A six year old Satyabhama saw the 13 or 14 year old Krishna killing Kamsa. As the girl who has seen the atrocities of Kamsa first hand being a Yadava Princess, Satya was instantly taken by this young boy who easily killed Kamsa and freed Mathura and the world of Kamsa's tyranny. It wasn't a surprise that Satya almost hero-worshipped him. After all, the whole of Mathura did. He was their beloved Prince. Often following her father around, Satya kept trying to steal glances of this Prince of Mathura.
At 13 years, Satya desperately wishes that Krishna would at least notice her existence. She has let this shyness cross long enough without ever even having a single conversation with this man who has taken up space in all her brain. But it would seem rather tasteless for a Yadava Kumari to act like a damn fool. As itself, Krishna has several admirers. All the women who see him are enchanted by him. They say that his words are sweet as honey and his eyes are deep as the ocean. Satya wondered what his lips taste like. The budding youth sure is becoming a problem.
Satya watches Krishna battle the army of Jarasandha. The ease he has, the grace he has, the very fact that Krishna is always in control of the situation. It wasn't long before she decided that she wants to be equal as him, almost surprising Satrajit when his soft and delicate lotus like daughter demands that she wants to learn war-craft. Of course, Kshatriya kanyas have some Warcraft training but Satya has by far always been the girl interested in painting, dancing, writing poetry or playing around with her friends. Chanchala.
The first time Satya let's her existence known to Krishna was when she suggested a way to tackle an economic issue. 13-year-old Satya and the 21-year-old Krishna. Balarama almost takes it as a childish attempt but Krishna looks confident in the idea. Satya was over the moon especially when the dark skinned prince threw her a majestic smile and said, "You're quite a surprise, Bhama. You don't mind if I call you Bhama, do you?"
Of course Satyabhama doesn't mind. A whole new dimension among people who call her Satrajiti. Sure, Satyabhama loved being her father's daughter. After all, she was her father's little girl. She loved being that but the way Krishna calls her 'Bhama', it causes are budding youth to be enchanted by him far more than anything. His rather silky voice and honey sweet words. It slips through her defences like butter.
Satyabhama was having a conversation with Krishna about how Dwaraka could have an upper hand if they took up more trade. Probably from foreign lands past the sea when someone mentioned the Princess of Vidharbha.
"The Princess of Vidharbha is simply a sight to behold, to be honest. She surely is the loveliest person."
"Princess of Vidharbha?" Krishna asked, almost jumping over to the men talking about it. "I've been hearing her name quite some places. Who is she?"
"Rajkumari Rukmini is the only daughter of Raja Bhishmaka of Vidharbha. His youngest child. The only sister of five elder brothers. Perhaps the most beautiful woman in Aryavarta."
Satyabhama was the first person to whom Krishna confided that he was probably in love with the Princess of Vidharbha.
Satya often wondered about this Princess Rukmini. One who is golden. She wonders if she was even half as beautiful as they claim Rukmini to be. Sometimes, deep in her heart, Satyabhama admits to being jealous of her.
"Sometimes, I feel so restless that I wish I could simply run off to Vidharbha and just stand by her balcony waiting for her to show up to see the sun." Krishna admits. The lovestruck look in his eyes. Satya wishes to rage and break things exactly how broken she feels but she contains herself. She is Yadava Rajkumari. It is beneath them to react so badly. Or at least show it.
"I'm sure she also loves you, Dwarikadeesh. Who could really not love you?"
"You haven't seen her. She looks like she is the sun itself. Bright as the sun. Almost fair as a lotus. Her smile is like the moon dipped in red. Her hands are smooth like butter." He sighed. "I wish you had seen her. Maybe then you would know why I cannot sleep at night."
Satya wishes she could have hated Rukmini when she heard "Our Dwarikadeesh has married Rajkumari Rukmini. Surely there isn't a more beautiful pair in the world." But she did not say a word. Satya was prideful to ever say anything beneath the stature of a Yadava.
But she wished she could truly hate Rukmini when she met her for the first time and instantly realized why Krishna was so enchanted by her. The woman was the sweetest person she had come across. Almost as if someone had poured in all the loving compassion and hope bright as the early morning sun and stuffed it inside Patrani of Dwarika. Satya had never seen a person leave her palace without eating or without being offered something.
"Satya, I was thinking that if you could join me and Subhadra at the Yadava council..." Rukmini expressed her thoughts when the two ran into each other at the altar of Vishnu.
"Me? My father thinks I am too young for it. After all, I am just sixteen. You are Dwarikadeesh's Patrani so naturally you will have to have a seat at the council. I don't think I will enjoy it much. Though I am well-versed in political science, administration and economics, my father would suggest I should enjoy my childhood." Satya laughed.
Rukmini gave a chuckle but Satya could tell that it wasn't the most cheerful one. She had heard her cheerful laughter before. It seems like all of the nature around her blossoms when she laughs with her heart.
But when Krishna came to her asking if she would take his place in the council, Satya was surprised. Subhadra was taking Rukmini's place and Krishna hoped she would take his. Satya just could not say no to Krishna. Curse her love for him. She did agree to it even if her father vehemently disagreed to it.
11 years. Rukmini Krishna had done a penance for 11 years. Devaki was rather loud in her complaints as to why a Rishi would suggest a 11 year penance to a newly wed couple? All of Dwarika was aware of her complaints. But the moment Satya heard "Dwarikadeesh and Maharani are back", Satya raced out of her home to see her Krishna. 11 painful years she had spent pining away for him. Turning down every proposal her father brought for her. Satya could not imagine herself to belong to anyone but Krishna. The desperate and hopeless love she bore for him would never allow her to be touched by any other man. She belonged to Madhav. Only Madhav.
The first one who realised that Satyabhama was far from having just friendly affection for Krishna was Revati. She could tell. Spending way more hours at work than any other person in Dwaraka. Most of them in Krishna's study. Always over working herself. Sometimes falling asleep there. Revati would notice the sleepy "Krishna..." being muttered without Satyabhama's knowledge. Or the way Satyabhama would spend the full moon nights in Krishna's gardens. Sometimes even crying. Cursing her fate as to why he never noticed her like he always noticed Rukmini. Complaining away to the moon and almost cursing the moon for burning her longing for the man who always saw her as 'Little Bhama'. Revati could tell that Satrajiti was in love with Krishna the way she stared at the yellow robes that Krishna wore. The peacock feathers, the night jasmine flowers, the tulsi plants. No one cared so much for those tulsi plants like Satyabhama did.
It wasn't long before majority of Dwaraka could tell that the daughter of Satrajit was in love with the Lord of Dwaraka.
Balrama and Revati did not know how Rukmini would react to it. The two seemed to be on friendly terms when she left.
Krishna gave Satyabhama a sweet smile when he met her. Krishna's hug was friendly but Satyabhama had been burnt alive with the painful longing she felt for him and how he was still on the friendly side. She would cherish whatever Madhav gave her.
Unlike Madhav's hug, Vaidharbhi's hug was like the cooling ocean. As if all the coolness of the oceans resided in her. Satyabhama could swear she would have burst into tears at how long she had experienced the pain of always being one sided. Satyabhama wonders that perhaps the Patrani of Krishna must have figured out her unrequited love for the man who was the Queen's husband. She couldn't meet her eyes. Would Rukmini hate her? Would they become foes? Her maids tell her ridiculous stories about how women always tear apart each other when their lover is the same. Always trying to villianize the other in their lover's eyes. Rukmini's friendship was a teenage comfort that Satyabhama had. A comfort she didn't wish to give away. Her maids allowed her to let that nonsense reach her head.
Satyabhama almost felt like she had received amrit itself when Krishna met up with her late at night. She hadn't been able to sleep much. She went up by the docks hoping the sea would offer some comfort. That was when she met Krishna. "Bhabhi told me that you've enchanted all of the Yadava council so much that they want you to be there permanently." Krishna said with a chuckle.
"It wasn't the council who I wish was enchanted by me, Madhav." She replied.
He looked up at her. Noticing for the first time that his little Bhama had grown up quite a lot. No longer the little girl he remembers her as. Not the 16 year old. Bhama was beautiful. Exactly like the earth. The unchallenged beauty of the nature. Her eyes exactly as brown as the tree bark.
He chuckled. "It's a far fetched silliness to think that you would not be able to enchant someone, Bhama. The thing is that you simply don't have that sort of confidence that you can win someone's love. Would a man not love the soft caress? Would a man not love the outrageous way you spend on your loved ones? Would a man not love the deep earthy brown tones in your eyes? Would a man not love the slight possessiveness you have over your loved ones? Would a man not love how loyal you are? Would a man not love the purity that you are?"
Satyabhama had spent far too long in the pain of being the only one in the relationship to ever notice exactly what Krishna thought or knew about her. He gave her some sweet amla that he brought. "You always liked them. So, I thought I should have some made for you. Bhabhi makes them really well." She never expected him to remember it. "Whether you believe it or not, Bhama. You are special to me."
Satyabhama had not even gotten out of that dreamy state of hearing "You are special to me" when her father accused Krishna of stealing the infamous stone. Satyabhama's arguments went unheard by her father. Just when she thought that she could win her Madhav's heart, things had come down crashing again. Why would Madhav ever become friendly with this man who put such a heinous accusation on him of theivery and murder?
Satyabhama had just heard that Krishna had returned with the stone but when she met with him in the council, there was a girl standing next to him. Almost a forest girl. As if she was a part of tribes. Wild flower garland around her neck and a similar one around Krishna's. She simply held on to Krishna's uttariya, a little uncomfortable around the city dwellers. The people of forest hardly got along well with city dwellers. She felt cheated for the first time. She never felt cheated when Krishna arrived Dwaraka with Rukmini. Of course she knew Krishna held no romantic feelings for her whatsoever while his romantic affection for Rukmini ran deeper than the sea over which Dwaraka was situated. But seeing this forest girl with Krishna, she felt cheated. As if someone stole away what belonged to her. She hated the girl. She wished she could hate Krishna for playing with her feelings.
The shock came over when Satrajit asked Krishna to marry Satyabhama. Satya didn't want to be a pity case. Her father pitied Satyabhama's unrequited love for Krishna and decided to ask Krishna himself. Satyabhama vehemently raged on. She was not some apology gift or some pity case. She didn't need sympathy. She especially did not need someone else telling Krishna how long she had pined for him. Embarrassing her far more before Jambavati.
Jambavati was not sweet tongued like Rukmini. She was crass and straight forward. Almost bluntly honest. Satyabhama had no difficulty having a difficult relationship with the harsh tongued Jambavati. Especially after the woman had somehow become Rukmini's darling. The nerve of this forest girl to steal everyone who belonged to her. But Satya knew. Jambavati was honest. She did not believe in sugar coating or lying or pretending otherwise.
"My Satrajiti has always been enamoured by you Krishna. She refuses to marry anyone because she has always loved you. From the day you killed Kamsa, she has loved you." Satrajit told Krishna much to Satyabhama's rage.
"Pitashree, i understand your concerns and the rights you have over me but my feelings are my own. I do not need someone's pity. Especially not Madhav's. Lest I have to kill myself knowing that everything I cherish would be reduced to simply pity." Satyabhama complained before everyone. "My feelings are my own, pitashree. I did not give anyone else the right to decide. I am much happier being someone who loves Keshav from afar instead of dying every second of my life knowing that Keshav simply accepted me because you worry that I will never have anyone in my life. I don't want pity. I don't want simple acceptance. I am a Yadava, Satrajiti Satyabhama. Either I want to have Keshav's love or nothing."
Keshav laughed at that. Almost piercing through her injured soul. "Bhama, sometimes I wonder if you are naive or you simply decide to ignore everything before you. For someone who has known me longer than Rukmini or Jambavati, you should have known. I accept nothing short of love. It is either love or nothing. I gave you my friendship because you offered it to me. You came to me with a gift of friendship and I gave it back. You showered the love of friendship at me and I showered it back. You never expressed any romantic love for me and I never knew it. Perhaps if you had the courage to express it before I would have returned. Not because I pity you. Because you have been special to me, you are special to me and you will always be till the time Narayana exists. You assumed all this pity party" Krishna said, totally shaking her down to the ground. A rude awakening that perhaps the whole pain she had was because she didn't ever have the courage to express what she really felt. Rukmini had Krishna's love because she didn't hide how he did capture her heart.
The day her father placed her hand over Krishna's while the priest recited the mantras, Satyabhama had been extremely happy. Especially because Krishna had the most loving smile on his face when he held her hand. A silent promise that he would cherish her forever. That was the day, Satyabhama promised herself that she would always keep this little part of Krishna that now she owned safely kept within the cage of her heart. She had always belonged to Madhav. But now, Madhav belonged to her too. It was no longer just Madhav. It had become Satyabhama Madhav.
For a while, having the stupid ideas that her maids filled within her head, Satyabhama did keep herself very aware of Rukmini. Worrying that Rukmini would not let her become Krishna's beloved wife. Though Krishna never treated Rukmini any different. She was still his Patrani. The moment someone said Rukmini, Krishna always flashes a smile. Like her very name would enlighten his mood. Satyabhama did feel a little jealous but now she knew that Satyabhama too held a part of him. The way he would sneak into her room deep in night whispering "Bhama, are you awake? I can't sleep..." or the way his arm was wrapped around her when she wakes up in the morning. Or the way Krishna passes her a wink when they're trying to talk about business matters. His cheery and flirty smile when she's trying to be serious.
But Krishna must have realized the growing distance between her and Rukmini. So, he took her and Rukmini to a trip and almost disappeared, leaving them alone. It was awkward to her at first. Rukmini was relaxed as always. "You know, back in Vidharba, my father used to take me to boating trips. It were rare but I always liked them. Maybe because he would generally be busy and that was the only time he would spend with me which would be purely dedicated to Rukmini. I sometimes miss that. Just being Rukmini. Just letting it be about Rukmini." She said, staring into the lake.
"I don't think there could be anything better than being Krishna's Patrani. Everyone calls you Dwarikeshwari. The Goddess of Dwaraka. Being Rukmini Dwarikadeesh." Satyabhama commented. "What I wouldn't give to be Krishna's first love."
Rukmini laughed at the idea. "First love? That's preposterous, Satyabhama. The idea of first love is that I was the first person he loved and now there is another person. That's far from the truth. I had been his love, I am his love and I'll always be his love. Neither can I change it nor do I wish to. True. Krishna's love is absolutely blissful. Filling my days and nights with joy. I wouldn't want to change it for anything. The thing is just this much. I had been Bhismakaputri. Vaidharbhi. Rajkumari Rukmini. Then I became Krishnapriya. Then Krishnapatni. Then Dwarikeshwari. Soon I'll become Maa. Out of all this, I wish to be just Rukmini for a while. Just plain Rukmini. Not Krishna's wife. Not his child's mother. Not Vidharbha's Princess. Just Rukmini."
Satyabhama almost fell into the lake. "Y...yo..you are p...pregnant?" She asked, almost stuttering.
Rukmini smiled. "I found out just this morning. Missed my monthly menstrual bleeding. Had been suffering morning sickness for quite some mornings. Suddenly becoming averse to certain smells. The signs were telltale." She said with a chuckle.
"The nerve of that peacock feathered-" Satyabhama held her tongue, "How dare he hide this from me?"
"Oh, no one knowns. Krishna especially doesn't know."
"I'm the first one to know this???"
Satyabhama did not what to say. She chose to confide in her the first? Not Jambavati? Not Revati bhabhi or Devaki maa?
"Did you go meet a healer? How far are you? If you're pregnant then why in the name of Gauri are you prancing around trekking in forests where wild animals roam. Especially why are you talking about boat rides which can drown you? Why haven't you told Madhav yet?" Satyabhama began her fuzzing over.
"Satyabhama, calm down. Easy. I haven't met with a healer yet. I'm only 80% sure that it is pregnancy. If I tell Krishna before confirming it, he will go crazy. Just like you and if it turns out false, he will start acting gloomy. It is the most unnerving thing to have a gloomy Krishna around. I want to be sure before I tell him."
"Rukmini, we are going back to Dwaraka right now and the first thing you are doing is meeting with a healer." Satyabhama made it clear. She was in-charge now.
"Actually, I suggested the place because just around here there is a celebrated healer. People say that her accuracy is far more than anyone else in Aryavarta. They say she has blessing from Vaidhyanath and Ashwini Kumar themselves. So, I thought I could meet up before the news spreads out. People are Dwaraka are far too emotional. No healer will keep their lips closed. They're going to tell someone and the news will spread. Before I have a plan on how to tell people this."
Satyabhama was all too glad to accompany her co-wife to a dingy old Hut in middle of a forest. She almost complained the whole way up to the place. Telling Rukmini how stupid the idea was but still happy that she was going to find out with Rukmini.
When the old woman confirm Rukmini's pregnancy, Satyabhama almost was willing to give away all the jewellery she wore them as gift to that old lady.
"I don't give a damn about what you want but I am in charge of this baby, now. So, everything you eat, drink, smell, see, touch, hear or even think of has to be monitored by me. You cannot take anything which has not been approved by me. Make no mistake, Rukmini, if you even a little bit take liberties then I will make you regret it." Satyabhama declared. Rukmini laughed.
"Wouldn't dream of transgressing the great Satyabhama."
"Good." Satyabhama smiled. It was after a long time that she had really felt that same bonding with this woman who was her close friend in her teenage. Satyabhama hugged Rukmini.
The comfort was that Satyabhama knew that Rukmini did say "I missed you too Satya" without saying it.
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