My first ‘real’ post, is just kind of sad. Honestly, i want some friends. I had some back in public highschool, but we kind of drifted apart when i, due to not going to class, and thinking it’d be a better way to finish highschool, transferred to an online school, and they graduated. I should have kept in touch, honestly.
I have a few of them added on facebook, as one does, and i send them links here and there, but i still feel...like i’m annoying them, i guess. I want to laugh with someone, not worry about if i’m annoying them, joke around, but i can’t really find people who i feel comfortable doing that with. I wish i could, but when i try i always feel like they just want the conversation to end. Others, who try and talk to me more, and get closer and closer to me, I often feel uncomfortable with.
One such person constantly asks me to add them on facebook. (I talk with them on a game) and i tell them that i only add people i’m close to. They really want me to add them, but hte more they push, the less i actually want to. They pushed less for a while, though i still didn’t really feel comfortable around them, but the other day they greeted me with a “did you add me on facebook yet” and the uncomfortable-ness spiked. Also, they tend to push to know more about me, in the ‘fill out this questionnaire about any and everything about you’ way. I’m not sure why, but that puts me on edge.
Another person is...quite enthusiastic about, pretty much, everything. I met that one through the same game. They can be seriously passive-aggressive sometime, and I’m not sure whether or not they realize it. They’re very affectionate, and i don’t mind e-hugs, but when they try and give me e-kisses, it makes me uncomfortable, due to me having a boyfriend. (and, well, even if i didn’t, i don’t see this person like that) He did it again after i already let him know it made me uncomfortable, but it was long enough ago that when he said he forgot i believe him. He still makes me uncomfortable, though.
Another person, who i don’t talk with anymore, was suicidal. I attempted to help them, when in a situation where i should have reported them to the proper people, but since i knew them for a short time prior to realizing it and finding it out, I attempted to just be there for them, and urge them to talk to someone close to them in real life.
As that went on, at first it was just them not eating, or being able to eat. Cutting themselves. Drinking. I tried to help, we played the game together some while we talked. However, as the game itself holds very little of my interest, i often end up in the lobby. We’d ‘dance’ in the game (really just spinning in circles, it’s a common thing when you just want to talk and relax). Talking to him, though, was tiring, as he always talked about his problems. I’m often the ‘group therapist’ as i joked with some friends i had a while ago, since i was the one people went to to listen about their problems.
now, I’ll take a moment to say why i was doing better, at the beginning of knowing the suicidal person. I’ll refer to him from this point on as Jim, as i can’t think of a better name, and Jim isn’t his real name.
At the beginning of this, i did have some friends. I was still losing interest in this game, but I still got on to talk to my boyfriend, and a few others. We hung out, did treasure hunts, etc. One of my two close friends was having a hard time, but me and my other friend were there for him. We’d talk and joke and relax- when there was silence, it was comfortable. Sal, as I’ll refer to one of my two friends, and Mew as the other- mew being the one going through the hard time.
Sal and i were close- i met her through a chance of luck. She let me know early on, that sometimes she wasn’t in the mood to talk, and I felt okay with that, since as she explained, it felt as if she put to words a piece of myself i could never quite vocalize. We grew close, or what i believe was close. She was, probably, my best friend. I introduced mew to her, and the three of us were friends. I had found a group of people who i felt fully comfortable with. Things were good.
Then, one day, mid-late january, Sal messaged me, had me ‘test’ a treasure hunt. In it was her accumulated game-wealth. ‘thank you for everything, goodbye’- and she was gone. A part of me knew, but ‘knew’ it couldn’t be true. I hadn’t seen one of the signs. I messaged her on another game, and i got a reply. I thought she was just quitting the game, maybe. “this goodbye is, regrettably, permanent”. She game me her account details. A part of me still knew. Or dreaded it, i suppose. A month later, the account logged back on, and i thought it was Sal- however, it was one of her friends. Her friend told me that she wasn’t sure how much she could say, and i told them i just wanted to know if Sal was okay. It was then that this friend informed me of Sal having killed herself. I always said, before, how i couldn’t cry. Or could only cry at cartoons. I cried harder, then, then i ever have. Typing this, almost a full year later, still hurts. I informed mew- he didn’t take it well. We stopped talking, mostly. We still...talk. somewhat.
Back to ‘jim’. Obviously, after this news, I was not in the mood to talk to most people for a while. The only one i talked to was my boyfriend, as we do a roleplay thing, and it provided the perfect escape. That as well as him being a sympathetic ear, he was the only one outside of the family i live with that i spoke to. I did...talk to jim, to an extent. Not much- he messaged me, as was normal. However, as he had done before, he started getting...pissy. He complained how he always messaged me, and how i never messaged him. He had done this before I lost sal, but then, being in a better place mentally, i could endure it. It wasn’t as draining. It still bugged the fuck out of me, but i could deal. I barely talked to him. He enjoyed hugs, so i gave them, tried to make him feel better.
He, however, kept saying things. Like telling me i didn’t really care. that he should just end it. that i didn’t really want to talk to him. When i tried. Talking about music, or games, or anything, he said “just go back to watching your videos, i know you don’t really want to talk to me”
Before, i was joking about giving him a stuffed tiger i owned. He latched onto that, and often told me ways i could mail it to him. It made me uncomfortable, and he often said things like “you didn’t lie about it, did you?” He said other things that made me uncomfortable, too. Two times, i said if he didn’t stop being so passive aggressive, i’d stop talking to him. The third time, i did. I told him that i hoped he got better, i added him to my ignore, and that was that. One of the other times, he came into my clan chat and said something to my clan.
Something else that bothered me, was that he’d often get into accidents. He kept saying that he got drunk and was in the hospital. Once, it was four times within a two week period. He always got out the same day. I...really don’t believe he was telling the truth, and that made me wonder how much of anything he said was the truth.
Luckily, i saw him after that, just in-game. I didn’t react to him, but a part of me is glad he’s okay.
I’ll continue in a new post, as this one got way too long.