#qutting

[stellarium92]

Today I realised there’s a difference between quitting and giving up.

[cathedral-of-clouds]

Thinking of just quitting this blog and tumblr....???

[johnny-rokkit]

Making a tough decision

What do you do when the one thing that helps keep you going is a main contributor to holding you back?

So first things first. I've decided to quit smoking weed for a little, but here's my conundrum. On one hand, weed is the only thing that can help get me out of my own head when I'm super stressed/depressed/angry. On the other hand, I've definitely started smoking more lately, and it's been basically slowing all my progress to move on with life.

So, I'm going to give it up for a couple of weeks. The ideal situation (in my mind) is that I find a job within the next 2 weeks (I've already got some jobs lined up to apply for, so we'll see how it goes), and once I get my first paycheck, start bringing weed back into my life slowly (for at least until my insurance finally kicks in and I can start seeing someone to get some happy pills).

However, in the mean time, I've been thinking about getting my septum pierced. I'm kind of thinking that if the beginning of this week goes well job wise (whether it's getting an interview, or even actually getting hired), I may get my septum done on Thursday. 

[abakedpotato]

I've recently made some life decisions. Big ones. I am damn tired of being unhappy. And I've been pretty unhappy for awhile, the vast majority of the last year in fact.

I realized, finally, that when you sorta (not entirely) wish you'd died in your sleep every morning your alarm goes off for work, well, something needs to change. I mean, I knew that like we all know that, but I realized it finally as it pertains to me - as in I could actually do something to fix it so I should.

So I am.

Tomorrow I am quitting my job. I have spent 5 years giving these fuckers everything, doing everything for everyone, for little to no reward. I get paid decently for an entry level person, they will never give me the raise I deserve. They make me do things that give me panic attacks - hand have for the last 4 years (and has increased 10-fold lately). Any time someone leaves I get all of their responsibilities, and no help or training to figure out how. I've been promised for years that things will change, they haven't. I'm done.

I already canceled my lease, this was to prove to everyone I'd discussed it with that I'm serious. It was also so that I couldn't back out from fear, or procrastination. 

I broke down yesterday and told my boss, who is my friend first and foremost, I suspect I mainly talked to the friend portion yesterday. He's not happy, but he gets it. Telling him is another way of keeping myself on point. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself moving and not just shut down from the paralyzing fear.

I am scared shitless. I don't exactly have a job lined up, I'm moving back in with my parents, I'm going to be living in a place where I have historically not always made the most healthy decisions, I have no idea what I even want to do.

I am fortunate that I have parents that support my decision to walk away from this situation, and are willing to (yet again) fund my escape. They've wanted me to be back on principle, pretty much since I left, so they're oddly excited. I need to find a job quick and a place to live so that I don't land in a rut in that house - it's happened before. 

We'll see. Even though I've done the hardest part of quitting (telling my friend/boss who will be ridiculously screwed over without me) it's not official, making it official tomorrow is stressing me out. They're going to try and make me justify my decision, which is bullshit since I don't have to work for anyone I don't want to - but that's how these people are. HR will be the easiest, the COO and CEO will be the hardest. I will be exit interviewed and whatnot by everyone, and it will suck. The next 2 weeks of my life will be stress and drama and panic. 

I'm currently trying to write my resignation letter. I know I can't write "Screw you guys, I'm going home," but I so want to, and not even just for the whole when someone tries to get me to reconsider I can go "No. Screw. Home." and then scuttle off. It's the truth. I've been informed numerous times that I am not required to provide an explanation, and I know that, but I probably will give personal and health reasons when pressed. It's not untrue. 

The oddest thing I've got going on now is a [boyfriend] who agrees it's time for me to leave and is staying to help me pack. I mean, we're even less of a couple now than previous (apparently it's possibly) but nothing has changed between us really. We are facebook friends now, that's it. 

If everything works out the way it should, I will be home for my first Thanksgiving in 5 years. I have been fortunate I've had a loving place to go, and I will forever be grateful, but I miss being with my family each year too. And if, for just one year, I don't end up on the phone being passed around to everyone - even the people I don't usually talk to in general - well, that would be fantastic.

Wish me luck, Quit-this-shit Day is tomorrow.

[allmyrandomconfessions]

I don't know if I can crawl out of the hole that I've landed in. I have a huge support system but they can't fight the inner demons, and I'm not sure I'd let anyone even if they could. I'm terrified that pulling the cord on the farce of the life I've trapped myself in is a huge mistake. I don't know how it can be, in my more rational "up" moments, since I wake up every morning wishing I'd died in my sleep. How can leaving that be a bad thing? It's not, and somewhere I really know that it's exactly what I need to do. I can't survive like I've been going for a whole lot longer, it's killing me and I can't hide it anymore. I have to find the courage to quit, break up with/evict the boyfriend that never puts out, and then do all of the things a grown-up does when they move. So much to do, so much that should have been done so long ago.

[addictdaybyday]

The last 12 months

Eesh. I have the values exported from my online banking to excel. Had them there all day. I think I am deliberately putting off doing the sums because I am scared about how much it will be.

And then multiply it by about 15.

[de-la-nuit]

will not quit.

will not give up, will not. ever.

[ttlxx]

I NEED EVERY LIKE AND REBLOG POSSIBLE

For every note i get, i will not smoke for a day. 

So say i get 30 notes, i wont smoke for a month.

Please guys, i need this help so much!