Its called a birb, sweetheart.

Send me asks! It's not like I'm doing anything.

[greelin]

bro for real you gotta be making some of this shit up

[greelin]

hit me with some of that sleepman

[outofcontextdnd]

List of wizard names

[yourplayersaidwhat]

*at a bakery*

Cleric: Ooh can I have a cheese roll please!

Warlock: I thought you were vegan though?

Cleric: Yeah, I am. Why?

Warlock: Ummm eeeer… Cheese isn’t vegan.

Cleric: Yeah it is.

Warlock: Where do you think cheese comes from?

Cleric: The ground! I’ve seen them growing before! They’re those yellow vegetables!

Bard: *to warlock* Don’t say it.

Warlock: That’s a potato.

Cleric: Oh shit.

[outofcontextdnd]

Artificer: We can’t put someone in the bag of holding, there’s no air. They’ll suffocate.

Warlock: What if we cast water breathing on them, then give them a helmet full of water?

Artificer: ...

Artificer: Huh

[too-cool-for-facebook]

Define “Lawful Evil”:

[hayleyolivia]

‪So listen. I’ve had this song stuck in my head for two days now because of this tweet. Look what they have done.‬

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context: A one-person campaign. (wasn’t originally, but everyone except me and the DM dropped out, so…)

Me (a dwarven wizard with a pet owl) was trying to escape a haunted house.

Me: Can I just go through the door?

DM: Sure.

Me: (forgets to check for traps)

DM: A swinging axe appears out of nowhere and cuts off your left leg.

Me: Uh oh.

DM: You are now bleeding out.

Me: I staunch the bloodflow!

DM: With what?

Me: With… My owl…?

DM: You staunch the bloodflow. with your owl. You know what, what the hell. Go for it.

*Rolls a 19*

DM: Fine. You have successfully stopped the bloodflow, but your owl is now stained blood-red.

Me: Nice.

DM: there’s another axe.

Me: Shit.

[outofcontextdnd]

"I rolled a nat 1 in my search for rats"

"You don't see any rats. You're not even sure what a rat looks like"

[outofcontextdnd]

“Snake necromancy isn’t exactly your area of exp—” “Snecromancy.”

[outofcontextdnd]

[The party encounters a large pile of assorted bones]

The paladin: I cast Detect Skeletons. With my eyes.

[Beat]

The paladin: There's skeletons over there.

[nixcraft]

The Programmers’ Credo

[nixcraft]

The 90s were a weird time. RedHat Linux had the option to install os using the "redneck" language.

[outofcontextdnd]

Gunner: That’s a solid 40 damage.

DM: The ship starts bleeding.

[outofcontextdnd]

DM: she’s on her last legs

Monk: How many legs does she have

[outofcontextdnd]

Tavern owner: And what will You have to drink?

Player: HIGH ELVES DRINK WHITE CLAW

[outofcontextdnd]

Rogue: “Wait a minute, how do we chain up a T-Posing character?”

Ranger: “Oh that’s easy, you crucify him.”

[outofcontextdnd]

““I AM CONTRACTUALLY BOUND TO MURDER YOU” is a hell of a battlecry”

—

[outofcontextdnd]

Goblin: my name is NORS!

Half-orc barbarian: Nors?

Nors: with a silent ‘Q’

Half-orc barbarian: ... where’s the ‘Q’?

Nzorzqzzz: you’d be surprised.