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Can't bear the pressure of coming up with something brilliant for this space. So I will leave it at mediocre. Or somewhere in between.

[acrossbeyond]

Warfare Mind - Omelia Fanfic Final Chapter - Somewhere only we know

Owen turns dark and twisty. Will Amelia handle it, without going dark and twisty herself? Post 12x06 Previous chapters: Chapter 1 |  Chapter 2   |  Chapter 3  |  Chapter 4  | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

Amelia was calmly sipping her coffee on the patio overlooking the seaside. The rush of the waves colliding brutally against the shore was surprisingly soothing her worried mind. She was grateful though: Staying with Addison in L.A. had a pacifying effect on her. She felt rebalanced, especially now that she was surrounded by so much love and gratitude after having saved Ella’s life. Addison being Addison, decided a small party was due, to celebrate Ella being discharged, and Amelia was looking forward to it. But in the quietness of the sunrise, she couldn’t help thinking about Owen. They were rarely texting these days. No calls, just cautious words, just enough to keep a nearly frozen contact from going off the map. Both of them too hurt and too fearful, to make bold moves towards the other, and with only a proverbial fence to sit on. Indecision was marking both their lives at the moment, each buried under their own heavy baggage. But a fence can only withstand so much.

“Good morning, early bird!” “Hey Addie, morning” “You look like you have a lot on your mind” Addison continued as she set her cup of steaming coffee and sat next to Amelia on the outdoor couch. “I was just enjoying your amazing patio, which I’ve missed terribly, much like I’ve missed you”, she smiled softly. “Thank you so much for having me here Addie” “You know you’ll always be my sister. And I will always be there for you. If you let me, that is.” Addison finished, sensing something was wrong in Amelia’s world, and hoping it would encourage her to open up. Amelia looked down towards the ever diminishing black liquid in her cup, smiling. “Derek would be happy to know we’re so close” Amelia shifted her gaze into the distance. “He would”, Addison added with a tinge of sadness in her voice. Realizing there was nothing else to add to make Amelia feel better, Addison scooted over and put her arms around Amelia, cradling her to her chest and stroking her hair. “I miss him” Amelia tried to control her misty eyes. “I wish I hadn’t been such an idiot my whole life, and I had spent more time with him, instead of driving him away with my craziness. Why do I have to screw up everybody’s lives including my own” she said between quiet sobs, muffled by Addison’s knit sweater. “Shhh … ” all Addison could do was try to soothe her. “You’ve been through more than anyone else I know, Amelia, you’re strong.  And you’re not alone, you know that very well. Now you have to choose to have a happy life”.

Later on, as they were getting ready to receive the guests for Ella’s party, Addison mentioned she had invited James too, and Amelia reassured her it’s totally fine. But Addison warned her they need to talk about her love life sooner or later, because if she was anything but her sister, she needed to know everything, and she knew something was amiss in that department. Amelia let out a laughter, and vowed to comply.

The party lights from the house were throwing vivacious lines across the sand. The neighbors had long joined the party, having realized they would be easily defeated in trying to get some sleep. Guests were now spilling onto the patio, along with the tunes of the music, and the rest had flooded every corner of the Montgomery household. Inside, everybody was laughing, smiling and embracing one another, coming together around drinks, and food, enjoying the conversation. She was lost in thoughts about her own family back in New York: her mother, sisters. She missed them. Here she was among people who truly loved her, and yet she missed having this with her own family. It was difficult to figure how and if they could have this again. But a thought crept in her head, while she admired Addison, Jake and Ella huddled together for a family photo: could she have her own family? Was this an impulse feeling or something she was starting to really want for herself?

Later on, she bumped into James and the gleeful atmosphere surrounding them helped them talk things out and heal their wounds. Amelia genuinely apologized to James, and confessed she missed out on a great guy whom she loved, but she was too blinded by her insecurities and fears to see it. She went on to tell James, everything about her convoluted painful existence, since the moment her father got shot while she hid with her older brother in the back of their store, until the moment she fled L.A. for Seattle, leaving James behind. “You’ve been through more than most people Amelia, and I’m so sorry all of this happened to you. Nobody deserves this.” James sighed, and starred into his drink. “But the thing I’m most sorry about is that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me all of this, I could have been there for you, I would have figured out a way to keep you in our relationship. Instead, you left me in the blind. Now I get it all, but it’s too late for us” “I’m sorry James, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” “Promise me something, though” Amelia looked up at him in surprise. “The next good guy you’ll date, Amelia, let him in. Really let him in”

All she could is nod softly, and force a smile. His words went straight into her heart and opened her eyes. Their conversation only confirmed to her, what a fantastic guy she willingly let go. James went on to tell her he’s been dating someone for a while, and it’s quite serious. Amelia was thrilled to hear, and told him about Owen. Just as she was telling him Owen is in Zurich right now, Charlotte, not having any clue about Amelia and Owen’s relationship, broke into the conversation:

“Dr. Hunt is in Zurich? Really? Is this because his wife is the new Surgical Head of hospital? Do you think he’s got plans to transfer over there too?” Addison witnessed the exchange also by chance, and noticed Amelia’s face drain and turn pale and the sound of this revelation. She could see the pain invading Amelia’s eyes, and tried to downplay what Charlotte had unwittingly set fire to. “Actually his ex-wife. They got divorced not long ago, right Amelia?” Addison chimed in.

“Yes . . . that’s right” Amelia stuttered, still finding it hard to comprehend, or digest the prospect that Owen might be in Zurich because of Cristina, or for Cristina. James excused himself, and left to find his girlfriend in the crowd, while Charlotte and Addison were left to pick up the pieces of a clearly broken Amelia, as well as pry into what exactly was going on between Owen and her.

“You still make some badass coffee Cristina” “Ha! Did you ever doubt that?” she questioned him, half-serious, half-joking. “Never” Owen added with a soft smile etched on his face. “Alright, I need to get going and head into work” “Sure thing. Let me know if you need anything” “It’s going be a mad day, we’ve got the new batch of brainless interns coming in today. All I’m going to need is a coffee IV” “I could arrange that” “What are you up to today?” “Not much, just taking it as it comes” “That’s good. Well, catch you later then” Owen stared at her get ready for work, perched up on the kitchen counter. Her swift agile moves, picking up her work bag, changing her tops in front of him, but facing away. How many hundreds of times didn’t he witness the exact same thing while they were married, and was there anything truly different this time? Has anything really changed between? Why did they get a divorce anyway? His cheating, their different ambitions in life. Who knew. What he knew was he loved this feeling that washed over him, as he watched Cristina get ready for work.  He was lost deep in his thoughts, as he contemplated what they had, and he didn’t notice Cristina stare right back at him, before she left. His eyes looking right through her, as if through a ghost. And her looking at him sitting at her kitchen island, a piece of her Seattle past, finding its way to her new life, clinging to it.

A knock on her office door, got her to lift her mind from the papers, not before cursing whoever let this person get to her door in the first place. “Hey” Owen stuck his head through the door. “Busy?” “Uhm no, never! What do you think?!” He took this as Cristina’s way of saying come in. And he laughed, while placing a Grande on her desk. “Thought I could whisk you away for a lunch. What do you say? Can I beat the interns?” She thought for a good couple of moments before replying, while reclining back in her chair. She knew that she had to be the stronger one this time as well. “Any day, you know that” She smiled at him. “Geez it’s always freezing here!” He exclaimed as the doors of the hospital closed behind them. “I know! It fits me so well doesn’t it?! Oh and did I mention the gray, dull weather non-stop?” They both laughed as they headed in search of a restaurant. Quaint, expensive little stores selling all kinds of things rolled passed them, and then followed homes lining up the street with no curtains, offering a generous look inside the lives of others. Soon enough they passed a rowdy park with children whose squeal echoed far and wide. They soon reached the restaurant, and their table was tucked away in a quiet little corner, right next to a window. Meanwhile it started snowing, and the white cover quickly settled over the warm ground they had just walked on. “Owen” She started “Don’t say anything, I’m so sorry, I . . .” “You don’t need to say anything, it’s . . .” “Confusing, isn’t it? I don’t know Cristina, I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know me anymore. But I know you. I know you so well.” He emphasized this last part with so much emotion stemming out of him. “We know each other too well Owen.” She reached out across the table for his hands. “That’s how we eventually realized we weren’t going to maintain this relationship forever. We married early, on the spur of an amazing, great love, the kind others only dream of. And we learned about each other along the way of our marriage. And here’s what I know about you: you would be the best father a child could wish for, Owen. A child out there deserves your love, and you have to offer it. You’re breaking at the seams in search of this love to offer, a child to protect and raise. You deserve this Owen. And this is not who I am. It doesn’t mean we will ever stop loving each other. But you need to go back to Amelia, because she loves you, and you love her too. And you need to make a new family with her, and let her give you this child. There’s another great, amazing love waiting to form Owen, just allow it.” He was left speechless, but not without reaction. He raised Cristina’s small hands to his mouth and kissed them, dwelling on it for several good moments. “I will always love you” the words found their way out of his warm mouth. “And I will always love you” He got up from the table not letting go of her right hand, and stared at her one last time. His ex-wife, had just become his real ex-wife. As he got out of the restaurant, he took a deep breath and released it into the cold Swiss air, the ghost of their former marriage being released along with it.

The Montgomery household was about to let itself embraced by the darkness of the night. Just another regular day was coming to an end. Amelia had just finished reading a bed time story to Ella, while Jake and Addison were still downstairs having a drink, on the backdrop of slow jazz beats, and a solitary group of candles filling up the other end of the kitchen island. “Ok guys, she’s down” “Thank you so much” Addison and Jake whispered as Amelia brought them the good news. “I’m going to head over to the hospital early tomorrow, I have a few patients to check on, so I will make it an early night” Jake told them, as he got up from the table, only to leave Amelia hop onto his place, with a bottle of Coke she just ripped from the fridge, in typical, careless Amelia style. Addison sat at the kitchen counter, with her cheek rested against the fist of her hand, admiring Amelia. “You know what, you’ve changed so much since you’ve first came down here. Do you remember that night? Because boy, I remember it. You were fiery and bold, and nothing, nobody could stand in front of you. It was you against the world. And you still have all of that, but there’s a new thing to you: this look in your eyes every time when I see you with Ella. And I think it’s the same with Mer’s kids. You adore them to an extreme that only tells me . . . you’re ready to have a family of your own Amelia. But meanwhile, I’m so glad Ella’s badass aunt is here with us again” Addison told her with so much care and love in her eyes, that Amelia’s heart nearly turned liquid and formed a thin layer over her blue eyes. Addison knew it, she saw it before Amelia could even let this thought crawl up from her subconscious, she thought to herself.

Just before Amelia could reply, there was a knock on the door. “I’ll get it” Addison sauntered from the kitchen island down the small flight of stairs which placed it a little higher than the living room, and the hallway.

Moments later, Addison’s face re-emerged again, and it practically lit up the kitchen, which was hardly being serviced by nearly melted candles.

“There’s someone here for you” and with that Addison slowly dissolved out, only to let a very real Owen emerge strong and ready to rupture from the anticipation build-up to this moment.

She was shocked to see him, but it wasn’t long before the shock made way for a big grin on Amelia’s face, and she practically leaped forward into Owen’s arms. He held onto her for dear life, cradling her into his arms, her small fragile frame nearly blending into him entirely. He could feel her warm breath breaking the boundary of his shirt and into his skin, the heat radiating throughout his body. When she finally broke out of his embrace, looking up at him with those eyes full of hope but also unanswered questions, all Owen could do was move this palms to cup her face. “It took me so long, but I’m here now” “I’ve missed you so much. Where have been? What have you been doing? You went off the map for while.” The words broke the bond they shared just moments earlier, and made way for something more perilous now. “I’ve been trying to close loose ends. In Zürich” “With Cristina” she added, knowingly and with a decent amount of accusation coloring her tone. “Yes . . . she was a big part of my life, and I needed to truly end that for myself. She was also someone I . . .” he choked on his words and struggled to find them, while his eyes darted in an irritated fashion across the room. “The first time I relapsed from PTSD, I nearly choked Cristina to death in our bed. We weren’t married back then” “I see. Well, if anything now’s the time to ditch you, since it seems you tend to do that to women” Amelia added in a jokingly light tone, which made both of them laugh. “She needed to be part of that closure, Amelia. And she helped me see you and I, in a way I couldn’t see us, by myself” “She gave you her blessing” He nodded in agreement. “Nothing happened between the two of us . . . in that way” Owen made a step forward and closed the gap between them, and softly enveloped her hand around his. “I want you to give me another chance, to give us another chance. Not just for a relationship restart, but for something more. A family.” “Owen…” “I know you’re going to need time to think this over, and I’m ready to give it to you. All I ask is that you let me in this time, Amelia. Be in this the whole way, and I will show you the kind of life you can have with me” “Before you interrupted me, I was going to say . . . yes, Owen, I want this. I want us to have a family together, and I’m ready to stick with you, with us”

The candles were going out one by one now, each defeated by the avalanche of darkness taking over, but the jazz kept quietly on, and melodic piano punctured by grave trombone filled up the silence between them. His hands at first shy and hesitant got magnetized onto her thighs, and her lips followed the feeble candlelight to guide themselves through the dark. Soft and much anticipated as it was, it couldn’t really satisfy either of them. So before she knew it, one of his hands tentatively went around her waist to her back, only to gently grab hold of her left buttock and push her closer into him, while the other one skillfully slid her already low-cut jeans down and past her knees. In one swift move, he pressed her against the edge of the kitchen bar stool, just enough to allow him to slide off the rest of her precarious clothing, and make her squirm as his fingers invaded all too many areas of her lower half.

The next morning found them both in Amelia’s bed, enjoying the intrusion of bright sunlight into their room. After all, they were going to miss this in Seattle. “I can see why you found a home in California” he observed, obviously hinting at the generous amount of sun and happiness. “I did, and I still do. Addison, Jake and Ella are my family, the same Meredith and the kids are my family.” “Sounds like it’s time for you to get a family of your own. Where do you want to settle down?” She was surprised for a split second, but it didn’t take long before she replied confidently: “In a place, we can make our own”

[acrossbeyond]

Warfare mind - Chapter 6 - A family affair

Owen turns dark and twisty. Will Amelia handle it, without going dark and twisty herself? Post 12x06 Previous chapters: Chapter 1 |  Chapter 2   |  Chapter 3  |  Chapter 4  | Chapter 5

The door of the waiting room cracked open and Addison's head bobbed up. Her body was contorted, she was bent over, holding her head in the hands. Streams of mascara mixed with warm tears left crevices on her face, in search of something bigger to spill themselves into. She stared at the door, while Jake jumped out of his chair.

An image of a dishevelled Amelia appeared, unable to speak, with a frozen half-cry, half-smile on her face. Her body was limp, her face livid, and her rubber-legs barely taking note of the commands her tired brain gave them. Never the one for a joker face, she was always honest, for good or bad. With her last forces, she plunged forward and kneelled in front of Addison placing her genius, neuro-God hands on Addison's cheeks, cupping her face. Being each other's sister, a role they played all too often in the past. Getting closer, then distancing themselves one from the other, never constant. And never because of Addison, always Amelia. Her, never able to keep her emotions in check, always in need of a roller-coaster lifestyle, much like drugs offered her the ride of her lifetime.

"I got it all out…" chocking on her words "Addison, she's in ICU" And after getting this heavy weight off her chest, Amelia broke down in tears.

And all Addison could do, was mirror that, cup Amelia's face, kiss her forehead, and cradle her head in her neck, and mumble infinite "thank yous". Later on, looking back on those moments from a distance, Addison realized how much unfair pressure she put Amelia under, and regretted it. But Amelia could cry it all out now, in the comfort of Addison's familiar scent. She felt safe and loved once again, and back to being part of her family. The fear of operating on Ella, was actually all about her family: the people who held her closest and loved her most, when she was at her worst. Amelia wasn't afraid to lose just Ella, but she was afraid of losing that family: Addison, Jake, Charlotte, Sheldon. All of them. She was unsure they would still accept her, if she didn't manage to save Ella's life. She was afraid they would blame her for Ella's death. It all reminded her of Derek. Her amazing brother, and how much she missed him. Derek was a family man. Both for Addison, and for Meredith. He was constant and loving, something which Amelia never was. She relished in the "too much attention" she got from her family after her father died, but not the kind of attention she needed. Confused and frustrated, wanting something, and getting something back she thought wasn't what she wanted, and rejecting it, hurting people along the way. A vicious circle that in time, defined who see was: Hurricane Amelia. Ready to take its prisoners and casualty, in a revenge whose purpose she didn't know either: for something that would bring her father back from the death? For her family being broken apart forever? For not being acknowledged as an adult, but instead a perpetual little girl who got traumatized by seeing her father die? Nobody would ever really know for sure, because what Amelia was, was a baggage of issues collected in time. Stuff filled the baggage, melting into one another, bright and dark patches, leaving no one able to figure out what lay there originally. Hardly anyone dared to help her sort it out, with isolated exceptions such as Addison, Charlotte or Sheldon. Somehow distant enough but close enough, the perfect combination. These people weren't officially her family, which made her accept their love more easily, knowing that if something would go amiss, she could always bail.

But in those moments of ordeal followed by relief, Amelia, still sobbing slowly into Addison's neck, and now perched up on her lap with her arms tightly wrapped around Addion, realized how important her family was to her. How irreplaceable, and how much love stemmed from it. Love that meant everything to her. Why was she always rejecting it whenever the prospect of having a family of her own approached her? Because it was marvellous and she really needed it. Her entire life, she found herself unable to cope with the thought of losing her family again, so it became apparent early on, that she needed to avoid having a family altogether. Being miserable without a family, was something she'd willingly chosen her entire life. And she was comfortable with it. Until love approached again, and instigated in her the craving of love and closeness. And again, she'd end up concluding the same thing: rather than loving steadily for who knows how long, only to have it all ripped away, she'd rather be alone. It was only with Ryan that things were different, because the drugs clouded this deeply seated story she would always tell herself. Until Ryan died too, and reinforced the story even more.

This time was different though. It was all her on shoulders. There was no Derek anymore to save her L.A. family. An unconventional family, which appeared slowly into view, one she didn't choose: an amalgamation of people who genuinely loved her and whom she had spent sad, desperate, happy, funny moments with: Charlotte, Addison, Jake, Sheldon. This family she didn't choose to have, but they just unintentionally crept in on her without alerting her defence system. Until it dawned on her one day, that she was part of a family, and it was too late to untangle herself from it. She wasn't the little girl whose father died, to these people, she was a neuro-God now, and there were people she loved counting on her maturity and ability to not crack under pressure. She could have run, but she stayed and endured the fear and the prospect of not being able to save Ella, but also relished in the love that eventually poured in on her afterwards. Amelia was becoming ready to accept the idea of allowing herself to commit, to have a family, no matter how fragile this concept would be. To stick through thick and thin. It was not just a way to honor Derek's memory and redeem herself for the countless times she drove him mad, with her emotional instability and stubbornness. To somehow show him she was finally ready to grow up and own up. But it was something she felt she finally wanted: to love and to be loved, no matter how ephemeral it might be, it was worth it. And there was something else she had learned through everything that happened to her: she was strong enough to survive unthinkable levels of pain and despair.

During this entire time, none of them noticed James, standing eerily in the background. He'd joined Amelia as soon as he noticed her walk to the waiting room to give Addison and Jake the news.

Jake shifted joyfully to give him a hug and thank him too for saving Ella's life.

"It was all Amelia, really, she was amazing." He said, gazing at her cradled in Addison's arms, his thoughts far away, maybe at how their wedding would have been like.

He quietly slipped out of the room, and after a while so did Amelia. She directed her worn out body to the nearest on call room to sleep it off. When she opened the door, there was James yet again.

"Oh sorry, I didn't realize you were here."

"All the other rooms are taken. If you want to sleep, have the top bunk."

"Lucky me." She mumbled while climbing.

He knew she hated the top bunk. He knew everything about her. And he couldn't understand still why they weren't together anymore. After Amelia settled into the top bunk, he couldn't help himself anymore and burdened by the eventful day that was about to close, he blurted out:

"Amelia, why did you leave me?" Why did you leave our engagement? Our plans to make a family? What changed?"

"James . . . "Silence settled over the room, with only their heavy breaths audible. "Nothing changed. We were … perfect and I chose not to see it. I wanted it, a family with you, until the reality of it scared me to death. The domestic life, the predictability, but most of all, fully committing to somebody like that, with no way out. I wish I were wiser back then, and had done it all in a better way. James, never doubt my love for you. The truth is, you're amazing James, and I missed out on you, I was stupid and I couldn't see it."

James shifted in the bed, heavy with thoughts and regrets. "Amelia … we're not a thing anymore, but we nearly got married. And… you may not be my wife but I feel we owe each other at least respect." His words stabbed her, because he was right, and she had to live with it. She had to live with existing next to him, and being reminded of how horrible she was to him, and how amazing and loving of guy she missed out on. Running away from James, and breaking up their engagement in the most immature, despicable way possible. Running away from a man who was ready to commit his life and love to her. And here he was, wanting closure. She never really thought about why she ran away from James, or for that matter, made peace with what she did to him. But Amelia was slowly starting to realize that you really can't run away forever, and things you run away from, have a way of finding you out sooner or later.

It was a freezing day in Switzerland much like any other day in winter there. Owen packed for this trip properly, but he was still taken aback by just how cold it was. He was settling in nicely and was enjoying having this mind occupied by touristy sight-seeing and great food, all entertained by Cristina. When she picked him at the airport, it was like nothing ever happened between the two of them. Two peas in a pod. They were both beyond thrilled to see each other. Cristina, who was as ever buried in work - great, amazing, prize-winning work – took a vacation for the first time ever in her life to spend with Owen. In part because she realized him coming over to visit meant something was wrong, and Meredith confirmed it all. But in part because she missed him.

"God, I love the fresh air here. Clears the mind" Owen gleefully remarked while they went on an afternoon walk at the foot of the Swiss hills surrounding Zurich.

"I liked it too at first, then I got used to it!"

They both laughed out loud, being reminded of Cristina's ruthless sarcasm.

"You'be been grilling me about all kinds of things since you've been here Owen, but you haven't told me much about yourself"

He sighed heavily and knew she was entitled to ask. He pointed to a bench overlooking the frozen sunset which was upon them.

"Why don't we go sit over there?"

He rubbed his hands together as they both sat down gazing ahead of them. Cristina looked at him intently, with a tinge of worry. She was the one to initiate the breakup, but she never put Owen behind her. She often talked to Meredith about him, but never to him. She felt it was out of place to maintain close contact, after their friendly but painful breakup.

"After you left, I went to Iraq a couple of times. With April, I needed to deal with the pain somehow. She lost her baby, and she was just as desperate as I was."

She knew he was going to take their breakup hard, but to hear it from him in this way, made it all the more real. It wasn't easy on her either, but she was able to cope better.

"After I came back, I got into a relationship. It was nothing like what you and I had, it was different. And it was complicated from the start, we both are complicated."

Cristina knew who he was referring to, Meredith having dished all kinds of gossip in the last year.

"There were moments I thought our relationship doesn't stand a chance, moments I thought we might pull through. Times she drove me insane, times I looked at her while she was sleeping, and knew she was meant for me. Things had just gotten better, when . . . my PTSD relapsed." Owen was beating himself up, all over again, upon hearing himself tell all of this, making the pain surface and spill into his mind.

She put her left hand on his shoulder and her right cupped his cheek, turning his face to hers. Encouraged by the sorrow that mirrored his own in her eyes, Owen continued.

"I choked her, just like I did with you. All over again" He nodded, pulling away from her hands and nodding disapprovingly with his eyes fixed on the ground. "And if it hadn't been for Meredith who got home right in those moments . . . who knows Cristina"

His demons got the better of him again, but not of her. She took his head, pulled it towards her and rested it on her chest while stroking his cheek. The silence fell between them for a few moments. Owen would be later grateful for that, and the conversation that followed between them. Who would understand this better than his former wife, who had gone through the same ordeal with him, and despite it all, was just as accepting as she ever was. And Owen knew somewhere deep inside he was lucky enough, to know and love not just one, but two women who were able to forgive him and love him anyway. The realization just hadn't made it to the surface of this consciousness yet. What he did know, was Cristina and the familiar love they shared. And in that moment, all he could do, was give way to his impulses. He pushed himself away from her chest, turned around and kissed Cristina under the veil of a freezing Swiss twilight. Steam from their hot breaths, drifted towards the sky. It was long and lustful, full of memories to rekindle, and demons to slay. It was familiar and comfortable, it was family for both Owen and Cristina. They formed a family, way back when.

[acrossbeyond]

Something about this album cover that reminds me of early 90s American TV series #goldenera Always by Tor Miller

[acrossbeyond]

Warfare mind - Chapter 5 - Rooms of pleasure, rooms of pain

Owen turns dark and twisty. Will Amelia handle it, without going dark and twisty herself? Post 12x06 Previous chapters: Chapter 1 |  Chapter 2   |  Chapter 3  |  Chapter 4

They didn’t need to feign surprise. They both knew of each other’s imminent bump in, any moment now. But their hearts both skipped a beat at the sight of one another.

“I heard you came back, for Ella’s case. Addison mentioned it” “I did, as soon as I heard” She sighed heavily, and averted her face, now scrunched up into an almost-cry to a corner of the room, pulling her hand to her mouth. “I’m so sorry” she tried to mumble between sobs. He didn’t move much from the doorway, except to shut the door and the annoying light that kept barging into their little run-in. They didn’t need it. They knew each other inside out. Heck, they nearly got married once, not so long ago. “Ella didn’t deserve this, and neither does Addison … Why do horrible things happen ?”

“Sometimes amazing things happen, and we’re too blind or foolish to accept and let them into our lives. Life is not all darkness and gloom.” He couldn’t avoid a reference to the obvious event that has been eating him inside for months.

She gained some composure and wiped her nose from the sobs, to prepare for a response that James deserved, but never received, and one that he knew he wasn’t going to receive in this moment.

“James, you have every right to hate my guts, for the rest of what remains of our lives, and I deserve everything drop of your hatred”

He stared into the semi-darkness, but couldn’t reply. “I’m assigned to Ella’s case. In case Addison didn’t tell you yet, I’ve been her main doctor for the past several months, and just recently we’ve transferred to Dr. Watson, our new neuro guy. What ideas do you have ?”

She sighed again, but only softly. Any which way James decided to treat her, was justified, and she was going to take it, no matter how hard. She wished she didn’t have to, because she needed his support now more than ever – AGAIN – but she got herself into this, and she knew it well enough.

“I’m thinking of a direct anterior approach, through the main vessel, given the age, and freezing her to decrease chances of any damage, while …”

James wasn’t listening, he was imagining her body, how it had changed during this past year, following their break-up, her features, her aging. This woman he thought was the love of his life, and how much she was capable of hurting him. So much so, that he couldn’t find anybody else worthy of being allowed in again, not in a meaningful way. He still hated her guts. For it everything, the false hopes, the false love, obviously. And he hated himself for loving her. And he was going to show it to her. Boy, was he going to show it to her …

“What do you think?” “You’re the surgeon on the case, whatever you think works. It is Addison’s child after all, and I’m sure you are well aware” He was employing the ignore tactic now. He didn’t know why though.

His words stabbed her deeply, the flesh already hit so many times lately. Could it take another big blow ? This one was no regular blow however, it was a thunder reaching sharp and quick, splintering the flesh in half, leaving behind a gash that would grow deeper, reach the bone and seep out blood and puss for a while now. And Amelia had to live with it. She had to survive it. No drugs now to numb the pain.

James turned around and started to walk out.

“James, this won’t fix anything at all, at all, but I am truly sorry for what I’ve done to you. I wish I wasn’t such an idiot and a horrible person”

It didn’t stop him from opening the door and slamming it hard behind him.

Amelia tried hard to go to sleep. The next day she would need to prepare the surgery with Dr. Watson, and walk the team through the procedure she was going to perform. Not before glancing at her phone again, checking for any messages from Owen.

“Dr. Watson! Very nice to meet you!” Amelia greeted her fellow miracle-maker. “I heard some amazing things about you, Dr. Shepherd, and I couldn’t be happier to be working on this with you, especially since it’s a case so close to our home” He threaded, glancing nervously towards Dr. King, as if for some reassurance that whatever Amelia was going to attempt, it had to be damn good.

“She is the amazing Dr. Shepherd indeed” Charlotte nodded looking down at Amelia with a smile large as Alabama and a sense of pride, that only a person who was by Amelia’s side at her worst moments, could have. “Let’s brief the team then” and Amelia together with Charlotte led the way to the meeting room, filled with eyes ready to lock the target on her. One pair of eyes was familiar, and that was James, who as one of Ella’s previous doctors, was attending as well.

“Happy to have you on the team folks. Let me walk you through what we’re going to be doing tomorrow” After a couple of muffled “wows” and “ahhhs”, the group of nurses, residents, and assistants on Ella’s case listened carefully as Dr. Shepherd wrapped up her presentation. “And that will give us a stable patient, tumor free, very likely for the rest of her life. Now, I’m looking forward to working with you all tomorrow as Dr. Watson and I will be working to deliver this miracle, together with your support. Now I have some preparatory tasks for a couple of you, so if I could ask Dr. Watson, Dr. Peterson, Dr. Sheffield …”

After the easy things were taken care of, Amelia now needed to actually field the hard part of the day: talking to the family. But, unlike previous times, she knew she needed a strong ally.

“Hi, Ella-bug! Look who’s here” Amelia greeted her little patient. “Aunt Amy!” the child nearly leaped from her bed with enthusiasm. Ella didn’t have much chance to bond with Amelia, because she hadn’t really visited lately, but she was still an important part of her life and her parents’ life.

“Ella, how are you feeling today?” “Happy to see you! How come you came ? Is it because … I’m really sick ?” Amelia’s face saddened at Ella’s words, but still, she pushed on. “Actually Ella-bug, I am here to bring you something.” And Amelia pulled the present from Zola out of a plastic bag. “This is from Zola; now you don’t know Zola, but Zola is a little girl about your age, who I know you’ll meet one day soon. Zola was really sad to hear you’re sick and she wanted you to have this to cheer you up.” “Mommy, look at this! It’s so cute, thank you aunt Amy!” Addison smiled, as she towered between Charlotte and Jake. “And I brought some good news Ella: I’ll be performing the surgery tomorrow, to get you rid of the big bad boo-boo.” “You will? Did you hear that mommy? Aunt Amy will do the surgery!” she squealed. “What a lucky little girl you are Miss Ella” Charlotte chipped in to boost the good mood going around because she knew pretty soon, Addison would be shredding it all into pieces.

“How do you feel about the surgery sweetheart?” “Now that I know you’re doing it, I’m not scared anymore!!” Amelia smiled as she caressed the child’s forehead, and leaned in to plant a kiss on her. She was reasonably pleased with the state of her patient, and now it was time to move on less easy-to-please individuals.

In a separate room, Amelia pulled up the scans, and videos to show the parents and Charlotte how she was going to approach the surgery.

“Amelia, this is highly experimental” Jake interjected half-way through, with doubt weighing his entire mimic down to his shoulders and his stance. But it didn’t deter Amelia one bit, who continued: “It’s the best chance and I can give her, and I am the most qualified surgeon to attempt this to save her life”

Addison was eerily quiet, and that disturbed Amelia more than the wave of questions that Jake had to fire at her. But together with her trusted ally Charlotte, all the questions were fielded and put into perspective such that Jake came around. “What do you think honey?” Silence filled the room, and Addison, for once had no reaction. Just sadness in her eyes. The fight had worn her down, leaving the way for something worse. They all stared at her expectantly, waiting, and hoping none of them will need to ask her if she’s ok. Because that would have been the dumbest question of all. For their sake, a crackling voice emerged:

“Amelia, I called you here because I know you’re the best I could offer my child. But I swear to God Amelia, you better rise to the expectation and save Ella’s life” she barely finished, sobbing hard now, and nearly inaudibly continued “because you’re the only hope we have!!!”.

Jake cradled Addison into her arms, and Charlotte assured them both that Amelia will be doing her best. “Otherwise she knows I’ll be the first in line to kick her butt from here all the way to Alabama like she ain’t seen before”

Amelia would have chuckled in better times, but all she did was thanked herself in her mind, for being wise enough to have the courage and ask Charlotte for help and support in this difficult time.

She exited the room and tried to make small talk to Charlotte about dinner plans at the Friedman house later that night. She was excited to see the little girls who were all grown up and “misbehavin’” according to their mother, but Amelia couldn’t hide her tears. And the next thing she knew Charlotte pulled her into a nearby supply closet room, where she gave Amelia a Southern hug, cupping her cheeks in her hands and wiping her tears away. “Sweetheart, what you are doing is so immensely difficult and brave, and I am so proud you have the strength to do it and the strength to ask me to be there for you”. Amelia smiled and nodded shortly after cradling her head into Charlotte’s shoulder. Once they regained some composure they got out only to run right into her ex-fiance.

“Dr. Shepherd” James interrupted them. “May I have a word?” Charlotte retired to allow them privacy and reminded Amelia they’ll be waiting for her at 7 sharp for an all-southern meal.

“There’s concern I have with the procedure tomorrow, especially the freezing. According to research I made, the freezing would negatively impact the post-op recovery and also may produce certain organ failure during the procedure”

“You’re not trusting my assessment and my surgery, even though earlier this morning when I asked you, you said…” He cut her off mid-sentence: “It’s very risky, yes, and I would hate to go in there, only to back down half-way through” “There’s no way for us to know what will happen tomorrow” “I’d rather not wait and see. I’d rather go down the route of a more risk-averse procedure.” “A less risky procedure wouldn’t offer the results this procedure would, and the long-term benefits this procedure would” “It’s Addison’s child!” he silently screamed at her, but not to get revenge, just because he was the caring, loving, concerned guy he always had been. “I know whose child it is ! And that is why I’m doing this because it’s the best damn shot she’s got a normal life!” “What do you know about a normal life ? For all it’s worth, if it doesn’t go according to plan, you’ll just up and leave! You never think of the aftermath, do you? Or the consequences?!” Amelia slapped him, stopping him from continuing this tireless tirade he was embarking on. If there’s one thing she has learned in rehab, is, she may be making mistakes, but she doesn’t need to accept unjust accusations. To claim, she didn’t weigh the aspect of who Ella was enough, was ridiculous. There was almost nobody else Amelia loved more than Addison, or owed more to, than to Addison.

James stormed off, and Amelia was left to pick the pieces of herself that had just been demolished after this fresh exchange. She regretted losing it for a moment, she knew James would be upset and would vent his madness in all possible ways. She should have kept her cool. Then again, she’s not very good at that.

The dreadful day arrived and after witnessing a tearful goodbye between Jake, Addison, and Ella, from the comfort of sitting behind the glass window, Amelia dragged her feet to OR, waiting for Dr. Watson to join her in the scrubbing room. She wishes so bad she didn’t need to be in this position. It was draining her of any energy she had, digging at her emotions. And having James there with his wrath, which was justified, was no help. The only help she had was from Charlotte. And unlike past times, she made very sure she went to Charlotte for help and talking every time even the weirdest thought crept into her mind. She was learning from her painful mistakes in the past. And she was getting a whole new understanding of why doctors shouldn’t operate on their own families. Her thoughts drifted to Meredith, and how Meredith was right. No matter what, Addison loved her and would always love her regardless of how this surgery would go. She is the best damn doctor around, but not God and Addison knows that. More importantly, she herself needed to tell herself that and believe that. Any mistake is not because she’s a bad person. Her gaze lifted from the sink to the OR room, steadying herself with her arms stretched out. The window was the only thing dividing her from one of the hardest days of her life. But also possibly her best. The chance to save a loved one’s life. And after all, that is why she became a doctor. The signature Shepherd smile etched her face, bringing with it a familiar view. Derek standing there, right on the other side of the glass. Tall and handsome and smiling, but with his arms crossed looking at her. He half-turned around to gaze at Ella, but then back at Amelia, asking her “You’re going to save this kid’s life today, aren’t you? Because it’s all in your hands now Amy. You are the new God of neuro”.

He was right, there was nobody to hide behind now. There was only her, and she was going to step up to the plate, she needed to now become the person she most admired in her life. To fill that gap the best way she can. To become Derek, for her own sake, now that she didn’t have him to lean on. To become Derek for the kids, and for Meredith, and for Derek’s former wife. There was no more running. Too many people depended on her now.

“Amelia” Charlotte burst in, out of breath, which made Amelia jerk and nearly hit her hands on the edge of the sink. “Dr. Watson can’t make it for today’s surgery, he’s been in a car accident!” Charlotte’s eyes were about to pop out, with concern about the surgery and whether it could still be performed or not.

“Who else can do this?” Just like the calm water of a lake receiving a stone throw into its depths, so did she absorb the shock of the news, with just a flinch, subsiding with every split second that passed, ultimately dissolving, only to return to a flat, serene, mirror -like surface. “The back-up neurosurgeon is on leave”

“This leaves us with… a resident, Dr. Peterson or Dr. Sheffield.” Charlotte hesitantly continued. Without freaking out as would have been expected Amelia firmly assessed the situation. “Sheffield is peds, he won’t be helping me much. I need somebody who can keep their cool” “Then it’s James.” After a short pause, and a glance that spoke volumes about both of their concern with regards to the history between James and her, and how that might interfere with the surgery Charlotte made the call. This was her hospital after all. “I will call James, and give him the low-down, on the only thing that should be going on between the two of you down there. Which is how to perfectly communicate to save Ella’s life.”

Amelia smiled gracefully and got back to her scrubbing sighing with relief.

“It’s a beautiful day to save lives, folks” and with that Amelia started to make the first incision on Ella’s brain.

The waiting room was sordid, Spartan and joyless. And it was so familiar to both Addison and Jake, but not in this way. Not with their flesh pressed against those chairs, and their eyes darting from one wall to another, round and then back to fixating a blank space between the tip of the shoe and the tiles surrounding it. It all but looked like a jail. A prison, holding hope in chains, while despair and nightmares were gleefully running about, circling and teasing it hard. This is how one could describe the torment in Addison’s, or any mother’s, soul in those moments. The cold merciless force of the universe was pressing down on Addison, whose strength and sense of self were dissolving as rapidly as her rationality. The cold tiles made for an unwelcoming landing, as she slid off her chair breaking down in sobs. But Jake’s arms were there, strong and steady around her, not allowing her to be swallowed by the misery clawing at their lives.

“James, I need you to move one inch to the left with the clamp” “Sure thing” “How is the freezing holding up ? What’s the temp?” “It’s all looking good, just under 10 degrees still” “Looks like we’re on a good track, let’s make sure we keep it this way”

James was silent. He conflicted about what he should think right now. He was wary of the procedure, but it seemed Amelia was doing fine so far, so he could choose to be hopeful. Which he tried, despite him being so mad at her. Mad about her recklessness. He couldn’t deal with that, couldn’t understand where that was coming from, why couldn’t she think of others too, not just herself. Why couldn’t she see that her recklessness and instability was hurting others? Was hurting him.

Loud beeps filled the room, and Ella’s state had deteriorated all of sudden. Amelia was startled. “What on earth is this??” She yelled as she quickly spun around looking for the source of the beeps. “It’s the BP dropping. There must a bleed somewhere” “Where?! It can’t be the brain” She entered info full panic mode “It’s not the brain. The freezing could have easily affected other organs, and we need to open her up” “Damn it, damn it” “I got this, you could work on the brain and I will get a hold of the bleed. Alright folks, start pushing 4 of epi. “ “It’s all good now Ella, we’ve got this, it’s all good, you just stay here sweetheart … There we go, good girl” Amelia cooed to the head of her precious little patient, as it was now all in James hands.

The beeps had considerably subsided, but half an hour had passed. “Dr. Peterson say something, what is going on!? Amelia had been getting more and more anxious as time passed by, and as she felt less and less in control. The fear of losing Ella was clawing its way into her vulnerable body and mind, engulfing slowly the glow that Derek’s apparition had brought her.

“The BP is still high but more manageable. Get me a new x-ray of her chest now.” James kept his eyes peeled to the monitor to spot the second bleed. The first one he identified fast, but the second one wasn’t as easy to find. And it seemed it was taking ages.

“James, please say something, say you found the bleed.” No response came back. She glanced to the gallery where Charlotte had her hands glued to the glass and leaning in, but ready to take on the intercom. A soft murmur could be heard now. Amelia was losing it, softly chanting something inaudible to herself. “Amelia, I know you mean well, and I know this is a desperate situation, but you need to trust me” The words and the calm of his voice reminded her of Derek. This is what Derek would have told her. Her mind had now been directed towards Derek, and the glow started to light up inside of her again, helping her regain her composure. And with that composure, she saw James in a light, that she had seen him in before, during many loving moments they shared. But somehow a light that she couldn’t contain inside of herself, that she couldn’t nurture enough to commit to him. “There we go, the bleed is around the liver, it’s tiny but mighty. Clamp. Now look at how we’re going to quench this little bugger …”

Amelia pushed her body forward, with only the force of her pure will, as for energy, it had dissipated some 14 hours ago, when the surgery started. Her head was spinning, her eyes were stinging her, and she was mildly nauseous. She should take the next step in post-op protocol. But instead, she let herself slide against down against the wall, pulling her scrub cap off as she went. She tried to talk to herself, in order not to fall asleep, but footsteps approached her. James kneeled down, with an armful of Snickers and water, as well as an ice pack. She smiled in return, and boy did she have a smile. But he looked away, soon after he noticed it. "Oh God, I can’t thank you enough“ she slowly tore open the packaging and she started digging in, as he got up, and slowly started walking away. Her gaze was fixed on him walking away, distancing himself through the doors of the hospital. Hallways of life, and doors of choices, decisions. She always seemed to enter the places of pain. By choice or chance?

And yet sometimes, there were places of joy she would enter. And so, and pushed herself up and towards a room which was about to be transformed. Because after all, nothing is ever permanent, but merely in a state of change.

[acrossbeyond]

the world is as good as we make it, with our everyday actions

@acrossbeyond

[acrossbeyond]

Any  psychology book will tell you love is not enough to keep two people together. Because humans are really more complicated than that. There's nothing simple about us, otherwise we would be animals. But it's easier for us to listen to that Beatles song (yeah, you know the one), and comfort ourselves with its naïveté. I love art, but it often disappoints me when it gives young people (especially) the wrong idea about life, by over-simplifying it.

[acrossbeyond]

Warfare mind - Chapter 4 - Sleeping with ghosts

Owen turns dark and twisty. Will Amelia handle it, without going dark and twisty herself? Post 12x06 Previous chapters: Chapter 1 |  Chapter 2   |  Chapter 3

Life went on as it always does. Amelia stayed on top of her sobriety, started work again, and Owen was nowhere in sight. She found out from a text he sent her that he needs to take some time off work, according to his therapist. They communicated mostly through text messages. A call would come through every now and then, from Owen. She didn’t dare to contact him. She made her feelings and intentions clear and she felt it was his turn to clear his. She was giving him space, and she told him that. 

“Amelia, I have an emergency appy, and I will be held back at work, can you take the kids from daycare and go to my office? I shouldn’t be long”. Meredith was calling to ask for her help with the kids. And she was grateful for every moment spent with them, because they were helping her heal. 

“Sure thing Mer”, she replied without a moment’s hesitation. 

She picked up her favorite munchkins and went to play with them in Mer’s office, which was half full of toys nowadays. She settled on the sofa braiding Zola’s hair and listening to her talk about her day, when her phone started ringing. She glanced at the caller ID, not yet certain whether she should pick up, and a smile etched her expression: 

“Addie!” she gleefully greeted Addison’s call, while holding the phone between her cheek and her shoulder, continuing the braiding. 

“Amelia, hi …” she sounded grave, and Amelia noticed right away, but she was too afraid to ask.

“It’s Ella, she … uhhm” Addison started sniffing, and her voice started cracking. The next thing she heard, was Addison starting to muffle cries in the background, and Jake’s voice taking over the phone, dispelling her confusion. 

“Amelia, it’s Jake. Ella has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and…” he sighed heavily. Despite speaking the diagnostic again and again, it still didn’t feel real. They were still living in disbelief. 

But Jake’s words started fading beyond comprehension. She felt her ears shut down on sound, pressure rising, a base humming covering sounds. Her thought stream just stopped, her hand fell off Zola’s braid, limp, as her mouth gasped for much needed air. There just wasn’t a limit to how unfair her world was. Despite the implosion she felt was taking over her body, she muttered a few words to Jake and threw away the phone next, as if throwing away bad luck was even possible. 

“I’m taking the first plane out there." 

"Hello everyone, guess what I’m here early, so who wants to go to get some food?” Meredith bust into her office, high after a smooth apy, the kind that made her feel so damn good about her chosen specialty. 

In between all the kids vocal excitement at the news, Mer noticed something was wrong with Amelia and immediately thought about Owen.

Just before she could open her mouth and ask what’s wrong, Amy blurted out while springing to her feet and anxiously pacing back and forth: 

“Addison called. Her daughter Ella has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. I’m going there on the first plane" 

"Damn it, damn it” Mer spoke under her breath, as always, mindful of her kids. She ran her hand through her hair but quickly turned around, worrying about Amelia now. She realized she was visibly in a state of shock so she quickly made her way over to her, reached out and craddled her into a hug. They became close after the chocking incident, and after her nursing Amelia back from horrific event. All of which served to trigger more confessions from Amelia, who whispered into Mer’s shoulder, more like a small, scared child rather than the adult that she was: 

“I should ask for her scans. But what if I can’t … save her?” Her voice irremediably cracked, and tears started falling, only to be followed by shudders. She buried her head and mouth into Mer’s shoulder, as the kids gazed on silently.  Addison will never look at me again". Her insecurity was kicking in again, as always sabotaging all her relationships. And for so long. 

Mer could all but notice it and felt compelled to put a stop to it immediately. She pulled away from the hug and cupped Amelia’s face, now staring straight into her teary eyes. 

“Amelia you are a good person, and you are doing a great thing helping your friend. You are not God. You will do your very best and Addison knows that. Addison is a mother, and she will behave like all mothers do in such a situation, but she loves you and has forgiven you for so many things. Despite what she might be going through right now, Addison loves you, and you deserve Addison’s love. You are a good person and you are strong, so be strong, Addison needs you to be there for her and her family" 

You’re right, you’re right, she nodded convincingly, smiled shyly as she wiped the tears away, and sniffled her nose, gazing into the distance out of Mer’s office and digesting the words she had just heard. There was something else that had occurred between the two of them in during this moment, but she was too distracted to realize it. 

Mer’s hands now grabbed hold of Amelia’s forearms, giving her a reassuring squeeze, while decisively taking control of the situation and courtly declaring: 

"Kids, your aunt needs to go visit a friend from California” and before she could continue the kids ambushed her with so many questions and started jumping around her, pleading with her to stay on: 

“Why are you crying, why are you going there?” and “Isn’t that far?” and “When are you coming back?" 

"Hey, hey everyone silence, let aunt Amy finish" 

Amelia kneeled down to them and explained her friend’s kid was sick and she was about Bailey’s age, and she hopes someday they will meet. 

"Are you going to operate on her brain”, Zola curiously asked “To make her better?" 

"Yes, aunt Amy will make her better” That’s why I need to go there and I need to be there with my friend. 

“Okaaay” Zola continued resigned, and quickly turned around grabbing one of her toys and handing it to Amelia: 

“This is from us, to make her feel better" 

"That’s so sweet of you sweetheart, she’ll love it! I’m pretty sure the two of you are really going to hit it off when you meet” And by now Amelia’s heart had melted. 

Amelia kissed the kids goodbye, and reassured Meredith she doesn’t need a trip to the airport, and she should just continue their plans to the restaurant. 

Watching Amelia hurry out of her office, Mer felt something at the pit of her stomach. The tip of a thought, half-baked, was starting to make its appearance and she soon realized what it was about. It was a familiar feeling. But it was still surprising she could feel that towards Amelia, because all she had thought she felt about her, was jealousy that she’s not Derek. That is what Richard and the therapist and everyone else said. But this feeling she was feeling now, was at the root of the jealousy, and it was scary. And although it had to do Derek, it wasn’t about projecting her frustration at losing him forever, onto Amelia. Meredith stomach tied into a knot: because for the first time, she realized she worried about Amelia’s well-being, the way families worry about loved ones. And there it was in all its glory: loved-ones. Meredith had a loved-one, a beloved family member, one that her late husband left her. You can’t choose your family is what they said, and that’s true. Amelia was her family, and she cared for her. 

It was all about family for Amelia as well, when she landed in L.A. albeit, without the tinge of hope and excitement that usually characterizes these home visits. She was sick to her stomach, she felt dirty, incapable, ugly. Guilty, as if she had anything to do with Ella’s getting sick. What a brutal disease. There couldn’t have been a worse time to be a doctor, and she hated herself for being one right now. It all meant one thing, the one thing she, as a doctor, and she, as an insecure person, tried to hide the most and push at the back of her head: her helplessness, her insignificance, her lack of importance. All in the face of fate, and death, which she wrangled with every day. The fate she defied everyday, cleverly tricking herself into thinkin she was making magic. But not this time. This time the battle was too big, too much to lose, no room for defiance, just smallness,  and hideous fear. A whirlwind of regret, and no hope, no shimmer of hope, despite the burning deep-yellow sun casting its light in this city more than anywhere else she has ever lived in. And wasn’t that ironic  … the irony of all ironies. “How unfair” Wasn’t this a word she used all of the time in the last 20 years? No, no, stubbornly shaking her head, no time for cry-babies, and no time for looking into the past. 

“Your ID please m’am” the officer at the airport demanded. 

Yes, exactly, this is what she needed, a wake-up call. She was going to meet Addison and Jake soon, and she was going to give them everything she had, like only someone as generous as Amelia knew how to offer. 

“Addie” she half-whispered, half cried, her face turning into a scrunch, when she took all of Addie’s crushed facial features in.

They rested into each other’s embrace for a good couple of moments. Jake was breathing a half sigh of relief that she was there, that some other woman who knew his wife well enough, was there and could give her some help, that was different than his. He wished from the bottom of his heart, that Amelia could make something, anything better. He clung onto this hope, but not nearly as much as Addison did. 

The black and white room she was hoping would give her all the answers, make her Addison’s savior and help redeem all the bad things she said and did to Addison, was quiet, with only the soft buzzing of the lights beaming out the x-rays of the child’s brain. Her thinking was paralyzed. And she was gaining a whole new understanding why doctors shouldn’t be doctors for their relatives and loved-ones. She tried so hard to squeeze out doctor worthy thoughts out of her brain, but all that came out was tears, bunching at the corner of her eye. The distant noise of Addison’s familiar heels headed down the hallway of the hospital made her snap out of it. She wiped away every trace of humidity from her eyes, and straightened her white coat, taking a deep breath, and crossing her arms, waiting for Addison to make an entrance. 

And an entrance she made. 

“Amelia, what do you have for me?” she swiftly walked in, confronting Amelia as serious and composed as she ever was. 

Amelia turned around, surprised to see Addison high on her horses and ready to make a kill. An Addison she had yet to see, but one that reminded her of past time. There was little time to figure it out fully though. 

“Addison … I ” She unconvincingly pointed to the x-rays and fumbled to spit out a few ideas but she didn’t have any. Truth was she was under too much pressure, shock, and fear, and for so many reasons piling up in her mind. 

Addison immediately felt the hesitation, and took no short time to jump at Amelia’s throat. 

“I was expecting you to have a solution by now. That’s why you’re one of the best goddam neurosurgeons on this coast for Christ’s sake!" 

"Addison, we need to think this[…]” she started with a pacifying voice, her shoulders slouching and head tilted with a mix of innocence and pity on her face. But furious Addison was having none of it. 

“I can’t believe it Amelia. Say something!’ Addison’s words were piercing hard, right into her soul, like bullets. It was a war of the innocent, it was unjust, but it was a war nonetheless, and the casualties were guaranteed.   

"Say you know what you have to do, to save her” Addison’s voice was getting higher pitched with every passing moment. And how could Amelia not understand that. Beneath Addison’s aggressive voice, was the same despair that crushed Amelia when she found out about her unborn, brainless baby. With everything Amelia had experienced in her life until then, nothing could compare to that pain. She knew it and it killed her that this had to happen to Addison, and that she was still just as helpless. She would do anything to take this pain away from her beloved friend. 

“You are going to save her! I can’t have it any other way, so you better pull yourself together, because God knows your brother’s gone now and there isn’t anybody else!" 

Amelia was alone with Charlotte who appeared just in time after Addison stormed out of the x-ray room, gently grabbing Amelia’s shoulders first and then pulling her into a warm embrace, acting a buffer for Amelia’s muffled cries. 

Later that night, Amelia rested her head on a pillow in the hospital bed, curling into a fetal position. She felt like crying, but didn’t. Meredith’s words echoed in her head. She needed to hear those words over and over again, to keep herself together. Meredith gave her something that only Owen was able to give her, because everybody else threaded around her with care, like one would do with a sick child, worrying about her frailty: her mother, her brother, her older sisters, Addison, Ryan, James, her other boyfriends. Nobody could figure her out so well, yet be detached enough to deliver what she needed to hear to become a better person. Meredith, especially, didn’t spare her. She treated her like the adult she should be. Meredith was strong, steady and stern in the face of adversity, and it was very slowly rubbing onto Amelia. 

Tonight was cold and lonely. She wished Owen was there to hold her in his arms. She wanted to be reassured that she was going to pull through find a way to save Addison’s daughter. But no, erase that thought. She was strong by herself. And she didn’t need Owen or any other guy to cuddle her in order for her to feel better about herself or about the world. Meredith’s words echoed again. She was going to power through this, because it was a choice and because she could. She was determined. 

Just before she squeezed her eyes shut, her phone lit up. 

Hey,  hope you’re well? You’re on my mind all the time. Sorry I haven’t been in touch in a while. Just wanted you to know I’m boarding a plane to Switzerland, need to take some time away from the city, apparently doctor’s orders. I miss you. Owen 

She had no time to react to this, because the door of the hospital bedroom opened and in the doorway stood James, her former fiancé.

[acrossbeyond]

#NowPlaying Never Be Like You (feat. Kai) by Flume

[acrossbeyond]

I'll be your morning bright goodnight shadow machine I'll be your record player baby if you know what I mean I'll be your real tough cookie with the whiskey breath I'll be a killer and a thriller and the cause of our death http://pitchfork.com/reviews/tracks/18267-big-thief-paul/

[acrossbeyond]

Warfare Mind - Chapter 3 - Stranger in a Room

Owen turns dark and twisty. Will Amelia handle it, without going dark and twisty herself? Post 12x06 Previous chapters: Chapter 1  |  Chapter 2   |

I will count backwards from 10 and you will tell me the first things that cross your mind. 10, 9, 8, 7  . . .  

Owen was roaming the all familiar halls of SGM, skipping from one patient room to the other. Work was really all he had these days, to keep his mind preoccupied, and off that horrible night. He had texted Meredith every 10 minutes that night, as well as the next several days, asking her whether Amelia was ok, whether she was fine. As fine as somebody could be, after the person they were sharing the bed with, just tried to kill them. He was ambushing Meredith with questions about Amelia’s well being, as if, in case she weren’t physically ok, then he feared he might do something drastic. Amelia’s illusory, half-fictional “ok-ness” was keeping everything between the three of them, in a very fragile balance. Keeping the knotty yarn of their relationship, from unraveling, and coloring the grey concrete of where things were going. It had been a few weeks since the chocking incident, and Amelia had taken time off work. Taking care of 3 unadulterated, pure and unknowing children was the best therapy anybody could ever ask for, if anybody asked her.

She wasn’t ready to face Owen yet, and any communication that occurred between them – mostly Owen’s deepest and most sincere apologies – had occurred through Meredith, who, as Derek once aptly observed about her, kept a level head during the entire situation.

Lunch break came around, and his churning stomach swiftly directed Owen’s steps to his favorite Mexican eatery a couple of blocks from the hospital. So far, he kept busy, just enough to quiet his thoughts. Thankfully there wasn’t any dramatic casualty coming in. And a walk could have only aided in wrangling his thoughts some more. He stepped in, and was greeted by a shyly smiling Amelia, seated at his favorite place. He froze at the sight, unable to comprehend, the generosity and love that was glimmering back at him. Reality though, got the better of him in a fraction of a second, when a rude boy shoved him into the eatery, rather than stand shocked in the doorway, blocking everybody’s entrance.

He finally smiled back, and eventually sat down hesitantly, almost asking her, if it’s ok to be seated there. She was quiet, just smiling faintly back at him. Her palms extended out of her black leather jacket, facing upwards, traversing the wooden flat surface standing between them. Disbelieving at first, his hands quickly followed suit, matched with that heartwarming look in his eyes, and as she started speaking, he soon realized there was nothing that needed warming, in that person sitting in front of him.

"I miss you"

Hearing this, he had no choice but to grab those tiny hands and pull them up to his lips, and kiss them.

"I can’t begin to say how sorry I am . . . in fact I don’t know how I have the audacity to stand here in front of you"

"To be honest I didn’t think I’d have the courage to stand here in front of you either. I’ve been eating here for the past couple of days " Tilting her head to face the windows, she continued "Sometimes I wished you’d walk in, sometimes I feared you’d walk in". Her words was sending Owen’s heart on a roller-coaster. "Sometime between a few days ago and today, the fear started fading, but when I saw your face through the door, it was completely gone. But as you walked closer, I couldn’t help but feel afraid again" 

"I would never ask you or expect you to . . . to speak to me ever again. I don’t even dare to think one day you might forgive me for that" 

"Owen, I have forgiven you. It’s just, this fear that’s still there, but I love you, and this thing, this . . . incident, what happened, can make us even stronger" 

"I love you too Amelia, so much, and I want to be with you. Which is exactly why … " his words started trailing behind, just as a perky waitress interrupted his heavy confession and their hands came undone to allow for a brief browsing through the menu.

The interruption was more than welcomed for Owen, who couldn’t gather up his thoughts faster, and was still in shock, clueless as to what he should say next, and paralyzed by the fear of saying or doing something wrong. 

Amelia continued: "I said I forgave you, but I think I still have to learn to trust you again, and to learn not to fear you. Since I’ve been through arguably ALL kinds of drama in my life, I know for a fact that will take a while, so I’m not kidding myself and I don’t want to kid you either. But I’m willing to stick it out Owen." Amelia’s broke their connection for a moment, her eyes cast downward at her hands, as they rubbed against each other with uncertainty and nervousness as she was about to make a confession to him too. Facing a now mellow Owen whose eyes had turned glassy and skin warm with the emotion that she was evoking within him, and with an equally nervous smile she continued: "Me sticking it out, me working at it, is . . . not something I do. Ever. Owen, this relationship, and you, is changing me in ways I didn’t think was possible. I really didn’t believe people could change. I always run, I thought, after that night, I was gonna up and leave this place. Pack up and leave it all behind. That’s how I deal with things usually, with . . .” she bowed her head in shame: “this is how I deal with people . . . with my own feelings. This time though it’s changing. I’m working it out with Meredith, and I will work it out with you. And I’m not running away." 

Uplifting tunes of a song they both loved, started flooding the eatery. And Owen didn’t reply anything this time, because the confession was just too much for him to ruin with words. And frankly, it overwhelmed him, to realize this time around, it was he who had changed her life, changed her, for the better. The way Cristina was that person in his life. He got up on his feet, and extending his hand for her to join him, he led her out of the eatery. She was confused, and slightly afraid, she wobbled in her high heels on the couple of steps that led into the pedestrian street. Her hand in his, he led her out and into the street, and then twisted around to face her. And right there, in the pedestrian street, Owen cupped her face, staring into her confused and now fearful eyes for a few moments, before he leaned in to her ear whispering "I won’t hurt you". Amelia’s tense body softened at the hearing of his reassuring voice. He then passionately kissed her, and Amelia didn’t take long to reciprocate. Soon his hands were running inside her jacket, against the fabric of her sweater, traveling downwards, and soon hitting the curve of her buttocks. In one swift move he gently had her against the ventilator exhaust of the side street that was bordering the eatery. It was loving and lustful and partly healing. But not enough. Amelia, broke it off when it started becoming a bit too lustful, and Owen fully understood and apologized again. And by the end of it, they both knew it was a step in a healing process, that was likely not as easy as what they just shared. But that this kiss, just confirmed that whatever hardship was coming their way, they were worth it. 

Moments later, Owen and Amelia were walking down the street, hands locked in, towards the hospital, in total silence. But inside their minds, it was thunder and lighting. Fixing dying people however, trumped fixing relationships this time around. And Amelia knew that well. One of the perks of both of them being doctors. 

Turning around to face her, Owen got ready to close the impromptu meeting that proved to be a giant breath of fresh air, rather than an awkward spontaneous run in. "Amelia, I need to go back inside the hospital. But you have no idea how grateful I am for seeing you again. And I have to tell you.  . . .” He looked down at his feet but still found the strength to declare: “I am sick. I suffer from PTSD.”

"Meredith already told me that, and Owen I understand, I myself am a former drug addict and  . . ."

He swiftly interrupted her: " This is no justification for what I did. What I did was gravely wrong. The only reason why I’m telling you this, is because I need you to understand, I need treatment and . . ."

"And that means … we can’t see each other" Amelia continued his not yet spoken thoughts in a low voice.

He just sighed, not of relief, but of sadness. She knew the drill all too well. 

Weeks later, two initial therapy sessions were coming to an end. But it was just the beginning. 

"Owen, I’m going to count backwards from 10, you’re going to open your eyes, and tell me the first things that go through your mind. 10, 9, 8, 7 . . .

Shifting uncomfortably, he took a deep breath, exhaled and relieved himself:

"Am I ever going to forget my wartime, the blood, the death? Is it possible that I nearly killed two of the women that I love most?" He turned his face away from the ceiling, and straight into his therapists eyes, questioning, begging for an answer, a solution. But really begging for something else.

"Do you think it’s about forgetting, or about forgiving? Do you think it’s them who have to forgive you, or you who has to forgive yourself"

He frowned for a few moments, inquisitive, as his mind was trying to process this new point of view. Not for long though. He relaxed into the words being spoken at him, and he starred out of the window.

“When I talked to Amelia last time, I realized . . . . I may have changed her. For the better. What the hell am I talking about, I’m not changing her for the better, she is growing up, becoming more mature . . . it’s got nothing to do with me . . .”

“Yes it does. She is becoming a better person, thanks to your influence, thanks to the things you’re experiencing together and learning about each other. You’re motivating her to be a better person, she is becoming a better person, for you Owen. She is getting herself ready for you.” 

On the other side of town, Amelia’s strong resolve to not run this time, was about to take another hit. Luckily, two surprising people in her life, were holding the boat steady:

"Sheldon, could Owen and I, be so broken and still have a chance at being together? Being a functional couple ? "

[acrossbeyond]

Alternating being the driver and the passenger of this ultimate experience called life, because there's a beauty in both the agency to change things, as well as in embracing and being grateful for things, just the way they are.

[thesevenkingdomsrightfulqueen]

See, this is the thing Amelia haters don’t understand. Amelia has been in Derek’s shadow her entire life and it’s bad enough that some patients think she’s the wrong Shepherd but when her sister in law basically tells her that? And it’s completely rude and disrespectful that people can’t see her as her own person. The phrase ‘the other Dr. Shepherd’ or ‘the wrong Dr. Shepherd’ should make people angry. Imagine if someone told you that to your face.

[acrossbeyond]

uhm, Amelia is insecure. we see it time and again. like Owen told her, she shouldn't care what others say. to her face, or behind her back.

[copiouscouples]

Random Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy 12x12

Loved the barber shop-esque scene we got with the men this week. Would it be too much to ask for more such scenes?

Alex was hands down the MVP this week. Why is he not more prominent on this show? I need more Karev on my screen.

More on Karev - Is he like the pregnancy whisperer or something? How in the world did he figure out April was pregnant?

Mer is starting to warm up to Riggs. I’m kind of digging it.

I can see why Amelia’s got a thing for Owen. He’s pretty charming.

I’m a little indifferent to Maggie and Deluca. I don’t hate them, but I don’t ship them either. I know I’ve said it before but I would have preferred seeing Deluca with Stephanie instead.

“They let you be a doctor here?” Loved that line!

Wow. Jackson and April’s divorce is slowly becoming less amicable. Is it just me or was Jackson kind of a douche in that last scene with April?

[acrossbeyond]

yep, Jackson was kind of a douche in that last scene. Somehow I actually believe April's happiness doesn't have to do with the baby, but really she's better off without the constant fighting and hardship that marriage ended up bringing her.

[acrossbeyond]

Warfare mind - Chapter 2

The first chapter ended with a bit of a cliffhanger, and this one will definitely be more mellow, focused mostly around Meredith, and a little bit on Owen. 

Mer's new SUV was barely making its way through the rainy Seattle traffic. It was that kind of moody rain, that brought on the blues, to match the slow tunes lightly puncturing the silence of her being alone in the car. Slow, small but dense rain, pressuring her thoughts into a corner, with no escape. And it was opportune that day. She hadn't had much time to think these days. Her workhours had reached all new heights, and at home she felt on autopilot. Taking care of three small children was eating away everything she had to give. There wasn’t anything left for herself, let alone for those around her. They were her joy though, and maybe they should have been enough.

Her eyes slowly got stuck on the bright traffic lights as she lost herself in thought, or lack of thought. A sort of brain numbness. A sharp honk powered its way to her ears from behind, ruining that last drop of meaningless calm she was enjoying. The black SUV filled the narrow little streets close to home. She turned off the engine after parking in the driveway, and allowed herself to quietly watch the soothing rain drops explode on her windshield.

6 years ago, she would be fighting off the moody Seattle rain, tucked away at cozy Joe’s with Cristina and her laughing so hard, everything else would evaporate. No worry in the world could penetrate those moments. Where had those days disappeared? She would kill for a drink with her person, because she knew Cristina would help her hide the body. When did life get so complicated? Maybe she needed a vacation. She’s gotten to a good place now, being the Chief’s right hand. Has she ever had a vacation before? But that thought was quickly shot down, because really her life was not complicated, just lacking something. Almost lacking purpose. Of course she had a purpose, to save patients, and mentor younger doctors to become great doctors, raise her children to become great people when they grow up. But what was her purpose to herself? What did she want for herself? She wanted a lighter mood. Someone who could bring her into a lighter mood, someone fun, someone to share her worries with, someone who could take the weight of her shoulders every now and then. Instead all she had, were people who were complicating her life, sucking her attention and energy. Her sister in law for one, with her boyfriend drama. Work getting more complicated and a lot less fun, with the high that scalpel-cutting once brought on its way out. Alex and his immature self. Interns and residents who needed constant supervision and guidance. So many heavy elements in her life and not a single positive except for the kids.

That was Mer real problem, she thought to herself.

No vacation could fix that. Meredith realized she was all alone, shouldering far too many responsibilities on her own, and they were weighing her down by the second, not leaving anything for herself or anybody else. She didn’t have Derek to lean on. Or Cristina to cheer her up. Just Alex. Who would soon be out of her reach, because of Jo. Alex was there only when things got dramatic, when she sought him and asked him for help. She needed someone there permanently. 

Looking up, the lights were turned off in the kids’ bedrooms. She silently thanked Amelia. For the little help she received from her, Amelia annoyed her ten times more. Could she and Maggie be enough for Mer? How could they understand or help with what she was going through? Or was she just not letting them in, for some reason? She wished she had a boyfriend, a husband. Chastising herself for that selfish thought, she leaped out of the car. How could she think about other men?  

The rain all of a sudden intensified, and Mer sprinted to the door, for cover. As she fumbled for the keys to the house, she started singling out a noise, that wasn’t the raindrops falling hard all around her. The noises got louder, the thud of something falling to the floor jolted her steps quickly into the living room.  

For a split second she didn’t know what the hell was going on. But a lightning followed by a loud thunder, cast clarity into the room, by revealing Owen’s distinctive ginger hair. That prompted her into action flipping the switch on, only to see Amelia’s face which was now turning a pale bluish. It wasn’t as easy as she thought. Owen was in a trance. No shouting shook him out of it. So she grabbed the nearest object rushing towards them.  

The pain shooting up his body, interrupted the flow of adrenalin. He let of the grip, leaving Amelia fall to the floor making squeaky sounds, and taking the kids with her, who were now wailing upstairs having been woken up by the noises.  

He backed away, staring blankly for seconds while Mer kneeled down to Amelia, cupping her face and checking her vitals. Amelia struggled to breathe.

"Amelia, I’m her now. You will be ok. I won’t let him hurt you now. You’re safe.”

Amelia’s tears were threatening to fall, but she was still in shock.

"Amelia, I’m gonna go grab a paper bag so you can brea…"

But no sooner had the words left her mouth, that Amelia desperately threw her arms around Mer’s shoulders, her breathing getting wheezier and a look etched across her face that reminded her of Bailey’s when she would need to drop him off at daycare. How could she have the heart to leave her when Amelia’s face was so desperately begging her not to. 

Owen was standing far off, shocked, feeling his body limp and numb, and his hands shaking, not able to process what he just did. Again. 

"Owen get me a paper bag, bottom right cupboard. And a pillow" Mer shouted at him. He grabbed the pillow on the sofa on the way to Mer’s side, but keeping them both at arm’s length, unable to trust himself. He watched Mer slowly lift Amelia’s head to fit the pillow behind her head, then holding the paper bag to her face with one hand, and the other wiping off the tears that had now found their release. 

"What have I done, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry" he kept quietly muttering. 

Mer kept Amelia’s face on hers, and whispered she would be ok. 

"The problem is back Owen, you need to get help" She didn’t want to interrupt her eye contact with Amelia, while holding her hand into hers, rubbing it reassuringly now. It was working, as Amelia’s breathing was getting better, and her body was not as tense. 

"I need to go" he said with a firmer tone this time, his feet quickly following his words, as he headed to the door. 

Ellis wouldn’t stop crying upstairs. 

"Owen I need you first to go upstairs, get Ellis for me here and get her bottle. Can you do that?" 

"Yes, sure" 

"Owen", she shouted with a shaky but firm voice, "Be back here in under 1 minute. Or I will come up" 

The words stabbed him, and then tipped him into the abyss he was still staring down at. 

How could he trust himself, to have children in the future, to even be with a woman, to live with one under the same roof? This being the second time it happened, it could happen anytime, his mood could swing back, with or without the medication. Because this really was all in his mind. And this was going to be bigger than a temporary lapse. It firmly wedged a thought into Owen’s mind, that only expanded with every passing moment and no meds would shake it out.

Thank you for reading this new chapter ! The next one will feature more Amelia and Mer, but also Owen and Amelia.

[acrossbeyond]

june-louise reblogged this from acrossbeyond and added:

Oh no, don’t leave it here! This is seriously good but Amelia needs to wake him up so they can start making babies.

Thank you @june-louise for your super kind words ! I will continue the story, no promises about the babies tho : D

[acrossbeyond]

francescabuccino reblogged this from june-louise and added:

There is a part 2?!?

How could I refuse @francescabuccino?  ; )

[acrossbeyond]

magicalpostface reblogged this from acrossbeyond and added:

AMAZING

Thank you so much @magicalpostface ! Your words serve as an encouragement to continue the story, very glad you enjoyed reading it