[adiba-nekochan]

It's papaya season ♥️

Also this is one of those random things I said to my dad is good, and now every evening has papaya as a snack :')

I'm also very thankful to Allah that he blessed me with my dad, who would go out no matter how sunny it is outside to buy something for me that I randomly said one day, and then would cut them up for me and would bring them to me. Alhamdulillah.

[adiba-nekochan]

I had a childhood home that I still see in my dreams even though it's been 15 years it has been sold.

I loved that home. I loved every single part of that place. The ground floor which has that one corridor that's always dark no matter how sunny it is outside.

2nd floor where dada used to stay, his cane always hanging at that one spot when you enter, the strong scent of his ator which filled his room which was not too over powering.

We lived on the third floor and I loved every single corner of that place. The huge living area which covered two thirds of the entire floor, the very comforting kitchen where mom used to cook and sing. The dining area where I was always seated next to my dad and then when my brother came he took that place and I happily gave that to him. My room which was weirdly a trapezium shaped one. My parents room which was filled with my mom's cosmetics and dad's perfumes.

But there was one place next to the dining room, where I could see the trees, the sky and the sunlight would hit magically illuminating the entire house. That was my most favourite spot. I even slept there on the last night before heading to Armanitola.

I hated this place. It never felt home. It took a while, and finally Armanitola felt like my home again. But this one spot here, reminds me of my old home and somehow became a favourite spot for me.

[adiba-nekochan]

"Get the fuck out of my life. You've made it worse ever since you've entered my life"

I've heard things about my which remained, all throughout my life, especially from the people I loved and would have moved mountains for.

I'm not homely, I'm not a woman enough to be a wife, I act like a 16 year old: these are all from a person that I loved to the extent that I even changed myself.

And now, on multiple occasions when things get tough, when I know I am being tough to deal with, I get to hear that I have ruined the person's life for whom I was willing to wait, would give all I had to help him and be there for him.

I had hurt him too. I said I'd leave the minute I find the chance. But what chance? He was my chance of actually having my own family tbh. And I knew the minute these words came out my mouth, I didn't mean it.

I just wanted him to know how it feels when he tells me to leave.

The one for whom I stood against my own, held my ground, gave up my dream of a big family, that very personal screamed "get the fuck out of my life".

Am I unworthy of love? Will this also leave a deep mark that I'll have to carry forever?

He broke up, he'll move on.

I just have to pick the pieces myself again and move forward, with this set of new scars.

I'm not going back. Adiba, don't. After promising you to tie the knot, and then weeks later if he says to get the fuck out from his life, you've made his life he'll ever since you entered, it's not worth it.

[adiba-nekochan]

One Piece, it's more than an anime to me.

I was from the generation that knew the "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, ho ho! Set sail for One Piece" intro on Cartoon Network.

It taught me about friendship, kindness, dreaming and to believe in dreams no matter how small or big they are, and that to be ambitious.

I was just a silly 11 year old who was in awe of the crew Luffy made.

Somewhere, growing up, it got blurry and I just stopped watching it.

And then, an unexpected love brought be back to One Piece. Binge watched the anime, and then my relationship with him got blurry but I held on to One Piece.

Caught up on the manga also.

And then it stopped because life was hitting me hard day after day.

But watching the live action adaptation, I felt those same emotions that the little Adiba felt when she watched it for the first time on her TV right after completing her homework.

Thank you Oda. Thank you Netflix.

I think I owe this to myself to document my happy emotions as well here.

[adiba-nekochan]

This is a generation where we are all struggling with something. We may look happy; going out on weekends or feeling that adrenaline of Thursday night, but it's just a facade, or maybe a temporary distraction.

Growing up, getting good grades in O and A levels to secure a spot in a good university, fighting for that seat in that said university, then waiting for that mail or acceptance for your "dream job", getting multiple rejections and then finally loving your work rather than the work place and it's still not enough.

Because you're not married. You're not a mother. You're in your late 20s and single and childless. Was this my worth all along: to be a wife to have kids to be acceptable in society as a successful woman?

Then why did I waste my years hoping to have a good career if it all boils down to me being a wife and a mother?

I know I'm loved at home. But despite that, I am aware of the fact that slowly as time is passing by, I am becoming a burden, to my parents and to my siblings too.

Why is it not okay to accept that a person doesn't want to get married? And why is it okay to accept that the person ends up accepting that they just have to marry?

The visits from the matchmakers, the hope I see in my mom's eyes when they talk about a proposal and then I get to see that very hope dying when I get rejected for having grey hair, for being dark, for being old because I'm not a perky 23 years old and that I want to continue working but they just want a stay at home mom and a nanny for their son.

Why am I burden when all I want is to be just be happy by myself?

[adiba-nekochan]

Is it only me or most of the millennials who only knew and loved and breathed black, grey or dark blue, are now drawn towards bright colours?

I have discovered a new and profound love towards the colours pink and yellow.

Look at my work desk, three years ago all I had was a pen stand. And now it looks like a beamy happy 13 year old girl threw up here; not that I mind though.

Is it just me?

[adiba-nekochan]

I'll wait for my next morning tea over there with you, again. (at Sajek Seni Lushai Cottage & Restaurant) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChefmLNPQGRVVfRPwXBIU3UoIW0M4cxBEDID6o0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[adiba-nekochan]

Maybe when Khaled Hosseini wrote the part where Pari closed her eyes and saw the hazy strings of mountains, I hope I was able to experience a fraction of that scene here. (at 𝚂𝚊𝚓𝚎𝚔 𝚅𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢-সাজেক ভ্যালিツ) https://www.instagram.com/p/CheeeXxvWTW-d5tQC1U8X3-gg2Anc5tww-bJMs0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[adiba-nekochan]

Throwback to that fun Eid day with all my siblings, ohalamoni, khalu, api, nana, amma and papa. Blessed to see all of these introverts actually going out on Eids, just to spend a little bit more time with us. https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg8y7dWP_GvJkStWegUIwvqdnhtdGkd1Uo2i6o0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[adiba-nekochan]

We do communicate, when we're sad, depressed, lonely or just need company.

But when we get misunderstood by the other end, we stop communicating.

Maybe that's why it comes as a shock, when we hear someone is depressed and they took their life.

It's because they never saw the extend of our sadness. They never saw it. They knew, but they never comprehended it. That's why it comes as a shock to them.

[adiba-nekochan]

You will always be loved my sweet little sister.

I've never considered you my cousin but my own sister. I always dreamt of pampering you since your big sister is no longer poor like she used to.

I always dreamt of dressing yourself with cute shoes, skirts, bags and head bands, something I failed to provide to my other sisters.

You came in the most perfect time dear sister. I'd have showered you with love, kindness, warmth, gifts and candies. I'd have been the big sister for you that you can confide in.

I'd have been your guardian, your fun companion and the one to whom you'd be able to demand for anything.

And I'd have loved you unconditionally. I'd have showered you with nothing but love.

But God has other plans for you. He took you away from us after waiting for 9 months for you.

In a way, I'm glad you get to go to heaven again my sweet little sister. This world is harsh and cruel. And I know I'd have failed you somehow.

You're safe now. I'm glad you're safe again.

But your sister misses you alot.

[adiba-nekochan]

Why would you give me hope and joy if she was meant to be taken away.

This is for you Khalamoni. You're so strong and kind, yet you always face hardships. You're heart is heavy and you can't take it right now. I wish there was a way to make this heavy feeling go away. I really wish you weren't given this hope to begin with, just to be taken away when the time came. You'll heal, but the place will remain empty.

Allah took his gift back.

[adiba-nekochan]

Gaining weight, losing hair, still not getting the hang out of adulting, but making it through one day at a time with these two by my side. https://www.instagram.com/p/CDZk0nmFm8K/?igshid=14w6cgfub5wwr

[adiba-nekochan]

I got horns, I got wings, I'm a wanted dark wizard and im finally a Slytherin, all while being a hijabi. 9 year old Adiba's dream came true https://www.instagram.com/p/CDHWENBl8voJPFuBP2LVSOnpso_4b2_wbfsBjc0/?igshid=eszgvubcv8wg

[adiba-nekochan]

I'll always be lost for words when it comes to describe what this artwork means to me and how precious this is to me. All I can say is, I'll always be grateful that I crossed paths with you, got to know you and you've presented a part of you to me through his.

[adiba-nekochan]

[adiba-nekochan]

#OneBigPlate #thaiemerald https://www.instagram.com/p/B4A4tC9ln-e/?igshid=1ukt5u3ah7aya