered to me, however. This is the lab that I’ll be joining for the next five to seven years if I pass my qualifying exam on Monday, and it is impossible to make that decision lightly. So I had to ask.

She still said no.

We had a really good discussion about what her grading meant, the fact that she based it on certain things that I hadn’t thought of, that she did think I did a good job but definitely needed formal training that she couldn’t provide as a new professor (sidenote: new professors need to write grants QUICK to get funding to pay students and basically can afford one really good student until they get this, and I am not that student). I’m sort of devastated anyways.

The most important thing, though, was that I finally asked if she thought based on my rotation if I should be in grad school - her answer was yes. Had the rotation been my qualifying exam (which is 4 days from today) I would have passed. And now I have lots of feelings about what passing would mean. Do I want to have this life of somewhat constant rejection? Will I revel in the knowledge that I have the privilege to pursue? Am I going to burn out immediately because I’m notoriously a sprinter and have zero endurance? Will I learn to have this endurance? I had so much fun working on this proposal, yet I cried almost every night out of fear that it wouldn’t be good enough. How fun it was to put in the effort, and how terrifying it was that my effort may not suffice. I feel like I’ve moved past stages of grief for small things I have let go of now - my anxiety over being good enough, my fear of being ostracized by my peers - and it helps to see clearly what matters. My thoughts linger more on if I will pass this exam, not if this exam determines how good I am. I am good at some things, and I suck at others, and the experts in the field will decide if I deserve a place among them to contribute to *human knowledge*. Life isn’t fair, and it isn’t a perfect system - yet I’ve benefited so much from imperfect systems. You can do everything right and get nowhere, or do everything wrong and get to the highest office of powerful nations. All I can do now is try.

Okay, I’m also a little bit afraid to try because I will care way more if I do and then I’ll be crushed if I don’t succeed, but hopefully this will just make me a stronger person? Maybe? I hope? If all else fails? Silver lining?

Wish me luck on quals!

#phd life #please accept me #academic gatekeeping #QUALS #thoughts on things #grad school rambles

Day 233

Today: I’m totally going to pass quals. I wrote so many things and have somewhat well formulated questions.

Just now, having written that: actually I don’t think I’ve done nearly enough, and I’m tired but I should stay up but I have to be up early so should I?

Yesterday: I’m definitely going to fail quals

The Day Before: OMG I’M GOING TO FAIL

Earlier that day: I got this, I have ideas

The entire week before: I’m going to pass, I think, probably, as long as I start reading in the next 5 minutes

The day we got our assignment (8 days ago): YAY I GET TO READ ABOUT CUTE LIZARDS

Way too late in the process: That’s what that means? (Basically occurs every day about a new thing. One particularly memorable one was when one of the authors of the paper had spoken at our university basically two weeks beforehand and I didn’t even think of it).

So quals are going really well, obviously. And as a note to anyone in normal programs that have a second year proposal as your qualifying exam, ours is a random paper our first year and then the proposal the second year, so we get to do it TWICE. Yay. This only decides if I’m allowed to stay on as a PhD candidate or if I am removed from the program omg omg omg omg

#quals #slightlystressed #just my future #no big deal #save me from the stress #wall lizards are cool at least #lizard people

Day 150

I talked to my mom and I talked to my best friend and I talked to my boyfriend. Then I talked to the others in my cohort and we had drinks over our discussion and then I made plans to go to the gym and meet up with an old mentor. And then, somehow, life got better.

I've found that as my happiness is temporary, so is my unhappiness. It took a few conversations, but by seeking out the people that I knew cared about me and wouldn't judge as I told them all of my irrational fears, I could diminish my anxiety and actually focus on what it was that I needed to do. It turns out that if you focus on science, you get better at science, and you stop being as anxious about being bad at science (go figure). I do know that I'm paralyzed by my fear of disappointing both myself and those around me, and that was what I had to work on last week. Yesterday, though, I gave a pretty killer impromptu presentation and defended my ideas and I think, perhaps, that I'll be able to do this. I also know that if I fail, the people that I love will still love me back.

Anxiety is a weird thing, and our mental states have a huge influence on our every day. We have ways to influence them back, though - we just sometimes need to be a bit more creative to outsmart ourselves.

Day 142 - Back from Break!

So first of all, logging on was a bad idea. I have now wasted precious moments scrolling through all of the Tumblr.

Second, my second semester has begun! In between finals and today, I spent a wonderful holiday in California, introduced my boyfriend to my brother, saw some giraffes and some Legos, had an existential crisis, panicked about getting work done, felt like I didn’t belong in science, had a meltdown to my mom, acquired a stuffed octopus named Squish, and got back on track doing the science and coding stuff. It’s been a busy two days and I’ve wanted to post several times without having the bandwidth so here goes. I think the most intense stress that I feel is not about deadlines or consequences related to doing the work, but what it means if I opt out. There’s always an option to just give up, but that option is absolutely terrifying. I realize looking at this PhD program that sometimes I just don’t think I can do it, and that’s okay, but imagining what happens if I stop is the worst. This has to do with internalizing that I would have given up because I will always give up. It’s not about an action but a pattern of inaction, and the lack of control to stop this if it’s in fact innate. In a parallel way, I’m also afraid that I have the capacity to do the things, but that doing the things are so hard that one day I just won’t want to and that it will become more of a torture to continue on. So perhaps my greatest fear is depression. Hmm.

I have a lot to live for. I think one of the reasons I feel as though the weight of it all is too much, though, is because everything that brings me joy (my friends, my family, my relationship, the privilege of my job) seems predicated on me being as good as the world believes that I am, and I don’t believe it myself. And if I’m not good enough, I’ll lose everything. What then?

I also wanted to talk about politics and how people think about financial things and the assumptions of what is a right vs a privilege and how the world operates with socialism and socialized capitalism but I should get work done, so maybe next time.

Day 99: It Gets Better

I switched labs, as we do during first year rotations. Suddenly, I’m less stressed, more creative, enjoying life. It’s amazing what a difference the lab culture makes, and how much my personal sense of self-worth is influenced by my surroundings.

I wonder how much my choices based on these trends will influence my career, but then again - it reminds me of a conversation I had with an old coworker and friend about potential. Both of us had looked back on our experiences in high school, in undergrad, and then at the company we both worked for. We wondered if we’d tried harder or done more, if we’d be in different places (he applying to medical school and I to graduate school). There were so many things that could have been, and yet, we did what we did. It could be argued that our potential of the past was where we were now, because we tried to the extend that we did and made of what we had what we could at the time. In a way, we are as good or as bad as was always possible, because that is what occurred. Potential ends as events recede into the past. There is no such thing as a could have from a different time.

In a similar way, I wonder at what my future holds or how my current thoughts will shape it, but it is less of what will happen instead of or because of and more, in general, what will merely be. We don’t have the ability to dissect every aspect of our lives and truly know the causes and effects of every happening; we see only the large impacts and, to be honest, what we really want to see. It never ceases to amaze me how much differing narratives can change our interpretations of events. So much of how we see the world has very little to do with what actually happens.

It gets better, and sometimes it gets worse. But for the time being, I am happier and more content in my roles here, and I’m thinking this lab might be the right one for me.

#grad school #PhD life #potential #life philosophy #lab rotations

Day 61

Actually emotionally stressed. So that’s fun.

Main concerns are choosing a rotation (commitment) and not having anyone I choose to rotate with accept me back (risk) but also what that means about me as a scientist (general panic and imposter syndrome) and if I should choose based on interest or personality or skills learned (gahhhh). All things that are very me (and I’m sure relatable) to worry about, but it doesn’t make it any less real. One week to email professors, so let’s just spend a little more time here on Tumblr ✌️

Day 34

I actually considered if I perhaps shouldn’t be doing a PhD today. This one of what I’m sure will be many existential crises about my career choices and life plans. I thought about this through undergrad, and through high school, and even a little bit when I started working after getting my Bachelor’s. And then I found the world of genomics and thought that maybe THIS is what I want to do. This is so much fun that I think I could spend all of my time doing it!

I was right to an extent, but the normal questions that plague me - does this make me happy? Am I good enough at this to succeed? Am I wasting my time by not realizing that the answer to one of those questions is no? - still exist, and thinking that they’d go away forever, especially from my comfortable industry position a year ago, was faulty logic. Of course not. Of course I won’t and can’t know. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Life is good, research is good, and we’re doing something awesome. I wish I had more hours in the day to do everything as well as I could, but that’s whatever, right?

#gradschool #life crisis