The Amity Affliction//Death's Hand.
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So I finally have some time to post about this. And now that almost a week have passed, most of the steam from it has gone. So Sunday I was washing clothes and I like to play music while I wash. Put on some Megadeth, Peace Sells. Not two seconds later my mom, in fear, wanted me to slow it down because my brother was studying. I told her no. He complained and she tried again and I told her no and explained to her that it was unfair that he plays music loud whole day and night to a point where I had to move out of my room and I can't (even though it wasn't loud and it was just for a short time). And that it's ridiculous for me to be expected to be complicit to him after he beat me up and bit me earlier this year. I was so angry in the moment that I was just telling my mom I don't care, even when she asked me if I cared about her. Of course I do, I was just mad at the time and didn't listen.
Went by my cousin, was able to calm down. I know my mom is just behaving the way that she did because she fears him. Came home and me and my mom got into it again. Was told that I needed to move pass him beating me up and biting and being forced to leave my room. Traumatic stuff happened to me, and I am expected to forget it. No wonder more men kill themselves. In the moment I felt betrayed, I was angry at my mom and I still unfairly showed it towards her the next day for the 1st half but my cousin was home by me and I felt embarrassed by my behavior and apologized to her. And let my anger towards her go. It is after all not her fault she is scared.
Now earlier this year I made the realization that I don't want to die anymore. But of course since I felt betrayed on Sunday all those thoughts and feelings came back. My brother has a tendency of making me backslide. You have no idea how much of a development it is for me to not want to kill myself anymore. It meant that I finally didn't feel alone. That I had people that I could rely on. But in the moment, I felt that it was always gonna be a loosing battle with my brother and that I was alone, because everyone would always expect me to be complicit. Fuck my feelings, be complicit so that they can not deal with him. I just wish more people would treat my brother for the piece of shit that he is like I do. But no one is that brave.
When I feel like this, I listen to Amity. They sing about suicide and mental illness. They always know my thought process. Death's Hand reminded me that the whole reason why I didn't want to die anymore is because there was allot of hearts that reached out to me over the last few years. Pulled me out from drowning and I didn't even realize it until earlier this year. Still, there is some anger in me and I am thankfully taking it out on inanimate objects (RIP the good condition of my Terminator and Crow comics) though that's still not a good thing. I have to find a way to channel this anger. It use to be listening to metal or writing down lyrics or skating, but it seems to not work these days. I think it's because my pain and anger is too deep and I can't express them in big ways or when it happens so I manifest them in the little things, like when stacks of my comics knocked down and broke this unique personalized cup my mom made for me for christmas a time so i took it out on them.
Fuck this isn't healthy. Maybe I should just sell everything I own and live on the streets because being here, around my brother, is not good.
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Lyric Poster is My Fan Artwork, Do Use Without My Permission. Do Not Sell or Steal.
