#extradirty
ellievsbear
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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EXPECTATIONS
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@alanandamber
I’m on a mission to find both strains before I help you move into your Mom’s house. Even though I know you won‘t smoke them with me. 😫🤪😘
I love that this made you smile. It’s like she’s sending you jokes from where she & Dan now reside. 😇
TikTok
Getting ready for Disney!
Touring the big city 😍 Bear Balls are so yummy 🤤
I got that BOOM BOOM that you want 😉
I’m feeling really silly. Stupid. Mad at myself. I know diving into things head first is a recipe for disaster. Yet I did it anyway. And now I don’t know what think. Or believe. Or expect. Something tells me I’m not going to be joining you in CT, and it makes me sadder than you know. You thought you were in love with me, but I think it was simply an infatuation, a ticket out, something new and shiny, and the result of not having sex for a very long time. I know I’m not perfect. I have too much stuff, my brain isn’t the most organized, and I’m really sensitive. Maybe my sensitivity is what’s making this so hard. I’m not Michelle or Tulsi, I’m just me. And you walked into my life, made it different, and now I worry you’re going to leave. Maybe I should keep this to myself, or maybe you won’t even see this. It’s a really shitty feeling, feeling like you meant the world to someone and then something changed that. It’s weird how someone can come into your life, and make it seem better. You never needed that person before, but suddenly the idea of losing them breaks your heart. I guess that’s where I’m at. I feel stupid, and sad, and like it’s all my fault. And I wish I could fix it.
7 hot slices
Just spent our first night together, and I’ve never woken up happier. ♥️
My dearest Amber,
My beautiful slender redwood tree, the other boys in the encampment have become infatuated with you from your last letter, and the picture of you effortlessly hanging your knickers on the clothesline in the wind. The lithograph of you working in the kitchen in nothing but your apron has been stolen from the barracks every day. Please, be more modest, they are beginning to wonder if I am sending payments to you in my letters to keep you on retainer.
Here I go again!
19 days ago you fell into my life and now the thought of you not being in it makes me feel gross. You are the single most special person I have ever met and I instantly knew I was talking to the girl I was meant for. Get over here.
I found the human I want to be excited with forever, and I can’t help but want to build a life with you. I think there are people out there that date, and find that dating is exciting and kind of like a trial run...is this person going to be worth it, does this relationship have any real future, etc. What I meant by not wanting to date you, is that I don’t have doubts about you. I’ve been waiting for you my whole damn life and I didn’t even know it and...wow. I’m not saying it’ll be perfect. I’m saying it’ll be worth it.
Shit. I can barely function lately because of how you make me feel. When I see your face all I can think of is peace, and that I found the person I want to spend a life building an adventure with. I can’t get inside your head and find out for myself if you feel the same magnitude that I do, or if I’m absolutely crazy for the way that I can suddenly not imagine a future without you in it as mine, and I feel gross asking for reassurance constantly lately. I see you and my body instantly reacts with...yup she’s the one. We joke, but I have no doubt that I want to have a family with you. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out, and...well...❤️
Now pcoasomfuyc
Dearest Amber,
It’s tough writing to you from our encampment in the mountains. Pens are hard to come by, and the officer in charge says that love is a weakness. I’m haunted by the thoughts of missing Charlotte’s first violin recital at the academy, but I will bring her back a token from the places I’ve visited. Will you still love me, when I return with one arm?
I’m writing here because I don’t really have anywhere else to write, and because I have nobody else to talk to about this. There are a lot of struggles with my marriage, but I think right now the tough one is that I’ve focused on my career for the last 6 years, since I had already kind of given up on my own happiness to try and keep some happiness for the people around me. At the end of the day what that means is my friendships from before have atrophied and there isn’t much of a support system for me to lean on. On top of that, I was there when the two people she got the most support from died...knowing she’s having an even harder time than I am, with nobody to talk to or get support from, that’s really hard for me. It isn’t hard because I’m unsure, it’s hard because I’m an empath and I’m watching someone else suffer in their own pain with nowhere to go and I’ve always been the place to go.
It’s also important for me to remember that this hasn’t made me a saint. Let’s face it, if I was unhappy for that long so was she, and by letting things go just to be her support system and friend, I hurt her too and it makes me a coward.
It’s also tough because I don’t know what’s next, for either of us. I’m a logical person and I feel most comfortable with a little bit of routine and structure, or when I’m reasonably comfortable that the future has a certain predictability. For me right now, I’ve lost predictability and that’s where my anxiety usually gets a good hold.
I’m still trying to get the right words in the right order to get across to you what I tried to say out loud yesterday about you being special, and about you deserving to know that for someone, the idea of not having you in their life is awful. I also talked about my gut and my instinct - that sounded arrogant. I’m not always right, nobody is. Some of these things will sound either like I’m self conscious or not confident, and some of them will sound like I’m being materialistic or vain, but I don’t mean them that way.
1. You’re beautiful. That’s a simple phrase but one I can’t be clear enough about. I mean it in two distinct ways and I’m going to try and say them here, I’m better with writing than I am at saying things out loud. I’ll start out with physical beauty - it floors me. I’m not taking about edited pictures and your naked body, although 🤤. I’m talking about your basic physical presence. When you’re talking to me, when you’re just being you, with no prep or extra effort to be the hottest or sexiest you can be in a moment. It’s actually overwhelmingly beautiful. I’ve always been a little shy, and a little quiet. If I saw you on the street my jaw would drop and never in a million years would I have the confidence to approach you. No way. That girl is in another league. I don’t even know if she’s real. I don’t mean that to be self conscious. I really don’t. Although I do think it’s important for you to remember I’ve been in a long term relationship and marriage for 5 years and have felt absolutely zero need to have confidence or be sexually attractive because...well that part of me hasn’t had a place here and I’m probably going to need work to get it back. That’s not sexy at all. I don’t want you to think I’m a project.
Then, it really gets me. Your beauty barely even starts with the physical aspect. Your mind - Jesus Christ your mind. You are brilliant, and you are adventurous, and you are curious, and you are hilarious. You’re...you. Wow...are you ever. Your mind is easily the most gorgeous thing about you, which is saying a lot because 🤤😍. You are out of my league, I can learn from you, and experience with you, and grow. Wow. My command of the English language is also totally inadequate in comparison. I’m going to have to make up for it in other ways.
2. My curiosity about you never stops. It’s all I think about. In a way it’s such a bummer to have not known you even in chaotic times because it’s part of your story and what makes you who you are. I have no interest in only knowing you as you are now after a pivotal point in your life. On top of all the stress in my house right now and all the uncertainty and negativity, I’m sitting here wondering what you are like I’m your calm moments alone, or when you feel proud. I wonder what struggles you have that you don’t verbalize, or when you cry, and what do you cry about? Or do you? I wonder abo that sensitive side you mentioned that you don’t really show, and what that part of you is all about. But you know what, you’re not “exotic”. I’ve been thinking about this and I want you to know it - I think the difference between what I feel and being curious about something new and exotic is the difference between infatuation, and following your heart. You are not perfect. You never claimed to be and neither did I. I am not putting you on a pedestal. I am not worshipping you and telling you that you are never going to stumble. You’re not a research project that I can “complete”. After every curiosity about you, there’s another. It’s not about infatuation and solving the puzzle of the perfect woman, it’s about knowing all of you and giving you the safety and love you deserve from a man who feels like this about you, and hopefully if I play my cards right, being the right recipe for you that gives you all the same feelings. I’m not physically perfect by any means. I’m not sure what you meant about “something small” can change the vibe but I’m gonna throw it right out there, I’m in no way perfect. I grew up poor as hell and not in a super functional family. I always wanted straighter teeth and my mom never really took my to the dentist. I’ll always be self conscious about that. I don’t want your reassurance, gorgeous, I want your heart, and I’m playing for keeps but I want the real thing.
3. I’ve NEVER wanted children, or any of that. I never even really saw myself getting married - this current situation was more of a alignment of a string of events than a fulfillment of a path I wanted. And yet, I’m sitting here day dreaming about all of it with a woman I’ve never even touched. I’m thinking about your future and our future and what it will look like, where it will be, what struggles we may have to face together, and what triumphs there might be. I’m thinking about your next step and how I never want to put you in a place where you feel you have to do work you don’t want to just to pay the rent. I’m thinking about you, and me, and growing old and having fun. Is it science or biology? I don’t fucking know, love. I may never.
You’re not off the hook for answering questions.
“After our first FaceTime call, I was afraid I’d undone everything you feel for me just by being myself.”
This is a funny one for me. First of all, if I felt like I actually had any control over these feelings I have for you, I would have convinced myself I was crazy. What’s funny to me is that you felt like our first FaceTime call was the first time I saw you being yourself. The reason I find it funny is because of how we started talking! There was no set up, no pretense, just connection and talking without some other intention. The only part of you I’ve wanted since then is you “being yourself” because it’s what I see in those quiet moments, or in those moments when you’re trusting me, that makes my heart skip. Our minds do work differently - in a texting conversation I’m much better at keeping up because I can slow down and think before I type. In real life, I’m not all that fancy. I’m honestly pretty boring. I don’t mean that to be self defeating, I honestly think it’s worth saying, like how does a girl like you put up with a quiet, more boring and probably more square person?
Yesterday I told you I’d be free to talk at a certain time, and yeah you were obviously late 😂 but you also didn’t compromise. Your family called, you were going to go over there for dinner, and instead of bailing on me you chose to FaceTime me in the absolute middle of trying to get your shit together and go somewhere. You knew that it might look scattered or like you were all over the place and you called anyway. Nothing but bonus points there in my book.
It’s an interesting contrast, the way we each think and operate. I’m in the middle of a life change that feels like the world is on my shoulders in every way imaginable, and I have a lot of quiet time. In those quiet times my mind won’t stop going over what is happening with you. Am I being stupid? Am I setting myself up? This girl knows me through DM for two weeks, how can she be so sure? But I’m sure, and I’ve only known her for two weeks through DM’s so what is happening? What if we go all in and we were wrong? How will I handle that? Since July 10th I’ve thought about nothing but you. Your job makes that almost excruciating! And then when I can’t reciprocate when you are available, because of my own situation, also excruciating.
Anyway, I didn’t see a scattered person, and although I did see a person being herself, I also saw another “self” in your eyes. Maybe I’m projecting and that’s not fair and it’s all an illusion I’ve made up, but I saw a desire to slow down too. I also saw a girl who is about 10x’s out of my league.
A minute ago you wanted to make sure I knew how much of the “whole pizza” you are, and then you worried about how I might interpret some of the things you said. I don’t see someone who is broken and needs fixing, and I don’t see someone who is desperate for someone to complete them. But I do see someone who feels like “home” to me, even though I’ll never keep up with her, and I see below the surface. I think, when you find your person, it’s probably because they are the right fit - not because you aren’t whole without them, but because they can be the balance and the love you deserve for being the person you are. On the other hand, when I found out you existed, I suddenly felt like a part of me I didn’t know existed had been missing this whole time and I had no idea. Am I the whole pizza without you? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question.
And of course I hate your job. Some of the reasons I hate your job are probably so childish and based on insecurities and jealousy, and some of them are because I just feel differently about who you are and what you represent to me than the ideas of your work allow me to picture you feeling on a daily basis. And why the fuck would I want the person I’m feeling like this about to be doing that? Like...absolutely not. Also, again, I’m kind of boring. You’ve had this level of probable excitement in your life because of what you’re doing, and I wonder if I’ll compare or be able to keep you feeling fulfilled, and if I don’t I wonder how you’ll handle that given how we each have handled that in the past. How can I compete with that or keep up?
The craziest part for me is what I feel when I look at pictures of you in moments of pause, or with family, or at peace. They are like a freeze frame of the most beautiful person I’ve ever spoken to. I literally feel heartache over them.
We talked about my situation last night a little and it was good, but I don’t know how to communicate the weight I feel from it and the fear of the next step I have. I don’t know what else to say but wanted to say that.
And if our kids are logging in to read this because we were hip enough to write about it this way, your dad has always been exactly as boring and quiet as you see him, and he tried to warn your mother.
Has ADHD been a struggle for me in my adult life? - Absolutely.
What helps? - Slowing down. Making a realistic list, and revisiting it frequently. And reminding myself that I don’t have to do everything right now, I just need to start on something, and then complete it before I move on to something else. So basically, mindfulness is key, and I need to practice it everyday. I take Adderall, and used to also take Strattera, a non-stimulant, which I stopped taking when I no longer had health insurance last year. I found a few bottles the other day, and am going to see how effective it really is at curbing the shit that fucks up how my days flow.
Are there things I feel because of it that I don’t get to talk about or I just swallow? -Yes. I don’t think I really tell people how self-conscious it makes me. To be visibly scattered is so...disadvantageous, so not stealthy, so...I don’t ever want to look like I don’t have my shit together. Because I do. But I do have my challenges throughout the day, and things that take efficient people like you 10 minutes tend to take me ten times longer. Because I’m also a perfectionist. Every layout, every sentence, every color must be perfectly placed to obtain the desired effect. Why do it if I’m not going to put my all into it? [You can do it put your back into it -- I can do it, put my -- Oh, ADHD, there you are!] After our first FaceTime call, I was afraid I’d undone everything you feel for me just by being myself. I sometimes wonder if people think less of me once they get to know me, and how I operate. Which is such a stupid waste of my time and thoughts because people always like me more as they get to know me better, sometimes they even love me. 😏. And some days are better than others, I’m not always all over the place. But sometimes I am. And I just need to slow the fuck down, regroup, and probably breathe a little.
What’s my favorite food. Pizza. Hands down. All day erryday. Pepperoni & pineapple 4 LIFE!
What do I like? OH BOY. I’m gonna fill the Internet with this one. I like life. I like people. I like finding depth in things that were shallow. Like learning something cool and interesting about someone I thought was kinda boring, or simply didn’t know very well. I absolute LOVE realizing someone is a kindred spirit, a soul sista, or in this case, my soulmate. ♥ That moment you know they’re on your level, and you’ll never let them go, even if you don’t talk for months or even years. You find those people, and you’re golden. When it happens to me, the world seems less daunting and scary, and I don’t feel as small when I look up at the stars because they make me realize life has meaning, and that I’m not just here for no reason. I like spending time with my family. I really think I scored the best family in the world.
To be continued. Lots to do today, but i’ll be revisiting this throughout the day ♥
Muah!! XOXO
I am going to get my responses from you later today ♥
I met a babe on Instagram a few weeks ago, and we are falling hard for each other. And now I’ve gone and created a Tumblr account for us to talk, post pics, and basically just have the option of logging on from a computer, and using a real keyboard instead of our phones.