my little universe

a blog of words that some people might call poetry

[akcuniverseofwords]

somedays they hug me because they need it

somedays they hug me because I need it

most days it’s both 

[akcuniverseofwords]

so many words

I’ve always had a knack for explaining things

maybe because I know it is an impossible task

that the best things in life don’t come with explanations

the best people tell you they love you without saying a word

that the silence can hold so many answers

to questions you’re too afraid to ask out loud

but I have always been able to speak

I seem to know the right thing to say

the child in me always waiting for some pivotal people to speak up

to shout their love

she waits on edge for so many words

and while she waits, she uses her superpower to speak

she shouts her love.

[akcuniverseofwords]

A Thank You Note

Dear Keyan, 

Thank you for reminding me how important it is to be open, to give second chances, to create a space where children can start again, to enable joy. How quickly you have become a positive beam of light in this classroom is beyond impressive and it shows me the resilience and effort that young children are capable of. On your first day in my class, just a few short weeks ago, you did not look me in the eye once. Can you believe that? Today, you held my bear proudly guarding his safety, joyfully called me by my name every time you addressed me (which was a lot today!), completed the writing assignment, and articulated your emotions in a responsible, healthy way. Thank you for reminding me that I am here for a reason. Thank you for making me proud. Thank you for trusting me. 

[akcuniverseofwords]

I didn't think anyone spoke my love language until this man caught every little joke I murmured under my breath;

I think missing him is like forgetting how to breathe. 

[akcuniverseofwords]

the ride

today I am on a ride: 

gratitude 

anxiety

a full heart

invasive thoughts

reflection

worries

excitement

exhaustion.

moments of pure joy 

are interrupted by sharp pains of “what if?”

my emotions are not me 

but I am feeling them.

my emotions are not me

but I am responsible 

because I am here 

experiencing being up so high 

and down so low 

without any control. 

when the course changes, 

it jolts my entire being 

and my insides suddenly drop. 

I am so afraid, and no one is sitting next to me.

that is when I remind myself that I am safe;

I am tall enough to ride this ride and I am brave

I am strong

I am scared

I am thankful 

I am stressed

I am growing

I am learning

I am teaching

I am alive

and I can choose to cry and be afraid for my life

or I can scream

and laugh

and cry

and enjoy the ride. 

[akcuniverseofwords]

antidote

To the strong women

who fight to protect their men

in this toxic fragile culture that says

men should not need help or protecting

especially coming from a beautiful damn woman:

I see you

I am you

I love you.

We know that love is not a decision for us to make

but it is a lifelong fight:

We are the warriors of love.

Living through loving is not a challenge or a threat.

It is a painstaking death

to this sick society that rules.

So keep hugging your boys

and holding your men’s hands

Take care of them.

Take care of yourself.

And never ever give up.

You are the antidote

to this poison called patriarchy

You are here to kill these toxic patterns;

To fight for love and compassion.

You are here.

Don’t you dare disappear.

To the strong little girl

who was fooled into thinking she was weak:

I know that if you could go back

you would choose to be brave

but it’s not that you weren’t brave to begin with.

You were trained to not see your bravery.

You have always been so much stronger than you could ever imagine.

This toxic fragile culture has convinced you

that your strength is weakness;

it’s not.

This toxic fragile culture has convinced you

that an absence of emotion is bravery;

it’s not.

This toxic fragile culture has convinced you

that your feminine power is weakness;

it’s not.

You have always been so much stronger than you could ever imagine.

To the strong warrior of a woman I am today:

You’ve trained hard to get here

and it seems like the rest of the world doesn’t see

what it means to be brave,

what it means to be strong,

what it means to be a woman;

but at the end of the day it does not matter

whether they decide to flourish in

or completely ignore your strength and beauty...

you will always be strong and beautiful.

You are the antidote

to this poison called patriarchy.

You are here to kill these toxic patterns;

to fight for love and compassion.

You are here.

Don’t you dare disappear.

To the boys and men who are tired of playing strong

in this ugly society that says

men should not need help or protecting

especially from a beautiful damn woman:

We see you

We love you

We’ve got you.

You are a beautiful mess of a warrior.

Your hugs will empower soldiers of love.

Your songs can build communities of compassion.

Your smile will starve this toxic fragile culture.

Your tears will erase the unrealistic expectations of your every day.

You’ve trained hard to get here.

To undo what society wants you to obey:

What it means to be brave.

What it means to be strong.

What it means to be a man.

You are the antidote

to this poison called patriarchy.

You are here to kill these toxic patterns;

To fight for love and compassion.

You are here.

Don’t you dare disappear.

[akcuniverseofwords]

These memories will be mine, 

and I’ll keep them here in this stable mind.

I didn’t realize how strong it was; it’s tough

but you are too.

I wish you believed me,

I wish you could fall asleep 

and stop crying. 

I’m so sad about your brain 

mostly it’s brilliant, 

but right now it is the enemy. 

I want to save you

but I can’t

I want to save you

so I cry instead. 

I’ll hold your hand

because I think that will save you for a second. 

But maybe it’s only saving me.

[akcuniverseofwords]

Can you tell me why it’s so hard for the healers to heal themselves? 

Why is it so easy to wake up in the morning for somebody else?

When will I have the discipline to show up for myself, not only after my body or the universe has demanded it dramatically?

I remember when I was riding this beautiful wave of self love

but it crashed and I never got back on.

I left the ocean and I am yearning for it now.

[akcuniverseofwords]

Untrue

and now when I look back on all of those poems

I wrote about sparks and fire and light

they are untrue

because that is not what I felt

until my soul was close to you

[akcuniverseofwords]

Joy is

Being present in the moment

Breathing easy in the moment

Listening closely to the love that beats so freely from your chest

Acknowledging the fears that pop up and acknowledging when and why they appear

And telling those fears goodbye

Because now is the time for joy.

[akcuniverseofwords]

I’m a little more me today than I was yesterday

There’s a little more me in my step when I walk down the street

A little more me in my laugh, in my smile

A little more me: seen

Looking at you

[akcuniverseofwords]

[akcuniverseofwords]

Love is not a decision for us to make.

Loves is simply living

the way we keep refusing to live.

[akcuniverseofwords]

Letting Go

Letting go doesn’t mean

just abandoning

the expectations and disappointments

you face in your relationships with others.

Letting go means being yourself

as you are right now

how you want to be

feeling, thinking, loving, acting.

Letting go means

acknowledging

accepting

and making peace with

all of the expectations and disappointments

you have faced

in your relationship with yourself

and then letting them go.

[akcuniverseofwords]

When you stop giving people

Credit and blame and power

You can begin to be aware

Of how you actually feel

You need to take it all in

The credit and blame and power.

Feel.

[buttonpoetry]

“Too many poets have written too many poems about you and now, I guess I’m one too.”

— Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz, “Brooklyn”

[akcuniverseofwords]

In order to let something go

You must first admit

That you were holding on to it.