Pretty Little Head

somewhere to chronicle my fuckups & hide from public scrutiny

[aeronauticaldelusion]

I'm on a 10 day streak all alone (not bc i live with someone) which is the longest streak in Years and it's both because i told myself new year new me and also because of a vague new potential crush returning from out of country and like hey whatever works

I'm just not out so i can't tell anyone but holy shit!!!

[livingwithtrich]

A technique that's been helping me a lot lately:

Often the urge to pull comes from the need to "groom" by removing the hairs that are somehow "different" from others (thicker, shorter/longer, different location, etc.). I find that when I do this "grooming" without looking, I'll end up inadvertently pulling WAY more hairs than just those out-of-place ones that originally trigger me, because I can't see what I'm doing and it's so easy to go overboard once you get started.

Instead, each day I now intentionally look for these hairs that I *know* will trigger me, and remove *only* those ones. This way I know in advance that I'm already "groomed" and there's nothing that "has to come out now", which is often my impulsive internal dialogue that instigates a pulling episode.

This has prevented so many episodes that my eyelashes are slowly coming back!

[sangura]

i can’t remember

[aeronauticaldelusion]

All this talk of acceptance and normalization but the truth is we're absolutely fucked up for doing this to ourselves. We're not normal, we're sick, it's disgusting, and we shouldn't be allowed in public

[aeronauticaldelusion]

It ain't fun being the single ugliest and stupidest person i know and possibly just on this planet but that's life i guess

[aeronauticaldelusion]

I want to die but I can't tell what I'm feeling beyond that and everything is a mess

[aeronauticaldelusion]

When u wanna text ur bf that u miss him & xoxo but u can't bc he hasn't replied to u in 9 hrs which is v unusual & he's probably sleeping but what if he's dead & u don't want to say anything else until u know he's ok

[thatbfrbfeel]

that bfrb feel when

[aeronauticaldelusion]

i am dirty and dingy and putrid ????????????????? in body but mostly in soul

[aeronauticaldelusion]

I JUST WANT A PEACEFUL LIFE WITH MINIMAL BRUTAL VIOLENCE AND FUCKERY

[aeronauticaldelusion]

I relapsed but it was ok because it was just a few specks anyway but then I saw my face in a mirror and now it's not okay anymore Remember how my mom used to tell me she'd take me out of school or wouldn't let me go on major trips until I grew my lashes out so I'd feel Even Worse ha

[aeronauticaldelusion]

Feel like I'm being sucked into a whirlpool or jet engine everything feels heavy and spinning and nauseating and bad so much physical pressure it's like that terrible time on drugs except this time without drugs feeling sad but why am I feeling sad yknow

[writedyke]

Dislocation

Hairs that no longer reside On my head, in my follicles Lay scattered around all the places In which I have ever existed. My hand wanders up to my scalp Poised to pull, to yank, to destroy Any hair that would dare To be different than the rest. Before I know it my desk, my space Is littered with yellow strands Without a peek I know it’s there An absence where they used to be. I begin again, hopeful each day “Today I will not pull,” I say.

[aeronauticaldelusion]

I've been reading recovery blogs about regaining control and acknowledging that it's ME who's doing this and therefore can stop this but.... my brain... it don't work... which is ironically making me feel worse because it's like accepting responsibility and STILL being unable to keep ya damn hands from mutilating your eyes haha nice

[aeronauticaldelusion]

Pulled EVERYTHING last night even though I had a lovely calm day with no stressors and bf came over to comfort me and got me to promise to stop and as soon as he left PLUCK PLUCK MOTHERFUCKER anyway haha I want to vomit or die or get beheaded or anything to stop this putrid guilt and shame and appearance and reality

[thatbfrbfeel]

*finishes pulling session* wow, I’m so glad i got that out of my system so that I’ll never pull again. an hour later *finishes second pulling session* wow, I’m so glad i got that out of my system so that I’ll never pull again. an hour later *finishes third pulling session* wow, I’m so glad i

[overcomingtrich]

Yes you have Trich. But it isn’t something that controls you, please tell yourself that. As hard as it is to accept that we have done this to ourselves, look at it that way. It’s not some monster controlling our hands, you pull, we pull our hair out. The more we tell ourselves it something beyond our control the less control we have of it. Take control, it’s your mind.