Life and Me

Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. all we can do is learn to swim.

[recaption]

[ainslieana0100]

I wish i could freeze time and be in this moment with you all my life.

[eliminated]

[ainslieana0100]

I like...

I strongly appreciate...

I really care...

I miss...

I admire...

I want...

I love you.

[eliminated]

[ainslieana0100]

I’m not usually like this, i don’t depend on others, i don’t need anyone to stay, i don’t let myself be vulnerable, i have boundaries because i know people lie and change their minds and leave. i’m cautious. careful. analytical. but not this. with you, i’m completely naked. You tore down every wall i had put up and now i have grown attached to the idea of having you around and it kills me to know someone could have so much power over me.

[understands]

[ainslieana0100]

Ambiguous Loss

is a loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. this kind of loss leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.

I've lost you, but you are still here.

[destroymylife]

[ainslieana0100]

when tomorrow starts without me 

and i’m not there to see if the sun should rise 

and find your eyes all filled with tears for me

i wish so much you wouldn’t cry 

the way you did today

while thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say

i know how much you love me

as much as i love you 

and each time that you think of me 

i know you’ll miss me too.

but when tomorrow starts without me,

please try to understand that an angel came and called my name

and took me by the hand

and said my place was ready 

and that i’d have to leave behind all those i dearly love 

but as i turn to walk away 

a tear fell from my eye, for all my life

i’d always thought i didn’t want to live

but part of me didn’t want to die.

i had so much to live for, so much left to do 

it seemed almost impossible 

but i was leaving you. 

i thought of all the yesterdays 

the good ones and the bad 

i thought of the love we shared and all the fun we had 

if i could re-live yesterday

even for awhile 

i’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

but i realized that this could never be 

for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

And when i thought of worldly things i might miss come tomorrow 

i thought of you, and when i did 

my heart filled with sorrow.

when tomorrow starts without me

don’t think we’re apart 

for every time you think of me 

i’m right here

in you heart.

[compulsive]

[ainslieana0100]

i wasn’t just a hookup 

you made that clear 

i mean more to you than that 

you have made that clear 

you said you wanted more than that 

well what is this.

because all i know is that once you move in your eyes this is over

and 

i’m falling 

and i don't want to anymore if i'm going to have to lose you 

how do i enjoy the next 4 months of you 

knowing you will leave 

how do i fully enjoy all of you when 

i don't want to be totally destroyed when you walk out my life 

i want more for us 

but i'm too scared to lose you now if i speak up 

so ill suffer in silence. 

[understands]

[ainslieana0100]

you know your falling when you can’t fall asleep

because 

reality is finally better 

than your dreams.

[recaption]

[ainslieana0100]

You taught me the way 

the world looks between midnight

and 5am

and god damn 

it it beautiful 

at night.

[understands]

[ainslieana0100]

Someone took notice of her.

Found the space between the mights and might nots.

broke the little left protected,

striking the heart.

Love and hope bedded therein,

built a new home

and then lost the key.

[compulsive]

[ainslieana0100]

I am lost

i'm lost in my mind battling for life and death

in a rainbow

every now and then i make a breakthrough

now our rainbow is gone

then the happiness slips from my figures destroyed by my own mind

overcast by your shadow 

the truma surrounds me, haunts me. 

as our words move on 

it is in the past, our toxic love story as met its tragic end a long time ago 

i am lost 

i have healed 

in a rainbow 

but i’m still broken 

no the rainbow is gone

the pain is gone 

i am lost, in a rainbow 

am i ready? 

no the rainbow is gone 

yes it is 

i am lost 

i am ready.

[understands]

[ainslieana0100]

i'm so used to being yelled at for opening my mouth or speaking about my emotions or feelings it scares me.

i want to put out there what's going on but i'm terrified of being abused.

i want to talk about how 

yes im depressed and yes i'm in a pit atm and yes i was abused and raped 

but i don't want all that to be the focus of my life

it's hard for me to adjust but the people i'm around treat me like a damaged depressed person incapable of being happy.

and occasionally i meet someone who knows about it all but doesnt care, well they care but dont let all that impact how they treat me as a person.

and i want to say that my mood right now is that i hate people but i don't hate people as a whole like the human race, which i sometimes feel alienated from 

but no i dont have people as a whole 

i hate the people that pretend to be there 

be your friend and to support you 

the friend that is “aware” of your mental state and will help when needed 

however that same friend when you tell them your close to suicide doesn't talk to you for four days till they need something from you.

[recaption]

[ainslieana0100]

being used 

something i am not used to 

the past year had been hell 

and everything is taking me awhile to adjust 

i was never full on used or lied to 

today has just been a wake up call to how every human being is in it for themselves 

no one really cares about another human being more than themselves these days 

we have taken up new things to cope 

with the horror of this world

d r u g s 

[recaption]

[ainslieana0100]

you don’t know life till you want it to end 

and you don’t know lonely till you have no friends 

you don’t know death till you want it so bad 

when you talk about your feelings people just get mad

you don’t know broken till people call you sad 

you feel so alone yet you know its more than that 

and you don’t know happy till you cant feel at all 

and you’re to afraid to jump so 

you hope you fall.

[understands]

[ainslieana0100]

I don’t even know why I keep doing this

It’s not like anyone is reading this

I’m fully aware no one likes me

I’m fully aware no one cares

I’m fully aware I’m not someone who deserves to be cared for

I just wish that once in my life someone can be scared of how much they love me

But

That’s not going to happen now is it.

[recaption]

[ainslieana0100]

You know ur fucked when

You want love and happiness

But u know all to well you will never experience it anymore

Not because no one will love you

Not because happy things won’t happen

But because I’ve become a person who can’t be loved

A person so undeserving of anything good

I’m a lost cause.

[understands]

[ainslieana0100]

I know when it gets like this I have to ask for help

Call someone talk to someone just tell someone

But I don’t really

I can’t say to someone that I want death

Nothing else

Not happiness

Just death

It’s not like I have anyone to talk to

Everything is back to “normal”

But I’m still here

Wishing that I wasn’t

After all this time nothing has fucking changed

I’m still all alone.

[destroymylife]

[ainslieana0100]

The medication stopped working three days ago

The night terrors are back

Today was the worst

I haven’t had a panic attack at work in a long time

No matter how happy I get

It’s always undone by that fucking event

By that fucking person

Everything is just pushing me closer to the edge

And you know what

I wanna fly