My mother is a narcissist, and it sucks.

Hi, I'm a 19 year old girl in college in Texas. This is a blog where I put my negative feelings about my mom and our relationship. I may seem pretty pissed in some of these posts, but the beauty of being so angry at my mom is that it's virtually impossible for me to be angry at anyone else. So don't be afraid to talk to me! (Unless you're my mom, in which case, be very afraid.)

[actuallyamonster]

monster (for my narcissistic mother)

I’m a monster.

How could I be so cruel and heartless?

You did this to me.

A lifetime of dealing with you did this to me.

I imagine punching you, kicking you, breaking you.

I imagine stabbing you with needles. I imagine lighting things on fire.

I imagine trapping you under a blanket and screaming at you until I can finally make you understand.

It wouldn’t work.

You’ll never understand; you don’t want to.

I know it’s true, but sometimes I scream my feelings at you anyway, in hope that, maybe this time, it will click.

Maybe this time I’ll find the words that force you to see.

I’ve tried a lot of words over the years.

I guess a lot of them were hurtful, but only because I’m trying to show you my hurt.

I want so badly for you to understand the way I feel.

But I guess you only ever understood your own pain.

So I’m angry and violent and irrational.

I screech and scratch and shove and pull and twist.

There is shock and horror in your face, as if I didn’t learn all of this from you.

You taught me that making them fear you was how you show someone your love.

I don’t know why you’re surprised at how I turned out.

How could your daughter be anything but what you are?

I am a monster by birth and by necessity.

It was the only way I could have survived.

But I’m better than you.

I slay monsters, too.

And I am not exempt from my own sword.

I am a monster for you, and you alone.

(I know you like it when things are all about you)

When you die, I’ll be free.

This toxic bloodline stops with me.

I can’t help what I am, but I won’t poison anyone else.

I am thrilled to disappoint you.

So spare me the manipulative

bullshit.