im gonna fucking cry
wallacepolsom

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we're not kids anymore.
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DEAR READER
Not today Justin

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will byers stan first human second
Xuebing Du
Stranger Things
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

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@icountcards
im gonna fucking cry
you can just feel the self-congratulatory glee of whoever named this paint this color, like they truly thought they were so funny and i think you're so funny paint color naming man good job paint man
never use this color on a wall you're going to be living with for a while, it looks okay at first but holy shit man
Okay, but don't leave this in the tags, man.
why does every cartoon character wear these underwear:
why don't u
because if I wore these underwear the universe would conspire to constantly put me in situations where my pants would get pulled down or destroyed and it’s so hard to find good pants
I have a few pairs of these exact underwear, which I wore whenever possible as a camp counselor.
The reason was that, if you get pantsed, and you weren't in on the joke / it wasn't planned, that's a massive breakdown in respect and discipline, and you have to make an example of that kid (generally by wrestling them, and in serious cases, taking away candy privileges). But getting pranked is still a bad look, and makes it seem cool to rebel against your authority.
However, if you get pantsed, and you are in on the joke, everyone has a good laugh, including you, and no one was actually rebelling. It both makes you look like a cool authority figure and makes the person doing it look like they're the sort of person in cahoots with counselors. Then, if there's a behavioral issue, you can have that quiet conversation later, away from an audience.
And since those underwear are so culturally specific as punchlines in a pantsing gag that the only plausible reason to be wearing them is if you're in on a slapstick act, you can retroactively Shanghai any would-be prankster into looking like they did it with your consent and planning, which not only keeps you from indignity, it makes sure that they're rewarded by laughter and attention for looking like they're cooperating with the staff, encouraging that in the future and bringing them in from the outside of the social-reward structure you're trying to set up, where it's cool too be wacky but responsible.
That preparation effort paid off maybe four times across three years, but it was completely worth it.
The downside, of course, is that when one of your kids goes missing in a storm when it's hailing and pouring sheets of water, and you don't have many dry clothes left, you're reduced to running through the rain looking for them in your underwear, which are situationally inappropriate / jarringly comical to the full extent possible.
Would you rather be in a zoot suit riot or be on a grapefruit diet?
-I'd rather be in a zoot suit riot
-I'd rather be on a grapefruit diet
Would you rather be in a zoot suit riot or be on a grapefruit diet?
I'd rather be in a zoot suit riot
I'd rather be on a grapefruit diet
knife to your throat you have to name a newborn human baby after a pokemon, which pokemon are you picking
I'm going with Dratini idc I think it has a cute flow
did not expect so many people to be down for naming a kid Giratina tbh
"Peggle make phone calls" has become shorthand for "fuck it, whatever" for me but no one ever knows what im talkingabout and it's also longer (longhand?)
peggle make phone calls
"does it have to be queer"
yes, next question, unless the next question is "why", in which case I am pulling the lever
Could it be more queer?
(To my personal assistant) Increase the sea salted wolverine’s budget
my sister and her husband go see new movies a lot and a place near the theater they go to does $5 margaritas on monday so they’ve started doing marg movie mondays where they go see a movie and get a marg but they call the margaritas different things based on what they’re seeing. as far as naming goes “wuthering margs” was a little bit of a miss for me but it was preceded by “margipliers” when we saw iron lung so thats kind of a lot to live up to
me who hasn’t eaten a proper meal in 2 days and has barely consumed any water while operating on 4 hours of sleep: damn why do i feel like shit
evil spirits in head, most likely
i knew it
Circus performer breaks record by cycling 25-Wheels stacked up
my aunt made all the reservations for this vacation so i was fully unprepared to walk into our current rental and discover doors everywhere. it was like that kath & kim bit except instead of gayness it was doors. the coffee table is a door. the bed headboards are doors. the doors? extremely elaborate carved wooden doors
now that i’m home for your enjoyment here are the doors
certified door post
obviously it is i made it
this is for a part-time job as a barista
on an application to work the front desk of a hotel
If minimum wage you'd like to make, This ancient quiz you'll have to take.
Step right up, but be prepared. Those who fail are poverty-snared. Question One! If your labor proves most fruitful, Raking quarters by the bootful, Who should excess profits reap, Me the wolf or you the sheep? Question Two! If, by merit, you're made pope, What will be your fervent hope? Law and order justly paired? Or mercy and the guilty spared?
Question Three! If a train should leave Topeka Driven by a solar squeaker, How then should the cat behave? Give it milk or give it grave? Question Four! Do you have a criminal record?