A Human. And Her Thoughts.

Mostly talks about honest thoughts. Some are daily reflections, self-doubt, inner-weakness and strength. Hello!

[ahumanandthoughts]

I suspect

It's been ages! Like two or even three years? Tumblr is eventually my destiny when I feel there is an urgency to write my thoughts and feelings down, like now.

I feel stuck. I feel my opportunities to grow have been limited by my current circumstances. I feel like my everyday life and day-to-day routines have buried me and made me lose vision of my long-term plan - ehm, which by the way, do I even have one now?

I think my support system has been great so far. My family, who will always be there for me, a supportive office environment and thoughtful friends. I couldn't ask for more, really. However, despite everything, I feel like my mind and body demand changes.

I suspect that my learning curve has been plateauing for a half year or so. I suspect that I am not good enough at utilising all the provided learning facilities thus far. I suspect that my interests have been shifting due to my lazier thoughts. I suspect that my networking is not enhanced due to my so-called busy days. I suspect that my PhD application is not yet going anywhere due to a lack of my focus. I suspect these not-progressive days are actually my fault.

But then, changes have just come to my life recently, both expected and unexpected changes. Adjustments and compromises are not exactly easy to make. They require a lot, I mean A LOT, of energy, focus and many other things. I suspect they also have made a great contribution to my current circumstances.

I do not like the feeling of being stuck like this. What should I do next, according to my concise:

Get back to regular exercises

Consume more fruit

Walk for at least 20 minutes per day

Re-arrange my priorities

Eat healthier foods; food prep?

Sleep and wake up more regularly

Re-assess the communities I joined

Re-assess my long-term plans

Take care, Agatha.

16 May 2023

[ahumanandthoughts]

Those little things

I have just found a reason to write again, after all these years - a bit dramatic but I think the word suits best. Many things have (expectedly and unexpectedly) happened during these first two months of twenty-twenty two. Actually, if I can remind us all, many things have happened since two years ago. A good friend of mine told me that his age stopped in 2020 - when the world looked and ran ‘normal’. Where TB, dengue, HIV/AIDS, NCDs and other serious illness but Covid-19 were our concern to be addressed. As if the world required more additional burden, the Covid-19 came and tore us apart - in both literal and figurative meanings.

I am grateful to have this journey with my family in relatively healthy and happy situation. We are fully vaccinated, soon-to-be-boosted and living safely in our home. But not so for my close friends and many other people when her father passed away due to Covid-19, or children, girls, women and people in Myanmar, Gaza, Afghanistan or other conflicting nations where they have no safe place to sleep in. Needless to say they do not have adequate access to nutritious foods, health care and education. Macro-wise, we understand that lots of things have happened. However, far more many things actually have been occurring, many ‘little’ things, including my habits.

You can argue that habits do not necessarily mean small things per se. They are our ‘weapons’ that shape ourselves to become us today.

-- to be continued soon

[ahumanandthoughts]

My current favorite song since it was released on 12 March 2021!

[ahumanandthoughts]

A simple life

How do you define a simple life? Do you want to have a simple life? Some things/attitudes to be considered if you are about to create a simple life from my end.

1. Being more decisive

Although I believe that I have talked about this specific point in my previous post, I think that was talking about another, different issue. Being more decisive means saying yes and no explicitly and clearly in my mind, words and actions. No more guilty feelings or overthinking.

2. Taking a better decision, quickly

Trust me, leaving something undecided is hell.

To be continued. Too sleepy to continue though many words have been drafted (in my mind) lol.

[ahumanandthoughts]

[ahumanandthoughts]

Life values

I have been listening to one of the most helpful podcasts that I ever heard from the Savy Psychologist. It was about how to figure out something that we want. One of the tips is to define our life values. Mine would be:

Self growth/achievement

Commitment

Family

Community

Caring

But we shall see in the next few days whether they will stay the same.

Revision #1

Self growth/achievement

Family

Friendship

Community service

Caring

Commitment

Revision #2

Self growth/achievement

Family

Adventure

Spiritual

Friendship

Caring

Community service

Commitment

13 Dec 20

[ahumanandthoughts]

How is everything so far?

I think 2020 is a testing year for all of us, including for me personally. If I may determine some keywords for this year, they will be: support, target, comfort zone, battle.

This year has taught me a lot (not always in a hard way, thankfully) that defining your target and comfort zone is indeed important. What could be possibly worse than not knowing what you want to pursue/achieve? Frankly, I sometimes hate myself for not being able to be decisive enough to set my own fate. I know that I don't belong to the "let it flow like the water" club, but what I want is sometimes too complicated and myself somehow fails to clearly define my goal. Yet, I feel like I don't need to be too decisive because I think all decision is good enough for me. Indeed, that can't be totally true because every decision has its own consequences and regrets can be avoided if I choose the decision wisely.

Then I guess, my resolution in the next year is to be a wiser person. How shall I reach it? Practicing a good decision making should be the first item on the list to be explored on. Then, maybe trying to be a better listener as well? Yes, I know that I need to work on my empathy more often. Balancing my thinking and feeling. Supporting my family and friends more, not taking them for granted.

The next year will be coming very soon. Many things to do. Many things to improve. Just make sure that you are holding into something that makes you stronger and believe that everything is (still) possible. If you are lucky enough to have that belief/person/thing to hold on to in your life, I am truly happy for you. Don't let go.

The rock bottom,

Monday, 7 Dec 20

22.20

[ahumanandthoughts]

The psychologist

We have a counselor service at the office and I thought I would love to try making an appointment with the psychologist. So, be it. This month, I had the first appointment with a psychologist ever in my life! This is not something that I am proud of, or ashamed of, but you know, because that was the first time, I feel like it is worth sharing.

Actually, I expected nothing during the session. I mean, I have learned about counseling before, so maybe I have a general idea about it. What I learned was that good counselors usually ask open questions and basically they will not drive their clients, but instead make their clients to think what decision is the best for themselves. I have anticipated all of them.

Precisely at 10.00 AM, a call came. In the beginning of the session, I felt awkward and I told her about it. I also told her that I have never talked to a psychologist before, so I did not know what to do in the first appointment. Thankfully, she was very professional and helpful. She briefed me the ground rules during the session and that the confidentiality is guaranteed. She also told me that the call was recorded to ease the follow up sessions in the near future and I could have the recording as well if I wanted to. After that, the session began.

Honestly, I did not expect her to almost right about everything in our first appointment. I have sensed some problems in me since few months ago and she spotted it. Maybe her 25-year experience cannot be ignored in this case. Thus, she helped me to create a strategy to overcome my problem(s). She told me that we need to try and make progress, yet a progress does not necessarily mean to be successful. She told me that I could freely set another appointment next time. She also told me that she was here for me! Overall, the session was helpful, especially to learn about myself deeper.

However, it is true that talking about mental health is still taboo somehow, including to my Mama. When I told her that I had an appointment with a psychologist, she was surprised and asked, “Why? Are you sick?”. Not to mention that she attempted to come into my bedroom when I was on call with the psychologist and obviously I pushed my door so she could not come in (duh). Oh and one more thing, she said something like “Are you talking about 'something’ with the psychologist?” after the session was over, when I came to the kitchen. Well, obviously, she was all wrong about that ‘something’ and I was not comfortable about it. I mean, I am grateful for my Mama yet she should at least respect my privacy more, or better, she should have been more supportive about it. But I totally understand, maybe she was worried too much about me and that is a kind of love, right? What my family knows about me probably an ambitious girl and is very strong against every challenge, although they know exactly how I will be broken down in some circumstances. But to tell you the truth, I am not that strong and positive (at all). I also need a professional partner to improve myself and I do not think family or friends will do because the chance of being bias is just there and too high.

--

Home, after having chicken kung pao as lunch

Saturday 11 July 2020

[ahumanandthoughts]

(Almost) Midnight thoughts

It’s been a while since I poured my feelings and thoughts in this platform. Although I genuinely wanted to do the writing earlier, it was hard to find the perfect time and mood. When I said hard, maybe I was just being too overwhelmed and overly not excited with these things called life.

These past few months have taught me more deeply about patience. It is true that the patience can be hard sometimes, or most of the times. For me, patience is the gap between what we want/wish/have/happen with the actual thing/condition that we currently have. In the research method, we may refer the occurrence as a problem that can be used as a background in the introduction, the first chapter of your thesis. Nope? OK, we might have different approach in defining something and it’s totally fine! Anyways, patience. Even though my Mum used to tell me to be patient, like almost everyday, the practice is however a little bit more complicated than the statement itself. One huge thing that I can clarify after learning more about the patience during these months is that patience, not losing hope and keep trying cannot be separated to each other if you want to make your patience more fruitful. They complement each other.

There was a one hour pause in this writing process because I helped my brother to find a mouse due to his touch pad on his laptop could not work properly. Sadly, we could not find one although we believe that we should have at least two perfectly working mouse(s) in our home. What a pain. Therefore, we need to buy a new one. Again, our patience is being tested.

Oh, continuing my previous paragraph, yes, those three - patience, not losing hope and keep trying - are indeed vital traits to be mastered in this short life. While patience is a gap between the hope and reality, not losing hope and keep trying are the gap filler. Do you see what I mean?

Not losing hope is an easy thing to do while you are happy, positive and have something to hold on to. However, it is not easy when you’re feeling blue or low. In my opinion, there are some things that you can do if you are experiencing low feeling. Based on my experience, declining mood can occur if some things happen not according to my expectations. So, the only key that works for me is by not expecting anything to anyone, including myself, in the first place. All I am trying to do are relying on my God and thinking whatever the results are, I know that those are the best for me. I am now trying to have this mindset: to let go everything that I did with my best effort and ability, even try to forget about what I did. I tried to apply this mindset especially during the wait for something that I wanted so badly. With no expectations, there will come no pain, well at least we can minimise the pain to almost zero.

Second thing that usually makes my mood turns into low is when I use too much social media, especially instagram. In the past, I had that burning feeling when I looked at my friends’ or colleagues’ update about how success they are, how they achievements are far higher or bigger than mine. After that, I felt my dreams were far too high for someone small like me. Do you know what I did to get rid of those toxic feelings? I tried to apply that super-famous book’s tip by not giving a f*ck about them! I mean, I realise I put too much energy to read, acknowledge and be jealous on their amazing achievements. At the same time, I admit that I am happy and proud of them, but talking about the percentage,those feelings may be only compose about 20% of my overall feelings in looking at their achievements, whilst other 80% feelings are indeed negative. I also uninstalled instagram for more than a week already and I think it is the best decision ever. You can call or judge me anything, but I will be back whenever I feel ready about it. I might have found the key to improve this situation, which is the realisation that achievements come after hardwork and prayers which make them deserve to have such achievements. I also read some other articles and suddenly realise, it is not a good and healthy way to compare my life with others. Lastly, I think it is important to gather yourself with optimistic and supportive group, which in may case is my own family. Therefore, I have just recently realised that I should be more grateful to have my family who tirelessly always support and be there for me. Always.

The third component to have a more fruitful life is by keep trying. I know this is such an old advice, but it truly works! You must have found out this yourself, right? So, I think no long explanation is needed to stress this point.

Let’s keep our lives happy and meaningful! (by any means, your definition. I mean it’s your life, so you are the one who define it).

--

Your supporter,

AS

30/04/20 23.48 WIB

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

7 Things to Quit

1. Getting your self esteem from others.

2. Constantly attacking and putting yourself down.

3. Thinking that others are better than you.

4. Expecting things to not turn out well.

5. Living in the past.

6. Fearing the future.

7. Being afraid of change.

[catchymemes]

[ahumanandthoughts]

It's okay to be sad. Just make sure that once you're done with it, get up and come back stronger.

[catchymemes]

[spellyourguts]

What a strange book...

[ahumanandthoughts]

[ahumanandthoughts]

2020

By the end of last year, I have just realised something (thanks to my dearest junior for saying that fact out loud!). I usually do not classify a person into a specific social group, until I realise that maybe I belong to this specific social group called as THE NERD. Lol! Not that I don’ t like it, in fact, I like it very much! It’s just funny because I need to hear it from my junior who apparently belongs to the same group as mine. It’s funny because sometimes you know yourself better through other persons’ perspectives. It’s funny because maybe, just maybe, you need to be reminded by other persons about who you really are. But I am the person who believe this statement: no one knows yourself better than you do.

By the way, let’s go back to the nerd things. I do only interest in several things. Let’s say that I enjoy reading contemporary fictions, non-fictions and memoirs. I love listening to good music and songs (I also sing along with them). I love Zumba. I am keen on watching good movies and series. I love to do research and educate people. Oh, I love writing as well. However, I have always been thinking that, perhaps, I have been limiting my interest too much, or maybe I am just a person that is not easily impressed, or maybe I have sort of standards that are not applicable to other people’s interests. But, honestly, I would really love to try everything!

This year should be a brilliant start for me to find and learn about other interests and hobbies. I should REALLY make time for them. I will continue my existing hobbies and interests, though. My inner self often asks me: “Hey you. Why don’t you try to learn swimming and playing violin? And learn R and coding? How about start gardening?”. I know, my inner self sometimes demands too much, but is it really too much? No such thing is too much, no? Maybe it reflects how hungry myself for mastering new things, which I suppose, is a good thing. That is the sign of living and growing, right?

May your (and my) goals can be achieved in this year. No such thing is too much or too high. Keep living, keep growing, keep improving. I know that you are doing your best, self.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Stop breaking your own heart by trying to make a relationship work that clearly isn’t meant to work. You can’t force someone to care about you. You can’t force someone to be loyal. You can’t force someone to be the person you need them to be. Sometimes the person you want most is the person you’re best without. You got to understand some things are meant to happen, but just not meant to be. Some things are meant to come in your life, just not meant to stay. Don’t lose yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken. You can’t get the relationship you need from someone who’s not ready to give it you . And you might not understand WHY NOW, but I promise you your future will always bring understanding of why things didn’t work out. TRUST ME. Don’t put your happiness on hold for someone who isn’t holding on to you.”

— Trent Shelton