I'm sorry.
Who dis?
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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if i look back, i am lost
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@aguylikethat
I'm sorry.
Who dis?
Because, fuck it.
Yearly Crisis
Well, I've been at my current job a little over a year now (1 year, 2 months), and I'm already feeling increasingly antsy. I can't decide whether I should start outright looking for a new job (what kind, where, and how, I don't know), or if I should take advantage of my company's tuition-reimbursement program and look into grad school programs (again, which program I'd go into, I have no clue). My biggest problem is, honestly, that I live beyond my means. Oklahoma is notorious for paying teachers (extra-) poorly, so struggling with finances as a pre-school teacher isn't unheard of. But money issues are giving me anxiety 24/7 at this point. It's not like I'm out boozing every weekend, or taking extravagant trips anywhere, or even blowing money on any kind of hobby. I work, and I go to the gym. The thing I splurge the most on is (junk) food. Seriously. I feel like I've reached an age where I should be self-sufficient, but the truth is, I'm barely getting by. And that's not an exaggeration. Life is incredibly frustrating. I don't know what else to say.
So do boys and men announce their intentions. They cover you like a sarcophagus lid. And call it love.
Jeffrey Eugenides, "Middlesex"
Ze prettiest pussy.
Before the bad, there were no lines drawn my body was the only sure thing I could control I told fewer lies my biggest failure was not planning sufficiently enough to go to grad school anger and resentment weren't emotions I felt on a daily basis there was a then and a now, but I didn't miss the then so much I had hope
(va)gina
I'm in the bathroom, helping all the kids take their potty breaks. The teacher outside the bathroom is sending them all in too quickly, however. 3 pottys, 7 kids. No. Just no. Anyway, I'm trying to help a little boy on the changing table get out of his wet pets and underwear. Meanwhile, B. and S. (two little 3 year-old girls) are waiting for their turn on the potty. Someone walks out of a stall, and B. goes towards it. She's watching me intently as I'm trying to get clean clothes on the little boy. At the same time, she's unbuttoning her pants and pulling them down. I guess B.'s hands wander for a second after she has pulled her pants down. (By this time, all the little munchkins darting in and out of the bathroom, the noise, and the difficulty I'm having with the squirmy little boy have got me stressing a bit.) S. yells up at me, pointing at B., "B.'s touching her 'gina! Look!" Of course, by the time I look up, B. is not touching anything. Her pants are still down, but her hands are clasped in front of her, and she's avoiding looking at me, bashfully. I say to S., "Well, it's her 'gina! She can touch it if she wants. Worry about yourself, S. Don't worry about B. Now, go potty." It was obvious that, if B. was even intentionally touching herself when S. tried to tattle, she wasn't being blatantly inappropriate. Plus, S. should know Mr. James has no sympathy for her at the moment, since S. has hit, scratched, bitten, and spit on me. All within the last few weeks. But, really, I'm just trying to teach those girls your 'gina, your right.
today was the most difficult day of my life
I struggle with a bitterness towards those people I've pursued. I picture them as a collective, a fraternity founded on deception and false promises. When I'm feeling my worst, I imagine them regretting their treatment of me. I guess I should say, when I felt my worst. Then, I felt that their regret could be justified by those want-worthy qualities I possessed. Now, I can only imagine them cringing at the remembrance of our paths crossing. My worst is now. In my waking, my being. The regret is mine. And, as I was before any of them, I am alone.
Sooooo, I'm 25 now.
Purrrrturbed
(Recent) Mistakes I've Made:
using my phone's contacts list to count the number of FAIL dates I've been on since living in Tulsa (why don't I delete anyone's phone number?!?!?)
leaving my brand new, super soft (and apparently delicious) robe on the corner of my bed, within Mulder's nomming range
not drinking on any given day
watching Silent Hill: Revelation (because it was fucking awful)
looking back at old Facebook private messages I sent to individuals I no longer speak to
not drinking right now
I'm going to continue to be selfish as fuck in 2014.
Sry, str8s. No digital get down for you and me.
So many things I want to write about on here. So many things building up. So much anxiety and angst. Everything is so trivial and so profound. None of it matters in this moment, but when this one is added to the next and the next and the next, it's all growing into something that most definitely matters. I'm living such a selfish life, and the holiday season is only compounding the guilt and sadness I'm feeling upon reflection. At the same time, I feel like selfishness has proven to be my best option, because dependence on others (even fate) always winds up with me playing the waiting game, ending in disappointment. I'm doing my best. For me. And trying to show others appreciation along the way. I can't muster much more outward emotion at the moment, so I'm forcing everyone to settle, I guess. Settle, or move along. That's what I'm afraid of. Settling, or moving along (indefinitely).
Him: I need you to know that I don't like where things ended with us. And I feel like the biggest asshole in the world if I caused you any sort of grief. I meant what I said when I said you deserve the very best. It's just that... I spent a year of my life fighting every day to convince somebody that they were special, and worthy, and losing sleep worrying over whether or not they were eating. And I can't do that again. I was so miserable, and bitter, and resentful. And I'm not saying that you're like that at all, but some of the things you were saying threw me back to that, and it just kind of... freaked me out. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you, and I'm sure you understandably have formed some form of disdain for me, but I still think that you're one of the coolest guys I've ever talked to, and I've never met anybody like you before. You deserved a little more explanation than what I left you. I hope you're doing well.
Me: I hope you feel better now.