It was a question that was constantly on Alex’s mind whenever he woke up in the morning nowadays. He would make the long descent to the bathroom, only to look in the mirror and see someone so tired; tired of the struggle - tired of even getting up every morning.
He wasn’t sure where he had gone so wrong with himself. He liked to think that he was someone who liked to remain positive in negative situations, someone to lean on for advice and trust to help. He used to look out for his friends all the time. And now he couldn’t even look out for himself.
He sat on the floor next to the big window of his apartment, a blanket around himself clutching a cup of coffee in his hands. He looked over the small town he had been in for so long; a place that no matter how much he wanted to escape, he always came running back. He figured that the main reason behind that was probably because of Ren.
He had felt so guilty about Ren over the past few months. He had left her to travel, he came back to her now only to be so down and depressed every single day. He remembered times where he was the rock that Ren would lean on for help and advice. As her big brother, he always felt the need to protect her. And now he could barely do that.
He was so different now. How did he expect other people to be around him when he was this way? He had fallen down such a deep hole of self-hatred and he wasn’t sure how to pull himself out or how any of this started.
Maybe he would start at the very beginning.
The leaves were finally starting to fall off the trees, signalling that the season of autumn had finally come around. Greensville would be so beautiful at around this time, himself and his sister would be outside together constantly playing games from Tag to make believe realities.
Today, however, he was at the park with Ren - both of them on the swings. His parents weren’t too far away, which was already an amazing thing for Alex to see. They were never around at home, let alone them having time to take himself and Ren to the park.
He swung higher and higher into the air before he eventually stopped himself, his feet scrapping the ground to stop himself from moving so rapidly. He saw Ren do the same, the six year old Maine girl tilting her head in confusion.
“You okay, Alex?” She asked.
“Hmm?” He hummed, snapping out of the thought to look over at her. He smiled softly and just shook his head. “I’m okay. It’s just - mom and dad are here with us. We’re all here together. Isn’t that nice?”
“It is.” Ren replied bluntly, causing Alex to softly chuckle to himself at her short answer. He looked over at her with a playful grin and punched her in the shoulder. He watched her fall off the swing with a scream, she curled up into a ball on the floor as she practically convulsed. Alex flew off the swing in fear, his parents rushing over to her side.
“Alexander, what did you do?!” His father exclaimed at him while his mother was calling an ambulance.
“I didn’t do anything! I just playfully nudged her shoulder!” He exclaimed back in fear, trembling in horror that he had done something to hurt his sister.
“Alexander, I don’t want to hear another word out of you. Go sit over there while we take care of your sister!” His mother yelled, Alex only flinching and nodding at her words. He pulled himself to walk away from the scene, only to hear the words his mother exchanged with his father.
“I swear to god, the kid is useless! He’s so destructive! What the hell are we going to deal with him when he’s older?!”
He felt like a burden on his parents and his baby sister at the age of nine.
Maybe that’s where it started? The endless road of self-hatred to himself?
Either way, it was a moment that Alex would never, ever forgive himself for.
Alex was 13 years old, walking through the door of his house with his 10 year old sister lagging behind him. His parents were god knows where in the world, leaving him to take care of Ren despite how destructive he was.
He threw his bag down on the kitchen island, going straight to the fridge to grab a couple bottles of water. “Would you like a drink, Ren?”
“Yes please.” She answered, sitting on the island as well. Something in her voice made her come off as upset and Alex could definitely tell that.
He handed her a bottle, taking the lid of his own bottle and taking a swig. He sighed in relief at getting some moisture in his mouth before he noticed a scrunched up note on the island counter. He placed his drink down and grabbed it, before Ren even had the chance to notice and speak up.
She tried to take it off him as he just held it higher up in the air, reading what it was. A permission slip for a field-trip that was left unsigned. His eyebrows furrowed seeing the date of the overnight field-trip was today.
“You had a field-trip today?” He asked, looking at his sister with much concern as she just stared down at her lap. “Why didn’t you go?”
“Because I needed mom and dad’s signature.” She mumbled just loud enough for him to hear.
“Why didn’t you just tell me? I would have tried to forge their signatures or something.” He said.
“It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter, okay?! I just - I wanted mom or dad to sign it and be excited for me to go. And I can’t even have that.”
She hopped off the island and ran out of the kitchen, running up the stairs to her room. Alex winced when he heard her bedroom door slam, leaving him standing by himself starring at the empty signature line on the slip.
It was his fault that their parents weren’t around. They obviously expressed their distaste to how he acted - ever since he was a walking toddler, he had always felt that vibe. That was probably why they tried to avoid ever coming home.
“I’m sorry, Ren.” He whispered to himself, clutching the slip in his hand.
“I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
It was just another memory added to the list of why life sucked at such a young age.
He was in high school now. He had found a joy in the subject of science and chemistry. He loved going into that class everyday, so excited to learn and to experiment.
It was something that kept Alex upbeat and happy, already stressed out enough trying to take care of Ren, his friends and balance his grades and a job all at the same time.
It had been a complete accident. He had placed an element into his beaker that he hadn’t supposed to put in, causing his experiment to have a reaction and smoke violently. Violently to a point that it set off the school fire alarms. It was so embarrassing to Alex that he was the one that caused this, all because he couldn’t read his lab manual instructions properly.
It was after it happened three times that his parents were called in for a meeting. Being god knows where in the world, they took a special flight back home to attend this meeting. Alex remembered sitting outside the office when this happened, twiddling his thumbs in fear of what was to come when he got home.
And he was right. As soon as he entered the door with his mom and dad following. all they did was just start to lecture him.
“Alexander Maine, you are so irresponsible!”
“How could we trust you to take of Ren?”
“You are a pathetic excuse of a young man!”
“How could you be so dumb?”
“Why can’t you just be a normal kid for god sake?!”
“I can’t believe you’d interrupt an entire school in session just for some attention!”
“God, what is wrong with you?!”
Alex just stood and listened to it all, all their comments and lectures stabbing at his heart like razor sharp knifes. He looked up to the stairs, seeing Ren sit there with a sad look on her face.
“I’m sorry Ren.” He thought. “I’m sorry.”
Even with the endless emotional abuse Alexander had been subjected to throughout the years, his first break up was definitely one that left a few scares on his inner self. He had been dating a girl named Miranda Collins for over a year when he had learned she had been cheating on him since their relationship first started.
He stormed off of school campus, tears falling from his eyes as he just silently took in what had just happened. His two best friends had teamed up to expose her out to the school for what she really was; a dirty, cheating liar. Only what he thought his friends didn’t realize was that they also exposed how dumb and naive he really was. She tried to get it in with one of his best friends, for fuck sake.
“Alex! Alex, baby! Please wait!” He heard Miranda run after him. He got to his car, getting his keys out before she stopped his hands from going any further.
“Alex, c’mon baby - I love you. You love me. I didn’t do anything, honest! You know what Ruben and Tegan are like. They aren’t ones to talk about me being a slut - they’re both just as disgusting.”
Alex just pushed her hands off his with a pissed off look on his face. Even if he wasn’t exactly happy with how his two best friends had chosen to tell him about Miranda, he would always defend them. The boy who was practically his platonic soulmate and the girl who made his heart race every time she smiled. Not that he’d ever admit that out loud, though.
He continued to say nothing to her, hoping she’d get the hint and just leave him alone. Only she continued on and on, until her tone switched to one of innocence to one just full of spite and hatred.
“You know what Alex? Fuck you. If you’re gonna be like that, then I don’t want to waste any of my time with you. You’re pathetic, you know that? You couldn’t even be man enough to keep your girl from moving to bed to bed. You’re gonna regret ever ending things with me, Alex. Because guess what? You are a nobody. You are a fucking loser. No girl will ever want to around your lanky ass or ugly face. You’ll see.”
She shoved him one last time before stomping back into school, leaving Alex defeated and leaning back into his car. Once she was out of sight, he let his tears come out - crying silently as he slid down the side of his car.
Alex had gone home that night, self-harming himself in the bathroom connected to his bedroom. It was something that Alex refused to ever tell anyone about. Not Tegan. Not Ruben. Not Ren. No-one.
Maybe that’s when the body issues started.
Alex didn’t know what had happened to him to end up here. He felt so cold on the inside, that usual twinkle in his green eyes was complete dim - not to mention how physically ill he felt from the protein diet he had started to come more “hot”.
His mind was plagued with faces of the people he had let down.
His parents. Ren. Tegan. Ruben. His friends in Achievement Hunter. Anyone he was friends with period.
He squeezed his eyes shut and rested his head on his knees, letting himself cry silently in pain of what he was.
What happened to you, Alexander Maine?
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