The Lazy Person's Guide to Leading a Normal Life

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Being Social

Problem #1: Preparing to throw a party If you’re like me, you’re very social and you have a lot of friends from different groups. The only way to have all your friends come together is to throw a party. Of course, a party needs to be fun. I have friends that put together 60 clips of superhero movies for the most epic power hour or friends who invent games to keep people interacting with each other through the night. I ain’t got time for that!

Tip: Make it a themed party and make the theme easy to follow. My best success was a Howdown. Everyone’s got a plaid shirt they can wear and half the invitees will have a cowboy hat, boots, or jean shorts. It’s easy to get into the theme and everyone loves to comment on costumes, pose for photos, and get into character (once the drinks start flowing!) People involved in the theme basically provide the party fun and you are free to spend the night chit chatting on the couch.

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Moving

Problem #1 Too many things to carry I actually like to think I'm pretty strong for a 23 year old girl, but that doesn't mean I'm ok with lugging large awkwardly shaped pieces of furniture through the city streets and/or up and down stairs.

Tip: Get some male helpers I fortunately was able to recruit my brother, my sister's fiance, and my mom's boyfriend to do all the heavy lifting for me. They also did other hard tasks such as putting together the bed and driving the truck. My main piece of advice: learn the phrase, "I'll hold that door for you."

[alazyguide]

Being a Good Person

Problem #1 You're too lazy to think of good gifts for people I like holidays and I like celebrations and I love parties, but I can't get myself to like presents. I think the underlying cause for my irrational hatred for the thoughtful exchange of free stuff, is that I am just too lazy to think of anything good.

Tip: (Disclaimer: This may just a girl thing) Get real freaking sappy in your birthday card. Though the hand I was dealt has left me with incredible laziness, I've also been given the gift of being really fantastic at writing nice things to people. Here's what you do. Get the cheapest, blankest card in the store and write an entire novel. Write the top three reasons why you like the person and why you're happy they're in your life. After reading that many compliments, they cannot be mad at you for a crummy gift.

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Food Shopping

Problem #1 Fridge is empty but no motivation to fill it: This is a classic Sunday evening issue. You're curled up in your snuggie watching football or Breaking Amish or whatever trash TV you've become addicted to when you remember, "I have work/school tomorrow. Do I have food to make a lunch?"   Tip: Always keep a non-perishable backup lunch in stock. In my house, that's frozen bagels and peanut butter. It can take up space in your kitchen for a long time, but still do its job when needed the most. I know you like to have your fresh deli meats and your ripe vegetables on a typical workday, but when you're too lazy to make the trip to Stop & Shop, bagels and peanut butter sound pretty tasty.

[alazyguide]

Homework

Problem #1 Getting distracted: In cahoots with laziness is this thing called procrastination. In it's finest form, the victim (any person ever) is physically unable to complete the task at hand, usually making excuses that the roommates are distracting, the internet is distracting, outside brain activity is distracting, etc.

Tip: Fight distraction with distraction. For me, it's all about balance and rewards. Work for 10 minutes, check your facebook but no looking at the album your BFF just posted from the party last weekend until you do another 10 minutes of work. Then maybe, you can check your email too.

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Reading

Problem #1 Can't focus on so many words: If you're this lazy, you probably have trouble getting through books because #1 they're long #2 they have too many words and #3 they have too many pages, not to mention the fact that they take so long to get through! Tip: Short fucking stories. There are ways to read child-sized stories without being a child. Try Welcome the the Monkey House by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. because the stories are less than 10 pages and they are awesome.

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Cooking

Problem #1 Too lazy to cook: I know I'm destined to get a divorce one day because there is no way I can put in a day's work and then have the energy to cook. And this is in a world where I do not have children, bills, or any other responsibilities staring down at me.

Tip: Get a lean cuisine. Easy, delicious, won't kill you.

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Cleaning Your Room

Problem #3 Little Things That Will Get Lost: I have this insane fear that if I put a little thing in a big container, it will diffuse into the sides of the container never to be seen again. While I maintain this is absolutely possible, it's not all that likely. Tip: Clear out space for an Everything Drawer. Things to put in the everything drawer include: decks of cards, safety pins, buttons, highlighters, USB drives, the 30 bottle opener keychains you collected in college, the extra CVS card for your keys, and headphones. I actually have two of these drawers and I always know where to find bizarre things.

[alazyguide]

Cleaning Your Room

Problem #2 Useless Garbage Hanging Around: If you have this condition called Borderline Hoarding Nostalgia, you definitely have a ton of unimportant pieces of crap. Examples: Mardi Gras beads from that awesome costume party two years ago, a stress ball shaped like a Hippo from your college orientation, cassette tapes of your Bat Mitzvah torah reading. Tip: It's crap. You don't need it. Imagine you're moving to a tiny apartment. If you would leave it collecting dust in your parent's house, you can leave it in the trash.

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Cleaning Your Room

Problem #1 Clothes on the floor: I have that love for fashion in which you parade around the house in different outfits deciding what to wear. You have an unimaginable amount of time for trying on clothes but absolutely no time for hanging them back up. 

Tip: If it's clean, wear it. If it's not clean, stash it in a pile somewhere. Make sure that pile is inside a laundry basket.