For my future self (if necessary).
I haven’t really used tumblr since I was 16. I mean, I’ve used it occasionally since then, but I’d say it’s been a solid few years since I really got on here. Honestly, this may be my first time publicly sharing any information about myself in the entire time I’ve had my tumblr. However, no one I know uses the app anymore and I have a strong urge to type this for future me, so I’m going to do it.
Eight months ago, you were a year deep into an emotionally abusive relationship. You were two years into college, had given up most of your friends, had severed a lot of contact with your family, and your mental health had never been worse. You loved him, but you were miserable. You knew he was, too. That being said, you felt you had sacrificed everything for him, and were so scared to lose him. He was your world and you had made him the center of your life. You did everything you could to make him happy, and nothing seemed to be working. You couldn’t understand why you weren’t enough. Why being supporting, loving, and doting couldn’t make him feel better, happier.
One night, you got in one of your worst fights with him ever over absolutely nothing. He threatened to leave, told you if you came home and he was gone then that meant you were done for good. This was your final straw. You had loved him, but deep down you knew this wasn’t love anymore. So you broke up, he moved out, and it was done. And you were alone.
You are terrible at being alone. Up until this point in your life, you had been single for a grand total of 6 months since you were 14. Now you were 20, in college, far away from home, with very few friends and a strained relationship with your family. You never had to learn to be by yourself because you’d never had to be by yourself. Look, I know how awful that sounds. You’d assume someone over the age of 18 would know how to be alone, but you genuinely didn’t know how to be. You didn’t want to learn.
The best thing you have ever done is force yourself to be alone. You reconnected with your friends and reestablished your relationship with your family, but staying out of touch with those who cared for you isn’t what I mean when I say you forced myself to be alone. I mean that you stopped looking for love and appreciation from others and started looking for it within yourself. You became your own biggest fan, your own #1 supporter, your own cheerleader.
You had stayed in a relationship that destroyed your confidence for over a year. At this point, you had very little hope that you could truly love yourself again. You hated the person you’d become because you allowed yourself to change in order to make your partner love you. Forcing yourself to recognize your instabilities, your toxic traits, and your other bad habits gave you the opportunity to change and put forth a conscious effort into becoming a person that you could be proud of.
Fast forward to eight months later. You are the happiest that you have been in years. You’re healthy, you’re confident, you have an amazing support system of family and friends who you love and who love you. You’re putting more effort into your education, have started writing music again, and can truly say that you love the person you see in the mirror. You’re not perfect, and you still have your bad days. You still rely too much on the opinions of others. There are times where you still search for validation from everyone except yourself. But you see, self-love is a process. It takes time, it takes effort, it takes a hell of a lot of work, but it’s worth it. You’re not where you would like to be yet, but you’re getting there.
So, I guess I’m just here to say that you’re happy now. I’ve been thinking a lot tonight about how awful I felt about myself and my situation a year ago. I didn’t think it was ever going to get easier. I’m so thankful that I was wrong. I know that I will go through bad times in the future, seeing as life is consistently cyclical. However, next time I’m struggling, it’ll be nice to know I have this to look back on as a reminder that it is entirely possible to regain happiness even when it feels like all hope is lost.
prguitarman
kianamaiart
tangentwithtanner
