If I'm gonna get Published I Can't Be a Bitch

A place to keep everything I've written down over the years.

[ahdrag]

Everything/Nothing

Yesterday I was your everything. Today I am nothing. Today you’re nothing. Words once shared with such conviction now hold no meaning. It’s a crazy thing how people come and go from each other’s lives. It’s crazy how you come and go from mine. Such a contrast.

Once upon a time, I knew all of your secrets and you knew all of mine. Maybe one day we’ll learn each other’s secrets again. Maybe not. Maybe one day we’ll be everything. Maybe not. But today, we’re nothing.

Sometimes you remember me briefly. You come back and in the moment I am your everything. But when the moment passes, so too does the meaning and I’m back to nothing. I wish those moments didn’t end, so you’d stay and live true to what you say. I wish those moments never came, so you’d stay away and remain nothing. It’s never pleasant wondering if you’ll be remembered and get to have everything again.

If you come again, will you stay?

Or will everything fade away?

Will nothing last this time?

Solitude as my paradigm?

If you’re gone that’s okay.

I don’t need you anyway.

Everything and nothing.

I once meant everything, and then one day it was gone.

Everything and nothing.

I mean everything, only when you remember to be here.

So many people take these paths. So many secrets shared then forgotten. So many nothings. It’s chaotic, this part of life. But I’ve come to embrace it. Come and go, it doesn’t matter. Thanks for the good memories when you’re here. The chaos keeps things interesting.

[ahdrag]

Petals

One by one the petals fall. As the days pass on its life slowly fades, the passage of its life marked only by the petals that scatter around it.

What once was a beautiful rose, now hangs wilting, as nature takes its course. Does anyone mourn the loss of it? Does anyone take notice as time and nature slowly strip the life and beauty away from it?

Does the person who plucked the rose grieve over what they've done or consider what they've taken from it, in their selfish act? Because it truly is such a selfish act, to hasten its demise in an attempt to claim its beauty for oneself for such a short time. No thanks is ever given to the rose for what it gives up, to bring someone a brief moment of fulfillment. No thought is ever given to the rose once its gone. It's disposable.

[ahdrag]

Stories about Ourselves

It’s funny to think that we go through life living within a complex duality. On one hand, we pay little heed to the life of those around us, little thought going into the fact that each and every person we meet is doing the exact same thing we are. Yet at the same time, we are all so deeply worried over what those people think of us, and how we impact them. People come and go from our lives as we continue on, but at every moment that’s happening to us, the same is happening for everyone else around us as well. We all live within our own stories, in which each and every one of us is our own main character. Far too rarely do people realize that that person you pass on the street is the main character in his or her own story. There are seven billion people in this world and none of them stop to think of the reality that we’re all the same thing. We’re all just people creating these stories based on the life we live.

 It’s startling to think about just how much worry and importance we put on the ideas of how we play into other people’s lives though. We worry far too heavily about what everyone else will think of us. It’s far less common for us to live out lives as that hero in our own story we are meant to be because we are far too busy worrying about being side characters in everyone else’s story. Yet we don’t realize this. We don’t realize that we are living these lives as side characters when we are meant to be heroes in our own journeys.

 Society has turned us into a giant contradiction, we are selfish when it comes to the things that don’t matter, and selfless when it comes to the things that do. We are selfish little creatures when it comes to how we fit into other people’s lives. We don’t realize what we are to them; side characters, and only worry about what they think of us. But this means we put importance on what others will think about us, and let that hold us back from our dreams or achieving our own legacies for fear of it changing their opinion, or them seeing us fail. We sacrifice the most important part of ourselves, our ambitions and passion, to homogenize ourselves into faceless characters in the background for other people. All the while we are limiting our own potential; it doesn’t even come with the awareness of everyone else around us. We think in worrying over people’s opinions and letting them limit what we do that we are building up that story for ourselves. We think we are creating this story in which everyone likes us. But we aren’t, we’re resigning ourselves to being a secondary character. In worrying so much over something so trivial, we instead become background characters in the lives of everyone else around us instead of the main character of our own.

 I’m not saying we shouldn’t care about other people. I’m saying we shouldn’t care what other people think of us. We shouldn’t let their opinions of who we are or who we should be, become us. It’s entirely possible to live that amazing life you dream of while still caring for and helping the people around you. You just shouldn’t let those people’s opinions control what you are. I’m saying be the hero you’re meant to be. Heroes still help those around them, just don’t lose sight of the the things you’re meant to achieve because of it.

 I’m done living as a side character. I’m done foregoing what I want and need to be happy in my life for fear of what others will think. I’m done limiting myself so that I can maintain my place as a side character in other people’s story. It’s a sad, silly thing we all do, and I no longer want to be a part of it. I suggest everyone else do the same. You have once chance to create a magnificent story for yourself. You have dreams that need fulfilling. You have that girl you’ve always wanted to talk to. You have so much that you’ve held yourself back from because of what other people would think, or imaginary thoughts about how it could go wrong. You have one opportunity to be the hero in your own story. And far too much of that opportunity is squandered. You live within a nightmare of self-doubt rather than your dreams, always holding back on what you want because you’re surrounded by these grandiose ideas of just terrible it will look if you fail. You aren’t Bart, you’re Millhouse. Who the fuck willingly chooses to be Millhouse? Who the fuck wants to be a side character? Who the fuck wants to be an inconsequential part of anyone else’s life? I have so many dreams and great things I want for myself. I have so much I envision doing. Up until now I’ve never really accomplished much of it, I’ve invested far too much of myself worrying over how I fit into the stories of the people around me. From now on I am working towards becoming that hero in my story of life. If other people don’t like who I become as a result, that’s okay. I’m content ending up as one of the characters that is taken out of their story. I don’t want to live my life according to the narrative other people want. No more shame, fear, or insecurity. It’s time to be the protagonist in my own story. It’s time to be a god damn hero.

[ahdrag]

Flames

People are a lot like flames. Some flames burn brighter and hotter than others, but burn out quicker. Some flames burn slower. It's sad to see but it feels so much like the people that burn the brightest burn out too soon. Some are like matches, they burn hot and share their flame before leaving us as quickly as they came. Others are like the flame of a candle, burning slowly and illuminating things for us. Both have their purpose. But those who burn hot and share their flame live on in everyone else they touch. They live brightly and spark a fire in the people around them. They create their own legacy in the lives of those people. They share so much of themselves with us, keeping us going and pushing us further. We are the lights these bright people create. The lives we live and the fire we spread from ourselves to others only adds to the memory of those who built us up; the flames that burned brightly to light our fires. When these remarkable people leave us, it's a tragic loss. The world loses something wonderful. It hurts everyone around us. And just like when a bright flames goes out, it can bring a lot of darkness for those who were around it. There's nothing wrong with mourning that loss. But we must remember they passed a part of their flame to us. That they passed on their fire to us, to burn bright and help others. To illuminate the dark for everyone else. When those lights fade, they are not gone. They will always be within those they touched. They are there within us. Within our flames. We carry on their message of love and helpfulness. We pass along their light. Jeff you were a bright flame to so many of us. Your passion for life was inspirational to so many. You were a brother, a friend and a mentor to everyone. You've touched so many. Your flame will live on. We will carry your memories and lessons with us for life. Thank you for everything. Find peace dear friend.

[ahdrag]

Bad Days/Nights

Cue the sounds so reminiscent to footsteps on gravel. The constant pops and crunches I have become so accustomed to. The grimace-inducing noise of bone scraping bone. Life is now filled with the terrifying feeling of a joint doing something it has no business doing. My shoulder is a god damn mess.

 There are a few rare days where it's as if nothing ever happened. They're few and far between. But there are few things in life I am as grateful for as those magical days. And they seem to come less frequently than ever. Days where I can pretend everything is okay. Days where I can drift asleep like a normal human being should. Days where I hope I wake up feeling just the same.

 More commonly though it's a mild issue. Days full of a dull ache spreading throughout the shoulder in its entirety. Uncomfortable days I am so desensitized to that I can barely consider it pain any longer. The best of these days come from working out. There's a satisfaction to the ache. A normalcy. That familiar sense of soreness from pushing yourself and knowing you'll get a bit stronger because of it. THAT feeling even rivals the feeling of painlessness from the rare days. And it's a feeling I can control, so I chase it eagerly. Working out helps built it stronger. Helps rehabilitate it. But only ever for short term. There's only so much I can do for it. There'll always have to be some sort of down time. And it's in that down time that those other days dwell.

 But today isn't a good day. Nor is it one of those normal days. Today's a bad day. And I am so fucking tired of these bad days. It feels like my shoulder is trying to rip itself apart. Sickening pops are the soundtrack of the day. That haunting sound of footsteps on gravel. Feeling my arm rippling in its socket as I move it. It's hard to hold myself together on days like this. I'm filled with so much fucking anger and pain in moments like this. So much tension builds in it as it literally tries to hold itself together as it falls apart. It's a nauseating feeling that radiates from the shoulder down into the tendons that affix the shoulder muscle to my arm. That dull ache from days before becomes something so all-consuming that it's hard to tune out and continue on the day. It changes from an ache into a burning agony. A feeling of tearing, stabbing and overwhelming pressure. It's days like this you'll find me quiet. I'm not being aloof, or distant though. I'm clenching my jaw so hard it'll cause me migraines later that night. And screaming inside my own mind at the pain that won't leave me the fuck alone. My hand isn't in a pocket because I'm trying to act cool or nonchalant. It's crammed into whatever pocket it's found its way into because that pocket is one small bastion of fucking comfort I have. That whatever pocket it's in is creating some angular pressure on the joint that makes that moment of life tolerable.

 Painkillers don't help. Painkillers fuck me up. Painkillers detach me from everything I'm feeling EXCEPT this god damn arm. Nothing helps.

 And those are just the days. More often than not, mild days give way to bad nights. Going home from work and relaxing doesn't help me. Relaxing doesn't help. When I relax the shoulder gives way and my night becomes bad. Good sleeps aren't very  common for me. I don't fall asleep easily. My shoulder hurts most at night. I don't fall asleep until the late hours. Hours like these as I sit here typing. I don't fall asleep like most others do. I just go until the pain and weariness overwhelms me and my body just gives in and sleeps.

 I'm a bit of an idiot. I caused all of this to myself. I let emotion get the best of me, and it led to this shitty situation. It's a burden I bear for past choices. Catch me on a mild day and I'll say it's a burden I bear proudly. Catch me on a mild day and I'll shrug it off as though it's no big deal. A lesson I've learned. A metaphorical scar I've earned in battle. Something I carry in a manner akin to warrior's pride. Every fucking day with this shitty fucking shoulder is a challenge. A challenge I have conquered for years now. Because of and in spite of this injury I have grown stronger mentally and physically. The arm lags behind my other slightly. But progress is being made. It's slowly catching up to the stronger arm. I tell myself I am a man. A beast. That I won't let this pain and inherent weakness that accompanies it stop me or hinder me.

 But that's on a mild day. And today sure as hell isn't a mild day. Days like today make me question that bravado. Days like today make me wonder if I should smarten the fuck up and see a doctor again. If I should push to get a surgery to fix it or a cortisone shot to help alleviate the issue. It's days like today that make me wonder if I should start steroids or growth hormone because both of which could help. I'm a strong guy when it comes to dealing with this kind of shit. But it's days like today that almost overwhelm me. Honestly? The only reason I don't do SOMETHING about it is pride and stubbornness at this point. I've come these years just enduring that shit and moving on. And the only thing that hurts more than the pain in my arm is the thought of going through this shit for years, and then giving up like a bitch.

 It's almost five in the morning. If I'm lucky I'll pass out soon. Fingers crossed that I wake up and tomorrow is one of those rare good days.

[ahdrag]

No Words

I don’t have all the words to say what’s in my heart It’s an overwhelming feeling, and I don’t know where to start, I never thought it possible to love someone so much And I never thought I’d long so deeply for your touch Love this strong seems simply too good to be true. But my heart is yours, it belongs only to you. My love for you only grows stronger by the day So many different things about you make me feel this way Please don’t ever let me go, keep me by your side. I’ve been hurt a lot in the past, too many times I’ve cried. So I vow it here and now, to never let you go And do everything I can, to let my love show.

[ahdrag]

Unnamed

I don't know what to think anymore, and I don't know what to feel. The only thing I understand is the coldness of the steel. There's a knife in my heart, and you put it there. So tell me why in the past you'd pretend to care? I gave my love so freely, I gave my love so pure. I looked you right in the eyes and knew that I was sure. But now I am alone, and it's plain enough to see, You and I could never work, we just couldn't be. And no I am not angry, and yes I am quite sad. I miss you very much and thank you for all we've had. I'm so sorry if I've hurt you, and for anything I've done. It's not that I'm obsessive, I just thought you were the one. So good luck my dear I hope you're well, and now I'll fade away. I wish things were different, and by your side I could have stayed. 

[ahdrag]

Returns

The Beast is back and born anew, Its eyes glow red; a crimson hue. He’ll shred and tear your soul apart, He’ll rip you open and devour your heart. The Beast is back so now you die. In your final moments it knows you’ll cry. And so your tears provoke it more, Without these tears it’s just a bore. The Beast now comes for retribution, To inflict your suffering is the solution. In his task he stands resolute, You destruction continues until absolute. The beast remains now for all time, Ruining lives for all their crimes. In the end all will suffer. Only purity will act as a buffer.

[ahdrag]

Facade

I hide behind a smile and keep my face so still, But buried in my heart are feelings that could kill. I sometimes stop and wonder how people do not see. The depth of the sadness hidden within me. People say the gateway to your soul is through your eyes. But if that's really true why does no one realise? What is it people see in me when they look deep inside? Do they see the tears I've hidden, begging to be cried? No one really gets me, or understands how I feel. People see in me what they want, not what's real. Some see me as a monster or a very fiendish man. They think I try to act as vile as I can. Some people think I am the most arrogant around. So they try with all their might to smash my ego to the ground. But I guess I can not blame them for not seeing through the lies. How could anyone know me when I'm wrapped within a guise. Part of the problem is my skill at using such sweet words. I say things just-so, and leave a lot inferred. My poetic words and calm facade leave a lot unseen. Which is why no one knows what I truly mean. ?

[ahdrag]

Father.

I'm blessed.

 There are a lot of bad fathers out there. Luckily I didn't receive one of them. While my father is far from perfect, I owe the man that I am and the man I am becoming in part to him. He's asked very little of me over the years and has worked unfairly hard to try his best for myself and my two older sisters. He's been a role model both through his successes and through his mistakes as to the type of man I want to become. While it's fair to say he is far from perfect, I would still argue that there is no better man. No one else truly captures what it means to be a man better than he does.

 My father was an alcoholic. That was before my first memory. And I'm proud of him for having come so far, celebrating another year of sobriety. I've lived a life without that turmoil. A lot of people falter and he hasn't. I think that's when he came to truly find his passion; family. He's changed... a lot. When I say that I don't just mean from when he stopped drinking. Even over the last ten years he's grown and changed a lot. It's an inspiration that even still he's becoming a better person.

 Thanks to him in that regard, I've avoided ever running into that issue myself. I've learned from his mistakes. Or at least the major ones. And that's not said with any sense of bitterness or judgement.  It's spoken more out of gratitude. If he hadn't made the mistakes that he did, I know I would have. He's taught me valuable lessons and I'm grateful for that.

 This however isn't so much a story about his tribulations, so much as it's an appreciation of the impact he's had on my life. That's something I've never really talked to him about.

I know he loves me. He doesn't say it much. I can only assume he knows I love him as well. I also don't say it much. After all, I am my father's son right? I don't complain though. It's fitting. It makes it more impactful when we do say it. I've inherited my father's stoicism. For those who know me they'll know I don't show or express emotions all too well or all too often. My oldest friends tend to consider me emotionless. It's not the case. I've just learned that there's a time and a place to show what's in your heart. Sometimes you need to keep a straight face so enemies won't see weakness. Sometimes you need to keep that straight face so that loved ones can let you support them when they're weak. He's taught me when and how to be strong.

 I know growing up I fucked up a lot of things. And I know growing up there was a point I started to disappoint him. I threw a lot away. From high school on I lost myself. I squandered those years. I squandered my talents. I'm a genius, in the literal sense. I could have ended up doing anything I wanted. This is something he and others often told me. School was easy for me but I just didn't even bother with it. I half-heartedly pursued what I thought was my passion at the time; chess. And this is where the disappointment comes in. I didn't let him down because I disliked school. I didn't let him down because I loved chess. I let him down because I was depressed, and passionless. All he wanted was that I  was happy and that I found a passion and pursued it with my entirety. I let him down. I bitched out on the school work I was good at, by just not trying or caring. And I bitched out by loving chess and not following it completely. I half-assed it...as I always have.

 If I hadn't been so gutless and weak-willed to chase my dream he would have accepted that. But I was too much of a pussy to do everything it took to make it happen. He would have accepted any choice I made for myself so long as it was what I truly wanted. That's the kind of father people talk about being, but rarely live up to.

 I thought back then I had passion. I realise now what he meant. He's shown me what passion really is. He's believed that once I found my passion...my calling... that I could do great things with whatever I choose. I've found that peace. I've found that happiness. And I have my passion. Without him I wouldn't ever have realised I was missing it, and would have lived out a life of mediocrity. Something I now strive to leave behind.  Watch what I become dad. You had faith in me even when I didn't have faith in myself. Now I'll prove you right.

 He's taught me to fight for what I love. He's taught me to fight for what I believe in. A man fights for what's important, whether that fight be literal or metaphorical. He's also taught me that a man doesn't take shit. Pride and integrity aren't common things. They're outdated terms from years long past. My father however believed in these ideals and thanks to him they're a large part of who I am.

 My father put me on the path of what it truly means to be a man. A path I journey down further every day. Without his guidance I wouldn't be the man I am proud to be. And I wouldn't end up the man I intend to be.

 Dad, I think it's safe to say that while Joy and Jen might not have had stories identical to mine about growing up, that they would agree you have helped love and guide them to the women they've become. We love you. We're proud of you. And we're grateful for the choice you made to quit drinking all those years ago. Thank you for being a father men dream of being.

 And mom, don't think that you were any less important to us. We are every bit as grateful to you for all you've done and love you just as much. I can only imagine how much it was to deal with raising kids when he was still drinking. And how difficult it was to be around during that. So please don't feel like we don't appreciate you.

[ahdrag]

Fear

The fear has crept into my soul,

I do not know just what’s its goal.

The fear ... it comes and steals away,

All the words that I might say.

It leaves me speechless; stunned in place

Red hot shame covers my face.

The fear will come and get you too,

The fear will get the best of you.

Not a man alive is immune from fear,

And some will even shed a tear.

Eventually it comes for us all,

And leaves us feeling rather small.

But the test of fear is not to run.

Stand tall, don’t let it have its fun.

Face it with all the strength you can.

Face your fears and be a man.

Because in the end the fear fades away

Your actions decide if your pride will stay.

So when it’s time to face your fear,

Remember you’re not the only one here.

[ahdrag]

The Best is Gone

The best is gone, it’s sad to say, the darker side is all that’ll stay.

It was too good to actually be real, and now I have nothing left to feel.

The love fades and slowly dies, because of your compulsive lies.

Hatred burns hot in my veins, and makes me forget all of my pains.

But I won’t shed a tear for you, because I loved what wasn’t true.

And now a lesson I have learned, if I love I will get burned.

And now the darkness pours from my soul, to fill the gaping wounded hole.

I should have known from the start, you’d leave this chasm in my heart.

But here I stand as strong as can be, I will not let you get the best of me.

And so I write these words for you, of my love that I once grew

So now I become a bitter man, it’s all that’s left, it’s all I can.

At least these harsh feelings never lie, nor did they ever make me cry

Which is more than you can say, but that’s alright, I too can play.

Here comes the beast from within, and in this contest you can’t win.

You have ruined what once was pure, a love so complete, so very sure.

So in its place all that now remains, a vile beast free of moral chains.

[ahdrag]

The Beast

The beast is here, he's back in town; but do not fear, and do not frown. The rage that burns deep in his eyes, stays subtly hidden behind his guise. but soon he'll come on out to play. And then it'll be a grand ol' day. So fear not now, enjoy the times, but soon he'll commit the most heinous crimes. Enjoy the last free moments you'll get because in a week all you'll have is regret.

[ahdrag]

Mine

No one loved me, no one cared.

Isolation left my judgement impaired

No one to hold me, and make it all right

So I hardened my heart and learned how to fight

 Only my tears to cushion the pain

Every night in bed they fell like rain

And everyday I tried to cope

Searching desperately for a sign of hope

 And then one day I suddenly snapped

As if from the heavens the thunder clapped

And there I stood, I was born anew

The new feelings I had were too good to be true

 My heart was now filled with nothing but rage

It was like a beast was released from its cage

When others hurt me they thought it okay

But now I hurt them and they didn’t like it that way

 No one took the blame for what they had done

They turned in fear and started to run

But they could not escape from Karma you see

It didn’t matter if they tried to flee

 And from the Darkness you suddenly came

And it was to my heart that you laid claim

All of the anger you purged from my heart.

Thanks to your love I have a fresh start.

 You say you love me; it shows in your eyes.

You speak the truth, no deceit and no lies.

The problems I face are now in decline

From the joy that I feel in saying you’re mine.

 Tears of joy now streak my face,

I finally feel I have found my place.

It is with you that I surely belong

Even after I sing my swan song

 I’ll love you and cherish you until the day that I die

I swear to you now, I won’t make you cry.

My heart is yours, that is the truth.

These words I write are meant in sooth.

 Forever more, my heart is yours.

You’re the only one my heart truly adores

And as of this day, your heart is mine.

And I praise it’s true our fates intertwine.

l

[ahdrag]

Yours

Back before this had begun

When we first met I tried to run

And then each day you tried anew

To make me see that special you

Everyday I’d run away

And you’d come back day after day

 Now over time your words came true

I slowly saw that side of you

And then you opened up some more

But still I tried not to adore

Bur once again you did persist

And harder it got to resist

 And yet I held stubborn as can be

A loving person just is not me

But these words you  didn’t believe

And still my heart you worked to retrieve

Then I saw you were too sweet to ignore

And over time I wanted you more

 So here I stand craving affection

My heard wide open to your inspection

Shedding tears of joy as you lay claim

Your love’s so special can you give me blame?

And now I wonder is it really true,

Do I really belong to you?

 To my soul you opened the door

Now I am yours, forever more.

And what more else is there to say?

Forever by you I will stay.

We are soul mates, you know it’s true

My heart is yours, I belong to you.

[ahdrag]

Step.

Step. Step. Step.

 I have no purpose. I have no direction. I have nothing. Step. Step. Step. I'm trudging forward endlessly into a darkness of an origin I can not even fathom. I don't know how to get out, I don't even know if I want to. I've never been so confused in my life. I've never been so lost. Lost within my own mind. My own heart. Lost inside the dynamics of my own emotions.

 Step. Step. Step. I keep moving forward. That's what you're supposed to do, right? I don't even know which way is forward anymore. I've stumbled too many times. Too disoriented. I can't even trust my own senses. Can't even trust my own feelings at this point. They work to confuse me even more.

 Step. Step. Step. A flicker. A light. A small glimmering hope off in the distance. I see it flash quickly and then just as suddenly it's gone. But that's all I was waiting for. A small moment of clarity in the whorl of chaos that is myself. That's the destination. That is the objective. That is my freedom.

Step. Step. Step. My feet pound against the nothingness now. My resolve is firm. I am ambitious. I have purpose now. Step. Step. Step. I move quicker. Determination flowing through every step, invigorating my spirit more. Forcing the darkness further from me.

 Step. Step. Step. This is why I was here. To find something. To find meaning. To scour through the shattered remnants of my feelings. To wade into the depths of turmoil I carry inside myself, and find something better.

 Step. Step. Step. You are my purpose, light. You are my freedom. You are the fire that burns inside me and carries me to where I need to be. I am unrelenting now. Stoically I stride towards where the light once shone. Its existence burned into my heart forever.

 Step. Step. Step. And now I know what the light was. I've found my way through the confusion and all makes sense. You guided me when I needed it, and wrap me in your warm embrace. The love flowing through me. Thank you for pulling me back to where I belong. Thank you for taking me home.

[ahdrag]

Rage

The rage consumes, it burns so hot; Obliterating rational thought. A cathartic feeling to ease the pain. A hateful obsession in my brain. Hateful thoughts sow vile seeds, And vile seeds grow evil deeds. So now I do these malicious things And revel in all the pain it brings. And in this game no one wins, As I perpetrate these deadly sins. All my hate has opened the door, And now the hate will spread some more. The rage corrupts anything in contact Which just furthers my infernal contract. My heart as dark and black as night I avoid doing what’s morally right. So I stand before you an evil man, Spreading the pain as best I can.