New place meeting new people, and today a girl from the lab and I went out to have lunch together. We spoke a lot and of course the time of relationship questions came and I told her about him. She listened and asked questions (thank you). She laughed at my widow jokes and asked if I was in therapy (I am not). She said it was recent (I could cry) and then asked how I was doing now, truly (for which I replied 'horribly, thanks for asking').
She asked if I still cried. I do, I told her. Every day, basically. Even more now since I moved here, since that was something I had told him about and was excited to live it with him. I do cry. A lot. It's so, so heavy. I don't know how I stopped crying when telling some people about him. Maybe me crying takes away the focus of him, which is always what should be. He's the protagonist, not me. Crying makes people panic and try to comfort you, but what I want is for them to realize how wonderful of a human being he was. Not to focus on me or the accident itself.
She asked about the first days, if I had fallen in love right away and what I thought of him when I first saw him. I was smiling and I couldn't find the right words. "He was just...." and I stared into the thin air, trying to grasp something that could perhaps describe how magic que was. "You know when you see someone and the environment about them just changes with them? Like they can control it? The forest and him... I don't know. It felt like him and a tree were made out of the same substance, were the same thing, just built a little different." All she said was "wow". I told her I still remember the first thing that came to my mind when I saw him. "He's like a wild being, a nature's creature". A nature's creature indeed.
Then she asked me who asked who to be their partner, and I hesitated. She assumed it was because there was no proposal, that it was just came naturally and to a certain point it is true. But I couldn't tell her what was really going through my mind. I couldn't tell her that I couldn't reply to his "I love you"s and he knew it and he'd say it anyways. I couldn't tell her that he said he'd be by my side always, waiting. I couldn't tell her that the last morning before the accident, when we had just woken up he asked if it was still too soon to ask me to be his girlfriend, that I had said maybe, and that he laughed and said he'd keep asking and asking then. That on that morning, he told me he wanted to wake up every single day with me by his side, to the rest of his life. I couldn't tell her any of these things.
So I come home. I feel sick, and bring my work stuff home. I put a youtube video on the side so I can distract myself while do my stuff, without letting my mind wander too much, too far. It's a gameplay of No I'm Not a Human by Euro Brady. After 30 minutes of gameplay, this is a description of something he says (obviously about something in the game but anyways):
"oh so painful. This presence of rationale that this individual has, to say 'oh, I knew back then that I loved him and that I should've told him'. You didn't know back then that your time together would be so short. It was a very fair assumption to make that the romance between you could grow naturally and spontaneously over time. There was no evidences to suggest... no signals, no signs, that this was an urgent matter. And it would've been overly anxious to apply that sense of urgency when there was no cause for it. This is a tragedy. It is a tragedy to lose someone before you have this opportunity but... it is unfair to characterize yourself back then as someone who is naive, shortsided or didn't care enough about the relationship to go through with it. Because that's all the kind of stuff that we're left with, after the fact."
And then I break down <3 kay then if we're crying from a no im not a human gameplay that's fine!
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