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overwhelmed.

courage/fear .... courage/fear

I feel extremely overwhelmed. Almost paralyzed. 100 things running through my mind, yet I’m unable to move. I’m building the courage, summoning some strength.

I’m overwhelmed about....

1. school - I have literal doctors, pharmacists, nurses and many more in my program. They are smart, accomplished and probably have no other responsibilities. I’m worried I won’t be able to do my best in school because I’m a mom. But I’m also worried that I won’t be a good mom because I’m in school. It’s a trade off but truly I’m TRYING my best in both because I want to love what I’m doing while also providing the best life for my kids.

2. moving - I literally am so scared at how we’re gonna be able to do this. My husband doesn’t want to hire help and he’ll be gone on my day off also. But yeah, I’m literally so scared at how I can pull this off but I PRAY that I would be able to. while I’m in school. aaahhh

3. scammed - we got scammed 10,000 dollars. lol and i guess to some people it’s nothing, but to us - that’s our hard earned money. it’s sad to know that people out there exists and that money could’ve gone to our kids’ education or future or for us, but i guess it’s a very very expensive life lesson.

4. missing my mom - I honestly miss my mom and wish that she can be here with me. Last time we moved when I was pregnant, she was a big big help. I’d definitely be able to give her some of my burdens and she would definitely be a big help to me. huhu

heartstrings

tucked two daughters to bed, washed the dishes, folded the laundry and sweeped the floors.

It’s currently 1:14 am. I did a lot. But you did more.

I miss you in the quiet, I miss you when I’m reading to my kids. I miss you when I feel like an A+ mom because that’s what you were. And though I’ve slowly accepted the fact that you’re not here, it still sucks. I miss my mom.

Mama, I remember when we used to talk on the phone when you were thousands of miles away. I used to imagine that the curly strings on the phone connected us together so even when we were apart then, we were still connected. And these days, I’m trying to find little ways to connect to you. We had so little time together. I didn’t know then, but I feel like I took for granted the little time we had together when I was younger. I miss you so much. I hope you’re doing great in heaven Ma. Love youu so much. ♥️

Sep 14

Still in excruciating pain but able to walk more now. Husband is still doing 80% of the things for me. For that, I am thankful. He never complains.

Started the day at the hospital with favour, but when we got there we got news that Evie lost 100g. From 983g to 890g. So naturally, I cried so much again. I feel so helpless as a mom like I feel like my body failed to grow my daughter and why can’t I just grow a baby to full term. Like what is wrong with me.

But Bert assured me that I did my best and there are things that we don’t have control over but it’s okay.

That night, my BP spiked up to 162/100 and I was so scared I’m gonna have a seizure or something. Thank God I didn’t. I want to be strong & healthy for my family.

Sep 15

Feeling almost 60%. Thankful Baby Evie gained weight to 907 g.

Inah: Mommy, are you home?

Me: no, I’m at the hospital. I’m at the doctor’s.

Inah: You’re at the doctor’s?! Don’t be afraid!

MIL: Mommy, you’re healed. In Jesus name!

Inah: Amen!

♥️ my moments of strength.

My moments of peace that trespasses all understanding.

My Bp has been spiking like crazy and I don’t even know why and I feel okay but I’m just praying

Well things took a very dramatic turn. It was a Tuesday and I woke up early for my midwife appointment. I thought it would be a quick in and out appointment so I didn’t even bother showering and just brushed my teeth and washed my face and left. Little did I know that it would be the beginning of a crazy journey.

I’ll tell the story another time but basically things that are making me sad/anxious:

1. Missing Inah and broken at the fact that I’m not with her right now. I wish I can just hug her and kiss her and be with her always.

2. Torn by the fact that I actually feel okay to go home and desire that so much yet I have also researched the dangers of my condition and how quickly it can be bad for me and baby so I also want to be cautious.

3. Frustrated at the covid protocols right now. Inah could have easily visited me before. We visited Mama so many times for so long when she was a baby.

4. Worried about the gazillion things I actually need to do but have to make Bert do it. Cuz you know. Like the crib, the laundry, etc.

5. Wanting baby E to hang in here for another month and grow more in my tummy. Praying she’s happy and healthy inside. ♥️

6. One more month! Hopefully we can hang in there. It will be sad if I don’t get to go home but it’s just a small timeframe compared to the many more years we have together.

7. All my home birth plans are pretty much thrown out the window lol but I trust that whatever God’s plan is is the best plan out there. ♥️

It’s been a while....

last time I posted I was 6 weeks pregnant...today, I am officially 28 weeks! So from first to third trimester.

it’s been a crazy few months! We moved in to our new place, found out we’re having a girl, covid went crazy, got our vaccines and places are finally opening back up now. We are enjoying summer, so much so that I’m unable to properly ”nest” and just clean because I am afraid that we’ll go on a perpetual lockdown again soon and I wanna savor every moment of it.

Next week is also my mom’s one year in heaven and I have already felt soo much feels over the past few weeks. I dreamt of her a lot in my first trimester, something I’m very thankful for that I got to talk to her and be with her again. But to be honest, this time, I’m sad to be a mother again knowing baby E won’t have any memories of her anymore. I was also very reliant on my mom on my last trimester and my first few months as a mom so I’m just praying that God will give me strength in this season. “All I have needed Thy hand hath provided”. I’m clinging to that. It’s been tried and tested in my life, and I know He will remain faithful.

the one thing I’m not looking forward to with my mom’s death anniv is honestly dealing with the snarky remarks from my relatives though. I remember feeling so stressed out and discouraged and if they were not my mom’s family, I honestly don’t mind not talking to them. Ayyy sorry Lord.

anywayss...also, this pregnancy has been so very different from the other one. Although I was miserable the first few weeks, this pregnancy has made me appreciate the beauty of my body. The strength I have in carrying a life. And just all around more confident in being a pregnant mom. I’m also taking more care of my body this time around so I’m very thankful.

6 week update

Feeling: pretty normal! A bit of nausea when I’m hungry but I surprisingly have a good amount of energy. Feeling extra bloated lol I already gained 2 pounds but maybe it’s not from this baby but from me letting go and giving in to my cravings after finding out we were expecting.

Mood: Crabby to some people but feeling excited because a cousin of mine is also pregnant and a friend of mine is proposing to his longtime girlfriend! So I LOVE love and excited for the people I love too.

Missing my: mom a lot! I’ve driven a few times when I’d hear a song that would remind me of her and just bawl my eyes out. I remember being pregnant and her taking care of me so well and also me being a first time mom and how she helped me tremendously and going into this motherhood journey again, I definitely feel a lot of sadness and a bit of fear going in without her but also I know she’d be very proud and happy for me so that gives me so much strength.

Big news that I can’t share yet so I’m sharing it to my online diary: we bought a condo & we’re having another baby! ☀️

I’ve been sooo stressed and anxious the past few weeks due to the ups and downs of our condo hunt but stay tuned, hopefully everything will work out! 💕 And I guess, the hormones didn’t help at all so as happy and thankful and excited I am for this blessing, I’m honestly sorry that I put him/her through so much stress already. But I cannt wait. i’m so excited! Thank you Lord!!

it was bittersweet,

the most painful ever

I entered the year brokenhearted

Yet you were still there

You told me to be hopeful and keep the faith

We made beautiful memories

I learned to cherish you

To relinquish every moment

the most beautiful ever

I finally said I love you freely

You knew you were loved

Oh I miss our simple days

When I had none of the success

None of the material things

Yet we had each other

You taught me how to cook

You watched others live a simple life

We spent so much time together

We lived simply

In retrospect, it’s the perfect day for me

but now you’re gone

And I honestly don’t know how I can move forward

this is the first one without you mama

although things are looking up

Soo many plans, prayers and blessings coming up

I don’t know how I can do this without you

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakayanin.

appointment in the disappointment.

Safe to say, this year brought a lot of grief. Disappointment even. It took away my beloved mom, a big piece of my heart and a light in my life. But I’m holding on to the promise that this disappointment is a godly appointment that will leave something too. His hope, peace, new purpose, and strength I’ve never witnessed before. Tbh, I’m not there yet and I still really don’t know what God has in store. I’m just trusting and having faith that God’s appointment opens up new possibilities, strengthened character and a whole lot of lessons learned.

Still miss you Ma, everyday. But I’m moving, hoping and praying. ♥️

Last Friday, I had my very first session of therapy. I haven’t cried for a few days now yet within the first 10 minutes of the session I was already bawling my eyes out. It was very therapeutical indeed.

At the end of it, she said that I was doing considerably well in my grieving as I’m able to process my thoughts. But it doesn’t mean the sadness and brokenness isn’t there. I was tasked to journal which I kinda do already but it will give me an excuse to buy a journal again since I’ve ran out of pages in my old one. Today what I really want to journal is the things I’m thankful for in November since I had so many things I complained about this month as well. I don’t want to laser focus on the things I lack or feel like I should have, yet I want to be grateful for the blessings God has given me already.

1. My husband - innocent, kind, simple, loving, faithful and true. He ain’t perfect but I am soooo thankful I have someone to hold me when I’m down, help me with raising our daughter, serve God wholeheartedly, learn to adult with, budget with, laugh at corny jokes with and cuddle with at night. 💕 there’s so much more but I am one blessed wife!

2. Inah- what a smart, sweet, adventurous and curious soul. She amazes me everyday, knows me when I’m sad and gives me the sweetest hugs and kisses. I’ve learned so much by being her mom and realized that I am a gentle parent haha she is the best best blessing i never knew I needed. Thankful for her.

3. Family - thankful that my family is healthy, getting along together and we love each other. I’ve been complaining in my head about them a lot but I’m thankful for them also.

4. Steady jobs- thankful for my job where I can help b e part of saving people’s lives. Provide for my family and for the funniest co-workers!

5. Cozy weather - as much as I love summer, i’m starting to feel really happy with the cozy cold weather. I love snuggling to my warm blanket and drinking my homemade bubbletea and watching netflix. I never had the luxury to slow down before with my busy lifestyle...

miss you Mama ♥️

Last night I had a dream that I was holding your warm wrinkly hands. The feeling was so real and I was thankful to be able to relive that moment.

To be honest, I am incredibly blessed right now. Bert is starting his dream job tomorrow and Inah is the sweetest and smartest girl. She is my joy. On the outside, a lot of good exciting things are happening.

Yet a part of me is broken. A light in me has been put out. In all honesty, I am not okay, yet. I’m physically in pain. I get angry and jealous at others who take their moms for granted. I cry just mentioning you. These days, I’m sad and really longing for you. For my mom, for the good old days when I had you and didn’t even know. I’m trying to be okay and with God’s grace, I’m still here, alive and well. But it’s sad to think that this is our reality. Learning to live without you. I miss you i miss you i miss you. I love you so much Mama, I wish I can tell you one more time.

Currently sitting in the parking lot after doing groceries and sipping on my bubble tea. I thought life after Mama will never get busy again but in reality my life is always on the go. I still miss her a lot and at times the pain paralyzes me. I yearn for her and I wish I can talk to her one more time, hug her and hear her say that she loves me and she’s proud of me. Sometimes I wonder how she survived without a mother also but she’s the strongest woman I know so I will try also. ♥️

All over the place.

Happy thanksgiving!

No doubt this year has been the hardest ever in my life. Losing my mom has made everything so bittersweet. There’s not a day that my heart doesn’t sink with the thought that she’s no longer with us. I think of the beautiful places we went to as a family - I think how much she would’ve enjoyed it. We went to Albert’s family dinner - I wonder what her comment would be.

Although there’s so much pain and sadness even in the “happy” times, I am reminded to be thankful today. Thanksgiving. Yes, I have so much blessings. This year, we have experienced God’s overwhelming presence, peace and comfort. I was held with love by my Father in heaven. I see doors of opportunities opening for our family. I see the favour of God pouring over us. He has provided, He has sustained and He has comforted us.

For my husband, my baby, my dad, my family, my friends, my job, my church, my business, my health, my every little blessing....I am thankful. ♥️

Sorry it’s been awhile. The whole two weeks have been a blur. I started work again, caught up with some friends and struggled through the whole work week. For weeks I’ve been worrying how Inah would cope without me but she is definitely doing better than I am. And today, I finally broke down.

yesterday was David’s 10th birthday. Today is mom’s 40th day in heaven.

As much as i wanted to celebrate david’s big 10, i also felt a pang of sadness knowing that this was the first celebration my mom had missed. It sucks for her not to be here. I watched an episode of this is us where Randall imagined that “what if” his dad didn’t die and I just started bawling imagining “what if” mama didn’t die. She would demand us to cook something special for David. She would organize for everyone to be there and dress up. She would ask for pictures and prepare something special. And it breaks my heart.

“God doesn’t waste anything.” Has been the word that has been giving me comfort and hope lately. But since I’m still not able to see the why, I just take it day by day and remind myself that it is okay to grieve. My mom lived a life for God. And although she was frustrated that it was cut short, she still praised and thank God for the little things and big things. I hope to have hope like her someday.

“yes I’m a mess but I’m blessed to be stuck with you.”

today was a whirlwind of emotions. I wasn’t able to sleep last night so I ended up sleeping in until 10 am. yep, my daughter entertained herself for an hour and a half while waiting for me to wake up. Then when I woke up and opened my phone, I saw a friend of mine’s dad also passed away due to cancer.

All of a sudden, all the emotions of the morning of my mom’s passing all came rushing back to my mind. I remember my sister yelling “ATEEE!!!” very early in the morning and me running downstairs to see them trying to revive my mom. I remember all the different reactions. My dad frantically getting the towels, my sister trying to wake her up, and me just standing there - in awe. Even after I checked her pulse, I already knew in my heart. And I didn’t cry. I prayed for her, I told her I loved her. My sister telling my dad that we love him and we will never leave him. Us all crying together as a family. We didn’t always see each other eye to eye but we always got each other.

Then the funeral planning. The stress. The hurtful comments made by other relatives. The numbness. The constant exhaustion. Me feeling like I’m operating in autopilot. It’s been almost a month, yet with one news, all of the feelings seemed so raw still. I felt for my friend who is now going through the loss. I said a 90 second prayer for her and her family. It’s definitely the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through.

I was a hot mess for half a day but then my husband cheered me up with some Mcdonald’s. I also got to buy Inah another car seat so I was pretty happy. Then we got some good news about our insurance claim. My sister and I cooked dinner and had some heart to heart talks. Inah and I hung out with Papa for a bit so I was really thankful that we still have each other.

I didn’t cry today. Not even while I was showering and thinking about what stage of gried I’m in currently. I washed and cleaned all of Inah’s clothes and toys today because I know when I start working next week I’ll be a complete mess.

We were supposed to go to stackt market for dinner today but ended up in Koreatown for some chicken. I bought some onigiri also and it made me think of my mom again. I don’t think I was ever in a denial stage after Mama died. I guess my grieving already started when she was initially diagnosed. I think my denial then was that God WILL heal her because He loves her. I know He can. But a part of me thought I was smarter than God, and that this is just a test of our faith. Haaaaaaaaaa ok. And that He will heal her. Completely. We will be the exception, we will be the miracle. I declared that, I prayed that, I believed that.

While I occasionally feel guilty for not praying hard enough or not having enough faith and giving up too easily, I know God is sovereign. It still hurts soo so so much though. But He is.

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