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featured: sleepy kitten argues with me about getting up.
Featured: the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces
[offscreen voice] “hey.” cat: “wahhh?? waaah?” “what.” “wehhh…” “yeah I know. we’ve gotta get up.” “wehhhh!” “we’ve gotta get up.” “waahhhhh!” “we do!” “waa–”
@phlebasthebroenician we’re the human and the kitten alternating
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The Deep Blue Sea (2011) dir. Terence Davies
Lust isn’t the whole of life, but Freddie is, you see, for me. The whole of life. And death. So, put a label on that, if you can.
Gentleness is so important. Gentleness of the heart. Gentleness of the spirit. Gentleness in one’s aura. Gentleness in one’s own motivations and actions. Gentleness that is both embodied and practiced.
So this guy just wrote me and…
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Helping Your Loved One With Flashbacks
This is a continuation of my “Writing Characters with PTSD” series, or perhaps more aptly for this particular piece: writing a character who loves someone with PTSD.
Mandatory disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. I am, however, someone with PTSD who has and still sees multiple mental health professionals for PTSD. I’ve also done PTSD “self-help” reading, as well as read texts psychologists read for treating patients with PTSD. However, bear in mind that PTSD is largely variable and everyone experiences it differently. I have merely noticed that some people writing characters with PTSD who don’t have PTSD might have encountered a lack of information from the perspective of those who have PTSD, and am therefore creating resources to fill that void.
Anyway, onwards!
So, first of all, if you know your loved one has PTSD, but have not yet witnessed a flashback:
Open a discussion! This is the most important thing to do. It helps to use broad language that uses an out, like: “If you’re okay letting me know, I’d like to know what I can do to help you.” Let them set the boundaries; no one knows what’s best for them except them. Also, if they don’t want to talk about it, don’t try to make them! Some people don’t even want to acknowledge they have flashbacks, or don’t know there are different kinds of flashbacks, and thus get defensive if you ask after it. Trying to force them to talk will just lead to misery for both of you
If you are witnessing someone experience a (non-Implicit/emotional flashback), and do not know what they specifically need, here are some Do’s and Don’t’s:
DON’T:
touch them, even if you warn them you’re going to. Slapping them or shaking like you see in mainstream media might help, but more likely you’ll just end up with someone who is more distressed.
Don’t start yelling or telling them to “snap out of it”. If they’re aware it’s a flashback, chances are good that they’d like to.
Don’t pressure them to tell you what the flashback was about. They don’t owe you an explanation, even if watching them be in distress has upset you.
DO:
Ask what they need/offer to listen if they want to talk after the flashback. If they want to move on and not acknowledge it, let them. Flashbacks are pretty embarrassing if someone you didn’t mean to see it, saw it.
During the flashback, try to keep onlookers to a minimum. For the same reason as above, your loved one will likely have a harder time recovering from the flashback if they feel less embarrassed.
If they’re not sure what would help but indicate they want it, feel free to suggest things, but don’t push them to do any. For example, some people find that intense sensory sensations help, similar to dissociation: if available, mint foods, spicy foods, or sour foods might help; ice cubes or a cold wet towel might help; Lightly slapping their hand (like a high five) might help. Or, offer a soft blanket and/or pillow to hug if possible. Offer to put on music or some nature sounds like waves (or railroad track sounds– I find that one especially helpful but that’s personal preference). Some people might want physical contact after, so offering a hug also might be a good plan. Most of the time, things to get your heart rate down is the best thing to do after a flashback.
If you are witnessing someone experience an Implicit (aka emotional) flashback, you may think that their emotions are wholly inappropriate for the situation and be inclined to brush it off and/or get angry. But, if someone’s emotions seem inappropriate for the situation, especially if you know they have PTSD (and especially PTSD resulting from long term situations, something sometimes called C-PTSD, there are a few things to do that can make you both feel better:
Validate their emotions. Ask them what they’re feeling, and even if they can’t identify it, let them know it’s okay that they’re feeling it (and even if you’d both probably rather they weren’t, try not to show that).
Ask them if they know what happened that they’re feeling this way. Or aka, identify the trigger They may not know this, but it’s a good place to start. If they start looking anxious about trying to figure it out, don’t push.
If they get angry, or angrier, when you try to talk about it, let them know it’s okay to drop it, and let it drop! Pushing might be done in therapy, but unless you’re literally their therapist what they need isn’t therapy from you, it’s support, on their terms as much as possible.
If they don’t want to talk, try to stick with them through the emotion (unless what they say they need is to be alone) and try to distract them from the emotion. Try to avoid their favorite things, because sometimes those things then become associated with negative emotions, but maybe watch something or play a game they like but don’t love.
The best thing to do with implicit flashbacks is to show that even though they can be scary and hard to handle, you’re not going to give up on your loved one or resent them for it. Once the flashback/emotion has passed, if they said something or did something in the heat of the moment hurt you, it is absolutely okay and good to let them know that they did. Start it with something like: “I know you don’t want to hurt me, but when you said/did x, it made me feel y. I’m not mad, but I am still feeling y.” And then make a plan for if/when implicit flashbacks happen again, to try and ensure that you don’t get hurt while trying to help.
Finally, the most important thing you can do for any kind of flashback: realize that the flashback itself is not intended to make you feel bad! It’s really not about you, even if someone lashes out while having a flashback. There needs to be some responsibility for actions, but there also needs to be understanding that individuals experiencing flashbacks are often not in control, and therefore lashing out is not a conscious choice, but a symptom. Individuals in most cases will feel guilty and seek to make amends, but helping them be responsible is not the same as blaming them. Responsibility is “you hurt me, how can we ensure we both feel better if/when this happens again” and receiving an apology. Blame is “I can’t believe you’re like this. You just make me feel terrible.” (And yes, statements like blame do happen. A lot.)
TL;DR:
communicate with your loved one! Only they know what’s best for them.
Don’t try to shorten a flashback, unless they give you instructions before hand on how that works for them.
Help them be responsible for their actions without blaming them for them.
Some people feel like self harming or are suicidal after flashbacks. If they tell you they are going to hurt themselves or someone else, you should absolutely intervene. If they say they want to, without indicating a plan to, don’t go overboard on fussing; let them know it’s okay to feel suicidal or like they want to hurt themselves, so long as there isn’t intent to harm and make a plan for if the feelings get to the point of planning. It’s like their brain has a backseat driver who’s really pushy. Sometimes they feel like they should listen to those instructions but that doesn’t mean they will, and the last thing they need is to fear like they can’t talk about the feelings. Letting them talk about it without judgement from you may actually make it less likely for them to take action.
As always, if you have questions or want to know more, please don’t hesitate to reach out! I am always willing to talk, regardless of if you’re someone without PTSD who is seeking to more accurately portray it, someone who has a friend or loved one with PTSD who wants to know how to talk to them about it, or someone who has PTSD who these pieces maybe help feel less alone. 💜
when ur 5 minutes late feeding the cat
5000letters:
Gruff men who get all soft and happy when they’re with you
Big men with calloused hands who touch you like you’re something incredibly special
Grumpy men who chuckle at your bad jokes
Calm men who get protective and irrational and then pretend like they didn’t
Stoic men who look at you with gentle smiles on their face when you’re not looking at them with an expression that sort of says “I can’t believe she’s with me.“
