*Curtsies* Dear Duke, do you have any tips on how to deal with loneliness? I just went through a divorce, and while it's disheartening to see a long partnership end, I'm excited to have my privacy back. I keep picturing myself drinking wine and writing by candlelights; it feels great. But I'm aware that there will be times where creative pursuit won't be enough to keep loneliness at bay. Since academic life can be very isolating at times, I was wondering if you have any piece of wisdom to share.
*Curtsies* The older you get the harder it is to make new friends and hold onto old ones. It’s a fact of life as people age and start families and take new jobs in different cities. This is all the more reason that putting a serious effort into maintaining friendships you care about is something to prioritize sooner rather than later. For instance: I live alone, and that’s especially weird during a global pandemic (which our government is daily exacerbating). I haven’t left my house except to buy necessities since February. That is a lot of time alone. But it’s also not, because my schedule is packed at this point with remote plans with friends and family. I have three weekly Zoom calls: a happy hour with my four best friends from my MA cohort, a live (drunk) play reading with my vertical cohort here in DC, and on Monday nights three generations of my family are meeting to record my grandmother’s life story (because she lived a crazy life) and piece together some of our lost family history. I have running chats with three different grounds of friends and a weird amorphous book club with some neighbors. For a while I was making a collaborative quarantine playlist with some other friends. These are just a few ideas, but the point is that there are a million ways you can stay in touch with people at a remove, but you’re going to have to make an effort. Particularly at this point in time, I think it’s also worth acknowledging the loneliness factor in conversation! Everyone’s had a weird six months and they probably get it, so I think it’s fine (and indeed, a form of self-care) to say, “Hey, I’m really missing my friends these days. Any chance you’d be up to talk once a week?” You can even jump on Zoom and just do quiet creative activities together; for a while I was dropping in on a zine club my friend runs, and it was really nice to just sit and listen to some music together while we all worked on various crafting projects. Basically, loneliness is (weirdly) something you have to make an active effort to avoid, instead of looking for an internal fix to just make yourself okay with it.
That said, learning to live alone is an adjustment at any time, and it does take some getting used to. For me it was a merciful relief after five years of always having too many roommates and never living in the same place longer than six months, but there are definitely days and nights when I get bored and restless and sometimes a little wigged out when I’ve been alone with my thoughts too long. When that happens I try to get out of the house and go for a walk and listen to music, which often helps me reset and unwind and by the time I get back I’m happy to return to my space. It’s really easy to start filling amorphous alone time with work, especially when you work in academia/the arts and so don’t really have normal “work hours,” but that’s a really bad habit to pick up because a really tough habit to break. One of the most important things about living alone is learning to relish doing “unproductive” activities by yourself. What I mean by this is learning to spend time hanging out with yourself the same way you might with friends. Instead of defaulting to work when you have a few unstructured hours, pick an activity to keep you occupied which is not focused on productive output related to your job(s). Work on a puzzle, play a game, read a book, whatever. If you can learn to enjoy some of the time you spend alone, the prospect of spending time alone becomes a lot less daunting. Revel in the luxury of not having to compromise your plans with other people and do whatever you want for a few hours every week--whether that’s trying a new recipe or learning to play an instrument or seeing that documentary you could never convince your ex to watch with you or just dancing around the house to your favorite guilty pleasure music while you vacuum.
Tl;dr Make an effort to do stuff with friends, and make an effort to enjoy your alone time. Eventually you’ll find the right balance for you. More here.
