oh to be beautiful

[abyugi]

Unmatched

you could rip of my skin tenfold

you could beat me near death

hurt me in every way possible

i’d still want you more than anything.

I still want you.

there is nothing you could do to make me hate you

make me not want you

not love you

i know for fact you wont come back

but still i find myself waiting.

waiting for you is how i will spend my days.

no other fish in my sea

nobody will ever take the place you hold in my heart.

so here i wait.

with pain unmatched.

[abyugi]

i wanted it to be you so god damn bad.

[abyugi]

Lost Sunlight, Of May.

I once felt

The soft sunlight

Of my favorite month

Everyday.

I once wished

For a different kind of weather

Of a different month

And foolishly

I took what I had

For granted.

And now it’s gone,

My soft sunlight of May

My comfortable days in your warmth

All the sweet love I felt

From the sun.

And now all I have is snowstorms.

Endless snowstorms of November

Where my love dies gruesomely.

[abyugi]

What Is Wrong? me?

I act

Just to regret.

I tell you

“I miss you please I’ll do anything”

Just to regret it the next day.

I cry, I sob, I lose sleep over you.

But the next day

I feel the exact opposite.

I don’t understand

What way I am supposed to feel.

Or what will get me out of this cycle.

I miss you.

I miss my friends that I lost with this.

What did you lose?

Me?

I lost it all

You.

My friends.

Myself.

i wish i could wake up from this nightmare.

i wish this all never happened.

i wish

i never happened.

[abyugi]

The Noise

I know I made the decision

I know I was the one who left

But fuck

I thought it would be

A weight off my chest

Because you weren’t the best for me

I thought

Nothing could ever hurt this bad

All I want is to rot and cry

You were my light

My hope

My love

My passion

My reason to go through everything

And now

i’m empty

i’m alone

its quiet without you

without the noise

its so cold

i wake up every morning and cry

because i cannot see your face

see your beautiful smile

your endless eyes

your cute nose

hear your beautiful voice

hear those beautiful three words

i love you

i never thought it would hurt so bad

to let go

of you

[abyugi]

Amante Y ¿Amante?

I love you for all that you are

However

I seem to have fallen for another

Only time will tell if it is real

Or if it’s just a falsity

I love you and do not wish to leave

However

When you limit me

When you tell me i’m not doing enough

When you control me

When you make it about you

I love you

But I question

How much longer can I go on

Losing you may mean

Recovering myself

I’ve built parts of my life

With you at the center

How would us separating affect my life?

Would it be worth it?

Would I be with who I’ve fallen for now?

How can I tell you

Without you being a mess?

If I tell you

Will I still have my friends?

Will I be with her?

Or will everything crumble

Just like that?

But yet again

This could all be

Wrong in a matter of days

[abyugi]

This Beast I call “Mom”

Why do you chose to harm me

When you my own Mother

When you could nurture and support me

How do you rip me from what makes me happy

So far that I have to beg

To even see it

For but a moment

How can you my own Mother chose

To tear me down

When you could cheer me on

This beast

Is keeping me captive

This beast keeps me

From what I love to do

Who I love to be

Because she simply

“Feels like it”

This beast I call Mother

Is not a beast

I wish to stay around

But the alternative

Is not much better

[abyugi]

I Wish I Could Live Without You

I know I know

This is the millionth time

I’ve complained about her

But I don’t know why

I can’t get over her

It’s been four months

Since you left my life

And left me stranded

In the depths of despair

I miss everything about you

Your touch, taste

And the way you made me feel

So loved, so safe

I wish i could live without the memory of you

[abyugi]

This Curse You’ve Placed On My Heart

Ive gone through 3 since you left

I’m not sure why but I always

Fall back to you

Even after the way you left

How much it hurt

I’ve tried and tried

To move on

All pointless

I always think

“She would’ve been better”

I need to know

Why you did

What you did

So I can understand

And move on

And be happy with me

[abyugi]

Heaven on Earth

Everywhere I look

To the left

To the right

Love?

I fall in love to easily

One girl just being my friend

Is all it takes

To make me fall

I’ve been so deprived of that feeling

The smallest acts of kindness

Consider me head over heels

For some girl I don’t even know

Those lovely nights

Texting you till sunrise

Are all I need

To feel complete

You just being near

Close enough to hold

Is like heaven on earth

At least for me.

[abyugi]

I Think I’m done, With it all

I know I know

I say this all day, everyday

But this is my last straw

I’m finally done

With everyone and everything

My only escape is music

Yet here it all is

Making me think of you

And how you made me feel

And yet again

I know this is

A bit of an overreaction

But I’ve been through this

One too many times

I’m Done.

[abyugi]

False Dreams

I think I prefer

When we’re all alone

But I think that you

wouldn’t be able

When with the group

I can’t really act

How I want

Holding your hand, Kissing your cheeks

That’s where the line is drawn

When around others

But when we’re all alone

Everything is on the table

If you’re not willing

To let me show my love

When I’d like

Then I think

This was all just one false dream

[abyugi]

Peeking Around The Corner

Though we are done

I still peek around the corner

Every now and then

To see you happy and smiling

I wish I could see you peek at me

So I could know that you miss me too

As I try to move on

To find distractions from you

Yet you’re always there

On the opposite end of the path

The end of our ballad

Made me act on emotion

Rather than thoughts

Caused me to do things that harmed me

I reached out for help

All attempts futile

All I need to do is move on

Find someone new

Or continue on my own path, alone

Finding myself and healing on my own.

[abyugi]

Now

If I had just one more chance

I wouldn’t have said what i did

I would’ve kept it all in

and held out till you were ready

Now here I am

All on my own

thinking about how to change my actions

wishing you were still mine

Now I know

that all I need is me

Thought it’ll take time

For me to get used to being on my own

Now all I can do

Is think about how much i miss you

And how my love should shrivel

But here it is growing everyday

Now I wonder

If it stayed intact

Would I want that?

I’m sure I’d love all your little quirks

Now I miss

What we could’ve been

You’re touch, You’re taste

Is something i cannot replace

[abyugi]

Our Flame Once Lit

Feeling that flame when I was with you

Made my heart ignite with flames of love

You were everything to me

My love, my life, my heart

When that flame faded for you

Mine was still blazing

I tried to reignite with another

But it was a short lived failure

Though I still wish I had that flame with you

I could act on my feelings

But I know it’d all be to no avail

As you do not feel the same anymore

Did you ever?

There may be a way

To sway

Your love back to me

But i’m not sure i need someone

All i need is me

It will take time for me

To accept that

But I know in my head

I am all I really need

[abyugi]

If I knew what was right

If I knew what would happen

I’d change my actions

So i could have your love today

And forever on

If I knew what to do after us

I wouldn’t have gone back to him

And had my heart split in two

Here i am still thinking about you

If I knew what to do now

I wouldn’t be here writing this poem

Thinking about how i could’ve changed the past

What was it all for?

Here i am asking myself

How to get you back

Do i need to?

Or do i need to be lone, be me, be free

[abyugi]

First Love

Oh sweet first love

though not first in order

you were my first real love

now our spark has faded

fallen and buried

marked by the white dove

you will always be my highest expectation

nothing can beat

how much i loved you and what you meant to me

though i’d covered it up with someone new

i can’t help but think

was he as good as you?

Closure.

i’m sure i have it

is it really all i needed?

it still feels

like an error in my system