“Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw <insert person> in his underwear.”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.”
“I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while, it relaxes me.“
“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”
“I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist”
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
“Don’t put your wand there, boy! … Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!”
“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”
“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”
“Don’t gobblefunk around with words.”
“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”
“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”
“You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!”
“Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! ”
“Remind me, to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?”
“I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!”
“If there were an international butt competition, <insert person> would win, hands down—or cheeks up.”
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
“I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?”
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
“Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
“What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”
“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”
“I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ”
“This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!”
“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
“I’m bad and I’m going to hell, and I don’t care. I’d rather be in hell than anywhere where you are. ”
“I was feeling the height of bitchiness.”
“My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism.”
“I’m placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don’t know, possibly littering.”
“If you’re trapped in the dream of the Other, you’re fucked.”
“If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell.”
“There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone’s face is in close proximity to your penis. This was not one of those times.”
“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.”
“Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie.”
“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”
“To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome.”
“Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.”
“I have to return some videotapes”
“I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
“Of course you know, this means war.”
“What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name”
“’Can the sarcasm?’ Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.”
“Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.”
“You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt”
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”
“How very wet this water is.”
“My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.”
“If I looked like him, I’d want to have sex with myself. All the time.”
“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.”
“Hey, <insert name>. <insert nickname>. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla’s on the loose! Get up!”
