Everyone’s On Their Own Journey

Yelling my frustrations into the Tumblr void.

[afreckledmind]

Dear Birthday Girl,

I’m so glad you enjoyed the dinner you wanted and I bought that you complained about, and the painting class I paid for and you made a scene at, and the drinks I bought which you asked for then didn’t drink, and the guest room in my home which you were welcomed to. However,

Turn my thermostat down 12 degrees in the middle of the night again and I’m forwarding you my electric bill.

It’s August and I’m freezing. It’s too cold to get out of bed. Why have you done this? My toes are wedged under my slightly confused but warm husband. What have we done as a family to deserve this penance?

[afreckledmind]

When you need to know what to call that one thing, you know, with the stuff: A Process

1) Google it. Ya ignorant ass don’t need to trouble others when the knowledge of a million lifetimes is at your fingertips. Just string some words that feel roughly adjacent to the one you want into a search engine and jam the button like you’re Wile E. Coyote with an Acme remote. Just don’t make it sound too murdery - Big Brother be watchin.

2) Call your momma. She wiped your butt and taught you the birds and the bees. She’ll definitely judge you for trying to figure out how to find unicorn adult footie pajamas without stumbling across some frankly concerning porn, but she’ll help you out. Momma always knows.

3) Ok, I lied on that last one and it’s time to bring out the big guns. You know what I mean... Incognito Mode searches. It’s like step 1, but with the bonus of pretending like less people are watching you. Go ahead and use that vaguely serial killer vibe description, since there aren’t enough actual federal agents to monitor your weird ass searches. Just hope some algorithm doesn’t ping you as a pervert.

[vam-van]

[alsedes]

All the flavor, none of the bigotry!

Side note: I always knew that chicken tasted vaguely of pickles.

[tehjai]

Also you can recreate Chick-fil-A sauce, too:

¼ cup mayonnaise

2 tablespoons honey

1 tablespoon yellow mustard

2 teaspoons Dijon mustard (optional)

2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

2 tablespoons BBQ sauce

[strangeauthorarchive]

@kid-umbra you asked about this before!!!

[afreckledmind]

Look! Chicken!

[bananonbinary]

one of the hardest things to learn as a depressed former Gifted Kid™ is that half-assed is better than nothing. take the 50%, 40%, even 20% job. scrubbing your face is better than not taking a shower at all. picking up your clothes is better than never cleaning. nibbling on some bread is better than starving.

DO THINGS HALFWAY. NOW YOU’RE 100% BETTER OFF THAN YOU WERE BEFORE.

[redheadhatchet]

One of my college professors used to say “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”  I didn’t understand that for years because I didn’t do anything poorly, I couldn’t do anything poorly, I had to Do Everything Perfectly.

But brushing your teeth for 30 seconds is better than not brushing them at all when that 2 minutes seems exhausting.  Doing ten minutes of yoga is better than 10 minutes of sitting when 30 minutes of cardio sounds impossible.  Changing my clothes is good when a whole shower is impossible.  Standing on the porch for a few minutes is worth it after being in the house for three straight days because I don’t have the energy to go anywhere.

Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly… because doing it poorly is better than not doing it.

[afreckledmind]

Advice for my MIL:

Anytime you feel the need to tell me what to do with my life (like quit my job and start making you some grandkids), you should lovingly write your opinions of my life choices down, carefully fold your hopes and demands into a paper crane, and place your passive-aggressive suppository so far up that you can almost taste it when you cough.

Love,

Every Daughter In Law Ever

[afreckledmind]

Duuuude

The mother-of-all-snide-comments-in-law, or MOASCIL, caught me when hubs left the room. Something to the effect of how I can now complete my wifely duties of popping out kids and staying at home since my hubby got a new job... you’re right, lady, my masters degree and job I’m passionate about are clearly a cry for help; my place is obviously at home, barefoot and pregnant.

Also, to be clear,

I don’t trust this woman with a cactus.

Before she yaks on about wanting grandkids, she should think a bit harder. Why would I ever leave her alone with a child?

[afreckledmind]

YOU KNOW WHAT’S BULLSHIT?

HAT SIZES!

Men have allllllll these different sizes for allllllll their different size noggins and women get that “one size fits no one” crapola. At the VERY most the option of S/M & L/XL are the only two acceptable dimensions of a bitch’s brain basket.

Ex-CUSE the hell out of me for having a voluptuous cranium!

Men’s hats have serious sounding sizes too! 7 3/8th, 7 1/2, like they might be consistent across various makers, but do you think a schmedium or lextralarge in ladies’ hats will fit the same across different brands?

We must resist the Man-centric Millinery Agenda!!!

[afreckledmind]

How does that bitch from work know my rugby babes?

Is she stalking me? How does she know someone who lives two cities away? Terrifying.

[afreckledmind]

Have you ever dreamed about being Dr Who, only to realize you’re Keeping Up Appearances?

[afreckledmind]

When do you know

to call it quits? When it’s good, but not that great? When the sparkle has been gone so long you think it might’ve been something in your eye? Is it like yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting? Not your favorite flavor, but better than nothing?

Do you wait until you’re 35 and you’ve spawned a few snot nosed tax exemptions and you’re so financially ensnared with them that it takes them falling into bed with a coworker on a business trip to snap you out of it?

Will you regret accepting good enough? Is there anything more out there for you?

What are you more afraid of: the question or the answer?

[afreckledmind]

I’ve been conditioned by my in-laws to associate Alice’s Restaurant Massacre by Arlo Guthrie with passive aggressive comments on their lack of grandchildren and Thanksgiving Cowboys games at 10,000 decibels.

I’m sorry, Mr. Guthrie. Your song is the stuff of my nightmares.

[queereyegifs]

x

[afreckledmind]

Only fools forget the hidden anger of a gentle heart.

- a really awesome post that I can’t seem to find

[inspiration-and-motivation]

[mentallykrill]

[afreckledmind]

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.

Long-suffering husband: it’s a bathtub. You’re in a bathtub. There’s a fly in the bathtub.

Me, horrified: I *am* the soup?

[millionsknives]

please make sure that wherever you’re at in life, you don’t treat it like a transitory period. don’t waste your college years wishing to already be graduated & have a job. don’t waste your single years wishing for someone to be in love with. if/when those things come, they will come in due time and they will be good. but there is nothing like looking back and feeling empty because you wasted literal years ignoring what you had because you were hoping for something better. while it’s important to better yourself and reach for your goals, don’t neglect the present because that’s where you are now and it’s your now that determines your future. 

[afreckledmind]

Huh.