Who am I

Trying to find myself in a world in which I seem to not matter.

[alexsis]

Just Bc I am disabled Bc of my health I have lupus and MS. I am a cancer survivor, 12/17 will be 14yrs in remission. Just Bc I am sick doesn’t make me stupid. It doesn’t make me less than anyone else. With all the stuff that I have gone thru and been thru makes me handle stress so much differently than the average person. Bc in terms of handling all the stress and raising 4 girls I am a pro at that. No one realizes that I would give anything to be able to go back to work. To have a purpose to show everyone in my life that being disabled didn’t make me stupid. That I would love to work, I would love to have a job.

[alexsis]

I will use the words u said to motivate me

I will use the words u said as a stepping stone to a better me.

I will use the words u said to make me a stronger me.

I will use the words u said to remind me that words carry so much more than what the surface shows

I will use the words u said to make my soul powerfull

I will use the words u said to light a fire in me

I will use the words u said.

[alexsis]

I cant breath.

Every feeling that rolls in feels like a lung punch, it takes the wind right out u.

And then when I try and catch my breath, it’s like tiny little daggers releasing all their pent up aggression on what was healthy tissue.

Leaving behind shreds of who I was behind.

Somewhere in my quest for air, I forgot how to breath.

[alexsis]

The night terrors roll in like an amber alert on max volume at 3 in the morning.

It an insurmountable fear that takes over and kicks in that fight or flight mode.

A switch in which u have no control.

The sleep paralysis has tethered and tied in place, with no ways of escaping.

It’s that dream within a dream, that u know isn’t real.

Or at least your hoping it is.

Lately I have bee u n struggling with my own inner demons, dealing with nightmares so bad that I am getting anxiety attacks when I go to close my eyes. I am terrified of sleeping. Bc even when I wake up from said dream and fall back asleep the dream picks up where the last one dropped off. And to make matters worse I have night terrors along side sleep paralysis. Not a good combination. I guess I just got lucky with the trifecta.

[alexsis]

I am hoping this is seen, Bc I could really use some help understanding certain parts of tumbler. I have neuropsychiatric lupus and MS. And so there for in the midst of a flare I struggle to understand things as well as getting confused fairly quickly. But I don’t understand how the notes work. Tried looking it up on google and it says to click the upper right corner and it will fold over like a bookmark but when I click the 3 dots or the upper right hand corner it mute notifications, pin post or copy link. Anyone willing to throw a girl a bone.

[alexsis]

I come from a generation of Christians that took the Bible for its literal words and not from your interpretation of it. And I have grown to see the difference but my husband still struggles. To him if our kiddo falls under LGBTQ that he will still love and accept them for who they are but it’s still a sin as that means they will not get into heaven.

Thus he won’t see them again. And to him even tho they have a relationship with god it’s a habitual sin. So it’s a sin u are choosing to live in day and night even tho u know better... he has been trying to talk to different pastors that we know and different friends and family about it. And it’s an inner struggle he deals with Bc sometimes it is hard to get past how u were raised. Now he has an uncle who is a pastor and a cousin who is an associate pastor and worship leader. And another cousin is a worship leader and her husband and associate pastor. But they were all raised Pentecostal like strong Pentecostal. Meaning u didn’t watch movies, u didn’t have dances at weddings and so fourth.

Me, in the Bible it talks about loving thy neighbor and choosing love over and over again. So why would he punish u for doing exactly what he says. Loving someone, can be a choice. U can choose to love someone. But u can’t always choose who or how u love them. I just can’t fathom him choosing to punish u for love.

Love never gives up, it never looses faith, It is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. So if choosing to love someone thru every circumstance such as ppl telling u that it’s wrong, from Christians telling u you’re going to hell for it. Even tho the Bible says yet he who is without sin cast the first stone. If choosing to live your truth in loving someone sends u to hell, then why would would Christians judging said person send them to heaven?

I choose to believe that I will see my friend Javi again.

I choose to believe that he was far more than just a gay man.

I choose to believe that his love for his friends and family far out weighed his sexuality.

I choose to believe that his insurmountable love of people won in the end.

I choose to believe that his acceptance, and grace that he showed everyone around him is what God loved most about him.

I choose to believe that my God knew what he was doing when he made him. When he made u. ❤️

[alexsis]

When it rains, I want you to find the rainbows.....

When it’s dark, I want you to see the stars....

[alexsis]

I have been with my husband 17yrs married going on 15. We fight like any other couple, but have had a tougher run than most. I was dx with cancer 7mths into our relationship. And the hits just kept going from there. Divorce has been brought up but mainly in the midst of conflict. Tonight after several conversations as of recent about having to accept certain differences or having to adjust that I am so different from him and His family. I asked if he was happy and in turn I got the normal answer. I don’t really know. I am happy right now, but I cant tell u what I will feel next week. After I asked if he was in love with me, I got another consistent answer from him. I don’t know, I know I love u, just don’t know if I am in love with u. He told me that he is not sure if he even knows what in love means or feels like. I am 38, after 17yrs is it wrong or too much to ask that my spouse be in love with me? I mean do ppl really stay in love this long or do the couples that are married 50-60yrs are they still in love? And what an I teaching my girls? That is ok to stay in a marriage if your not in love? I know u make exceptions in marriage, but what happens when one person feels like they have to compromise everything about themselves just to fit in the other persons life? Is it still worth it then? I don’t think that I am capable of loving enough for the both of us. I used to say it was ok, Bc I loved him enough for the both of us, and that my love was enough to carry us both. Did I just sell myself short? Did I give him more credit than myself? I mean how broken does someone have to be to think that the love they gave someone else would be sufficient for then both? I think I was so used to not being enough, I was so used to not being loved like that I accepted it as ok and enough. Or is that what marriage looks like for everyone and just no one talks about it?

[alexsis]

Today I fought a losing battle. With every move I made the fatigue and disease won. I didn’t have a chance. It was like one man thinking they could stop the wave of a tsunami. I would sit up and feel like I am awake. I would talk to my girls or pick up my phone, only to fall asleep the moment my body got a second of comfortable. It was like someone hit me with a bat that I never saw coming. And then it was lights out for the next couple hours. I have slept way more in the last 24hrs than I have been awake. Is it even a fight or battle if I cant even stand up?

[alexsis]

My brother/friend is missing and has been since the 21st. We have been posting on all social media’s outlets. Putting fliers up, checking cameras and still nothing. It’s like he vanished into thin air. And the sad thing is that we don’t even know who saw him last. Bc the ppl he was with on the last day someone heard from are mia. And what’s even more frustrating is that the police department have been saying that they can’t ping his phone. Not as of yet. His phone is on, but they keep saying that they have to get permission from above. It’s been 2 weeks and him not contacting anyone by 2 day is out of character for him. Why does it have to be so hard. I wish there was a way we could do it. He is with Metro PCS. I am struggling and I just want him home. This man is my girls godfather, their uncle, one of my best friends and brother. He is so dearly loved. Please share of u can please help us bring him home.

[alexsis]

Tonight I am struggling with so many what if’s. My friend is missing he is 44, police gave us a lot of push back and we’re only willing to do a BOLO. Which is infuriating. He has been mia since Feb 20th. It’s taken more than 4 days to get a missing persons report. We were given the runaround that he is an adult and he probably just needs time. Bull crap. He has never gone this long. Especially knowing his mom who is in an assisted living facility and she waits foe him to come see her pretty every cpl days. Luckily my dad knows the sherif and within an hr we have a report with Bexar county and SAPD. And now all of a sudden his roommate can’t go back to their place because he is at him moms. And the female that’s been staying there was supposed to call SAPD when she got home so that they could look in his room for clues. And now she can no longer be reached. We all feel something is off. And right now I just want him found. Regardless of the outcome. Granted I would much much rather him be alive and just stranded someone. But trying to keep a level head just seems harder and harder each day.

[alexsis]

The waves of sadness don’t seem to stop, like I am at the wall of the ocean. It’s beautiful but I can’t catch my breath enough to be able to take it in. All that hits is the pressure of every grain of salt that rolls in with each wave. Stinging like tiny bullets of acid. Ripping thru me like I was made of paper. Holding on to every living creature hoping it can give me something I dont have. Praying that what lives within me, will be enough.

[alexsis]

Today was a day, I know I shouldn’t need to prove to anyone what I am capable of. But unfortunately I do. Today after several hours of trying to get the water heater installed I got about 85-90% done. But when I went to turn on the electric nothing came on. And I know I did everything I could I gave it everything I had. Just for it not to work.

My husband hugged me and said what would u tell the girls. I would say your strong and smart and just Bc it didn’t work this time. Doesn’t mean u won’t get it right the next time. And as long as they have it 100% than that’s all that matters.

Then he said I was my own worst enemy, Bc all that pressure to prove to my family that I was an equal and that I could do things without them. And honestly that wasn’t the feeling.

Bc of the place I am in right now with my metal health. I just needed the win. I just needed for something to go in my favor. Something to show myself that I am good enough and worthy enough. And strong and talented.

One day my time will come when I will stand up straight with my head held high, and stop holding out for them to same I am equally loved and supported and that I am enough.

[psychology-daily]

Therapy App ➤ Stay Motivated ➤ Visit: PsychologyDaily.com

[alexsis]

Couldn’t have hit at a better time. ❤️

[alexsis]

I know that I seek approval Bc I never got it as a kid, teen or as an adult. And I wish with everything I had that I didnt. But tomorrow I will tackle tha task of putting in out nee water heater. And I pray with everything in me that I can and that I wont need anyone helps. So that way I can say I did it and I didnt need ur help not ur opinions nor ur approval. Wish me luck 🤞🏼

[alexsis]

I am suffering lately. Feeling lost in my own head. With no exit signs, no warnings. I can’t seem to see or find any light. And Know I am fighting harder and harder everyday. But my doggie paddle is growing weaker and weaker, and my arms and legs are getting heavier. The the pain in my chest is getting more painful. Every breath taken is more shallow than the last one.

Not sure I can save myself this time.

But know I am trying, know I won’t go out without a fight. Know that I am doing my best.

[alexsis]

U know when I had my oldest daughter I was 18. And had my oldest daughter I thought her and I are gonna be like Gilmore girls and in the beginning we were great! Even after I got married we were everything. We made it thru the teen years fairy unscathed. But she left for the Navy and now hates me, for anything and everything. See I got sick when she was about 9/10. Not sure if she hates Bc of that or for other reasons, but I know that my heart hurts for the kid who loved her mama.