[ugly-x-deactivated20160910]

[ahmaadmuhammad]

[agitatedhesitation]

I don't know if I should get lost in you or runaway from you. I don't know if you're everything you say you'll never be or if I'm just overthinking a good thing into bad like I always do. I don't know if these dreams are warning signs or just my brain fucking me up like you seem to be doing. I don't know if you're happy or not. I don't know if I'm happy or just settling. I can't stop thinking and I can't stop them from saying things to me. But their words hurt, and I can't do anything about it anymore. I can't seem to get through to you, and it shouldn't be this hard. Talking to you shouldn't be this hard. Being with you shouldn't be this hard.

[agitatedhesitation]

Adrenaline Rush (n): You whispering i love you in my ear.

Butterflies (n): A limp, winged creature that has been dead for as long as I can remember but wakes up the second your presence meets mine.

Flames (n): the line you trace on neck as you kiss me.

Plastered: (Adj): How kissing you feels. 

Fear (n): The idea you not being there anymore. 

[agitatedhesitation]

He's the human embodiment of all my fears. His name shoots both butterflies and daggers in the pit of my stomach. His touch puts out the fire in my chest and ignites it everywhere else at the same time. That one time he whispered lyrics in my ear as I kissed his neck still rings in the back of my head. I came together and fell apart all at once as his lips touched mine. His arms are a port in a storm. His heartbeat is the most calming sound I have ever heard. I don't think there was ever a second where I was truly angry at him. Even at his most irrational moments, I never felt angry enough to walk away. He makes me pull at the ends of my hair from frustration but it's all out the window if it means I get to run my hands  through his hair, tongue over his lips, and hands on his back. He calms me down and makes me go insane at the same time. He's everything good and bad in my life. He's scattered thoughts in the back of my head that I tried, and failed, to put together in one piece of writing.

[nixxie-fic]

[twoharts]

[sherlockology]

[agitatedhesitation]

You need to forget because he already did

Every memory you had with him flashes before your eyes. And that punch in your gut turns into a hole. And you feel pain and hurt and numbness all the same time. You didn't even think a person can feel all of that at once. But it happens and you try to stop it but you can't. And it never does.

You choke back tears and splatter your anger over pages and paintings and innocent bodies that thought you would give more. But you're drained. You're a beat up shoe, ripped apart from walking too fast and running too much.

You're a thousand year old book threatening to crumble at the nearest touch.

You're everything that was built to fall apart.

And despite all of that you don't forget, and he never remembers.

[agitatedhesitation]

                                                      Reasons why I’m scared 

I would rather fuck myself up with math than fuck myself up with you. Because I'm frightened that one day you'd wake up and realize that you're in love with someone else and it'd be too late for me to pretend that I was never in love with you to begin with. Because I would never say it to your face but I always knew that you were too good and too great to be fully mine. Because I knew that sooner or later you'd wake up and realize that I'm just a shell of human being guarding a mass destruction of thoughts and remnants of a person that no longer knows how to properly function without driving anything that comes too close away Because I'm not interesting or fun or adventurous. Because I think one hundred and twelve times before I send you a text if I'm annoying you or not. Because I write poems and articles and I gather up facts on why I shouldn't fall for you. Because I'm jealous as hell when I shouldn't be. I used to pride myself with being too secure to worry about betrayal. I use to laugh in paranoia's face as I kicked it to the curb, now I'm sitting next to it, too scared to cross the street. Because I used to be all about love, for love, and with love. Now I'm screaming ' run from love', 'avoid love', and 'escape love'. I'm so scared of committing to anything that I can barely commit to a three-hundred-page-book. Because I got so good at making everyone believe that I'm fine that I sort of believed it too. And now I know. When you say a lie enough times you actually start to believe it. Maybe I can say that we'll be fine, too.

[irretrievabledelicacy]

have mine you little shit

send me a url and i’ll tell you what i think about them.

       so as you know i’m freaking out over a whole bunch of stuff and hahahahahhahahahahhaha i’m not doing anything about it i’m not doing my replies i’m not doing this fucking short story i’m not even trying to figure out my fucking future concerning college no i’m writing this fucking meme to tell you how much i unfortunately fucking love you

       i expect you to at least pay my rent because i’m pretty fucking sure i’m gonna fail everything and considering i can’t even get one short stupid story out, i’m not gonna work as well. okay, back to the point; banina, there are no words to describe how much i love you, okay? we’ve known each other for—6 years. you’ve seen me go through puberty. you’ve witnessed all of the horrible personality phases i’ve went through, and yet you’re still here. you’re my unfortunate soulmate and possibly the best thing that’s ever happened to me in our godforsaken horrible school. it’s been scientifically proven that i cannot live without you at all. it’s impossible. we’ll drift apart but we’ll always find a way back to each other (quoting forwood here, although i don’t even ship it that much. or anything on tvd, really.) you’re the only person i want to talk to when i’m upset because i know you’ll understand and i know you won’t sugarcoat stuff and i know you’ll always make me feel better. you’re the most beautiful, enticing creature i have ever had a firsthand encounter with and you’re just so fucking divine that it seriously leaves me in awe how much i’m lucky enough to be best friends with you. you’re like my girlfriend without the rewards.

       i’ll scream at you at 6 am because i have ideas or because a headcanon popped up in my head and you’ll pretend that i’m not annoying and you’ll pretend to be as excited as i am and i’m just grateful to have you in my life and i never want to let you go and i just—

       i envy whoever’s gonna be lucky enough to marry you one day because gdi i don’t think they’ll understand how terrific you are and i hope they notice all of the tiny quirks you have like the annoying thing you do when you read something and you have to keep selecting the whole page and i hope they fucking love it just as much as they love you and i hope they admire your smile every time they’re lucky enough to see you genuinely smile their way and i hope you knock the breath out of their lungs whenever you laugh so hard your face turns red and i hope they find you cute when you shrug and i hope they find you adorable when you’re frustrated and i hope they shower you in kisses whenever you’re giving them the death glare just to feel your smile against their skin and i hope they’re a good cook because you’re fucking horrible and i hope they take you out and make you dance and sing to your favourite songs in the middle of a parking lot when it’s raining and i hope they get you drunk enough to do karaoke and i hope they’ll let you know how much they love you at random times and be cheeky little bastards 

       and most of all i hope they can finally make you realize that even with all of that, you’re worth so much more than anyone could ever give you.

       you’re gonna publish a book one day and people will fall l in love with every single character in them just as much as i fell in love with every muse you’ve ever made. 

       thank you for being the most wonderful best friend anyone could ever have.