Old habits

Stopping old habits. One place I absolutely will not lie.

[addictdaybyday]

2 days

So I have two days. Everyone has to start somewhere. 

It sort of feels like that this doesn't count somehow, it is hard to explain.

Next stop: 5 days.

[addictdaybyday]

1 day

Hooray.

1 day done.

Next up: 2 days.

I struggle to remember the most I have been. The sad thing is it is probably from lack of interest or boredom, rather than specific will power or effort to stop. Maybe 7 days?

[addictdaybyday]

Total

It is hard to tot up the final score but I think it comes in at around £7.5k-£8k for just about the last 11 months. I've thrown out my older bank statements or I'd go further back.

I guess the money spent is all relative to what you earn. 

I have wasted 15 years of my life. That was so hard to sit down and do but I am so glad I did it.

So I guess I just gave myself about a £600 a month pay rise.

[addictdaybyday]

The last 12 months

Eesh. I have the values exported from my online banking to excel. Had them there all day. I think I am deliberately putting off doing the sums because I am scared about how much it will be.

And then multiply it by about 15.

[thoughtsofinsomnia]

I don’t even know what to say. Someone be proud, please.

[addictdaybyday]

I like this - workout how much you've saved. I'm honestly scared to think how much I have spent in the last... 15 years.

Just hit me. 15 years.

OK I am going to go back as far as my online banking allowed. But I would put the guess at around 8-9k. 

[addictdaybyday]

done

Quit all websites.

Will this time be different?

[addictdaybyday]

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD?

Liverpool winning. It's crazy how much of a difference that makes.

Indian food.

coding. Not necessarily my job, but coding for fun.

[addictdaybyday]

Thinking back

I honestly cannot remember it starting but I cannot remember a time without it either.

Earliest recollection? Has to be 18. I’m not sure I remember a specific time but its all much oh a muchness.

In room on my own, computer on. It’s funny I’m only now realising the solitary, reclusive nature if it. It’s like it is designed to make me withdraw. Got to be on your own. Spend your money. No money? Be on your own.

In my room computer on. Search, search, deliberate. Find the one tonight. Spend.

In the early days there wasn’t quite the hateful remorse. A sense it was wrong, but it was just something to handle.

From tiny acorns, I guess.

In my room on my own. Computer off. Sleep. Tomorrow? Repeat.

I think it was less frequent but not by design, probably money. It wasn’t like I said ‘I’ll wait a few days’. Sometimes it just didn’t happen.

Definitely whilst still at home, so pre uni. It wasn’t a parental issue, I was hugged and loved the correct amount. I had friends and girlfriends. It has just always been there. A habit I never picked up - a habit that just was. A habit that grew and grew.

[addictdaybyday]

The start

I lie in bed not entirely sure why to start this now. It might help. Tracking things, recording them, it is a start. You can only improve something if you record it, monitor it. Watch it in someway.

To do: quit all the websites (again) To do: Record money spent (again). And keep it up this time.

As of now, my best guess without being able to lookup all the details is that I have a 10k hole to dig myself out of.

Best get digging.

So I’m going to count from midnight.

I have (nearly) 2 hours.

Target 1: Get 1 day.