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@adalinebowmansnow
I wish I were a different person. One that actually deserves you. No matter how pure my intentions or how strong my attempts, I'm not at your level. I want to be better but I don't know how to be okay. I've found a sort of comfort in my vices and repentance. I've made a home of rock bottom because if I get better and begin to climb the harder the fall. But you, you have so much strength so much potential and you're wasting it with me.
Illusion
I'm the ultimate mirage
The girl you see isn't really here
Even when the illusion cracks
Your attention I manage to steer
Away from everything I lack
I convince you once again
That I'm incapable of sin
And you live happy with what you see
But that’s my sea of lies
Where I've drowned every piece of me
And all my pleading and cries, well
They don’t convince me anymore
But I'll keep the act and be your hero
Now unto forever
Even if I've gone so low
Because I can disappoint me
But I can't disappoint you
sorry
I'm too good at saying sorry
And I hate it
They said don’t eat the cookie
And I ate it,
One too many times.
But they'll forgive like they do.
I'll put up a front and be Mary Sue
Because I'm a little girl and I'm dumb
And in hindsight I cry and cry
But in the act all I am is numb
But all I want is to try
To try and to win against what I am
What counts more? What I do
Or what I wish I did?
If you read this and saw my blue,
Would you shout, heaven forbid
And run, for your peace of mind
I wouldn't blame you even if I did my time
admiración
Como amo verte, tu sonrisa, tus ojos, tu nariz, las fotos no te hacen justicia. Aunque hermoso, te tienen que ver en movimiento, cuando ríes, cuando frunces el ceño al escribir, la ‘o’ que forman tus labios cuando te explican algo, el amor en tus ojos cuando te cuento mi día, o como te brillan hablando de tu serie favorita. Aún así nadie podrá comprender mi fascinación nadie te verá y conocerá como yo. Sin embargo, hablo de ti, escribo sobre ti como loca. Tal vez entre tantas palabras tantos escritos y momentos de estallido de mi emoción, pueda capturar si acaso una fracción de tu esencia.
miedo de mirarte
Porque se siente tan prohibido. El que tú sepas a donde voy y me encuentres en ese destino.
Te quiero encontrar, y a este corazón liberar.
Pero me escondo detrás de mi pelo suelto con el cerebro todo revuelto.
Y empiezo a retroceder pero tampoco te quiero perder.
No te puedo ver a los ojos, porque en ese segundo abres todos mis cerrojos.
El impulso es tan fuerte, que supera lo inevitable de la muerte.
Me quiero acercar. Te quiero abrazar. Sentir tu calor derritiendo esta soledad, y que mis manos por tu pelo se vuelvan tu hogar.
Trazar tu cara con mis manos con la gentileza de la brisa, y que la más mínima mirada nos saque una sonrisa.
Que tu respiro en mi cuello llegue hasta el fondo de mis pulmones, y que en mis labios experimentes el mejor de los sabores.
Comunicación
Las cosas como son
Es más fácil la teoría
Que llevarlo a la práctica
Hay tantas cosas que quiero decirte
Tantas cosas que quiero que sepas.
Te confundí perdón.
Tratando de jugar ajedrez hice un revoltijon.
Pero hay mucha gente envuelta,
Cada quien con su cuchara,
Pero solo me importas tú y Dios de arriba
Y Juntos superaremos esta inmensa colina.
Dime que te hizo dudar
Dime que te hizo amar
Dime que te hiere
Y que a qué temes
Que esperas
Y que anhelas
Porque eres el único que mi corazón acelera
Y es Porque por ti
yo daría lo que fuera
lo que le quiero decir
Lo amo con todo tejido de mi ser. Mi cuerpo se siente en paz con su cercanía, y el recuerdo de su abrazo calienta la noche más fría. Lo amo con todo rincón de mi mente. Lo pienso todo el día. ¿Que estará haciendo? ¿Visitó a su familia hoy? ¿Ya salió de trabajar? Lo amo con la profundidad de mis emociones. Aunque no esté presente yo siento en el tiempo y el espacio que está ahí siempre para mi. Cualquier historia o sentimiento siempre es al primero que le quiero contar. Lo amo con mi pasado, presente y futuro. Con él se sanan mis heridas, el pasado es pasado. Con él mi presente es más que un simple escalón en el camino. Y lo único más brillante que su sonrisa es lo que nos depara futuro. Y espero con toda mi alma ser lo mismo para él.
Estabilidad
Que vergüenza
Que apenas te conozca
Y no pueda evitar sonrojar
Con el simple gesto de tu mirar
Me das un nervio
Y una calma
En este mar turbio
En el que vive mi alma
Nunca yo había sentido
Tan serena insistencia
No me dejas en el desierto
Eres una brisa tan fresca
Nunca yo había visto
En alguien tanta seguridad
No me inundas con un torrente
Sino que eres tan paciente
Eres el riego de mi vida
Que la hace colorida
Te espero y ahí vas a estar
De ti no me voy a alejar
Mi refugio
La San Marcos que tanto amo
Eres para mi un gran apapacho,
Sacas de mi todo el frío
Que ha penetrado cada hueso mío.
Cada invierno de mi vida
Lo calientas con tu sonrisa linda.
Tus manos fuertes que me guían
Cuando mis pies perderse solían.
Siempre tan constante
Y conmigo siempre tan paciente.
Dulce como la pura miel,
No somos nada pero siempre eres fiel.
Con mucho cuidado por el ayer
Pero te prometo, ya empecé a caer
sweet defeat
I love how sure you are.
When you smile at me from your car.
When i happen to find out,
That some else knows I’m your route.
How you always text first,
And All the conversations you nursed.
So Incredibly confident
this is not simply a random incident.
Your are not at all pushy
Just consistent at making me mushy.
So consistent and pure,
Even If I show that I’m not all that sure.
Lovely and oh so sweet,
I know you’ll eventually be my defeat.
please slow down
I don’t know if it’s you and sometimes I’m okay with that. Other days I pray so hard for you to be the one I spend the rest of life with. I’m at a weird crossroads, and you seem to be so sure about something I need more time and information to decide. So I create distance that pains me because I feel like I’m hurting you and I don’t want to. I’ve never felt this way before but then again no one has shown me the care that you have. No one has been this open about their feelings for me as you, but I want to be with you for you. I want to get to know you and not just be taken away by how much you make me feel.
get to know you
I like you and you like me, that much is obvious, but let’s take this slow. I want to talk like friends, get to know you instead of incessant flirting that makes for surface level conversation. I don’t care if it takes time but I don’t want to let my feelings get away from me thinking your the love of my life only for it to end in heartbreak not just for me but for you.
having a moment
I wish I’d never met you.I wish your arms never wrapped around me. That you never asked me if I got home safe, Or that I never felt your chin on the top of my head.
I wish you never opened the car door or bought me ice cream. I wish you never flirted with any one but me I wish I had never answered your messages.
Had I known or been more cautious my heart wouldn’t be in such a deep hole.
We are not meant to be.
I wish we were. I wish we were headed in the same direction and wanted the same things out of life. I wish that we will meet later on and maybe this time it’ll be right. I wish you’ll open my car door, and buy me ice cream and hug me as you rest your chin on my head. I wish I’d never regret answering your messages and that getting home safe means coming home to you.
How?
Its so easy to fall for the wrong person. For the way they hug and how they care. For how they treat you right and everything’s perfect but then one thing feels off. You’re not headed the same direction or they don’t seem to click in conversation like another might. One crucial moment and you realize maybe it’s not it. One moment your heart is burning and the next you could consider another. You could feel on top of the world, but if they ask for more you are not so sure. But how do you decide? How do you know?
You won’t know
You have no idea
How I’m used to this.
Used to pretending,
That Nothing hurts.
Used to showing
It doesn’t affect me.
Used to moving on,
When I want to scream!
I won’t give you that.
You won’t know
How I’ve cried,
My bitter jealousy,
or the great love
you left behind.
You won’t know
That you had me
In your very palm
That you had
The unattainable.
what to do
Why are you so confident
Walking so damn tall
It’s like your heaven sent
Peeking over my wall
I feel so safe
I have to consciously fight
But how I crave
For you to see me in light
Do I know you enough
Do I let myself go
Will the fall be tough
Will I catch a blow
Or will you decide to stay
I wish I knew
I have to choose a play
Maybe it’s you
I am a victim of expectations, expectations my overachieving younger self had set naively before she knew how badly I could screw up. She didn’t know how much I would want peace in the middle of constant anxiety attacks. She didn’t know how much I would appreciate the simple life to keep my peace of mind. So she spread the word of her ambitions, and now I’m here, trying to grow and let other people know I am not the same person. I am tired and in need of rest. I can do good as I work on myself from right here. But my mom asks me how my goals are going and I haven’t the heart to tell her that I’m exhausted. So I sit everyday with her looming pride of who I wanted to be, and a knot in my soul wanting to scream that I’m no better than anyone else like she wants me to be. So I am stuck, a child who wanted to swallow the world but never matured enough to even take care of herself properly.