Acorn Wish

Ayo, I'm Chel. I struggle with PTSD, anxiety, & depression. And this is my poetry:

[acornwish]

Visit

I used to sit where you rested. A bed of grass separating us. I missed seeing your face, but I knew I wouldn't want to see it now. I'd still tell you about myself, how the few months have passed. Maybe more than I ever would have if you were still here.

I used to sit, but now I stand guiltily. Our one-sided conversations shorter, as there are more of you to visit now.

I used to visit, but now it seems like you visit me just the same.

[acornwish]

Ghosts

Your life taunts me Days that now belong to you

The big moments of when you were meant for another year, & the bigger moments of when that stopped being possible.

A constant reminder of your once existence as living another year past you feels wrong 

One after another, Your life haunts me

Every. single. one. of. you.

[acornwish]

[Thank you]

I started practicing saying, "Thank you" a few years ago. The other day, I started crying, overwhelmed & filled with so much warmth than I'm used to.

Self love is a process. Not loving yourself hurt's others. If you really love people around you, learn to love yourself first. It's not something people like to hear, that they can't love others without loving themselves first. There's a lot less hurt if you can love in the right places first.

You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to learn everything at once. Taking little steps towards loving yourself is enough. It can be as simple as learning to take compliments, even if it's embarrassing. Be kind to yourself.

[acornwish]

Day Napping

A window sunlit with a bench to be sat   Her nose kissing the glass     already stained from pecks before   The brown under her black fur     both shaded in warmth

  Surveying eyes I'm unsure of her level of ease   The wind moving the branch just beyond her Witnessing life, perhaps -   An outer world that must still be seen

Her eyes falling weary as she basks   Soon her head nods a pleasant boredom   onto paws barely set on the sill

[assbread]

Go ahead & treat me like your villain. Like it doesn't hurt me or because you like it. It doesn't matter why. I don't mind anymore. Go ahead & tell me my worth. Maybe my pain doesn't matter, but neither does yours. So, go ahead:

Show me which of us isn't human again.

[acornwish]

[Go Ahead]

[acornwish]

The Same Dream

I dream the same dream. Your face may be hidden, but I know it to be you. The mockery always the same: Never creative, never new. Hurtful as always, but it's just like you. I wake up again and again finding myself dreaming, wishing that I'm not…

I dream the same dream.

[acornwish]

The Right Place

All those times Toiling and agonizing Is your heart in the right place? Selfishly insecure Begging to know Is your heart in the right place? But now that it's all perfect And I can feel myself smiling I have to wonder... is mine?

[acornwish]

More

You open the door for me, but after stumbling around I finally rush my way through. You're nowhere following behind.

So why am I not surprised that the floor has given way and that falling doesn't feel as scary as I thought it would.

But I guess, this is it's own kind of peace, wouldn't you say?

For you, it doesn't matter whether I'm on my two feet or not. Feel free to trip me up. I want you to make me falter. 

Our lives are always spinning barely connecting, But we'll try  with outreached hands.

Is this what peace is meant to feel like? I couldn't say.

Hey, maybe I need a little direction. Getting lost is so intoxicating and you make it so convincing, But I can't tell why my heart beats so fast now.

We have a kind of peace, That's all you have to say.

I don't care whether its true anymore. This is our quiet, So trip me up. I won’t care anymore. This is our way, So make me nervous.

[acornwish]

Hopelessly

My little secret's out Now you know:     how silly I can be...     how weak I am for you...     how dumb I am. You know everything. You can know everything,     if you asked. You can use me,     if you'd like. Maybe this is just fun,     but I really am dumb     and I regret spilling my secret. There's not a lot I wouldn't do,     you just need to ask, but I have a bigger secret     and this time I intend to keep it.

[acornwish]

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, Mirror on the wall... Why do you not reflect what I see? Sputtering compliments like v̶̲͠e̴͖̋n̴̯̥͗͆ö̶͎́ṁ̵̦̎ Every single one undeserving of me L̴̝͎̂̒͋͊̈́ī̸̢̢̛͓͔̙̀͂̆̀̐̃̽ȃ̷̢̺̩̪̼̪̟̰̮̌̿̃̈́̓̑̾̀͘͜͠ͅr̴̛͍̃͆̒͆͌̌̃̀̅͝͝,̸̧̡̰̦͕̙͙͔͙̙͉͚͈͚̥͚̰̆̓̃̽̄͂͑̚͝ ̴̡͈͈̉L̵̡̜͑̈́̃̓̕͜į̶̜̮̈́̏̂̐̔̌͒͑́̾̕͘a̴̢͈̼̫̬͍̜̮̯̗̣͌̈́̃͑̋̈́́̓̓̉̒̀̄̇͆̚͝ͅr̶̛̞̻̭̪̜̙̠̝̜̓͐̈̑̈́͋̈̒̑͘̕͝ on the wall... Why do you l̷͎̗̙̟̮̫̖͙̭̏̒̇̃̎̍̎̀͘͜ḯ̵̢̱̘͚̉̚̚è̸̢͍̜̮̯̭̝̞̙̥̫̦̀͋͒̓̔̎͌͐̈̕̕͜ and see me differently? I’m less beautiful than you imagine I know that there is r̷̹̥̪̀̚͜ō̸̢̺̭̟̣͓͇ͅt̸̫̐̀͊͐̈́̽̿̌͘͝ there Mirror, Mirror on the wall... Will I ever see myself as you see?

[acornwish]

You

Static appears slowly at first,   taking over my senses   where [ ] should be. Then it's gone and nobody else has noticed   that the h le that used to be     h s been f lled by static       nd I stru gle to rem mber [ ]..   But I ne er want d to f rget.

[acornwish]

Return to Sender

Letters go out  with bottled up feelings Letters come back  full of warm regards Letters go out  alleviating any pain Letters go out  slowly getting desperate Letters go out  as it's getting harder to breathe Letters come back  labeled 'return to sender' Letters come back  creating their own pile   Letters get read    riddled with hurt   Letters get read    as if the words stained each sheet   Letters get read    the ink burns itself into me   Letters get read    wondering if     Maybe      it corroded into them, too     Maybe      if the letters stopped     Maybe      I could go back to being me       But I'm sitting here stained now        not knowing who I was before these letters   Letters get read

[acornwish]

□

Mistaking white for empty as if to say 'nothing's there' but not realising, that in a "blank" sheet there's every color even if you don't notice

[acornwish]

Meteor

Feeling like a shooting star: The closer I get to you, the more I light up. Burning from the inside, until it’s more than I can bare & I come crashing down

[acornwish]

Colorful

A boy made of glass   so wonderfully transparent but he sees straight through   focusing on the emptiness missing every which way   that light reflects and every color   that only he can make

[acornwish]

Small Distortions

They all walk past going there different ways. A crowd made of paper, so trim and neat. Pleasantly bumping into one another. They smile, sometimes, going the same direction. Coming and going about their lives, uninterrupted. Less graceful than they, I trip and sully myself over and over, getting up dirtier than the last Pulling others from their paths, leaving smudges To each and every one, gifting only my mistakes Leaving them pieces of me they never asked for

[acornwish]

Shells

One by one

    they all toss shells

        into the ocean they go

      Sinking until it hits the bottom

          and all those shells that sit there littering… gleam

        Reflecting back colorful lights through out the ocean

            Breaking through the surface for all to see

As I, alone, throw sand.