silent grief

briefly 'my-american-pie'. leanne. eighteen. canada. supernatural. music. movies. tv. books. just ask. OTPs:Ron+Herminone. Brooke Davis+anyone. hunter(s) rocking out in the Impala.

[accidentalcollision]

ungh.

ungh, ungh, and more ungh.

So, last night, I was with this guy that I'm really liking.  Like, liking in a way that makes me aware almost every time he's nearby.  And when I'm not around him, I want to be closer to him and all that.  I actually want to find him now, or at some point today, but I'm a bit of a mess.

Here's what happened yesterday:

The scene: Bruce Ball.  The style: drunk as possible and super casual.  The day: hot as possible, super gorgeous.

Basically everyone in my dorm was out and drinking in full force, and it was great.  I got drunk really fast, mostly because I hadn't eaten much, but it was alright, as I don't think I got so drunk that I did anything too stupid.  Nope, I did that when I was hungover.

Anyways, the party kicked off just after 11AM, and all was going good.  I was told to put more sun screen on to prevent from burning and told to put on a hat to prevent from sunstroke, etc.  It was all the usual it's really hot and really sunny out speeches.  haha, "I'm worried about Leanne!"  Ben's sweet, but I was just a little drunk at that point, but I know they were just making sure nothing happened to me in the heat with the alcohol.

Fast forward a while, a sausage, an outfit change, a refill of alcohol, and you'll find me walking barefoot through broken glass with most of the other people.  I was headed...somewhere, nowhere important, when I was stopped by the guy with the beer bong.  I was going to tell him I might do it later, but then was egged on, so I gave him my bottle (a little more than half of a 600mL bottle mixed with orange juice, lemonade, and vodka) and... the alcohol hit faster than I'd ever imagined possible.  haha, I was then almost choking on the taste of the goon that must have been in the bong just before and was told to sit on a guy's lap...  I was trying to sit on the armrest of the chair he was sat in, but ended up falling off and onto him instead.  Haha, after an awkward trial, I finally got situated on the back in the corner... before being told to hook up with him.  By no other than the guy previously mentioned.  haah, it was okay, though.  I fell on a guy in another chair's head from that spot, and couldn't get up... gack!  It was the drunkest I've ever been....

Anyways, once I finally figured out how to get up again, I went wondering.  I heard someone say as they passed me, "Canada's drunk," but that was it.

Fast forward again, past all the water I spilt and all the drinks I almost spilt, the ice, and the drunken texts, the glass that I got in my foot (that's still in there), and the dormies trying to get me to hook up with some guy who I was yet again, not really interested in, and that's where I've had yet another shirt change (again for no reason whatsoever) and talking to the guy I fell on.  Haha, he told me I was working on my hangover.  It was only about 8PM.  I spent the next while going back and forth from my room back to the party.

At some point, I ran into that guy I'm liking, and he's been into finding out the Canadian national anthem, so used that as a way to get me back to his room.  And of course, I was keen, after he wandered off in that direction, I headed a different way (the long way) and only ran into one person.... yep.  Anyways, he was waiting and looking for me while he waited.

And here come the 'ungh' part.  I've never had sex, never done anything remotely close to that, never been close to having sex or doing anything.  I've never even had a boyfriend or been on a date or anything.  I've also never been naked (or mostly naked) in front of anyone other than my immediate, a couple female cousins, and a few close, close friends before.  So, for me, it was really different and a bit awkward...and it probably would have been easier if I was still drunk.

He thought it was good (for me, not him) that I was waiting before going all the way.  Honestly, I was seriously considering doing just that on Thursday, as well as a couple hours earlier.  And I know I want to just do it, but it freaks me out.  I mean, isn't it supposed to be something special?  I know a lot of people do it with just about anyone, it seems (okay, maybe not), but I just don't know.  It really freaks me out, and while I want to be able to just not worry about it, I'm a worrier, and I don't want to be one of those girls... or whatever (I don't think I ever could be, but still).

So that ended well.  I have to figure this out.  And maybe get even more sloshed the next time I go out.  I don't know.  There was a bunch of other things that just helped make it more awkward, but I can barely think about those right now, let alone write them out.

Anyways.  Here's one of the best, funniest things that happened:  While I was heading back to my dorm, past my room, I noticed the door was open.  Peaking in, I saw some stuff on my floor.  I thought someone might have trashed my room or something, only to find out it was a jewelry box, and that their were flowers on my bed.  Heading down the hall, I heard some talking, and peaked in to ask them whose stuff was in my room.  Turned out one of the girl's rooms had been broken into and she had put her stuff in my room because it would be safe...unlocked.  haah!  Here's what she did in her very drunken state: put up her pictures, moved her laptops, phone, jewelry box, sock from the smoke detector, budda, tomato sauce (ketchup), flowers, and cheese.  As well, the part of the door that had broken off.  Because those are the important things!  Her broken door frame and her cheese!  haah!  so much funny shit happening!

Anyways.  I need advice, if anyone is willing to give some on my guy issues.  I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it is, but I really don't know.  (My whole...or most of them... know that I've never done it, but I'm kind of awkward talking about.  Most of them that even seem to talk to me about it keep telling me I should just do it.)

[accidentalcollision]

1. Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?

--yes.

2. When did your last hug take place?

--last night.  I'm always hugging people when I'm drunk.  my last proper hug that wasn't somewhat alcohol induced? that would have been a couple weeks ago.

3. Are you a jealous person?

--sometimes.  depends on the situation.  sometimes I claim I'm jealous, but I don't really care all that much, other times I'm fuming with jealousy.

4. Are you tired right now?

--extremely.

5. Do you chew on your straws?

--it's my favourite thing to do with them.

6. Have you ever been called a tease?

--not that I know of, not to my face.

7. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

--yes, and it was incredibly stupid.

8. Do you cry easily?

--usually.  I was actually crying because of the skittles last night...

9. What should you be doing right now?

--reading a book for class, reading a research report for a different class, writing either of those papers, showering, or sleeping.

10. Are you a heavy sleeper?

--about seventy per cent of the time, yes.  but I can be woken out of anything with enough effort.

11. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

--I wouldn't know...

12. Are you mad at someone right now?

--maybe.  I can't remember, probably not though.

13. Do you believe in love?

--completely.

14. What makes you laugh no matter what?

--some of my favourite people, doing what they do best.

15. Who was the last person you talked to?

--in person? Ben.

16. Do you get butterflies around the person you like?

--sometimes.  usually.  but not lately.

17. Will you get married?

--I hope to someday.

18. When was the last time you smiled?

--a couple seconds ago at my friend's comment on my Facebook status.

19. Do you know of anyone that likes you?

--it's possible that someone likes me, but I don't know about if they do.

20. Do you secretly like someone?

--it's possible.  I'm currently trying to figure this out for myself right now.  ask me again next week.

21. Who was the first person you talked to today?

--I can't remember.  Emma, Ellie, Ben, Jade?  it's quite possibly any of them.  maybe Alex.

22. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

--my Mom and my sister.

23. What are you NOT looking forward to?

--writing my papers, reading that book, doing my digital media assignment. 

24. What ARE you looking forward to?

--tomorrow and Sunday.  tomorrow is Res Cup, Sunday is Bruce Ball.  plenty of fun to be had.

25. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

--no.

26. Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?

--I'd be very confused as to what I was doing with an ex without ever having had a boyfriend before.

27. Do you plan on moving out within the next year?

--I plan on moving back in in a couple months, then back out for about six, and then back in for the next two years.  and then I'll move out for good, most likely.

28. Are you a forgiving person?

--if I love or like or have faith in the person, or they've done something to redeem themselves, then yes.  if I really couldn't care less about them or I don't like them, then most likely no.

29. How many TRUE friends do you have?

--no exact number, but it's a select few.

30. Do you fall for people easily?

--very.  just look at that previous post.

31. Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

--I'd have to have an ex to have fallen for his best friend, wouldn't I?

32. What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?

--my pinky finger, honestly.

33. Who was the last person you drove with?

--Emma and Camilla, as Emma picked Camilla and me up from the train station about four weeks ago.

34. How late did you stay up last night and why?

--to 5AM.  it was the Cindy Ball and I was having a good time.  honestly, it would have been even later if the guy I was with hadn't insisted on having to walk me home.

35. If you could move somewhere else, would you?

--of course.  I want to live in about fifty different countries as of yet.  okay, maybe not quite fifty, but it's pretty high up there.

36. Who was the last person you took a picture of?

--Allen, Victoria, and Lea.  Lea's in a white bunny rabby costume, too, how cute!

37. Can you live a day without TV?

--yes, I do it all the time.

38. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?

--last night, it was fun, but I was let down a couple times.

39. Three names you go by:

--Lemony, Canada, and Leannies.

40. Are you currently in a relationship?

--no.

41. What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

--A Walk to Remember, if you go by number of watches.  Remember Me, if you go by how I feel towards it.

42. Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?

--I believe that it's a possibility.

43. What’s your current problem?

--guys.  and uni.

44. Have you ever had your heart broken?

--yes.

45. Your thoughts of long distance relationships?

--it's possible that they could work.  depends on how both parties feel towards each other.

46. How many kids do you want to have?

--two biologically, and one adopted.

47. Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?

--I've never told a guy I like him out of fear of rejection and being judged and laughed at.

[accidentalcollision]

Here are some of the highlights from last night:

I felt really pretty (slightly overdressed, but pretty).

My award was the "Maple Syrup Award".

When I got splashed by someone's dropped beer, I cried out, "You got it up my ass!" a bunch of times in annoyance.

I was told I was gorgeous and beautiful a bunch of times.

I was told I was going for the "Marilyn Monroe look".  I wasn't, but it was nice to be compared to someone so stunningly beautiful.

There was a white rabbit running around.  We made friends.

I also made friends with her friend, too.

I ran into a friend I only see every once in a while about four times.  (I didn't run into some of friends I was planning on running into, but that happens.)

I had a short but great time with that guy mentioned in a previous post.  He's really awesome.

I was really drunk.  But the night didn't leave me with any more than just exhaustion...no hangover.

It was a lot of fun.  I had a lot of fun.

[accidentalcollision]

Last night.  Last night... last night was great.  It was a big event called Cindy Ball, and that was plenty fun.

I got rather drunk, not so much that I can't remember parts of my night, but enough that I almost fell down a bunch of times.  I think it was a good thing my dress was an a-line cut, so I couldn't fall out of it like a lot of the other girls were with their low-cut dresses.

Before the night began, like a couple days before, I tried making my mind up about this guy I've had a couple crazy nights with, and also trying to run into just so I could say hi or whatever.  I've realised as recently as a couple of hours ago, after having tried to convince myself over the past few weeks that it was just a little fling and nothing really would come of it, that I might have a big time crush on him.  Which is driving me nuts, as I don't want to have yet another crush on someone else unattainable.

So, at the beginning of the night, I was in a friend's room as we were the only two ready for the night, and while another friend started on her makeup.  While she was applying her makeup, she asked me what was going on between us, like if we were seeing each other or what?  And besides the fact that I know we're not seeing each other and I hadn't spoken or saw him in quite some time, I didn't (and still don't) know what's going on between us.  (Which is kind of what I told her in my already slightly drunken state.)

Then later in the night, before we went over to the uni-bar but after our pres, a bunch of us were in another friend's room and he popped in with a few friends, and my dormies started mentioning his coming to my room at 3AM and how I should fix his other hairs (he had a couple out of place...which I helped fix for him), and blah blah blah.

Later at the bar, we found each other and he started asking me what they had been talking about, but never really finished as he got distracted (see second picture).  And then when he tried again, I was being a little evasive, and then he put his number in my phone and we went our separate ways again.  (haha.)

The next I knew, I was hanging out with another guy and after a while, I kind of wanted to go seek the first guy, but I was still having fun with the new guy.  Fast forward a couple hours, and I was still in the same place with the new guy.  And he was great.  At one point, he told me I was going for a Marilyn Monroe look... Umm, I don't know about that.  And he kept telling me I'm gorgeous or beautiful (or both? I can't remember) and that I should be telling myself that when I look in the mirror in the morning (etc).  Aw, right? :)  Anyways, he was great, like I've already said, and then we went dancing, and I kind of knew he was going to try to kiss me, so I wasn't exactly surprised when he did.  It was just... every time we kissed, I had his nose in my eye.  So that was kind of awkward.... and I didn't really know what to say to him about it...  I mean, it wasn't a big issue or anything.

And then he wanted to walk me home.  And my tactic for when I'm letting someone walk me home is to let them walk me to the door (obviously), but then, if they decide to follow me in and up the stairs (because I live in a dorm and anyone can come and go as they please, basically), then I try to pretend I have to use the toilet and say goodnight and blah blah blah, so I don't have to take them down to my room, because I find that kind of awkward, as my room is my room, and that makes it personal and private... I only really let people I kind of know into my room.  Anyways, he didn't really take the hint, and so I was left kind of showing him to my room and all that, and since I hadn't locked the door, and it was open a crack, I couldn't really waste time by getting my hidden key out and pretending to unlock it and all that.  So saw my room...and I had to tell him I just wanted to go to bed.  And it was all a little awkward...mostly because (I think) I had someone else on my mind.

I didn't really want him to walk me home as I actually wasn't quite ready to leave, but I just wanted to leave him, even though he was great.  And I was really cold, and he insisted on staying outside, even though he knew I was cold.  (haha...my knees were all buckling with the cold..)

So I'm not sure what's going on with the guy I've now realised is probably a crush. I saw him a couple times this evening, but it was just kind of awkward.  Argh, why do I have to behave so oddly when I've been drinking?  And by that, I mean so completely different than I am when I haven't been drinking... ungh.

I'm probably going to see him tomorrow.  Actually, I know I will.  We have Res Cup, and since he's an Resident Adviser, and I think he's on the team or something, he'll be there.  And I'm going to support the residence, as it's a big event and I've been looking forward to this for a couple weeks now.  So we'll probably run into each other at some point during the day.  As well as the next day as it's Bruce Ball, which is just for our residence, and there's less than 200 people in the residence, and I still don't know that many people....so.  And there will be alcohol... haha, me and alcohol really shouldn't mix the way it does...  haha.

Well, I'm done my little confused and panicky vent.  This is probably one of the few times where ranting doesn't exactly make me fell better afterwards, and that's because not everything will be cleared up just by making my feelings known.  Ungh.  But it's easier having some place to think and put my thoughts down without being judged by some of my dormies..  Or, I should really say bugged.  Because my dorm just loves to bug me.

[accidentalcollision]

I hate when people make excuses for someone else being an idiot when someone gets hurt.

It's been a while, and it feels like all I've been doing around here when I come is rant and vent.  But I really need it this time.

I'll start at the beginning.  Thursday was a big night, we had Flume at the unibar, and I was hangout out with a lot of friends, all at different times.  I was with a big bear, and some other friends when a gorilla came over.  I couldn't figure out who it was, but the way he was coming at me, I knew he was going to pick me up -- something I didn't want.  And then, the next thing I know, I'm falling backwards, hitting my head on the ground.  The next bit's still pretty fuzzy, but he tried getting me back up and on my feet, but I started crying and wanted to lay back down and just take a break while I laid on the dirty floor of the bar -- not that I cared that it was dirty.

In all honesty, I don't remember if my head hurt in that moment.  All I remember is crying, and that I didn't want to cry.  I wanted to stop and not worry about it.  But I was crying so they would stop picking me up off the floor and just leave me.  That's what I remember about hitting my head.  I know that they helped me into a sitting position, and then moved me to the wall where I would be out of the middle of the room and able to have something to lean on.  One girl helped me calm down by having me count, and a guy (who I had previously met the week before and had forgotten his name) asked me some basic questions that should be asked when you  have just hit your head, name, date.  And then, the one I was really slow to get, "Who is the prime minister of Australia?"

And while it took me a few seconds longer than it probably normally would have, and I kind of knew the answer, I still wasn't sure, so I went very Australian, and replied, "How the fuck would I know?"  At which point he laughed, and told me it was a good answer.  Then he asked if he could check my head, which I didn't care.  But he was checking much too low, so I grabbed his hand, and put it where it hurt, but I don't think he really got what I was pointing out to him.

After that, someone brought me a glass of water, and another brought me some ice, and I sat with a friend and just relaxed a little.  I went back to my dorm, found out I was locked out, changed out of my costume, and went back over, only to find that I should have taken something for the headache I was getting from everything.

I didn't stick around much longer, though, and was back at my dorm a short while later, because of the noise and the pounding in my head.  I didn't sleep right away, though, because I know I probably shouldn't.  The bright lights were painful and I all I wanted to do was cry and go home.  But I didn't cry, and I couldn't go home.

So, that was almost two days ago, exactly, now.  I haven't seen a doctor, but I probably should.  It's very likely that I have a concussion, and I probably shouldn't even be writing this.  My head hurts more today than it did yesterday, but it's fine right now, most likely because I'm distracting myself with it.

Besides not feeling so great, I'm rather upset.  I just really hate when people make excuses for someone else being an idiot when someone gets hurt.  And I feel like that's just what one of friends is doing.  I have a right to be upset, the two times I've met this guy, he's done something that's hurt me in some way, whether it be emotionally or physically.  And maybe he is drunk, but that doesn't make it right, that just makes it even worse, that he just goes around getting drunk all the time.

I think...I think I just really need to cry and a big hug and and need to have someone who's going to be there.  I know there are genuinely good people in this world, and people who don't give a shit about anything.  I know that there are some people who can be classified as both, but they're always leaning more one way than the other.  (I was asked after I told a dormie why I missed Flume, "Why didn't you come get me?" and then told, "Next time, come get me."  I know he's in the middle somewhere, since he's caused me pain, but he's been genuine about making sure I was okay after, and while gorilla man did apologise, I don't know if I'm going to be okay right now.)

I think I'm going bed.  I'm not sure if I can take anything more for my head, but I can take another aspirin, so I might and go to bed.  I just need to cry myself to sleep tonight, and wish away the pain.

[accidentalcollision]

I don't get how or why some people can be content with always being the same place for so long.  I just don't get it.

I've lived in the same house in the same city my whole life, and I know that while it's always been fine, it hasn't been what I wanted for quite some time now.  I don't know when it happened, but at some point I decided that I hated this city, I wanted something different.

And I've never gotten out.  Not yet.  I mean, it's coming - in ten days to be exact.  But it's not permanent.

I've been trapped for a long time.  I wanted to go to school out of town, but I wanted to go away on an international exchange even more.  There wasn't enough to do both, so I had to choose to stay home and go to school at the local university and maybe get the chance to go somewhere cool for a year.

Well, my year is here.  I'm going on that exchange.  But I kind of wish that it could be longer than a year, that it wasn't so expensive.  I also kind of wish that I could go away for school and do an exchange.

I know now that once I'm graduated from university and get a good job, I'm leaving and I'm not looking back.  Once I'm gone, I'm gone.  There's no turning back once I leave.

I mean, I know it probably wouldn't be such a big deal to come back for the holidays, and while I haven't really looked that far into my future (it's still really far, and really freaky), I don't know if I'll be able to do that and still be able to get away.

I'm just so sick of being trapped.  I hate small places, especially those in the middle of nowhere, where there's nothing to do.  You'd think someone would have gotten the hint long ago when I started looking at visiting some of the biggest cities, like New York and Chicago and Los Angeles and Toronto, and I've had a great fascination with London for years.

[lightonmcfly-blog]

[tommcfly]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN

Next album cover?

[starkbran]

[accidentalcollision]

I just really need to vent right now.

I hate being a total mess.  But that's what I am.  That's all I ever seem to be these days.  I can't keep focused on any one thing for more than a few minutes.  And when I am focused, it's on something that unimportant.

Like, there was a while about a month ago where I was obsessed with FreeCell.  Like seriously.  And now all I want to do is read.  And I have some huge projects due at the beginning of the month!

And now, on top of that, I've been thinking about going to Northern Ireland or England next year on exchange.  And they recommend that you have an average of at least 70.  Which would be fine.  If this was three years ago.  Or if this was two years ago.  Or if this was even last year.  This year?  I can't seem to focus on anything and it's going to get me screwed.

I've recently decided that I don't like my major.  I mean, I've been thinking about it for a while, but I was planning on sticking with it, but now it's different.  I hate my Stats class and I hate my Social Psychology class.  I have nothing against the people, and for one of the classes, it's not the teacher.  I hate my Stats prof.  He's really boring and I think I would actually enjoy the class if my Intro Psych prof from last year was teaching (apparently she's taught this class before and made it fun, and I can see that--she's really fun).  And he's almost monotone.  I don't really know, I can't concentrate enough on what he's saying ever to know for sure four days after the most recent class.

I love my Child Psychology class, though.  Actually, that's the only Psychology class I really really really wanted to take this year.  That might have something to do with it.  And Latin is really fun, too.  I'm doing amazing in that class, who knew!  Astronomy is Astronomy is Astronomy.  I wish it was Astrology.  That would make it a million times better, not because I'm really all that interested it that sort of stuff, but because I know that sort of stuff.  But my prof is British or something so occasionally I listen and make some mental notes.  (I learned what a sieve is the other day from him.)

But it's like I shouldn't even talk to my mom.  I guess that's where the whole teenager-not-talking-to-parents thing comes from?  Because everything--everything--even remotely bad I tell her--and for some reason I just can't not tell her--she gets all pissed at me.  Like I should be trying harder.  Actually, she says I should be trying harder.  But I'm already trying SO hard.  Just because she and my sister find school so easy that there's not any real effort of work to doing the work and studying doesn't mean that I can.  I find school and the work that accompanies it an extremely difficult challenge that I would rather not be part of.  Too bad I want to be a teacher.

I thought maybe I could do a general arts major instead of my psychology, that way I get to choose everything I take and I don't have to take anything I really don't want to.  But I don't think I can do that.  And then, I found this major that would be that I could pick and choose for a whole list of majors and get an Interdisciplinary degree.  Except--there's always and except--they don't offer it at my campus--the main campus!--they only offer it at the little campus hundreds--hundreds of kilometers away from here.  And they don't offer the courses I would need to take there--that that's a grand total of two!--online, like they do most courses.  Just on the other campus.  And I don't think it's offered during the summer.  Or else I might be able to go down there for a few months and work on getting the credits.  Oh, look at that: I just checked, and nope, of course they're not planning on offering it during the summer.  Why would they?  They offer it, like, twelve times during the regular school year.

When I talked about all this with my mom, not the going to the other campus part for the summer, because that just occurred to me, but them only offer the courses at the other campus and all that and wondering if they had it online, she said we would figure it out later.

But when you're super unhappy doing something, shouldn't you make changes?  Just because my mom doesn't actually do anything about her job and just complains all the time doesn't mean I have the be the same way.  And I don't want to be like her.  (She tells us sometimes she wishes she had of followed her original plans and hadn't become an accountant, but a teacher.)

I haven't ever really been comfortable in my major.  I mean, a few months before I graduated high school, I freaked out over it.  I thought about for quite a while and almost switched majors, only to discover once I started the courses that I liked that one even less than psychology.  And for some reason, everyone thinks I want to be a guidence counselor.  Which really doesn't make any sense what so ever.  Seeing as I can't make a decision to save my life, let alone helping others figure out their lives.  And since I can't seem to figure my life out, it doesn't make sense to be in school to do such a thing.  That would be stupid.  But that's what I'm doing now, so it's a pretty stupid move.

I'm constantly freaking out.  I really am.  I get a thought in my head and off I go, my mind reeling.  And I'm constantly thinking of worst-case scenarios.  For everything.  Not just about school, but about driving, work, and everything in between.

Sometimes, I wish I could take some time off.  Like a year or something.  And just do nothing.  Maybe I would work, maybe I would travel.  And I while I'm taking a time out, I would be figuring out what it is I want to do.

But I can't take a time out.  I can't even take an extra year at school.  Well, I can, but it would throw my plans a bit out of whack.  I want to have a somewhat steady job by the time I'm twenty five.  That's only six years from now.  And if I graduate on time, I'll have two years.

Why do I have to plan everything out?  Crap.  But I want everything that I want to have.  You know, a good life.  But that's hard to think about.  Some days it feels as though 25 is so far away.  And then the next, it's like it's tomorrow.  And actually, if it was tomorrow, it would probably be easier, since I wouldn't be worrying about this crap anymore, and I'd be worrying about something else, since that's what I do.  If it was tomorrow, I'd be finished school and doing what I've dreamed of doing since I was little (of course, when I was little, I thought about being everything--a surgeon (too much blood); a firefighter (too hot); a beach ball (too much air.  Also: impossible)).

Recently, I've been wondering if I could do just as well or better in these classes if, instead of going to the classes, I spent the time reading the text books and taking notes on what I'm reading.

Grr, I need to get this straightened out.  Like, right now.

[accidentalcollision]

Back!

I've been gone since April.  APRIL!  April, and the only real reason I can remember now is that I wanted to make my 20,000th post special.

But I'm not at that post, not anymore anyways.

I don't know why I took such a long time to come back here.  I just really needed somewhere to get all my feelings out, but I'm just going to ramble here for a bit.

In the past months, this is what's happened:

Summer started.

I had my 19th birthday in July.

I worked a lot.

I went to Chicago in August.

I got five pairs of shoes while in Chicago and vicinity.

I went to Toronto at the end of June.

I started a new year at university.

I'm taking Latin.

I love Latin.

I'm taking Child Psychology.

I love Child Psychology.

I'm taking a few other courses.

I don't love them.  Not at all.

I'm working all the time.

I don't get as much sleep as I should be.

I started baking in August.  This means getting up at 4AM.

I'm making lots of money.

I want to go on the UK next year.

I want to be in Europe this time next year.

I'm a total mess, though.

I suck at school more now than I ever thought.

I've been reading some really good books lately.

I'll reorganize this as soon as I have about ten million zillion hours.  (Which will be never, but I'll do it anyways.)

It's snowy out.  It's really cold.  Not really cold.  But colder than I'd like it it be on November 20th.

I need to rant, so I'm going to end here.

[accidentalcollision]

Happy Birthday to Me! :D

Hi guys! I've been meaning to come back recently, but I kept forgetting. Anyways, it's July 7th, which means it's my 19th birthday, which means that when I go out to dinner with my family to night, I get to order my first legal drink! This is exciting! It's kinda crappy, weather-wise, as per usual. But I've got my new CDs, so all is good! See you soon! I promise!

[accidentalcollision]

Day 24

Biggest fear?

It's Warmer In The Basement - Cobra Starship

AH!  BEING TRAPPED IS A BIG FEAR OF MINE. MAYBE.

[accidentalcollision]

Day 21

What do you think of when you see the person you like?

Gibberish - Relient K.

OH GOSH, YES.  I cannot speak when I see someone I really like.

[accidentalcollision]

Day 20

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Redundant - Green Day

I WANNA BE REDUNDANT.  I WANNA BE REDUNDANT.

But, seriously, I love this song, and it's my favourite because it's adorable because it's that cute little love ballad, and that's what I want to be when I grow up: in love.

[accidentalcollision]

I got 80% on my Psychology final!

THAT'S WHAT I WAS SHOOTING FOR.  OH MY GOD!  THAT MEANS I GOT 20 WRONG, BUT THAT'S TOTALLY OKAY, BECAUSE THAT MEANS I END WITH A 76.5% BEFORE THE BONUS MARKS, AND AN 81.5% AFTERWARDS.  OH MY GOSH, THIS IS REALLY EXCITING!!!

[accidentalcollision]

Hi. Sorry I haven't been on in over a week.

Here's an update.

It's exam time.  I'm supposed to be studying.  I've been doing other things too, though.

I had my Geography exam on Thursday.  And on Friday I had my Psychology exam.  I found out at the second exam that if you use red pen on the scantron sheets, it won't mark, so I'm a little freaked out, because I used red pen both days and only was able to corrected it the second time.  I hope it gets fixed if it can't be read.  Yikes!

Wednesday was my sister's birthday, so on Sunday, we went out to dinner at this restaurant across town that's been there for like, 30 years but my sister and I had never been to.  It was really good!

Sunday was also the day I worked.  It was good, even though the girl I work with INSISTS on throwing everything out after, like, twenty seconds.  That's not much of an exaggeration, either.

Monday (last) I checked out One Tree Hill because it's now on MMM, and I loved it.  So on Wednesday, I started watching it from the beginning.  I've been hooked ever since, considering it's not even a week later, and I'm on season 4.  I just have to say: I love Brooke Davis.  This is the reason she's now my picture.  (:

Saturday I ordered up a couple things from Amazon.com.  A couple, apparently, means six.  My Mom and I are going down to the states after my exam this weekend as I'm most likely working on Sunday.

Friday I have my Linguistics exam.  And Saturday I have my Philosophy one.  I'm not really looking forward to either, but I'm looking forward to them both being over.

I'm also looking forward to this Friday.  Because Supernatural returns!  Yay!  I've been missing it recently.  Especially when I was talking about it briefly at the restaurant and my whole family kept correcting me: "Hellatus." "Hiatus!"  It happened about four times before I explained it to them.

Yesterday, I went to see Take Me To The Pilot again.  Those guys are amazing.  I bought a shirt, put it on, and Jon high-fived me.  And then afterwards, Mike commented on the fact that I knew, like, every word.  That excited me.

I also bought an Empire Lies shirt and EP, because those guys are awesome, too, and it was on clearance (I wouldn't have been able to afford it if it hadn't been).  And then I found out that the shirt had a city scape of my hometown, taken from the Marina, which is pretty cool (they're hometown boys)!

So, my show is ready for me.  I should be back Saturday evening or Sunday morning.  If I'm not, then I'll be back early next week because I wanted to watch s'more One Tree Hill.

Bye!  I miss you!

[accidentalcollision]

Day 18

What do you think of the person you like?

The Airway - Owl City.

"When I am fast asleep, I dream and see you floating high above me."