JOHN MULANEY: I normally donāt notice people. I zone out constantly. Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes? Iāve been zoned out since 2014.
MULANEY: I just - all day long, I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.Ā
MULANEY: I can zone out anywhere - I was at the doctorās office, he was reading me the results of a blood test, it was important I listened, and I zoned out! I was like,Ā ānah, Iām gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughtsā.
MULANEY: I was like,Ā āhuh. None of the Beatles had moustachesā¦ but then one day, all of them had moustaches.ā
MULANEY: āThatās weird, I canāt think of a time a group has done thatā. Some people in my life donāt want me to zone out as much - they want me to focus, and they want me to be in the moment, and they want me to do this by meditating. I donāt know if youāve ever tried meditating, but Iāve been trying it. This is how you meditate, okay? You sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight, which I hate more than ISIS -
MULANEY: I donāt like sitting up straight! Alright?! Itās never gonna happen! If meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet with your elbow on your knee while kind of looking at your phone, Iād be the Dalai Lama.Ā Ā
MULANEY: I donāt like sitting up straight. So you sit up straight, and you breathe, and this helps you stay in the moment. Donāt bother! The moment is mediocre at best!
MULANEY: I mean, itās fine. Letās all try right now - letās all be in the moment, in silence, right now. [A HALF-SECOND PAUSE] Sucked, right? Not fun at all!Ā
MULANEY: That was boring! You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theatre in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win.
MULANEY: Have you ever just been sitting there thinking about something for twenty, twenty-five minutes, and all of a sudden youāre likeĀ āoh my god, Iām driving!ā and you remember? Youāre like -
MULANEY:Ā āIām going seventy-five miles an hour! I have been for a while! I couldāve changed so many lives!ā Sometimes, my wife - I have this wife - sheāll be like, āare you watching the road?ā and Iām always like,Ā āI am looking through the windshield.ā
MULANEY:Ā āAnd Iām not gonna hit anyone, but no. Iām thinking about the Beatles.ā
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