"Call it creature enrichment," Aiyla quipped, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Has scolding you ever gotten me anywhere? Why would I repeat the same tactic over and over again? That is madness, and I don't need to shove myself there more quickly than necessary," Aiyla defended. She had come here to do something, release some unspent energy in a place that, despite being quite chaotic, felt oddly comforting. "Then sit on the shore and wail, you did far better in the water but by all means who am I but your Queen to tell you what to do," Aiyla shook her head, "You could have done whatever you pleased," she softened in the next breath.
"I am not in the business of forcing members into shapes and manners they do not want- forced compliance is not compliance, not really and I don't want that, do you?" She asked, exhaling the weight she wore around her shoulders.
"I am tired of that assertion we were too rough, too out of control," she rolled her eyes, "you tip them all, and then everyone is wet. An eye for an eye? The blind leading the blind," Aiyla shook her head, "Maybe it would have felt good in the moment, but moments pass and consequences stick around," Aiyla pointed out sagely.
"Perhaps isn't an answer. It's avoidance." Aiylas's eyes followed him, grabbing empty bottles. His expression leveled on her, and she had an answer in the silence. She met his stony look with furrowed brows and a frown; she wouldn't blink, her head held high even as she scoffed, "Don't be so English about it, " Aiyla defended, "bof," she exhaled only to look to him, her expression drawn and waveringly tense.
"I'd rather have you in the fray," she answered simply and effectively. The games were just games; despite the way others had felt, she knew it was no indication of what they were all capable of, time and time again proven by many members of the Court of this town, the lengths they would go for the people they love, their neighbors, their leaders. Aiyla had never needed trust games to feel like she could trust him, trust many of them. They all wanted the same, to survive. The in-between stuff mattered far less when it came down to true life or death.
"You're not small," she answered quickly, words drowned in the clanking of bottles. "Would I have been better to have offered the Catalyst a favor for your life? For the lives of the whole court?" She asked defensively, "I knew better than to make deals with a derailed extremist. Knew they could not be trusted...but I would have still done anything within my control for your life, for any of the courts, just as I had for Leyla and Dilan in the end of it all. And look what it got us?" Aiyla pointed out, sweeping her arms in a large gesture. "Leyla was nearly killed, and it feels like it doesn't matter what I have done or have been willing to do only what I have not done. It is never enough, is it?" She pressed her teeth together, her jaw tensing, "You don't need to trust them all. Do you trust me?" she asked, pointed and firm.
Aiyla had balked at the term beast years ago, a word her own parents had thrown at her like guarded barbs, thinking if they said it aloud, maybe she could take all their misunderstood fear and hate and use it to will herself normal. "We are creatures of a modern world, Suresh," she sat forward, "But you are only doing yourself a disservice by chasing a feeling of something you will never remember in full," there was no sharpness in her tone, a distant longing for the lives of herself she could not gain back, "It almost feels cruel, to be born again and again with only bits and pieces of who you were, who you could have been. I wish you could have it all back. But we can't; we are an ancient species, and we buy our coffee in little cups full of creamer and sugar. We've been domesticated, mon cheri," Aiyla frowned, "We adapt to our circumstances. What is the alternative?"
Aiyla shrugged her shoulder, yes she had expected it, "It isn't his money that I enjoy," Aiyla closed her eyes, she'd found him more than tolerable as a man, as a friend as someone she spent her evenings with not for his money, but for his candor, charming wit and the guarded way he cared for others, she was endeared to him for reasons she could recount, and still he had betrayed her trust for a game for reasons she did not want to face. "Hard to ignore when it's right in front of you or you're being...shoved," Aiyla admitted shamefully, rather him find it out from her then some churning rumor mill that took the cliff notes of a moment and spun it like threads of truth despite it being anything but. Aiyla had steeled herself for his reply expecting him to dig in at her expense. Eyes sweeping over his face, a fleeting forlorn smile ghosted her lips, "Maybe it is some forgotten piece of lore," she suggested, her chest achingly tight at the weight of the analogy. How many times would Aiyla take away from herself for others?
Aiyla had directed her wrath at him, ripping windshield wipers off his pretty pink convertible, a thing he cared about far more than she believed he ever cared for her. She did not have an argument. Aiyla tilted her head towards him, head resting on her shoulder, regarding him silently. She would not interrupt a moment of his reverie. Her eyes closed in quiet contemplation, "He doesn't know how I feel," Aiyla answered after a moment, an answer in all the things she didn't say, "it doesn't make it any better, but he doesn't know, and I can't say it, nor do I want to," Aiyla opened her eyes, "everyone seems to want to know, to pick at the thread of feelings I don't even want to face myself..." she exhaled.
"The moon doesn't make its own light either, Suresh. No one takes fault in that; there is still poetry and symbolism on this celestial thing that humans spend lifetimes trying to understand. The moon, dark or illuminated by the sun, still controls the tides and still resides in the heavens. You do not need a selfish man's artificial light. You're more than that. At least I believe so," Aiyla concluded, swallowing the knowledge that she knew she would risk ruin. What was a human lifetime anyway to the unwinding, endless years she faced? Longer to hold onto her feelings and guard the anger, grief, and love she felt, even if she would not say it all aloud.
Aiyla contemplated his offering a moment to see the man suffer the way she had; maybe it would not make her feel better. However, the thought, however flickeringly brief, brought her some resolute comfort, not that it was what she wanted but that Suresh had offered. She wrinkled her nose and shook her head, "No, vengeance will not bring me comfort. His remorse is all I want, and I've resolved to not hold my breath for that," Aiyla settled into the comfort of his couch, "vengeance and retribution, has any of it ever left behind anything but ruins?" she didn't think so, "I want more than ruins, for myself and this court, for you," Aiyla let her eyes close once more, "thanks for offering, I'll let you know if I change my mind." Aiyla said with a small, resolute smile.
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