The Story Book

unfinished

[adowdydiary]

Chapter 19: Depression

https://medium.com/@isaiahlustre

When I saw this guy, I was wondering what if he haven't dont it? Will he be noticed? Will his voice be heard? Why one has to sacrifice himself to spread the word? I was wondering why? Why would he do such thing even though he is loved bu many people? Because he had to. He had to end his suffering and no one stopped him for doing so. No one did stopped him.

Dear best friend, where were you when I needed you the most? Why ignore me? I just need an ear of someone to listen my agony and response you heard. Have you keeping my messages on archive? Where were you when I needed you the most? You know you were there for me since acne breakdown and I feel everyone hates me. Even in group chats by class/friends/organization I am ignored. Will I also pull out the trigger? You may have thought I was and am happy in relationships but I am not because you aren't part of it. I'm scared of you commenting that I'm imperfect that's why I can't say about him. I'm scared of being judge and hungry for your acceptance but as I realize if you were really my best friend, you would be there with me all times but you aren't.

Dear friend, you know Mordecai is a good man for you, just keep hanging on that relationship if you must but don't be a fool out of love, okay? Thankyou for being there and reaching out always. I always feel so sorry, I couldn't mix you in the group; including Daniel and Hen Lin. There are ⚡️ because I feel like you three are being judged by the group as I hear side comments and hence I don't want a plastic group. I thought everything will be fine and okay but it isn't. People are going to judge of you what matter you are. This is what keeping me from standing.

[adowdydiary]

Nasan ka?

Nasan ka noong kailangan kita?

Nasan ka nung nangiwan sila?

Nasan ka nung umiiyak ako?

Nasan ka, wala ka man lang sa tabi ko?

Kaibingan nga ba kita?

Bakit di na kita nakikita?

Di na kita nakakausap

Di na kita nahahagilap

Nasan ka ba?

Nasan ka nung kailangan kita?

Nung nangiwan lahat sila?

Nasan ka ba?

Bakit ka nawala?

Tatlong buwan ako umiyak

Tatlong buwan wala akong halakhak

Mas iniyakan pa kita kaysa kanya

Alam mo ba yun?

Mas masakit mawalan ng kaibigan kasya ma hiwalayan

Nasan ka ba nung kailangan kita?

Nasan kita nung gabi gabi ako umiiyak

Nasan ka ba?

Di na kita kilala

[staff]

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[adowdydiary]

noted!

[adowdydiary]

"I buildup my motivation to get things done but it gets drained too"

- Me to Myself

[adowdydiary]

Chapter 18: Deadlines

I'm motivtedly challenged. Where do I get motivation? Im deeply in sorrow. In some parts I wanna die but I don't wanna fail. SO MANY RESPONSIBILITIES yet so little time to do it all at once. Im sick and angered

[adowdydiary]

Chapter 17: Ignorance

Somtimes both of us get frustrated when Im the only one who gets to be commanded around the house all the time. I've got homeworks too and the best line she said "Don't dwell too much diyan sa homeworks, help around the house" 😒but then when she sees the grades "That score's so low, You could do better!" Where can I get encouragement that says 'Good Job! Atleast you passed and you're still hanging even you dont much that passion in that course you're taking. How could I stay motivated with her getting sicker by the day because of daily chemo drug intake and thinking we're currently financially unstable, dad's having problems how to pay the bills. Should I leave for abroad na? Oh yeah we're financially unstable pala nga

[adowdydiary]

Chapter 17: Children are the heroes of the future

Children dream and sometimes we treat dreams as of imaginations by our minds while we're in our deep sleep. Sometimes these may have waken up us because it's a nightmare kind of one. Your loved one will comfort you and just say its just a dream, its all in your head. Imagination sometimes may lead to prophecies that have a deeper meaning. These may serve as a warning or a heads up to alert you that this will happen and be prepared and you should act fast and not be surprised. May some of you have a deja vou experience both consistently and continuously which miraculously gives us goosebumps. Sometimes it does feel like where Zoo animals being watched over or this time frame we are now have already happend and we're just replaying it with different choices but with the same purpose.

[adowdydiary]

Chapter 16: Unknown Story

Sweet 16 as you may say and the heartache already faded away. It is indeed bittersweet months that had passed by, I lost a friend and I wonder if will I ever regain again? I whole heartedly am sorry but you kind of deserve it, all of you. I ain’t mean and I ain’t karma but I try my best to be best friend I could be! I may have mistakes but sometimes scenarios are just meant to happen because of a whole lot of reasons. I do admit its my fault but dont smother the peanutbutter all over me, you had you’re part of the problem too. We all are part of the problem why some people die, commit suicide or why there is war ongoing. There may be visions from different people saying wholesome stuff that the second coming is near. I am afraid and I surrender because who am I to ridicule and boast of what or who I am? We are all equal children of God and brother of Jesus.

[adowdydiary]

Chapter 15: Escalator

It happened so fast and things changed so fast. Sometimes I wish I have the ability to keep the best of both worlds 😶 Everything escalated quickly. You maintained to be sweet the last time we had exchange messages. I missed the days of you texting or messages of how are you and I love you and that you will never leave me for any sort of damn reason. Recently, you don’t respond to my messages or texts. I wonder why? Do I have a bug to get off? Do I have a glitch? Its feels inconsistent that you don’t message me anymore. I do really miss you alot but it seems I need also to let you go. We have been together for almost two months, Im struggling that every freaking person I encounter says he’s not good for me and Im too good for him. We’re incompatible basically. If this last longer, I can timbre anytime now and sing with Elsa. 

[adowdydiary]

Chapter 14: Elevator

Its so amazing how someone sensational would be even. I couldn’t even believe I shot the gun College does really changes everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING. I do wanna believe some friends would be a little sad that I broke the promise that I won’t have one till I graduate as I always mention before. But this is different, its a feeling and experience that would forever change my typical journal of eat, sleep, study and surf the net. 

14th August is my birthday and I couldn’t believe that exactly on this precious blog of mine would divert from moving on to actually moving on and finding someone who will be there and not imaginary after classes to breathe and release toxins. I feel so happy like being in an elevator going up and singing like an angel. As I write this, it started to rain again and he loves the rain as much I do but there are times I wonder, is it a good sign or the universe is crying because I broke a promise. 

[adowdydiary]

Chapter 13: Suspecious

Alot of the times I see TV shows with much many of dramas that always ends sometimes terrible with the or a girl getting hurt or the boy in some cases. A few weeks ago its was by surprise of storm I was asked. Not only that, it is such a perfect timing just right a week after writing Chapter 12 of this journal. I do believed once this is just all a prank or maybe a dare. It was such a surprise why would he even. It was also such a surprise all of a sudden. I don’t wanna get into something I ain’t sure. Will I go for it?

[adowdydiary]

CHAPTER 12: AM Thoughts

People come by and go like everyone’s got an expiration date whether its existence or companionship. Sometimes its a stranger that comes by and leaves but then returns and leaves again. Sometimes its  mixed signal that no one really understands if it’s a coincidence that happened or meant to be. Maybe we were meant to be that way, maybe it is a sign we’ll see each other again and meant to be or not. I sacrificed a lot of things and try to strive deeply throughout the means. I still try to remove the thoughts of negativity in my head, a video clip of madness and death of different things and everyday things I encounter. The only thing I wanted to do is to confront, say it out loud on the airplain take-offs that sorry, i loved you, and I dislike you at the same time. Sorry I wasnt plain, sorry I couldnt get hints, sorry I messed up. Im doing this for my own good and for you, its not yet the right time I believe, life is long yet short like when walking going to a certain place would take a while  compared to when by a vehicle you would just take a few minutes. Like life, like the songs, just take it slow and enjoy while deadline is still unknown. Live a healthy life and YOLO. I did regret not saying some certain things because maybe just maybe when I’ll get over you, maybe that’s the time Im ready to say Hello again.

hugs, teddy hugs. Fiela

[earth]

I’d rather look back at my life and say “I can’t believe I did that!” Instead of sayin, “I wish I did that…”

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[adowdydiary]

Chapter 11: Forgetting

I have troubles not thinking about Johnny, he keeps popping in my social media accounts of his selfies or tweets. I still do get attracted and I don’t know why still. Currently, Im still striving to change people to adore but I just won’t work, there’s always the spark of him in my heart. I want to forget.

There were a lot of nominees in this stand in the codenames of Purple, Nightmare, The singer, the Party Goer and Corncobs. Still whenever I see just a simple picture of him, my heart couldnt stop beating. I need a distraction; my studies.

[adowdydiary]

Dicisplining myself

Emotion: Maybe I need someone..

Me: NO I SHOULD NOT THINK ABOUT THID BECAUSE IM GONNA LOSE MY PARENTS' TRUST IN ME IF I GET ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE EVEN I REALLY NEED ONE.

Emotion: Its true, but will you be able to make it last right after graduation? You seem down to the pit, I feel so worried.

Me: I need to be independent and be strong girl

Emotion: Yes you can do that but you need someone to make you feel special atleast to get you off depression

Me: I dont need anyone, just friends are alright

Emotion: Friends have limits and are in a category but this what I think of is the real answer to get tou out there

Me: I still need to graduate

Emotion: How about your anxiety? Somebody needs to give you a daily dose of huggies or not youll suffer

Me: thats why there are teddy bears and stuff toys for that. Dont have to worry if theyll be available next time because theyre always there

[adowdydiary]

I need to stay positive, I need to get people real with me

myself

[adowdydiary]

I became friends with her because my mom forces me to do so just because my mom and hers are friends

Karen