i am joe's white knuckles

adrienne // 29 // bay area, california

[animations-daily]

Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) • dir. Hayao Miyazaki

[animepopheart]

★ 【Say HANa】 「 Lucy 🌙 」 ☆ ✔ republished w/permission ⊳ ⊳ follow me on instagram

[almarockero]

[japanpix]

[sinnamonrolldice]

[kittenstern]

I fell in love with a feeling

And your funny faces

You were beautiful and broken

In all the right places

I am sorry

That I can’t stay

And I am sorry

We’re light years away

[thetrippyterrestrial]

Everything is clear in the rearview mirror

Fun fact: today (Valentine's Day) is my birthday 💕

[theartsyproject]

Marcel Duchamp, Portrait of Chess Players, 1911.

[tsarsbride]

“Melancholia : it’s a habitual feeling of our imperfection… It can also be a product of ideas about a certain perfection that is not found either in ourselves or in others, in the objects of our pleasure or in nature.”

Definition of the melancholia by Diderot in the Encyclopédie 

Painting : Automat by Edward Hopper in 1927

[cooperhoward]

i just found out merriam webster has a time traveler feature that tells you some of the words that were “born” the same year as you. it’s pretty neat yall should do this

[xpyu]

new tag yourself game: pick 3 words “born” in ur year that describe u. im geocaching, dark web and abandonware

[adriennerivera]

bootylicious, pole dancing, and flesh-eating disease :-)

[robvalentines]

yoshitaka amano + final fantasy xiv

[adriennerivera]

4 June 2019, 05:05

it’s been a long fucking time since i’ve been here. honestly, the only reason why i’m here now is because i finally have time to do shit on the computer i built like 3 years ago lol oops. but real talk, i’m here to update whoever still reads my shit or better yet, myself: an avid collector of my own thoughts through written blog posts, journal entries, photos, etc.

so i logged onto facebook from my computer for the first time in probably years. i finally get to see my messages without downloading that stupid facebook messenger app. lo and behold, i still had conversations saved from like 8+ years ago from high school. my shit was cluttered, so naturally, i went through them. 

i came across conversations i had with various ex-boyfriends. i don’t know why i did it, but i read them. i read all the cute and flirtatious beginnings. all the meaningful and empty “i love you”s. all the tireless toxicity. all the times i let him degrade me as a human being. all the phrases that shattered my soul. top-to-bottom. all of them. everything. over and over and over again. 

but nothing. it just felt like i read some really sad news articles. i tried channeling all the way to the girl i was 8 years ago to help me figure out why the hell i never deleted these conversations. but i couldn’t get to her. and it occurred to me: i’m still that girl, just evolved.

the past feels like light years away. everything toxic that enveloped my being weighed so heavy on my shoulders for the longest time. now it feels like it slowly dissolved right off my back. i figured i kept those conversations (all ending in goodbyes) so that one day, i could prove to these boys how wrong they were about me. but i feel nothing for any of them anymore. with everything i went through, the only thing i proved to anyone was that i’m one of the toughest people i know and no one gets credit for it except for me.

i guess what i’m getting at is that i’ve come a long way. and if you’ve been following me and reading the tons of #personal posts i’ve written over the years, the tone drastically changed. however, i still struggle pretty hard with depression and panic disorder but from the diagnosis 5 years ago to now, i’ve done an amazing job. i’m so proud of me.

p.s. i deleted those conversations. with my fiance as my witness. (yup i’m marrying the infamous donut nerd boi!!!)

[hakketenso]

[aveida273937-deactivated2018071]

[brazilshit]

SOMEONE PLS BURRY ME

[adriennerivera]

31 August 2017, 23:02

there you go again, adrienne, always feeling sorry for yourself

i was so stoked to go back to school and pick up the mess i left but i’m getting discouraged the more i think about it. like i really fucked up in college because i was just so fucked up and incredibly mentally unstable, when i look back at the progress i made while i was at school, i feel like an ultimate failure.

i noticed that i was on top of everything at one point during those years but looking at all the fluctuations in my grades, those were some of the worst times wrought with depression and anxiety and constant feeling sorry for myself. then when i saw my grades for the last quarter i was there, there weren’t any grades posted at all. the school dropped my classes for me and gave me my refund. i gave up on everything during that time. i gave no warning. i just gave up.

when i look at the empty section where my grades were supposed to go, i feel sick to my stomach and i feel myself hurling back into regression. all the feelings i had when i made the decision to “give up” are coming back to me and makes me want to give up this time.

i’m thinking about my current situation and i really should be happy and content but there’s that tiny black voice in the back of my head getting ready to scream at me and say “I’M BACK!!!”. i was set on taking care of myself this time around because i felt stronger. i could finance school all on my own and motivate myself to show up to class every single day and make sure i’m on the dot with all my deadlines.

but that’s all fucked. i fucked myself over the moment i decided that school would be good for me when i knew that i wasn’t mentally stable. all that turned into uncontrollable anxiety, laying in bed for 24+ hours at a time, lethargy, crying and cutting myself every night, contemplating on my life, etc. that was me thinking that life was so hard.

i shouldn’t have any excuses. i can’t just expect a new start. i left a mess and of course, it would come back to haunt me. it’s always gonna haunt me.

tldr; i’m gonna be turning 23 in a few days.  every year, september is the same for me. and if i’m being honest here, that month always puts me through agonizing pain.

[adriennerivera]

Jerry Lewis pantomiming in The Errand Boy (1961)

[adriennerivera]

probably one of my favorite scenes in all of cinema history

[adriennerivera]

i stumbled across this movie after watching a couple of jerry lewis movies beforehand and this scene sold me on this glorious man being my favorite actor of golden age Hollywood (before i saw the family guy version)

please everyone watch this

it's wonderful and jerry lewis was wonderful, r.i.p.