Sober Thoughts

[adrunkemindrecovering]

When you think you’re not healing fast enough, just remember the three year rule.

It takes 1 year to process, 1 year to adjust and 1 year to start living.

I needed to hear this today maybe you do also

[aestheticemi01]

Make decisions that are good for your mental health. ♡

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

you are tougher than you imagine. resilience is a secret power you have and you’ll see it someday when you look back and notice how much you made it through.

[adrunkemindrecovering]

I always thought that if the day ever came where I couldn’t beat it anymore there would be a reason. Some catastrophic event that caused me to break and I would just throw my hands up and say fuck it. But, I’ve been through a couple of those. My nephew died. He was only 11. My dad died, we never saw that coming. I made it through those, sure it was hard but I never threw my hands up.

What I didn’t expect is that it would be a quiet Tuesday night in early September. I finally got some peace and quiet and a moment to breathe. I sat down and kicked my feet up and the next thing I knew, it was over. There was no conscious decision. There was no hand throwing moment. It just…happened.

[adrunkemindrecovering]

It’s been so long since I felt this close to the edge. I’m hanging on by a thread. One minor inconvenience away from flushing the last 2 and a half years down the toilet. I feel numb and lost. And in the moment I want nothing more than a bar stool and a bottle until I can forget or find a way to feel something, anything. It was never supposed to be this way.

I’m looking for a local meeting. I’ve reached out to my support system. I’m trying. I don’t wanna fall but I can’t stop looking at the edge either. Send prayers and good vibes or whatever you believe in.

[adrunkemindrecovering]

Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in my own world and in my own mind. Every now and then I get reminded how lucky I truly am. I have a life and a family that I built for myself from the ground up and lord knows without my sobriety I could never appreciate them the way they deserve.

[adrunkemindrecovering]

There was a time, that I wished everyday there was a way to make sure the people who hurt me the most knew how bad they fucked me up and the damage they had done. I wished they could feel all the things they made me feel. I wished they could hurt the way I hurt. I wanted them to feel it all and feel so bad that they couldn’t rest. I wanted them to suffer.

However, as time has passed and I’ve grown and found myself and my sobriety, I’ve found forgiveness and clarity. Now I see things like this and remember that time, then I know I’m not the same. I don’t wish any of those things on them. I hope they never have to know how they made me feel or how deep I fell. I hope they never suffer a single second at the thought of who they were or what they’ve done. They don’t live there anymore, there’s no reason for them to visit. They don’t know me anymore, there’s no reason to think of me.

What I do wish is that they know peace, happiness, full happy healthy lives. I wish that their days are filled with all the most beautiful moments life has to offer. I wish them the best.

[adrunkemindrecovering]

Maybe when my episode is over, I won't want to destroy myself and I'll want to continue to keep trying to recover. I never know what I'll feel one moment to the next. But still, nobody seems to grasp how terrifying that is for Me. Nobody seems to grasp that I didn’t choose this.

Being mentally ill and being in recovery is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. To everyone else it should be so simple, but they don’t live in my head. They don’t know what it’s like to have one bad day and want to throw it all away. They don’t understand how one minor inconvenience feels like my whole world is crumbling or that if a small inconvenience can do that much damage what something that actually hurts my feelings could do.

It’s just been a day. Several of them actually. But I’m here. Still doing what I need to do, holding on for dear life to the only thing I almost feel like I’m doing right.

[adrunkemindrecovering]

“'Cause I've been chasin' the man that I am when I start to drink, he's cocky, confident, and he don't give a damn what you think. This world is beatin' me down, and it's pushed me right to the brink. I take a shot every time because, man, it helps me escape. I'm takin' care of these people, but no one takes care of me I want to talk to somebody, but I feel no one relates. I need better now, I think I've lost my way”

Dax - Dear Alcohol

[adrunkemindrecovering]

It feels like I only come here when I’m struggling and I guess maybe I do, because I don’t know where else to go. I don’t want to burden anybody and honestly it doesn’t feel like they care a great deal anymore. The new wore off and it’s not a priority, but I guess to be fair it’s not actually anybody else’s problem. The end of January made 2 years. Some days it feels like it’s been forever and others it feels like day one. I’ve been going through some shit, a break up. The guy I really liked ghosted me, it all seems like petty shot when I say it but it’s all stuff I still struggle to deal with. I didn’t have to deal with any of it for so long that some days I just wish I could skip it like I used to, but I also know I never really skipped past it I just pushed it off for another day and it came out in other ways.

I guess more than anything I don’t feel like I have time to focus on me anymore. I work and I have 4 kids that I very rarely get a break from. I love them but all I am is dad, all the time. I don’t have time to be me and care about myself and put my well being first. I’m tired. I feel myself wearing down. So much is happening and I don’t even know where to start.

[adrunkemindrecovering]

Yesterday marked two years. Which is insane to me! It seems like so long ago and at the same time just yesterday that I started down my road to recovery. It’s been a roller coaster to say the least, some days felt like it was the end of everything and others I felt like I could move mountains. No day has been the same in the last 2 years. I’ve learned more about myself and how to set boundaries and stand beside them. I refuse to allow anyone or anything to disturb the peace I’ve worked so hard to achieve.

If you’re having any doubts about sobriety, I promise you can do it! You just have to want it. You’re not alone and it is okay to ask for help! We do recover, together!

[adrunkemindrecovering]

I’m so tired. I’m tired of never having time to be just me. I feel like have no identity of my own. For my whole life I’ve always been somebody’s something. I am dad. I am uncle. I am husband. I am brother. I am son, grandson, friend, therapist, recovering addict. But who am I?! When do I get to just take a minute to not be any of those things and just be.

When I was in the trenches of addiction, I didn’t have to care about who I was. I was addicted. I was my next fix, my next drink, I was whoever I needed to be in the moment to get exactly what I wanted. I thought that maybe, when I got sober that would change. I’d finally find and define ME. Yet, here we are coming up on two years later and honestly I’m nobody. I’m not somebody anybody is gonna think about if their absent or remember when I’m gone. The only people I feel like my existence matters to is my kids and I promise that’s enough, it’s so much enough! I just…wish that I could be B and not just Dad and the person they call when they need something.

I’m just…tired. Ya know?

[adrunkemindrecovering]

I've spent so much of my time stepping forward. One day at a time, no matter how many baby steps it takes. In the beginning I had so much support and was surrounded by help and advice and listening ears. Now that we're coming up on 2 years it's like everybody forgot that my struggle never ends. Honestly, lately it feels even harder than in the early stages.

I'm a full time parent, their mother and I still live together for the kids, but we aren't together. In my home their mother works 2 jobs (her choice) and I work weekends (it's the only time she's not at work) we have one vehicle, which she takes to go to work. So I'm home with 2 kids 24/7 essentially. My son goes to school so there's a couple hours of it just being the one kid, that still leaves my toddler who is hell on wheels from sun up to sun up because I swear she never sleeps. On the weekends we get my other two daughters, who I barley get to see because I have to work, which makes me feel terrible.

I've been so overwhelmed lately. The guilty feelings of not seeing my girls as much, my toddler being just a toddler all hours of all days with absolutely no relief, and my son thinking 8 means he's grown and falling into the wrong group of friends and bringing home that attitude. I'm in my home 5 days a week with nowhere to go. On the weekends, she makes plans and I'm still stuck at home with the kids or I make plans and she makes it a huge deal. The rare occasions she takes the kids anywhere with her she still texts and calls me the entire time. I can't even go to the bathroom without a child or HER following me.

It's building an anger and resentment that I truly don't want to harbor mixed with so much guilt for feeling that way. Those are the exact kinds of feelings that led me to a place of heavy addiction to begin with. I drank to get that break, to feel like I had 5 minutes to myself. I did the things I did because it made me feel like I was my own person, I was more than just a built in babysitter and a doormat. I know that I'm a good dad, but when do I get to be more than just a dad? I'm tired. I love being a parent but I want to continue to love it, not resent it! I used to never understand what could drive a man to leave or make them want to drink or do whatever their drug of choice was when they had kids because that should be more important, but honestly...now I understand and I truly hate that feeling so much.

[adrunkemindrecovering]

Time does make sobriety easier, but it doesn’t ever make the urges go away. It doesn’t make it any easier to sit alone with your thoughts. My problem has always been linked to running away. I used my addictions to escape my thoughts, my pain, my reality. Over time I have built a life in sobriety that I don’t need to escape from but now and then those old pieces of me resurface and I’m faced with them once again. That’s when the struggles hit the hardest. That’s what I’m forced to sit and bask in all those things I spent so much time escaping from.

It is in those moments that the urges hit full swing, that the passing thoughts of “just one more time” creep in. Just one more drink, just one more night that I don’t have to think, one more escape. One more time. The reality is, yes, I need one more time. Just one more time to stand up out of those crippling thoughts and push forward. Stand up one more time out of the darkness and turn the light on again. One more time of not giving up. One more time of one more day. And when I push through just one more time and the next day comes, I’ve got another one more time.

We can all do this. One day at a time. One more time. Every day. That’s sobriety. A continuous cycle of just one more. Take it as it comes, one more second, one more hour, one more day. That’s all that we can do. Together we can make it through anything, because we do recover!

[adrunkemindrecovering]

Every single day the rent is due on my recovery. On my sobriety. And my addiction is as patient as bad karma. Maintaining my spiritual fitness is my only hope of survival. Prayers up for those who didn't make it to see today. And for everyone else, keep fighting the good fight. Hold on. Pain ends and life can be beautiful.

I am proof that you can burn your life to the ground and come out on the other side stronger. You can do it too!!

[adrunkemindrecovering]

Don’t ever let anybody tell you that you can’t or that you’re not worth it!! You CAN and you ARE!

[adrunkemindrecovering]

Would you take it?

This pill.

I found it the other day, come loose, unhidden, when I muscled open The Drawer That Always Sticks. Like a vision from my narcotically-charged past, it rolled towards me. Revealed amongst the nail files and travel-sized toothpastes. And the ol’ Sesame Street ditty began to play…

“One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn't belong…”

This pill.

Small. White. Oblong-ish. Whose was it? It wasn’t ours. We’ve only lived here for two months. I’ve been sober for six years.

Had I gasped? Because now there was silence. Just the calming tappity-tappity-tap from my husband’s office. Proof that not everyone’s world had come to a breath-catching halt.

I pierced it between two fingers. Reverently. Respect, man. Any substance that can bring me to my knees with: 1) Snot-sobbing, body-rocking prayer OR 2) Obsessive, soul-crippling desire for infinite amounts of said substance deserves meticulous placement into the palm of my hand.

Or was I in the palm of its hand?

This pill.

As I placed it into my ice-cool, professional Mistress-of-the-Swipe calmness of palm, I felt the reflex. The hard-wired default to throw my head back and toss this unknown pharmaceutical potential down my eager throat.

One second. Maybe half.

My mind whirled with explosions of curiosity. “10 mg? 10 g? Of what? Benzo? Opiate? Speed?” As if what it was would make any difference when it came to what I had to do.

Should do.

Might do.

This pill.

And then.

I moved. Into the bedroom. Grabbed my phone. Took a picture. Sent it to my sponsor. And walked into my husband’s office with an outstretched arm and declared,

“I found a pill.”

There. My relapse had been exterminated.

This pill.

Even in the photo I snapped, it seems to straddle darkness and light, highlighting the choice my addict’s mind makes every day. Will I Jekyll my way into Life, or Hyde myself toward Death?

And I realized, I had been surprised. By my throat-opening reflex. By my curiosity to know what substance would be ceremoniously flushed away into Winnipeg’s sewage system.

And that’s where my Addiction lives. In that half second where I forget about the rubbing alcohol I drank.

The pills I stole.

The hearts I broke.

The life I nearly lost.

Half a second.

That’s all Addiction needs.

But not today.

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