Well Lars, I don’t know if you still look at this, but it’s been two years.
I still have all the stuff you wrote for me, the instructions. Looking at all this old stuff on my blog is pretty cringe. I’ve been doing a lot a therapy and considering how you blocked me (I posted I wish I were dead, which I think you liked and then subsequently blocked me), my guess is that you have absolutely no good feelings about me at all, but my therapist advised me to write this. It's another apology, though I guess I should apologize for the old apologies too. What a mess. I don't think I fully understood the extent of the harm I had caused, maybe still don't, or that maybe the harms couldn’t be apologized for. When we did break up you said you could already tell we would break up, I don't fully know why. I do know all the things that caused me to make a hard exit, which I guess I'll say. I had serious problems with boundaries, and serious problems with having sex with people (or trying to have sex with people) without properly caring about them. It was something I hadn’t resolved and being in a space as poly and sexually open as the forest was not the appropriate place for me at all. I think the response though, was hard to manage. There was no clear way for me to improve or for me to reconcile, not one that I could see at the time. This rift between me and your friends seemed impossible to heal, and, being isolated in Atlanta, I pretty much exclusively stuck to you (in my phone). Smoking weed pushed me further into myself, and each negative interaction was just internalized and made it worse. I came to feel terrible, and felt like I couldn’t talk to you about it. I wasn’t ready for a relationship the way you were either, I’m still not quite. I’m still figuring out how to keep some semblance of self. I was a pretty fucked up person, and it impacted a bunch of people around me. When things like the rejection of the rainbow people, or of Craig Womack from the forest happened, I started to question my desire to participate. I would come up with crazy plans, and then find that I didn’t really know what I was talking about or have the necessary bravery to participate. The thought was that, when you came down, it would somehow fix things. Not even just you, but when any of the other people around me offered me any kind of emotional intimacy I would try to cling to them, like a drowning person. When you came, there was plenty that was great, but I could tell something was wrong. By the time we had the party and the situation with J came out, I felt like I had lost all connection with you. It felt like I switched from being on one side of the line to the other. Maybe if I had stuck it out things could’ve healed, but having gotten so depressed and missed so much work I thought I was done. I had no people, it felt like no future, and it already felt like you had totally disconnected from me. Then you tried to stay friends with me, and it was too soon. I said things that I don’t believe anymore, like that I hadn’t harmed folks. I couldn’t properly process things, not in the environment with my parents, especially my mom. Had she not insisted, I might’ve moved back in when I visited you. There are still things about the movement that bother me, but I still care about everybody, including you. I don’t really know how to reconnect anymore, and don’t expect that it would be welcome. That makes sense, you guys deserve to be able to just move on. I must’ve caused you a lot of pain, and maybe am still causing you pain. Or, at least, really really pissed you off (which feels more right). I don’t know how to do anything about that, not now. You were an amazing person to know though, so you were friends. I was just some weird side character who inserted themself, even if I was only there for a little while. I’m sorry for throwing that off-kilter, and for hurting so many of you guys, and for hurting you. I still think it was best for me to remove myself, that I wouldn't have been stable enough to get the help I needed, and it seems I’m improving, at least a little bit at a time. I hope you read this, and I really am sorry.
