actualsystemhelp

If you need an ask to be answered privately, be sure to say so in the ask. Do not ask "do I have DID?" or any similar questions (including "am I valid".) We are not licensed therapists and are not qualified to diagnose someone over the internet through an ask blog. This blog has become mostly discourse, we're still accepting asks but also we get tired very easily and can't pretend to remain neutral on certain issues anymore. accessible links (for mobile etc): about us . faq . terms . tags

[actualsystemhelp]

if you don't like us or what we have to say, there's actually a really cool function on this website called "blocking"!! it's super useful and neat 💗 it makes it so you won't see our posts at all, actually! we won't even be able to interact with you 🙏

i find it to be super useful, you might too! here's a link on how to accomplish this:

How to Block If you receive unwanted messages, reblogs, or followers, you can block the blogs. You can do so from several places within Tumb

[actualsystemhelp]

she got so worked up that she forgot to answer the first part of that last ask :

our gatekeeper mostly keeps this blog, and her special interest is the inner workings of systems and alters, so that is going to be her primary focus, including inner system relations, inner worlds, the actual functionality of systems. she also is fond of clinical research, though there's not much out there

we have other alters that specialize in other roles that can likely answer specific questions, for example we have a protector that specializes in conflict mediation between alters as well as an organizer alter

our partner also has DID and we have lived together for the better part of a decade, so we can speak to that as well

our weak topic is how to actually talk to other human beings (singlets) haha. we are not well versed because we are not open with our DID except to a handful of people, we all just pretend to be the host to 99 percent of the people we deal with on a regular basis,

so we don't have much experience with how to navigate the complications of being open with your DID to anyone besides your therapist, your partner, and your very close friends

other resources might be better for that, even though we can try to take a stab at it

[actualsystemhelp]

^This is the correct way to engage if you don't agree with something I say, by the way.^

source: trust me bro

But really -- I've been clinically diagnosed with BPD*, while it is readily apparent that no other alters in our system have it. No one else struggles with it at all and displays nor feels any symptoms. It is one of the main things that I struggle with personally, however.

*BPD in particular is hotly debated about nature versus nurture. People far smarter and more qualified than I am can't even agree.

This is a tough topic to broach in general because people have Big Opinions about whether personality disorders are nature or nurture. Alters having (developing?) personality disorders definitely points to the latter, which I imagine some people take issue with.

As with everything related to systems, your mileage may vary. I do fully believe that there are systems in which every alter has the same personality disorder(s). I also fully believe there are systems where no alters have any personality disorders at all. Furthermore, I don't believe it's outside of the realm of possibility that there can be a mix.

Considering I am the center of our system and have dealt with a good portion of our trauma, it is entirely possible that my BPD personally is borne of the trauma I have endured rather than something inherent to us in general.

That being said, I have met quite a few systems that have alters that clearly display symptoms of different personality disorders. I have also met alters who are unable or unwilling to get an official diagnosis but have self diagnosed.

There are certainly alters in our system that also display symptoms of various personality disorders. I am unable to diagnose any alters in my own system myself though, as I am not qualified to do so. I can only speculate.

[actualsystemhelp]

What kind of issues are you able to help with and what makes you qualified to offer that help?

I am just some person on the Internet with DID.

My knowledge comes from:

- Being the center of a huge system;

- Being the first alter in my system;

- My role in the system as center and gatekeeper allowing me to really dig deep into the mechanizations of a system;

- Years of research and continual updates of my knowledge;

- Being a part of the community and having talked to and befriended a TON of systems;

- Having helped countless systems successfully.

That being said - It's prudent to take EVERYTHING on the internet with a huge grain of salt and always follow up with a licensed professional, particularly if your problem is potentially life altering or if you are in crisis.

For the record, I refuse to answer questions about suicide and always direct those people to professionals in their local area if they send me a private ask. If they send me an anonymous ask, I do not answer those. Direct crises require specialists and nuanced information that I can't glean from a single ask.

And if my advice doesn't resonate with you? That wouldn't be the first time and won't be the last. It's impossible for me to know the nuances of every situation and every system. I can only provide advice based on what (usually little) information is provided to me and my own experience as outlined above.

Also, I'm just not always right. As much as I'd like to think otherwise (ahaha) I am not infallible.

That being said... I take issue with the subtle implication that someone who happens to be licensed is inherently "more qualified" to provide advice with something like DID.

I've had quite a few therapists throughout my life. You know, the ones with very expensive degrees from fancy institutions.

95% of them had absolutely no experience working with dissociative disorders at all.

Most of them admitted that DID was only mentioned in a footnote on a single page out of the thousands and thousands of pages they had to memorize to get their degrees.

They would take me on as a client under the assumption that their knowledge of dissociation in other contexts, along with their knowledge of PTSD and trauma would be enough. With mixed results in the end.

For those 95% of therapists who had no prior experience with dissociative disorders, I had to literally hold their hand and explain to them the most basic concepts: what a system even is, what an alter is and isn't, the current understanding of structural dissociation, how integration works, how trauma interrupts integration, etc.

15 years of my life was spent struggling with therapists who didn't understand, COULDN'T understand, and feeling more like I was being used as a "learning experience", free schooling, and a specimen for ignorant therapists to use to get experience with patients with DID.

Even the best therapists I've worked with only have a rudimentary understanding of dissociative disorders, and DID in particular. The best ones learn quickly, adapt, are respectful, ask lots of questions, and usually have experience with dissociation in some other context, IFS, or otherwise.

The worst ones tend to be older, stuck in their ways, skeptical that DID even exists, or apply otherwise useful therapeutic modalities inappropriately. Even well meaning therapists often spent therapy sessions using me to enhance their knowledge and learn more about DID rather than actually helping.

This is one of the few mental health disorders that half of doctors don't even believe exists, and the other half oftentimes think it's so rare that they'll never encounter anyone with it anyway, so why bother?

Very few therapists, no matter how much they might enjoy working with a client with DID, are going to spend the required amount of time pouring over books, documentation, the (small amount of) studies to acquire the mastery to fully "understand" DID unless they are specializing. From their point of view, that is a ton of work that they could be putting towards specializing in something that is more "helpful" to more people, like PTSD and trauma.

I am sure there are DID specialists who have done that kind of work and have worked with enough systems to genuinely need no hand holding whatsoever. I've never met one personally. I've looked. I am blessed to be covered by insurance and have access to many therapists, too.

The very few therapists I've researched who do specialize are very expensive, not covered by insurance, and so few in number that accessibility is a huge issue. Especially for people with DID, who in my experience tend to be more disenfranchised than singlets for reasons I don't care to go into right now.

In the end, especially with general questions, I believe that someone who has the disorder is going to be vastly more knowledgeable than someone who is expected to have a wide breadth of knowledge - especially with something like DID, because it's an experience that is so unique to systems. I've never met a singlet, therapist or otherwise, who is able to fully understand and comprehend what it is like to have a system. They can sympathize, but they can't empathize.

I feel very lucky to be blessed with a therapist who has a genuine interest in working with DID in specific and has actively sought out clients with DID. That being said, there were things that even she didn't know. Because as I said, she has no way of knowing - because she is a singlet. She doesn't know what it's like to be in an inner world for example, or to deal with the inner workings of a system.

This doesn't only apply to DID, by the way. It applies to every disorder, mental or physical, particularly the ones that are more rare. I could go into that further, but not now.

tl;dr - asking for "qualifications" with the implication that schooling can give total insight to what it's like to be multiple is, quite frankly, stupid. And the way you worded the question was loaded in a way that tells me you weren't asking in good faith but instead with ulterior motives. If you've disagreed with something I've said - reblog it. Make your voice known. Change my mind.

Definitely be critical of who you are taking advice from. I highly encourage that. But realize, as per usual, the ones who are directly affected by something - health issues, marginalization, etc - are typically going to be the ones who have the experience and insight necessary to speak to it.

In the end, for a lot of alters and systems, some help is better than none. Most of the asks I get are just alters who need a shoulder to cry on or validation that what they are going through is very real and very okay. One doesn't need a doctorates to do that. The other asks I get are typically about the actual functionality and mechanizations of a system, which a therapist can't speak to. They're a singlet.

If I can help even one system or alter who is struggling and unable to access help, then I will have provided a net positive to the community and the world.

The one DID "specialist" that my partner had consistently fell asleep in sessions with him. Neither here nor there, but a fun little footnote. :)

[arcane-sync]

I need someone who understands both Internal Family Systems therapy and DID.

I met another counselor who uses IFS to treat DID, and she has... strong opinions on the "true self." She describes it as a state of being at peace, a part that is totally self-loving and accepting. So her treatment is working with different alters until the true self emerges. This part became a thing at the time of the first trauma experienced, and the job at that point is aging that part up and healing it. And... that fixes the DID? Supposedly?

Is this an accurate picture of how IFS is used to treat DID?

Cause if so, my interest in both this counselor and modality has dropped off a cliff. The way she said it was like every alter is a fake, and if they would just... get out of the way, we'd be healed. But since they wont, the only option is to make them get along.

I'm sure all my self doubt and emotional hurt will come up and consume me at some inconvenient point later.

[actualsystemhelp]

No, this is not how IFS is typically used to treat DID. Sounds more like a therapist who is conflating IFS with DID. DID is not a more "extreme" version of IFS, which is what it appears like your therapist is implying.

[actualsystemhelp]

my apologies, i understand just how stupid this question is. i understand endogenic is bad AND harmful, but the part that i don’t comprehend is why you have to go through trauma to develop DID. it’s like — LOGICALLY. i can sit down and go “okay. trauma made you detached pieces of yourself to distance yourself FROM the trauma.” but there is that teeeeeby tiny voice in the back of my head that goes “ok but you developed BPD from your trauma, and you don’t consider ur trauma to be ‘valid’ or ‘traumatic’ so why NOT them//

i think what i’m asking is— would there/is there a place for people who are “alright/okay/coped from” their trauma in a way i am, that they don’t consider themselves to have had a set traumatic experience? or am i failing to understand DID as a whole because of my own personal experiences and biases?

thank you in return <3 ~ 🐠

You need trauma to develop DID because trauma disrupts your ability to properly integrate your personality. That's our current scientific understanding of how it works, anyway.

Regardless of how you coped, you are still valid. Trauma is trauma.

It's also important to note if you have DID or any other dissociative disorder, there's a strong chance that you are less okay than you think you are. Dissociating emotions, memories, etc can make you feel like you're "okay" on the surface, when in reality, you could be barely holding it together under the surface.

[like---constellations]

Stupid, maybe, but I have a question for the system community.

Is it alright for me to wish we had more co-consciousness?

Recently our fronting habits have consistented of singular alters fronting for 3-9 hours alone at a time. This is not typical for us.

Of course, it's preferable to the clusterfucks we would have months ago with like 7+ people fighting for the front at once, but those were because of harsh dissociation. While it's good we aren't having dissociation THAT BAD right now, our communication is completely going down the drain and amnesia is getting harsher than ever.

(I suppose question 2 would be tips for communication that don't completely focus on leaving external notes - our amnesia makes it hard for us to get around to write responses, let alone read each other's messages)

- Rohan

[actualsystemhelp]

You are valid. There is nothing wrong with wanting more cocon.

[actualsystemhelp]

I'm here to help again. Several years of therapy in. Let me know if you need help.

[actualsystemhelp]

*comes on for two seconds after several years of being off*

Ah, yes, I see. Still the same discourse as always.

*logs back out*

[actualsystemhelp]

a shout out

to not only the veterans today, but also to their families

To the children, who never got to see their mother or father growing up. Sometimes for them to never get to meet them. Who never got a stable childhood, who have no items of their past because when moving base to base you can't afford to have more than a few boxes of stuff.

To the spouses, the fiances, the partners, who raise children alone for months to years on end. Who go back to an empty house knowing that they have to keep it together. Who watch their loved one come home, unable to help their pain.

To the parents, the siblings, the close family, who understand that each time may be the last. And every time who grow just a little bit more numb.

Everyone has to sacrifice, but it doesn't go unnoticed.

Stay strong.

[actualsystemhelp]

I don't know if you'll be able to answer this as I don't know if you are from the UK but can you get an off-paper diagnosis in the UK via the NHS. We're not diagnosed yet and want to be but because we are an all male system and the body is afab we're all uncomfortable and are wanting to medically transition (hormones and surgery). I know having an on paper diagnosis will mean that we will be denied access to transition so we want an off paper diagnosis but don't know if that's possible in the UK

Sorry, we are from the US.

But anyone who might have more information is free to input on this, if anyone has any relevant information.

[actualsystemhelp]

how does one deal with family members being afraid of you after being diagnosed? it’s not like i can get away from them because i live with them, but i don’t know how to cope with them being afraid of me. i thought they loved me.

Hard question, and I apologize that you are in this situation. It's very difficult to have family or friends that change when a diagnosis comes out. Whether it being afraid, distant, angry, denial, however it comes. It can be devastating, and heartbreaking.

I know how hard it can be on yourself to handle the diagnosis, and often times support is needed, but family can sometimes not be in a state to provide that.

I think it's important to remember that everyone is human. Everyone is an individual who has their own emotions, and own way of processing things. While it might not be fair, emotions are not always rational or fair.

Your family may also be going through their own journey of understanding and accepting. Parents may feel like they have failed their children and hold guilt, siblings may feel that suddenly their brother or sister is not who they thought they were and don't know how to interact, aunts and uncles may be misinformed and think it's suddenly going to turn you into this evil monster.

It doesn't excuse it, it doesn't make it 'right' to act afraid of someone dut to a mental illness diagnosis, but it does help to understand that everyone will need a period to adjust.

And sometimes not everyone adjusts. Sometimes the support is something you have to seek from others who can understand and offer empathy. Sometimes it takes years for them to come around. Sometimes it takes them being properly informed of what this diagnosis means.

The best way to deal with it, coming from a person who had to deal with their parents being afraid, being unable to reach out, and being distant, is to give them time, and find yourself support beyond them. Therapy and friends pulled me through when they would not or could not and helped me navigate how others around me behaved.

It's difficult, I know, to have people you hold the expectation to always be there for you not being there, and acting as if you are some foreign object that might bite them. But be sure to take care of yourself, and realize that there is more than family who can be there for you.

[autumnhobbit]

literally all four Fs of trauma typology lmao

[autumnhobbit]

Flight—Responds to abuse by constantly attempting to escape it, devolves into self-repeating perfectionism in the belief that it will prevent future abuse, obsessed with either geographical escape or forcibly recovering instantaneously to escape the continual, constant torture.

Fight—Responds to abuse with anger and aggressiveness because that is the only thing that appears to give control in family dynamic. Responds to anything that resembles attack with cruelty and defensiveness and attempts to manipulate with intimidation and disdain before others can manipulate them.

Fawn—Responds to abuse by attempting to become the perfect victim in the hopes of being less hated and less mistreated in exchange for cooperating. Turns off all personal desires, boundaries, traits, and emotions, tries to become exactly what the abuser wants. Continues this set of interpersonal rules even with non-abusive outsiders.

Freeze—Responds to abuse by attempting by any means to dull or numb it. Shuts down mentally, tunes everything that is said or done out, drowns it out with electronics or isolation or addictions. Prefers being disconnected and unaware to actively living.

[actualsystemhelp]

@peachypadparadscha

There's several different things that can work for external communication. A lot of systems try to keep a journal whether to keep notes for other alters for whoever fronts next, or to have conversations to each other in. For us, if we need any type of external way to talk for whatever reason, we leave sticky notes around.

I've also seen some people do videos or audio recordings. Making something on their phone, or camera, and hope for a reply. Or making notes on computers and phones. We've also had our own forum before and used that, which came a lot easier due to being more comfortable typing. Or our own discord server.

There's an array of things that can work, but it's also important to note that this isn't viable for every system. Some systems might be against leaving any external sign they are there, or sometimes they aren't organized enough to keep a constant and consistent way going.

But naturally it doesn't hurt to try and throw the line out and see if anything comes back.

[actualsystemhelp]

Anyway, the entire reason I came on here is to say for those who have DID/OSDD to not give up.

In 4 years time, we've gone from jobless, still in an abusive household, hardly functioning. To having a wonderful fiance, a stable job, and about to move into our own house.

It does get better, things can improve. Sometimes just one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. One second at a time, even. But slowly, slowly, it can happen. The shit times are shit, but the best thing about being at your lowest is that it can only go up from there.

[actualsystemhelp]

I have one part who seems to block me from talking to others. Most of the time when I go to do internal communication it’s like a radio is turned on in my head. Some random song will start playing loudly and I can’t hear or focus on anyone answering me. How can I make this part stop?

Have you tried external communications, especially toward the one part that is blocking you? It's possible that it's for a reason, either protection for you or the system. It could also be that the alter wants something, but doesn't know how else to communicate their need. Whether literally not being able to, or acting out in order to get attention to what they want.

There's quite a few things it could be, but first step I would try is either internal communication toward it specifically, or external. Or, if in therapy where it is possible, to try and see if the alter would talk to a third party about what is going on.

[actualsystemhelp]

This isn’t help for us, but I’m generally curious. We’re traumagenic and we have a system, duh- but how the fuck do endo/tulpa systems switch fronts? Do they even switch? When they switch does the “core” always have to be present? Because obviously endo/tulpa systems are fake- so how would they switch fronts?? Have you asked any endo/tulpas and how do they describe it? Bc hell I’m not going to confront them

man, your guess is as good as ours lol. going to talk more on tulpas here, I've seen some 'tulpas', or those with them, act like they can just choose whoever they want to be around at any time. As if looking at a list and choosing going, hmmm, this one sounds good, it's time for that one to 'front'.

I've seen some of them which say that they just have whoever fronting, similar to how traumagenic might work.

Others say that their tulpas front according to what situation is best for which one. Because from what I've seen, tulpas are mainly formed for something specific, either some need or situation, and thus are only around for that need. Kind of like a Pokémon, I guess. Which yes, traumagenic can also work in this way, but naturally we never get to choose who or what or when or why. Or even that they will front when they are needed. Or the opposite, front when they aren't needed. (nothing like having a mute little triggered out when you're at a doctor's appointment alone or something)

Several of them have talked like the core/host/original in this situation is in control of most of the happenings. in control of what tulpas, in control of when or where they front, or when they want a tulpa.

all in all, great questions, and over my time here and research elsewhere, I've seen a lot of varying answers. I know there are several websites out there specifically on tulpas if you wanted more actual info

a quick edit to this also; I believe in the situation of a tulpa, the core isn't split off, so technically everything is based around the core? They often describe needing to 'learn' how to let their tulpas take over, usually by doing some sort of task that they believe would be more likely to cause a shift. I've seen examples go from meditation, to self harm, to just literally talking and acting like someone is there until you force them into existence slenderman style.

so tldr; I have no clue my dudes. I've stopped trying to understand years ago when I finally saw it wasn't going to get me anywhere besides arguments that aren't worth it.