I want to talk about Killua and Gon's separation.
There is a lot to untangle so let's start with Killua's mentality after the Chimera Ant Arc.
Killua is aware of how much Gon hurt him, and he understands that even if Gon's bond and dept with Kite is not something he can relate to, this pain isn't something he can brush off either, yet, he comclude his self-reflection by calling his dilemma a burden.
This need to be valued by Gon is what made him take things personally and feel useless during their invasion.
Regardless of his own feelings and issues, Killua blames himself for not sucking up and staying there with Gon. He has for a while... Take note of how horrified he looks after Palm tells him he is the one Gon needs the most.
Any possible joy he could have gotten from being important was far too small compared to the crushing realization 'Gon needs me and I left him alone while he was suffering.'
But Killua is hurting for himself too, at how he was put in a situation where everything felt out of his control.
When yelling at Gon about how reckless and selfish he is, Killua thinks to himself "apologies...?" as a question, a question that comes right after thinking "this time I won't forgive you'', like he is trying to find an answer to how he is feeling.
He doesn't really know what he wants from Gon, how or even where to direct his anger.
But he does know what he wants from himself.
'I will definitively make you better.'
It makes his declaration feel more like a "you will be alive to apologize. You will be here when I figure it out" the apology itself isn't nearly as important.
Because his recovery is so important, Killua doesn't allow himself to think too hard about it. He can't get emotional and make mistakes again, he needs to be level headed and get things done.
Even if the ever-present fear that he will be too late to save Gon is there.
He was too late once after all.
Killua immediately loses his calm when there are no hospital curtains or glass windows between them.
Even with Nanika by his side to give him strength, he is tense from the moment he reaches for Gon's hand. It breaks him to witness exactly how bad Gon state has become.
Translations vary but the sense of urgency is prevalent, even with his mission accomplished, his wish a touch away, he shows zero relief, he acts like he is too late again, desperate to help him.
There is no 'Gon is invincible. He heals super fast from everything.' mentality anymore, and even the hope he has been clinging to that 'Nanika is amazing, she can heal Gon' gets destroyed.
Is just him and the brutal reminder Gon can fall.
So when Gon gets up, against all odds, Killua is happy. The joy is stronger than his grief.
He downplays his worry, and keeps it casual, when he tells Gon to watch out for himself, but he is genuinely happy when Gon thanks him.
That's what I believe Killua really wanted from the start, not an apology but a thank you. It always hit him hard when Gon thanks him, be it when Killua is happy, or at his lowest:
Killua just didn't believe he deserved a "thank you", not after being put far too many responsibilities on himself and drowning in failures. But now, things are okay.
For as difficult as Killua's life is, he does like to focus on the good, so when he talks to Gon, who is alive and no longer blinded by grief, while being able to hold on to his little sister's hand, who is happy and free, he has no regrets, it was no problem. He would do it again and again and again for them, and Gon showing appreciation of what he has done is the cherry on top.
Killua doesn't really care about the apology anymore, because he already understands Gon didn't want to hurt him, he has been by Gon's side for years, and he knows better than anyone that Gon is a kind boy who loves his friends very much, and is far too harsh on himself.
So Killua acknowledges his pain but he keeps it light-hearted and brief. He doesn't want his best friend to focus on this, as Gon is prone to, so after Gon gets on his knees to apologize, Killua thanks him.
Which is something Killua rarely does, most of his thank yous are either casual or in monologues Gon isn't privy to. But he want to focus on the good he gained, on how his adventures and feelings for Gon are what let him take the needle out and go to Alluka's rescue instead of how he learned to fear loss.
He believes Gon is just as important to Alluka's rescue as Alluka was to his recovery. And he acknowledged Gon's issues but still value him.
So he does what he has always appreciated, and lets Gon know how valuable he is. Hurt or not, he always wants what's best for Gon. To cheer him up, to put his mind at ease.
And now that things have gotten more peaceful, they both decided that's what they focus on, on how valuable the other is. How much they enjoy each other's company and how hard it is to go their separate ways.
Even what Ging says about "What I was I looking for isn't what I ended up valuing" parallels their arrangement.
This is the end of their journey to travel the world in search of Ging, and the Chimera Ant disaster will definitively mark them, but they are still friends, and proud of it!
Which brings me to Killua's "you're number two" claim.
Personally, I do not believe he is being literal or trying to measure their value when he claims his sister is No.1. He just doesn't want to put too much pressure on Gon when he can tell Gon is still beating himself over how he treated Killua.
Palms's "You're the most important person to Gon" speech broke Killua, it crushed him with pressure, and it wasn't even Gon himself saying. Imagine how bad Gon would feel if Killua said "You're my most important person" or showed in any way how highly he holds Gon after the way Gon had snapped at him.
Add in how Gon already feels indebted to Killua, who had witnessed Gon destroy himself over his debt to Kite, and how hard it is for Gon to let Killua go... I can understand why Killua would want to downplay the situation as much as possible. Make it easier on Gon.
I don't want to downplay Alluka's importance to Killua though, she is the main reason they separate, the one that gives Killua confidence to turn his back on Gon despite how sad they look about diverging their paths, and makes Killua keep going.
Killua had nothing he wanted for a while. Now he wants to take Alluka and Nanika to travel the world, and while Gon is amazing and fun, he is also deeply intertwined with danger.
And Killua already has a lot of danger on his hands.
He needs a break from danger. From stress.
He can't protect Alluka and Nanika, while keeping an eye on Gon in their usual adventures. And he can't let himself go wild with Illumi on the hunt.
His priority is to keep Alluka safe and happy. Show her a taste of freedom and all the fun he knows exists out there.
And Killua is emotionally smart too, for as much as he is attached to Gon, I think he does realize they need time away. They will see each other again, they promised.
but right now they are too dependent.
2087
gummygunk
stormborns
snowghoul
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
