Your favorite characters are film critics

//This is a project for an English class.// Fiction blog. Your favorite tv/film characters love cinema too. And they have so many things to say about it.

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#9: Die Hard - A review by Jake Peralta

Hi, I’m Jake!

So, I’m here to talk to you about Die Hard. Which is just my favorite movie ever. Like, literally the reason why I became a cop. And now you want me to talk about it? Cool cool cool cool cool!

When I was a kid, I LOVED this movie. I watched at least one time a week, seriously. My dad left when I was little, so I guess I was looking for male role models pretty much everywhere, and John McClane was perfect for that. I mean, just look at the start of the movie: John is a dad coming home to his family.

I used to really look up to the guy. He’s tough, he’s funny, he’s badass. He is a real cop, it’s a part of his identity, he does his job no matter what. He fights the bad guy because it’s his duty, because he made a vow to protect the people. That’s what I like so much about him, and that’s why it made me want to become a cop.

And also, he’s just so badass, OMG! My mom would always find me running around barefoot, pretending my hands were a gun, hiding behind the furniture. I may or may not have called her new boyfriend Gruber.

This movie really does have everything though: a likeable, strong-willed hero; a powerful, omnipresent villain; a claustrophobic atmosphere; a time-sensitive situation; a strong female character; hostages and a family to protect. It’s also got some cool explosions, awesome fights and good, tense music. It’s simply one of the best action movies ever and I won’t allow anyone to say the opposite!

It’s also got awesome buddy cop movie dynamics. That’s another reason why I wanted to be a cop. I wanted a partner like Al to work with. I wanted that friendship, that trust, those jokes and that non-verbal understanding. In this line of work, your partner is your friend, your teammate, your lifeline. You have to trust them with your life. You have to be ready to give them your life.

The movie also put its finger on the issue that all cops know: The Mistake. I’m lucky to have not ever shot anyone that didn’t deserve it, but I know the fear of shooting someone that you shouldn’t have. As a kid, the simple idea of it made me shiver. Today, I know that there’s only one way to prevent it: take the time to be sure of what you’re looking at, and never be trigger-happy.

These are the main reasons why Die Hard is and always will be my favorite film. The cherry on top of that perfect cake is that Die Hard is also the best Christmas movie ever. I’m telling you that it is!

Yippe-ki-yay motherfucker, Jake

Die Hard is a 1988 feature film by John McTiernan, based on the book Nothing Lasts Forever by Roderick Thorp. Jake Peralta is a character from the TV show Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

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#8: Girl, Interrupted - A review by Maria Ruiz

“No more Girl, Interrupted shit, okay?” (Season 5, episode 2)

Hey, I’m Maria Ruiz.

I guess I can talk to you about Girl, Interrupted. This is the whitest movie ever. I mean, who gets sent to a mental institution because they’re fucking around and wanna die? A gringa pretending to be a mental case, that’s who. I mean, look around, everyone feels like that! Especially here.

That movie really is about little girls driving themselves crazy, and other people putting them in a hospital because that’s just what you do to women in the 60s. I guess that’s where this movie starts being similar to my own life.

Yeah, for those of you in the back who are still not up to date, I’m in prison okay? Shit happens. Don’t you dare judge me for that. You’re no better than me just because you’re outside and I’m inside. Anybody can end up in prison. You fuck up one day and either you get caught or you don’t. Either you’re smart, and lucky, or you’re not. I did what I had to do. I guess I was shit outta luck that day.

When you stop fitting into society, when you fuck up and you’re weird, you can end up in two places: prison, or a mental hospital. This is where they put people like me, who make society look bad. Bad people, that they don’t know what to do with anymore. The misfits. The bad influencers. The ones that must be put to the side, locked away, hidden away, silenced. Just in case their evilness could spread to the whole society.

That’s what the stupid movie got right. How your family won’t look at you anymore. How you get erased from everyone’s life. People you knew forget about you. They wish they had never met you.

And then there’s the ones you have to share this trip in Hell with. The stupid ones, who ended up here once and will end up here again because they’re just too dumb not to fuck up. The nice ones, who shouldn’t be here. The crazy ones, who barely realize where they are and what they’ve done. The bad ones, who rule over the place and look like they came from a place much worse and enjoyed it. Those ones make my blood turn cold.

Is it really the best way to deal with our fuck-ups? To lock them away? Check on them like little kids? Deprive them of freedom, of will to live? Shit, I don’t know. I do know that I won’t be inside forever. I gotta get away. I have a daughter, I have a husband, I have a life to get back to. I’m gonna go back outside. I just have to keep fighting for it.

Keep your head down and walk straight – or run as fast as you can.

Maria –

Girl, Interrupted is a 1999 feature film by James Mangold, based on the book of the same name by Susanna Kaysen. Maria Ruiz is a character from the TV show Orange is the New Black.

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#7: Dirty Dancing - A review by Schmidt

Hello everybody, I’m Schmidt.

So. Let’s get things straight first. I am not, nor will I ever be, in any way, shape or form a fan of musicals, or of dance numbers. Romantic movies can be okay, sometimes. Most of the time though, they’re way over the top.

That’s why when my new flatmate Jessica moved in, I was slightly worried about her watching Dirty Dancing SIX OR SEVEN DAMN TIMES A DAY. She had recently been dumped by her boyfriend of five years and apparently, when she’s heartbroken, she spends all her days watching Dirty Dancing, ugly sobbing and eating Ben & Jerry’s.

The other flatmates and I tried comforting her. Cheering her up. Reasoning with her. Threatening her. Begging her. Nothing would work. So, I ended up sitting on my ass next to her, and watching the stupid movie. Don’t tell Winston and Nick, but I kind of liked it.

The first reason is that it’s hot. It’s so hot. I was a fat, self-conscious, awkward teenager, and I would have killed both my mom and her dog to get that kind of teenagehood. Do you have any idea how much I would have loved to grind up on girls during hot summer nights?? Do you really??

The second reason is the chemistry between these characters. I wish I would have watched Patrick Swayze more often when I was a twenty-something college student trying to woo girls. He’s got talent. He has chemistry with pretty much everyone. He could seduce anyone. He could even seduce me, I’m not ashamed to say it.

The third reason is how good all these people are at dancing. I like to think I’m quite a sporty and flexible man, but I could never dance like them. These people are GOOD. Those lifts, those spins. Okay, my back kind of hurts from just thinking about it.

Also, the colors and lighting are pretty and so vibrant. It has more of an eighties than a sixties feeling.

I think what surprised me the most is that there’s actually a story in this movie. My idea of a musical movie was Grease, which is fun and light. But damn, my gut clenched when I saw Penny bleeding from an amateur abortion. If you needed a reminder of what happens when abortion is made illegal, that’s it. Poor Penny even had to apologize for getting pregnant. Another proof that slut-shaming is not stupid, it’s actually dangerous. We all like having sex. Let women have fun.

P.S.: I definitely related to the watermelon moment. Word vomit is a curse.

Yours truly, 

Schmidt

Dirty Dancing is a 1987 feature film by Emile Ardolino. Schmidt a character from the TV show New Girl.

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#6: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - A review by Tulip O’Hare

Hey, I’m Tulip. Every once in a while, when I can get rid of Jesse and Cassidy and just fucking stop thinking about this messed up world, I like to grab a beer, settle down and watch a movie. An old one, you know. The kind that reminds me of movie nights with Jesse when we were kids, running around in our pajamas, pretending to be lawful cowboys. Huh. Things change, shit happens. It still warms my heart, though.

One of my favorite movies is The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. I remember Jesse saying Blondie’s lines while we were watching it. Now we’re driving around, looking for God. I’d rather be chasing a bag of money. I feel like this movie ended up being a little to close to my reality. Hell, now that Cassidy has joined us, we even became the Unholy Trinity. I wonder who’s who.

What I like about this movie is the lonely spirit of the characters, teaming up only because of a common goal, but perfectly understanding each other’s personality. That’s what makes the best teammates, in my opinion. I think the message of the story is “never fucking trust anybody” and “keep your damn mouth shut”. Of course, you also can’t help but enjoy the dirt of the desert sand, the burning sun, the gleam of the guns, the cliché outfits, and those awesome lines. “You see, in this world, there is two kinds of people, my friend: those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig.” Always be the one with the loaded gun, that’s my rule.

Also, young Clint Eastwood is hot.

Keep your mouth shut and kick ass. Tulip­—

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is a 1966 feature film by Sergio Leone. Tulip O’Hare is a character from the TV show Preacher, based on the comic book series of the same name.

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#5: The Devil Wears Prada - A review by Gabrielle Solis

Hello everyone, it's Gaby! I used to be a model, you know. I mean, obviously, look at me. My modeling days are long gone now. I mean, not toolong, but long enough for me to have two bratsadorable little angels that I love with all my heart. I only have two ways of fulfilling my love of fashion now: shopping the most expensive brands with my husband’s money, and watching movies about fashion. That’s how I found about The Devil Wears Prada.

It’s the kind of movie that throws you into the world of high fashion: its twirling, regal dresses, its spotlights and runways, and its sharks ready tear you apart in order to take your place. That’s the world that I love and miss.

Miranda Priestly is the kind of woman I both look up to and fear. Back when I was working in the industry, Mirandas would first bring me to the top, making me wear the star design of their collection, then they would get bored with me with and I’d stop being their muse. You then have to fly away really quick, and become another creator’s muse. The girls who don’t succeed at that are simply destroyed and disappear. But that wasn’t me. I would always rise back up and wear the next iconic item on the runway.

That’s the fighting spirit and spite that I brought with me to the next part of my life. You have to be strong and fierce if you want to have a family. As a model, I can take a mean girl and ruin her life any day. As a mom, sometimes I’m at a loss about what to do. I guess that’s what happens when you care about people.

I guess that’s what I like the most about this movie. You start out as Andrea, all naive and freshly dropped into this world. Which I do get. I wasn’t born surrounded by luxury, far from it. I know what it feels like to enter this crazy, scary world, and to do your damndest to fly with the flock without burning your wings. Once you’re up there, you either become Miranda, or you quit. Either, you’ve earned your stripes, you’ve gained fighting spirit. You’ve won.

Always be a model. Gaby

The Devil Wears Prada is a 2006 feature film by David Frankel, based on the book of the same name by Lauren Weisberger. Gabrielle Solis is a character from the TV show Desperate Housewives.

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#4: West Side Story - A review by Jane Villanueva

Hola everybody! My name is Jane Gloriana Villanueva, your local romance stories addict. Although I’m much more used to discussing my favorite books and telenovelas, movies were also a great part of my culture growing up. I love love, I love stories about love, and I love them whichever way they are told. Although I’m sucker for happy endings and “they lived happily ever after”, I still can’t get enough of tragic romances, star-crossed soulmates, and doomed relationships. There’s something gut-wrenchingly beautiful about lovers who would fight the entire world just to be together, only for destiny to keep them apart like the cruel judge that it is.

Anyway, I’m gonna tell you about a movie that has been a favorite of mine since I was a teenager, and that still makes my heart break in the most delicious of ways every time I watch it: West Side Story.

West Side Story has everything. The strong characters, the great story, the beautiful décor, the wonderful music, and the dance numbers, oh the dance numbers! This movie is not just an adaptation of Romeo & Juliet, it is a tribute to it. The way the colors are used, the costumes, the energy of the dancers. Love is everywhere, passion is everywhere. I think it’s the first film I saw that truly showed passion. I was just a teenager, and I thought “this. This is what I want to feel”. Even you know how the story is gonna end, even if you can see the tragedy building, you can’t help but believe that somehow love is gonna win this time. You hold your breath with Maria and Tony, you laugh with them, you cry with them.

Another reason why West Side Story is dear to my heart is because of the Puerto Rican heritage it carries. I always love seeing latino culture, especially in “old” films, and I feel like the film really managed to convey the passion that drives latino culture. 

In my opinion, a good love story should take your emotions on a rollercoaster, and West Side Story succeeded in doing exactly that. And watching America will always make me want to dance my heart away!

See ya! Jane—

West Side Story is a 1961 feature film by Robert Wise and Jerome Robbins, based of the 1957 musical of the same name by Leonard Bernstein, Stephen Sondheim and Arthur Laurents. Jane Villanueva is a character from the TV show Jane the Virgin.

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#3: Casablanca - A review by Lorelai Gilmore

“There are no bad parts of Casablanca!” (season 4, episode 5)

Hi everyone, I’m Lorelai! I’m here today to talk to you about this great, marvelous movie that is Casablanca. I made my friend Luke watch it the other day, because he has never seen it before. Can you believe that? 

I love Casablanca because it is just so intense. I mean, you have the historical context of course. When you think this movie was made during the war… Oh, the Marseillaise scene! And some people still think cinema isn’t political. Is there an art form which is more political than cinema? Okay yeah, music is a good runner-up.

Anyway, the relationships between the characters is so intense too. The rivalries, the friendships, the love stories of course. Oh, how I wish we could know more about how Rick surrounded himself with this little team of misfits. And each character is so complex. I just love to hate Captain Renault.

Of course, I can’t just not talk about the chemistry between Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. I mean, I’m still team Lauren Bacall, but the passion and the yearning between those two! My heart breaks along with Rick’s on that train platform, every single time. And the predicament in which this woman finds herself. I just do not know what I would have done. I probably would have screwed it up, way worse than she did.

There’s just an aesthetic and an atmosphere about this film. The foreign city, the political climate, the need to run away from this closed, over-cluttered place… The desperate will to live, the “survival of the fittest” spirit, and in the end, these characters who come to terms with their humanity and sacrifice themselves for one another. It’s simply amazing.

Look, why are you even reading this? Just go watch it if you haven’t yet. Now! Go, go, go!

Yours truly,  Lorelai

Casablanca is a 1942 feature film by Michael Curtiz. Lorelai Gilmore is a character from the TV show Gilmore Girls.

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Yasss

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Mandatory rules. Guess who’ll be the next character making a review?

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#2: Twilight - A review by Dean Winchester

“Eat it, Twilight!” (season 5, episode 3)

Twilight sucks. Period.

I mean seriously. Do I even need to explain why? Okay, I’ll tell you.

Hi fellas, this is Dean Winchester, monster hunter. That title alone should be enough to let you know why I think a stupid love story about a vampire is a fucking bad idea. Really? A vampire? Come on!

Vampires kill you, okay? They use their sharp, long teeth and their eagle-like claws to bite and scratch your skin off, then they suck your blood until you drop dead. That’s what vampires do. They do not romance you, they’re just here for the food, like your lame ex.

The only thing that this stupid movie got right is the fact that vampires do not age. But all of the rest is utter and complete bullshit.

Vampires do not have superhuman strength. They’re strong, sure, but no more than your average working-out neighbor. Go do some push-ups if you can’t fight them off.

They do not turn you into a vampire by biting you and injecting their venom in your blood stream. What the hell do you think they are, serpents? Vampires turn you by making you drink their blood. There’s no Kaa bullshit going on there.

And finally, vampires do not fucking shine in the sunlight. Leave the body shimmer to Rihanna. God, I want to pour bleach all over my eyes. I hate millenials. I hate emo kids. Stop trying to make monsters sexy.

At least vampires are not weirdos who break into your bedroom to watch you sleep. Put a restraining order on that creep. You can do better, Bella.

Kids, stop trowing yourselves at vampires. Please stop making my job harder than it needs to be.

Sincerely, D—

Twilight is a 2008 feature film by Catherine Hardwicke, based on the book of the same name by Stephenie Meyer. Dean Winchester is a character from the TV show Supernatural.

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New review coming up!

Everyone’s favorite monster hunter is gonna give us a salty review of a certain romantic film…

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#1: Breakfast at Tiffany’s - A review by Veronica Lodge

“I’m Breakfast at Tiffany’s but this town is strictly In Cold Blood.” (season 1, episode 1)

Holly Golightly is my go-to reference when I’m presenting myself to someone. She is the incarnation of class and chic. She is the queen of effortless grace. The perfect New York socialite. She also is a hot mess barely keeping it together and that is why we are exactly alike.

Hello everyone, this is V. As the teenage queen bee of New York, freshly moved to Riverdale, I obviously look up to Holly. She is the kind of girl that came from Nowhere, Texas, and managed to make herself a place amongst the elite. Now, it is true that no-one is oblivious to the fact that she is a phoney — but a phoney that actually believes in her lies, so a real phoney. By pretending to be a wealthy girl, she hopes to become one someday. And how you may ask? Well that’s simple: by playing men.

Now, unlike Holly, I’ve never lacked money. But I do know how to play men. Which is only fair, considering how they treat us. I mean:

(credit: yourstrulys)

…I beg your mysoginistic pardon?!

I don’t know if Holly can truly be considered a feminist. But she’s definitely a liberated woman who does what she wants, what she has to do to get where she wants to go, and who doesn’t care what people think about her. She has fun, she gets angry, she cries. She leads her life the way she wants to. She’s definitely a strong, three-dimensional character. Quelle woman!

But the reason for Holly’s impulsiveness and seemingly random choices is because deep down, she’s still a little girl afraid to be an adult. She learned quickly enough how to make use of her pretty face to manipulate people because living day-to-day is easier than settling down. And who can blame her? Not me. 

In the end, Breakfast at Tiffany’s is a funny enough romantic comedy, certainly not perfect, but which at least has the merit of showing a heroine in all her messy complexity. A big boo for the extremely racist character of Mr Yunioshi, though. Shame on you, Mickey Rooney.

Your local New York socialite, V xoxo

P.S: Diamonds are tacky, pearls are classy.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s is a 1961 feature film by Blake Edwards, based on the book of the same name by Truman Capote.  Veronica Lodge is a character from the TV show Riverdale, based on the comic book series Archie.

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Welcome to this crazy, dreamy little fictional world

Our first guest is gonna be a witty, classy little lady…