self love or whatevaaa

[afterthesun0617]

I will not regret this.

I will not regret leaving a boy who made me get off an airplane when I was already seated on my seat christmas day.

I will not regret leaving a boy who tells me “its only good vibes in sacramento, we don’t accept bad vibes”

I will not regret leaving a boy who disrespects my family telling me that he doesn’t want to meet them and to tell them that he won’t be coming around. I will not regret leaving a boy who tells me his family has more dignity and respect than my family. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who threatens me with lawyers, threatens to not pay his part of the lease and threatens to leave my credit score hanging. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who blows up my phone while im at work threatening to move out if we “get into another argument”

I will not regret leaving a boy who criticizes every move I make from what time I go to the store, to how I arrange the dishes in the dish washer, to where I go to get my hair done. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who refuses to work with me as a team, and refuses to listen and address my feelings. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who criticizes every single word that comes out of my mouth. I will not regret leaving a boy who lectures me and tells me not to cut him off when he cuts every single sentence off and refuses to listen to me.  

I will not regret leaving a boy who tells me I disrespect him when I don’t understand something. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who makes me feel like everything is my fault. I will not regret leaving a boy who accuses me of being the cause of the arguments. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who tells me we can go on a date “as long as we don’t argue”

I will not regret leaving a boy who using my own therapist and my own family against me.

I will not regret leaving a boy who twists my words to benefit himself.

I will not regret leaving a boy who doesn’t address my feelings or show concern when I initiate serious topics. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who calls me a piece of sh*t and a b*tch. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who tells me I’m incapable of change and that I have a lot to learn. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who will start to show changes the second I leave. Showing that he was capable this whole time but doesn’t choose to make the change until I leave. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who guilt trips me for having feelings. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who places criteria for bare minimum things to be met. 

I will not regret leaving a boy rarely ever spent any time getting to know my family. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who tells me my opinions doesn't phase him.

I will not regret leaving a boy who tries to dictate every choice in the relationship without considering my side,

I will not regret leaving a boy who tells me “Im going to do what I want and your feelings aren’t going to influence my decision” 

I will not regret leaving a boy who threw my dream of living together in oc with a dog away because HE thinks its better if we live separate. 

I will not regret leaving a boy who only considers my feelings and what I have to say when it benefits him.

I am worthy. I am enough. I deserve better than this.

[afterthesun0617]

bvvvv

[afterthesun0617]

I wish I can just be myself. without the fear of anyone judging me. I feel like everyone around me is judging me and I just wanna crawl into a hole and disappear. I feel like my coworkers think I don’t work hard enough. I feel like my family and friends think I should be doing things that I’m not. I think that my boyfriend thinks I can “never change” and I’m too emotional. I’m tired of having all these strings being pulled in different directions. i’m tired of people pleasing and caring too damn much about what the people I love think of me. I’m exhausted from constantly trying to be the person that everyone wants me to be. I need to stay true to myself and just do what makes me happy unapologetically. I’m so sick and tired of trying so desperately to keep everyone around me happy. I need to stop caring so much about what other people think and care about MYSELF and what I think. and what I want for me.

[afterthesun0617]

They say to write a letter and never send it. So this is my letter. I’m sorry for being immature and irrational and unreasonable. I’m sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me. I’m sorry that I can be unreasonably selfish and trigger to the point where it effected you negatively. I wish I could’ve been a better person to you. Despite all the disrespect and hurtful words that were said to me I still love you with all my heart. I know I’m difficult to deal with and I know I’ve hurt you too countless times. I’m sorry for making things worse when you were trying to make things better. I’m sorry I’m not the person we both wished I was. I know you hate apologies and this whole letter is basically one. And I know apologies don’t fix things and only actions do. Idk if I can give you or anyone the changed actions that are needed to have a healthy relationship. I’ve changed for the better in the past and my therapist told me that I can change because she’s seen it in my last relationship. But idk I know Im hurting you or stressing you out even more when you know Im sad because you care about me but it’s taken a toll on you. I know Im too hard on myself. Maybe I’m a lost cause. My cousin told me never to change for anyone. Maybe I took that advice a little too seriously. Or maybe it was bad advice. I hope I can change these flaws for you because I want to. You saw my flaws from the start and you wanted to help me see the world in a different light. Because you know what it’s like to put on a different lens and angle the prism to see the world in color. I’m not your problem to fix, I need to fix me on my own. I want to finally make that change. I will make this change. That’s the least I can do.

[afterthesun0617]

When the circumstances that are dealt aren’t ideal how do you know when to quit or when to stay. It is not under our control and we cannot do anything about it. I can either accept the fact that I can’t get what I want out of this relationship or I can not accept it and leave. I know this is only temporary and I just feel like I am on standby. Never knowing when it is finally going to happen. He can’t give me that answer either. I don’t want to leave because I feel like that is just taking the easy way out. No one is ever going to have the perfect relationship and yes everyone needs to make sacrifices. But I just don’t know where to draw the line, when is it worth it and when isn’t it anymore? Am I sacrificing my values? I can’t let go of someone that I love when it is something that we can’t control. When do I draw the line? I don’t know what a normal healthy relationship is and everyone is telling me that I’m sacrificing too much by being with someone that can’t provide me with the huge big values that I have in relationships. I don’t want to be persuaded by anyone else, I want to make my own choice. Can I really give up not being able to spend time with each others friends and family, and not being able to travel with my SO? Even though this is temporary, not knowing how long this will be temporary makes it feel like I’m just waiting, and since there is no given date, I am just waiting on standby..how much time will go by? What if I keep waiting and it never happens? I’m not trying to be negative but I need to think of every possible case scenario. What do I give up the things I want in a relationship or you. 

I just don’t know how much is too much to sacrifice?

[afterthesun0617]

I deleted all my social media except this one. I’m keeping this one as a safe place for me to vent out my feelings and thoughts and just basically get away. Get away from everyone else’s lives and just focus on my own. I don’t know what to say but that:

1. It’s not my fault

2. I didn’t know (therefore 1.)

3. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

4. You can only do your best

[afterthesun0617]

I really have everything I’ve ever wanted.

and no one to share it with.

[afterthesun0617]

I picked up a random book, flipped to a random page, and this is what I turned to. Something that is exactly what I needed.

[afterthesun0617]

Just another talking stage.

I don’t think my heart can handle another talking stage. I feel like I’m in limbo right now. 2020 was supposed to be the year I lived up my life and showed a huge “fuck you” to anyone and everyone who slept on me. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Yes I have my career. But life really does get harder. I don’t even know if I wanna stay in this department. I had a dream department. A plan. Now here we all are in limbo. Just waiting for some good news. For things to just fall into place.

But life doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t JUST fall into place. We have to work for what we want. Right now I don’t know what I want anymore. My emotions are hieghtened. I’m emotional. I’m disappointed. I’m upset. “you can’t have it all at once”.

If this doesn’t work out, I don’t know what will. I trusted you and told you I feel safe with you. And now it’s changing and I can feel it. What the hell is life anymore. “One day you’re 17 and planning for life and one day and that one day is today” and now I’m 25 still figuring it out. I want certainty. I want security. I want consistency. Why can’t I just keep a good thing for once? I want to know I’m not alone, and right now that’s all I feel, is alone.

[afterthesun0617]

I want to be in love. I want to be swept off my feet. Ironic how the hopeless romantic has never experienced THAT type of love. I want to be loved the way I love. Love is blind and I’m too nice and too caring and that gets taken advantage of. What’s it like to be swept off your feet and know for a fact that the person you’re in love with, is in love with you too? I’ve been disappointed so many times that I self sabotage and think that no one is good enough to be with me. But in reality I’m just hoping- that someone will surprise me and sweep me off my feet.

[afterthesun0617]

Damaged.

i know what my therapist would say to this. She would say to not make something more than it is and that I’m not damaged I’m just learning. She would say not to be hard on myself if I still make the same mistakes, just to remind myself that next time I’ll do better.

I don’t know why I push good things away and self sabotage. I’ve been in so many toxic and 1 sided relationships that i’ve literally wasted years on. I guess I just really don’t want to be in those situations ever again. I love too hard and get taken advantage of because I’m too kind. I definitely learned my lesson and to love myself first and to cut off anyone and anything that doesn’t serve me. I only have room for good vibes. I do get lonely. But I don’t trust anyone. And when I do, I push them away. Maybe because I’m trying to prove to myself that I don’t need anyone. Or maybe my standards are high bc I know what I have to offer and at this point I feel NOBODY deserves my love. I used to be such a hopeless romantic, a fool for love. But maybe my love for love as gotten me where I am today. Alone because I’ve put the idea of love on a pedestal and because of that I’ve put up with things I shouldn’t of. I’m damaged when it comes to love. I’ve lost myself for someone else. I’ve given so much love that sometimes I feel that there’s nothing left. To me, the love that I used to dream about and read about in books and see in movies doesn’t exist. And that’s the part that hurts me the most. I used to be so optimistic, that everyone deserves love and I would go around giving it to people who I thought needed it the most. But I ended up getting hurt in the process. And now it hurts me that I genuinely feel like the love I’ve always dreamt of just simply does not exist. It just doesn’t happen. For those who have experienced I true real genuine, self less love. You are the lucky ones.

How do I get out of this rut?

[afterthesun0617]

Quarantine.

This is my first post I’ve written while we are all in quarantine. So many thoughts are going through my mind. Mainly it’s thinking about how things will be so different after this is over. Will we all really come out of quaratine a whole new person? And if so, how long will we stay that way until the usually “normal” falls back in place and we slowly fade back into the people we were before quarantine as we slowly transition back into our lives?

Little update: I finished nursing school and passed my boards! I am officially a registered nurse. I’m trying to not complain given the circumstances but it does kind of suck that I haven’t been able to celebrate yet. I should be living my best life right now. I’ve finally made it. After years of hard work, tears and striving to get to where I am today, I finally freaking made it. I wanna celebrate with my friends and family the right way. Had to postpone my graduation party. BUT it’s okay, I made it. I’m a nurse now and that’s all that matters. Can’t do much about things we can’t control like this virus happening. I just hope and pray that everything will be okay. Introverts and quarantine don’t mix. I’m become so much more sentimental. I’m trying not to worry. I just want everything to be okay. I’m praying to God for the world right now, as the world needs his love.

I hope everything will be okay and I know it will be because God is with us, we just need to do our part, social distance and be patient.

I guess this post was a prayer in itself.

In Jesus name, Amen.

[afterthesun0617]

to all the boys...

that couldve been: 

#1: I knew youd break my heart the second I got into your car. Youre the epitome of my type and -superficially -you encompass everything I’ve been looking for. You’re a few years older than me, you have your life together because you have a real career, you’re a wholeass adult. Live on your own, nice car good job, parties but also know how to be “wholesome”. Physically as much as I late to admit your body is b e a u t i f u l. You’re tall, your arms ares toned as fuck, and your abs- goddamn. You have a cute face too and its cuter when you cuddle me and I turn around and you’re right there on my back. You took me to knotts scary farm, the movies, we watched all of euphoria together after you chasing me. 

But despite all of this perfectness and fantasy like things. You were too good to be true, and you were. There were a plethora of red flags that I shouldn’t of made excuses for. You took at the least 5 hours to reply, you only were free to hang out on the weekends, everytime I tried to DTR or ask what your intensions were you dodged the question with a sarcastic joke. You were nice to look at, and our dates were fun and wholesome and then they weren’t wholesome. But 3 months...in the talking stage? no one spends 3 months in the talking stage. 

I was a side. and I didn’t know it. You met someone, and you dragged me along. Talking stages last at the most 1 month. You wasted 3 months of my time and my naive ass thought it was going somewhere. But it wasn’t. Because you spent weekdays with her and weekends with me. I didn’t even find out until I asked and 2 weeks later you post your brand new girlfriend on your instagram. 

You are by far the worse heartbreak I’ve had. 

Because you fooled me.  

[afterthesun0617]

Am I really this bad at dating, or am I setting myself up for disappointment? It’s pretty hard to meet people in real life now a days, and meeting people online is never the best place either. I’m so quick to shut down people who are wholesome, and then give out chances left and right to fuckboys. Yet here I am still putting myself out there despite all the short comings, fuckboys and utter disappointments. I’m picky and have standards it feels like I’m weeding out all the people who belong to the streets. 

I have to be doing something wrong, why should I have to go through all these fuckyboys just to find the wholesome one that fits my standards? I feel like theres a faster, more efficient way to find love...right?

My therapist says its okay, I learn from my lessons, I learn from one boy, move onto the next, learn from him too, and move on to the next. And its true, I am learning. 

[afterthesun0617]

I’m so emotional. Everything keeps getting harder and harder. I’m having mental breakdown #1 of post-grad nursing. I take my nclex in three weeks and to be honest I didn’t expect myself to be this stressed out over it. My schools exit exam is harder than the nclex, and I passed that. So if I can pass that, then I can pass the nclex. I guess it’s just so intimidating but I need to not look at it that way. I need to pass the first time, I have to pass the first time. I AM GOING TO PASS THE FIRST TIME. I need to take a break from studying because my scores were going up, but lately I’ve been so stressed that my scores on the practice tests are going down. I just need to breathe, take a break from studying. Relax. everything is going to be okay. (please God, let everything be okay).

[afterthesun0617]

so this is what it feels like to be lonely

I don’t want to be sad anymore. I’ve been listening to the same playlist since December. It’s march and I’m still listening to sad songs, still getting disappointed and genuinely believe that the type of love that I want does not exist. Why is it that when I want to be single, people want me and I push them away and then by the time I realize this is what I truly want its too late. my standards are so high I’m quick to shut people down. I’m caught in between “maybe I should give people a chance” and “but I don’t want to settle” 

[afterthesun0617]

This was inspired by Lara Jean.

There’s something about the people that we never dated that seems to linger in the back of our minds. In my personal opinion these people are harder to get over than the people I’ve actually dated. The people I actually dated -I already know what it was like and all the reasons it didn’t work out. But the people I almost dated- those are the ones that linger in my mind. It makes me think what could've been and be so curious of how it might've been like if we had dated. 

I’m supposed to be learning and growing but I see a pattern in my love life. I always go for the ones that don’t want me. (call me toxic). I reject people and then the second they move on from me I change my mind. It’s like I like the challenge? If a person straight up tells me they want me- all of me- I shut them down and runaway. But when a person moves on from me, or doesn’t want me all of the sudden I want them. Why am I like this? This is a very serious question that I have yet to answer. I guess the takeaway from this is that I learned to not shut people down too soon. To give people a chance before it’s too late. I just love to chase people that are out of reach...or that was once in reach and no longer there. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes when it comes to my love life - this is a pattern I need to break.

I feel like I’m chasing you despite the fact that I told myself that I wouldn’t chase an idea of someone whose already gone.