Thinking about how sometimes when you’re in an unsafe or tense environment for so long that when you eventually have your own safe environment for a while your nervous system basically does a hard reset and you can’t do anything but sleep and cry for a while
Dennis who was raised in his family’s house, always on edge. Fighting for his survival whether it was avoiding his dads fists, his moms quiet disdain, or his brothers definitely normal (according to some of his teachers growing up) violent bullying towards him. He had to be scrappy to eat, whether that’s quickly pocketing some of his moms cooking when he passes by the kitchen to eat later (yes he’s had to put a handful of pork in his pocket before and eat it with the lint and dirt on it) or running faster than his dad’s belt.
He was raised to be apologetic about his existence, sucking on his fingers in anxiety everytime he heard his dad come in the house. (That only lasted a month until his dad smashed his hand on the table with his work boots)
He was a quiet kid because he was made to me. He would be scolded or popped on the mouth if he spoke too loudly or whined about his brothers stealing his food. He never got to explore who he was safely, when he found out he liked music that wasn’t just the church choir, he had to hide in the hay pile in the barn late at night to listen to modern music on the handheld radio.
When he found out it was boys that made his heart race and palms sweat, he never told a soul. Not until Mathew B. Cornered him in a church closet a day before his 17th birthday and kissed him.
He never told anyone. But his pastor saw them come out and told his Pa.
Dennis left that house at 17 with two black eyes, a broken nose, cheekbone, and a lip that split up to his nostril almost. He could hide his fractured arm and deep black bruises on his stomach and legs under his baggy clothes.
When Dennis went to college it was to study theology. To make his pa do anything but hate him, or to learn how to speak to God correctly so he would stop getting punished.
He slept in a dorm for one year until that debt got too high and his loans wouldn’t cover it anymore. He shared that dorm with a Christian jock who invited over guys that looked at Dennis like they wanted to eat him or kill him. He got very little sleep in that year.
Dennis continued school while in a homeless shelter down the road. He slept with his backpack in his arms and a quiet prayer on his lips. One that rarely worked.
At some point, Dennis was almost through his second year of schooling when one of his bunk mates at the shelter got stabbed. Dennis stayed with him, pressing on the wound. He went with him, because Daryl had nobody else and Dennis knows how that feels.
He watches as they save Daryl’s life barely and that sets a spark in Dennis. An expensive one.
He sleeps on the streets those multiple years of school. He goes hungry and he sometimes stands outside of clubs and lets older guys use his body for money and for a bed at night. The first time it happened, Dennis was just looking for a place to sleep and for some pleasure. When the guy pulled out 200$ and his own business card for Dennis to call whenever he needed that…exchange, Dennis realized how profitable that might turn out to be. Well, not profitable. The money was never enough to put anything back. He was still homeless but he had scrubs and he had wipes and he had a mostly stable eating habit. Not nearly enough vegetables but lots of oats and tuna and crackers.
That ends after Dennis ends up in the free clinic with black eyes and preventative medicine and a counselor talking to him about if he wants to pursue legal action.
By that time, rotations are too much anyway. He gets through most of them without anyone having a clue he didn't have a home to go to. He finds the 8th floor where it’s too hot, smells like mildew, and he can hear the despair and the sirens at all hours of the night.
Then Trinity. Oh Trinity. His Trinity. She saved his life, he knows it deep down. She saved his life, and was mean about it the whole time. She’s the nicest person Dennis has ever met. Trinity lives in deep downtown, in a worser part of the neighborhood.
Trinity is loud and doesn’t back down. Not even when their neighbors threaten her, so Dennis never sleeps deeply in that house after one neighbor tries to break in their house.
Dennis gets stitches in his arm and a bedside police interrogation after that break in. But the guy didn’t reach trinitys room so it’s good. He did his job.
After that day, something changes in the ER.
Robby's the one who stitched him up. His huge, padded hands holding Dennis's arm with the most delicate of touches. Robby tells Dennis he was lucky the cut wasn’t deeper. He tells Dennis him and Trinity need to move, and Dennis laughs in his face.
Immediately flinches back once he realizes what he did. Instinct over anything.
Robby looks at him with a soft questioning look, but doesn’t push it.
Dennis explains in a broken, whispered sentence. They’re both broke, they were $100 short on rent this month as it is and it’s only $1000 a month for a two bed, two bath. That’s a goldmine in the city.
Dr. Robby hums but says nothing further. Rubs Dennis’s shoulder when he goes to walk him out of the room once his stitches are done.
“Good Job, Dennis.” Trinity laughs at Dennis from across the floor when Dr. Robby says that to him. Tells Dennis he looks like at Robby like a beaten lovesick puppy.
Dennis barely sleeps at all after the break in.
Robby notices. Trinity notices, she doesn’t sleep either.
It’s when Mel’s sister fully moves out of her house to be with her boyfriend that stuff changes.
Trinity takes Mel’s spare room. $200 a month because Mel has a hefty savings from her parents passing and she only has to pay a water and WiFi bill.
Dennis is homeless again. But of course. He has Trinity in his life and she would never let him suffer.
She tells Robby.
They’re all standing around the hub, some charting, some night shift coming in and going over patients with the day shift doctors. Trinity is standing next to Dana when Dr. Robby walks by.
“Hey, Dr. Robby,” she waits until he stops, “Dennis is moving into your spare room, Kay? Or else he’ll be homeless and mopey.”
The hub stops. Jack barks out a laugh loud enough for a baby in the pediatric room to start crying. Dana makes eye contact with princess and Perlah, mouth wide open. They all wait for Robby to explode, or laugh, or something.
“Sure thing. You guys are off tomorrow right?”
And so that is that.
Dennis packs his two boxes of stuff up, panic bakes a couple dozen things of different cookies. fills out the HR paperwork he has to, since Trinity asked so publicly so everyone knows.
Robby comes in and smells good and handles Dennis’s stuff with care and hums in appreciation when he sees the cookies.
Dennis lasts three nights in his room at Robby’s.
Then he lunges his body across the kitchen counter when him and Robby are talking in the kitchen, and Robby asks if Mel and Trinity are coming over to see him again.
Robby kisses him like a man starving, like he’s on death row and Dennis is the last steak he’ll ever enjoy. He cradles Dennis face in his hands and places kisses all over his face.
Dennis begs for Robby to bend him over then and there, but Robby gets him into his room and onto the bed.
It’s the best night of Dennis’s life. He cries through it, telling Robby he’s just happy.
They continue after that, hold hands when they’re out in the city. Robby stops him in the hallway and kisses the top of his head every time they pass each other.
Robby does the grocery shopping and grabs enough food for all of the girls to come over and eat. Remembers that Trinity’s hair straightener broke (because she screamed about it in his house) and buys her one.
Jack comes over more and they plan a camping trip now that Dennis is involved and he’s an outdoorsy man.
For two months straight it’s pure bliss, Dennis couldn’t be happier. He just wishes he could sleep deeply throughout the night. But he’s still stuck in his ways and everytime a car rattles too loud, or the wind pushes against a window, he bolts up ready to fight for his life or to protect Robby.
Then one night, a patient from work follows Dennis home. Waits until they’re asleep and quietly breaks in.
Dennis wakes up to a man groaning in pain and Dennis doesn’t even want to get up. He failed at his job. He couldn’t keep Robby safe, he knows it. Why didn’t he wake up? Why didn’t his body do its purpose?
“Den, baby, will you call Jack and 911? In that order?”
And Dennis opens his eyes to a see Robby, dressed in only boxers, with a bloodied hand around his ex-patients throat.
Dennis gets through calling Jack, answering some of his rapid-fire questions with a shaky voice (it’s never been shaky like this, his body always responds to danger boldly before it can start to tremble)
Talks to the police with tears pooling in his eyes. Calls Trinity when the sun starts peeking over the horizon and Robby is talking to a deputy.
He tells her, “I was so scared, Trin. I was convinced I failed my job, I knew it, I just knew it.” And he cries for 10 minutes. Listens to her voice go soft.
She tells him, “it was never your job to take care of everyone, fuckleberry. you have to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else. And it sounds like Robby got it covered for you, babe.”
For a couple of nights, Dennis has nightmares. Of finding Robby’s beaten body. Of his family, scolding him for failing everyone. Of Trinity in trouble and he won’t save her.
Robby holds him every time, kisses his temple. Whispers to him that Dennis has never let him down. Robby won’t let anyone hurt him.
Then Dennis sleeps through the night. Robby finally gets him up 15 minutes before they’re supposed to be clocking in.
The next day, Dennis sleeps through the night again. Robby has to almost shoulder carry Dennis to the car at 7:05am.
He calls Jack on the way and looks at Dennis worriedly, watching as Dennis’s eyes just fill with tears over and over again.
They have the next day off and Dennis sleeps until 3pm, wakes up and rolls back over and just cries silently. Can’t even talk to Robby when he comes in the room.
Robby tells himself Dennis gets one week like this, then he has to handle it more sternly.
Dennis sits on the couch with Robby and cries silently a lot. Brings up his mom’s phone number and just stares at it for 30 minutes at a time. Trinity texts him a lot. Javadi sends him funny and motivational TikToks. Mel FaceTimes him when he doesn’t answer Trinity. Samira doordashes them some soup and sends Dennis a couple texts with too many emojis in it.
They’re supposed to return to work the next day but Dennis won’t even get up at all this time. His body is made of cement. It scares Robby enough to call Jack. Asks him to pull a double, and he’s so sorry.
Dennis sleeps all day long, only eats one piece of peanut butter toast.
Robby cries in bed next to him, texts Trinity silently. Dana calls him and they talk for a while, she comes over and helps clean the kitchen and make a week of meals.
Brushes the hair out of Dennis’s face and mutters to him that he has two more days of this before Robby calls in the real Calvary.
Robby goes to work the next day because he has to, and he can feel the drag of depression catching him too if he stays in the dark house too long. Jack catches him at the hub and tells Robby to hand over his keys, he’s gonna sit with “Robby’s boy” for the day.
Jack sits bedside with Dennis and eventually drags some words out of him.
Texts Robby slowly throughout the day.
“Your boy says he’s just exhausted. His body feels like sand when he tries to move.”
“He’s swears he’s not gonna hurt himself, he acted surprised I asked,”
“On the bright side this is the equivalent of the sleep he got in one month during his first rotation so, maybe it’s just sleep debt.”
“Never been safe to sleep or let his guard down. Should we kill his dad?”
Trinity sees one of the texts and quietly tells Robby, “it just happens sometimes. I left my stepdads house and I almost flunked college because I slept for a month straight, cried, and smelled like shit the whole time. He’s healing, he feels safe with you. Sometimes what looks like suffering is just a body resetting to be better.”
Trinity is right, as always. And a week later Dennis is back in the Pitt. His hair is brighter than ever, his bags under his eyes are more like creases, and he’s more affectionate than ever with Robby. And Trinity, and Dana, Mel, Samira. Jack. The nurses, all of them. Donnie even.
He sleeps through the night and drags Robby to all the farmers markets now. Let’s trinity drag him and all the girls to the club.
Dennis is finally safe for once in his life and able to let his guard down. He’s able to take care of himself now, is able to love the others around him more than ever.
(I have no clue how long this is, i wrote it over the course of 3 days at work, some of it could be ineligible or unconnected, I’ll figure it out later but this hasn’t left my brain so I just had to write it.)
