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dear north carolina, sincerely a resident

dear north carolina,

i didn't want to stay here for four more years. i wanted to go to chicago. i didn't want your carolina blue skies. nor did i want your crisp weather after it rained. nor your greasy but delicious state fair food. and i especially did not want your memories.

and yet, you were the perfect setting for the memories i would make here. the memories of a volleyball after state fair. the memories of sitting in gardens and of stairs at your public university. the memories of eating ice cream with a friend in front of harris teeter after a painful goodbye. the memories of late night cookouts and pizza and jumbo trays of wings. the memories of thanksigivng dinner. birthday dinners. regular dinner and the occasional lunches. the memories of 108 britt ct. the memories of praise. the memories of prayer. the memories of late night conversations. the memories of nights where you smile because you were all laughed out.

He knew what He was doing when He placed me here. and now, i'm leaving knowing I'll miss you.

ill miss your fried chickens. ill miss your breeze on a summer day. ill miss your cooling rains. and ill miss your sunsets. ill miss your beaches. and ill miss your mountains.

ill miss bus drivers who go off route because i didnt know the end of a bus route so i can go home safely.

ill miss people who open the door for me or let me enter the bus first.

i'm going to miss you north carolina. i can't believe our goodbye is already here. thanks for taking in a reluctant me. thanks for sharing you with me.

love,

a leaving resident.

faith in action.

learning that one can have/show faith in action.

for me:

its fixing my resume.

doing the pre-work.

writing out my "introduction" paragraph.

sending out emails to ask for prayer.

packing.

believing that God will provide. and so, i can't be idle. must keep working a little by little at believing it's not four nought. believing that God will provide.

He will come through.

Hesitations to Prayer

Asking people for prayer, I'm surprised by my own hesitations:

Your prayer request is not urgent or dire enough to ask that many people for prayer

You're only allowed to ask for prayer like this a select number of times. Are you sure you want to spend that chance now.

Your being silly by asking for prayer for this. This is nothing compared to what others are going through.

But, I decided to send out the requests and emails anyways. Not because I'm better than anyone or because I'm that much more important. No, I'm just desperate.

And so, I realize wow, asking for prayer whether it's on my own time with God or asking others for prayer is really really humbling. No wonder I hesitate to ask. Because it's admitting to people over and over again that I don't have control over my own life right now or of these decisions and that I am limited and so must solely depend on God to provide.

I hesitate to ask God in my own time because I'm scared to be in this place of desperation. And I don't like to admit not being in control and being helpless.

I hesitate to ask others to pray for me because I don't want to show this part. Or it feels like I'm being overdramatic.

But, I counter. If there's one thing we can be overlydramatic about, shouldn't that be our dependence in prayer? Or my dependence in prayer? Because it points back to my dependence on God?

If there's one thing I should be overly dramatic about, isn't it: my dependence on God. starting from the Gospel to all the everyday aspects of my life.

When did I start to believe that prayer was only for important times? When did I start to believe that asking for prayers from others was limited?

As these hesitations came to mind, this verse also entered like a knight to fight off the lies: "16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

If God asks us to pray without ceasing, that includes all circumstances from finding a parking spot to finding housing to finding a spouse and much more. And if we're supposed to be praying without ceasing, that means other believers are to be also. And if they're praying this much, wouldn't other believers-especially other believers- understand and get on their knees together.

I do hesitate though. Am I right? Should we wait to ask others for prayer for some of the bigger events in our lives or can we ask prayer for everything? And as believers, is it right for us to get annoyed if someone asks too much prayer from us?

Regardless, this I know is true. Creating a greater dependency and reminding me of my dependency on the Lord is good. And so, then prayer whether it's my own to admit help from God and to acknowledge my limitations in front of Him or to ask others to pray for me is also good. because it reminds me of this line from Matt Maher's song, "Lord I Need You":

Lord, I come, I confess Bowing here I find my rest Without You I fall apart You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You Every hour I need You My one defense, my righteousness Oh God, how I need You

thank you

for making dinner today when i was out and about. seeing the spaghetti on the stove almost made me cry. i dont know if you knew and if so, how you knew that today and yesterday were incredibly hard days for me.

through your act, i could feel God's love in my life.

Capture this Memory: coffee and a board game.

Four friends around a wooden table.

An extra chair holding a mint Kate Spade purse at the head of the table.

A classic mochiatta, a half-filled triple berry teapot with a matching half-filled tea cup, and a $4.50 caffe mocha.

A sprawled out "Truth Be Told" board game with different colored paddles, four dry-erase pens, four erase boards and a scoresheet that marked I was winning.

An example of the question that he read out loud as we had to try to guess his answer:

Truth be told, I like to nibble on...

The answers:

N: Jolly ranchers and if taken...hair

D: Jolly ran"d"ers

D:the skin around my nails

K: my nails

The eruption of laughter after every single answer.

The awe of how much we think alike.

And the repetition of this scene for several of the questions that night.

The coffee shop closes at eleven.

The friends stay until 10:55PM. Still laughing as they pack up and walk out

from: sweetrainyi.wordpress.com

lastnightsreading

Celeste Ng at Greenlight Bookstore, 7/9/14

Really well written. And a great reminder.

Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

Markus Zusak from I am the Messenger

Reflection about Writing #1

i want to write about those who i care about. my family. my friends. my peers. people who inspire me. people who make me cry. people who make me giggle and laugh.

why?

because. i care. and i want to share. someone told me that when we find joy in something, we like to share that something. because joy is contagious.

but….?

but, it’s risky.

why?

because what if the public deems or the audience deems that this person is not that great. this person is not that interesting. really, they would ask, why are you even writing about this person?

because somehow, somewhere in your writing, you failed. or i failed. i failed to convey the intricacy of this person. i failed to convey the deep layers of this person. i failed to convey why i love this person. or why i hate this person. or why this person makes me mad. i failed to convey it all.

i took a risk. i wanted to share. about someone important.

but i’m not good enough. i’m not a good enough writer. i can’t manipulate the words to somehow convey to strangers the deeper layers i know about you. and convince them of the goodness and the beauty that i find in you.

it’s the classic line: it’s not you. it’s me.

but really, this time, it’s me.

i took a risk with you. and i failed. and now people don’t think you’re interesting. or people don’t see what i wanted them to see because my words couldn’t reach the limit.

do you see now what i mean? words are so powerful because they shape images and perspectives and perceptions about anything and everything.

but what if i as a writer can’t control that power?

like what if i write is an inaccurate image? i didn’t mean it to be. it’s simply that i’m just not there yet.

so, what then?

so, maybe i shouldn’t write about you yet. maybe i should wait until i’m good enough to write about you. you’re too good to just be for practice. you’re too important to me to just be for practice. i’m sorry. you deserve someone to write about you so much better than me.

but?

but. i can’t stop writing about you. i have to practice writing about you. because you fill my head space and heart. in order to remember and understand you, i have to write about you.

sigh. this is why they say writing is hard.

but who knew it was so personal?

from my blog: sweetrainyi.wordpress.com

#writing

“The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.”

- Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffins Path to God

from: http://forteebello.com/2014/04/16/when-trust-is-blind-and-god-is-faithful/

sometime a five second from the soul laughter at the end of the day is all that we really need to find strength to try again tomorrow.

#cliche #friendships #blessings

humansofnewyork

"My dad lived in Newark, so he’d pick me up on the weekends and I’d go stay with him. But since he didn’t really get along with my mom, he’d never come over to the house. Whenever his train arrived, he’d just call and I’d go to the station to meet him. But one weekend he was three hours late. I tried to call his phone but he didn’t pick up, so I assumed he wasn’t coming and left to see a movie with my friends. I guess his train showed up a few minutes later. Because my mom said he called as soon as I left. When I finally got in touch with him, we got in a big fight. He was mad that I’d gone to see the movie. He said I didn’t care about him or love him. That was on Saturday. Late Sunday night, I got up to go the bathroom, and found my stepdad and mom crying in the kitchen. They couldn’t even tell me he’d been murdered. They just said that ‘something happened to someone in Jersey.’ I asked if it was my aunt. Then my cousins. Then my grandma. And my mom just kept shaking her head. I went down the entire list of people in Jersey before getting to my dad. And with each name I said, I got more and more scared, cause I knew what had happened."

a public library vs. student union

i was sitting in the student union version in columbia university. and i sat on the plushy seat.

and fell asleep. haha. and was cold.

i liked seeing columbia university from the inside out, but i didn't feel comfortable because this was their student union. it's where they felt familiar and not me. plus someone was eating a food that wasn't smelling very good.

granted, i shouldn't judge because i had hillal food in my bookbag and he ended up being a piano genius. once again, i learn to not be judgmental. haha.

and i wanted to explore. i didn't want to let my fear keep me in from missing out. as much as i hate my fear of missing out (fomo). sometimes its the right motivation.

so what did it motivate me to do? walk 200 feet to a branch of the new york public library. haha.

but here i am. and i feel much more comfortable.

maybe its the table. but i think it has to do more with that here: its a diverse demographic. high schoolers to older people. and so i dont feel that left out. and they're all here for different reasons. tehe.

plus. i think when i graduate college, aren't places here i'll visit more frequently? idk.

i thought it was interesting that the college space where i should be more familiar with was more cold. simply because, it wasn't mine like it was for the others who were there.

also, new yorkers have been very nice :)

also, the lady next to me was very nice, but i wasn't able to share the Gospel with her. sigh. she did see me journal with the Bible. help this fearful heart oh Lord.

and lastly, walking 200 feet has given me the courage to find a new cafe when this places closes at 7.

LOOKLOOK i'm growing up ;)

i can't sleep right now even though its 2:16am.

im packing. packing! on my first trip to nyc BY MYSELF.

EEK.

for an interview. that. is. crazy.

i'm 21 years old. i'll be twenty two in less than two weeks. ill find out if i have a job after this interview. i am going crazy.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH is what my heart screams.

like its nerve wrecking really because i dont know. i just dont know where ill be or whatll happen or if ill make it to everything okay, but instead of being scared, i'm pushing myself to be excited. excited to explore on my own. excited to visit a cafe or a library for myself and study. excited to eat somewhere even if by myself. excited to have to figure out transportation? haha. not sure about that part.

i am scared though. scared of being lost. scared of having people be mean to me. scared of having my bubble pop. but im not going alone. im going with the encouragement of friends. and family. and with God.

i keep telling myself: i know how to use my phone. i know how to ask for directions.

but im also scared of being rejected. i make all this effort...to be rejected again? and if accepted, will the rest of the plan come easily?

and im grateful. grateful to be at a work place where people wish me luck. grateful to have friends who are urging and praying for me. grateful for friends who house me in and who will be there to pacify me. grateful for friends who wish also the best for me. grateful for family who gives me rides and waits for me.

its been a hard hard season and idk when ill be coming out. but its been a crazy one. a learning one. and these next two days. ill make it through with Jesus. its crazy i doubt my faith at times, and yet when things get scary, i run to Him. I need HIm. He gives me peace like no other.

please God, let me fall in love with this city if i'm supposed to be there. help me to speak with clarity and wisdom. to be honest and confident. to be different so i can glorify you. more than anything, may i feel your presence and voice in this city.

thank you for this opportunity.

change.

change is scary.

change is also exciting.

change, just for me, is exciting.

if i lived in my own shell and didn't have any other people attached to me, then change would simply be exciting. because going somewhere new would just affect me. me. simply me.

but, i am connected to other people. my brother. my sister. my boyfriend. my friends. my church. my mentors.

and so now, if i go somewhere else, then what happens to them? what happens to the people i get attached to? will our connections still remain connected even if i go away? or is there some kind of distance when that connection breaks? what is that distance? if i stay inside that distance, can all my relationships stay?

and what about me? me, without these people, in a new place will i be okay? or will i feel like ten thousand strings pulling me back here? and what if i miss them? can i pull the string and will they come to me like a yo-yo?

i dont know. i dont know. when i go somewhere new, these people all can't come with me. and so, then what happens to us?

i dont know.

and thus, change is scary.

i dont even know if i have to go somewhere. but its becoming a bigger reality that i may have change in this coming year.

i thought i would be excited to always go somewhere new, but im kind of scared to go now.

not scared of newness. scared of a change in relationships.

a bag filled with snippets of #mylovelanguage :) VM Retreat, you were filled with #blessings! thank you

#blessings #mylovelanguage

jaehee

My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God’s word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes - many times - my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens - and it happens every day in some measure - I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth.

John Piper (via jaehee)

Wow.

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