There's a lot of things to be said for adjustment. I'm adjusting to being very fem and gender fluxed after being not fem at all and identifying soley as male for about 10 years. I'm adjusting to being in a new city next to a city that I lived in for nearly a decade before 6 years in the south. I'm adjusting to having an extremely heavy crush (it's killing me). I'm adjusting to being my own boss. I'm adjusting to being a lot more emotional, touchy, and also reserved in ways that I have not been in a long time. As a writer, I'm adjusting to using Speech-to-Text dictation because of my inability to type anymore. Out of everything, this is the hardest adjustment I am finding. Because it forces my brain to look at storytelling in a non-textual way. Don't get me wrong, I'm fantastic at talking. I always have been. I give speeches, I teach, I lecture, I can ramble for hours. I'm a talker. People who don't like to talk tend to flock to me because I will talk for them. This kind of talking is different, largely in that a lot of my writing for me often feels like I cannot verbally explain it. It feels like my language does not fit unless it is flowing out of my hands. This is why I also paint, draw, exedra. What's more, and this is where life gets really interesting, if I'm writing about fucking, or the things that I find hot I now have to say them out loud. And not in a whisper, because otherwise my dictation device won't hear it. I have to loudly and semi-clearly say things, that even now I am stalling in saying. I'm not shy about fucking. I'm not shy about playing. I'm not shy about talking about it. But it seems I'm quite shy, or at least a little bit nervous, about talking about it in this way. About thinking about it before saying it. About there not being a direct target for this type of talk. My phone is harder to dirty talk than an audience, it seems. Because when the audience is my friends, or me and a play partner hot in the moment, or a class, or a newcomer to kink, or a fucking stranger, it's easy. But sitting here And visualizing the objects of my affections Allowing scenarios to roll through my head Feeling the phantom touch of hard hands gripping up my flesh I'm finding my voice becoming much quieter My fingers sliding to type, and then pulling away And I'm finding I will need to practice Practice talking about how you would hold my head against the wall Fingers brushing over my bared teeth Before shoving them into my mouth And pushing deep into me Until my stomach clenches Despite my squirming Despite my biting down The sound of a slap and the flicker of lights and my eyelashes in response My nails as they claw and tear Your breath in my mouth To replace my own Lost under your pressure I guess I'll have to practice
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
stormborns